Chapter 21: Masks

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For self-hating souls

The most surprising mask is

To wear their true face

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Victor woke to a familiar, dull throbbing in his head and rolled over to look at the clock. He groaned at the hour and dragged himself out of bed and onto his feet. He first stumbled to the closet door, but found it open and his Russian teammate already gone.

I suppose quicker recovery is a perk of being fifteen…not almost twice that, like me.

He headed off to the bathroom, pausing to dig out a set of workout clothes on the way. His head continued to ache and his stomach seethed as he showered and dressed. It was, he thought, almost a relief to have to throw up before leaving the bathroom.

I deserve that.

I know I ought to stop drinking so much, but every time I think about what's a stake in this competition…or about Yume…or about the next five damned minutes, I want to drink more. Yakov isn't here to nag me and he hasn't called, texted or answered my texts.

He fucking hates me now, doesn't he?

Damn it.

Victor was still brooding over that fact as he returned to the bedroom. He started towards the hallway, but stopped as he realized there was a cup of something steaming and a little note by the bed. Smiling despite his lingering discomfort and unhappiness, he walked over and sat down on the bed, then he picked up the note.

This should make you feel better, Vic-chan.

The little smile on his lips warmed as he picked up what turned out to be some kind of herbal tea. To his surprise, its flavor was light and pleasant, and he did feel much better by the time he finished it and headed out to have breakfast. Noting the later than usual hour, he wasn't surprised to see Yuuri was up and eating as well, as was a recovered Yuri Plisetsky.

Ah, that medication did speed up his heat significantly. I've got to remember to call and ask for a replacement pill. I thought I might have felt a few shivers last night and I felt anxious, but it could just be I was feeding off of Yuri's heat. That does happen.

Yuuri looked up and him and started to greet him, but was immediately cut off by Yuri Plisetsky's antagonistic growl.

"It's about time you got up, you stupid drunk."

He only didn't swear at me because Mama Katsuki's in the room.

Victor pushed the thought away and smiled widely as he entered the kitchen. He spotted Hiroko setting a plate of food on the table for him and slipped an arm around her, kissing her on the cheek.

"Ohayo, Mama Katsuki," he chuckled as she blushed and giggled.

"Ohayo gozaimasu, Vic-chan," she greeted him cheerfully.

"Hello, Yuuri," he said, sitting down.

He smirked at his fellow Russian.

Good morning, Yurio."

I know he hates that name I heard Mari calling him.

The effect of his using it was instant. Yuri scowled more fiercely, almost growling as he spat out his next words.

"I'm not going by that stupid name!"

"Why not?" Victor teased, "It's so cute, just like you are."

"Shut up! I am not!" Yurio shouted.

"Quiet down," Victor chided him, "There still might be people trying to sleep."

"You're the last one out of bed, and it's no surprise," Yurio scoffed, "after all of that drinking you did last night."

"I'm sure last night was better for me than it was for you," Victor answered, letting his smile slip very slightly as he delivered the veiled taunt.

Yurio started to object, but Victor cut him off before he could give anything away.

"I meant because you were stuck sleeping in the closet," he continued, giving his teammate a little wink.

"Ugh! It was fine. Let's just finish and get to the skating rink already. I want to get this ridiculous competition over so that we can go home!"

"I don't know why you're in such a hurry to go back," Victor mused, digging into his food, "You complain all of the time about Yakov always telling you what to do and calling you lazy. Here's your chance to do things your way, right?"

"That would be true if I wasn't having to listen to your bullsh—"

He paused abruptly, glancing at a smiling Hiroko for a moment before rephrasing his comment.

"…having to listen to your stupid nonsense!"

"If it's so stupid, why don't you just forget it and go back to Russia right now?" Victor sighed, "No one is forcing you to stay, and you don't want to listen to me anyway, so what good would it do for me to try to teach you anything?"

"You're teaching me that program!" Yurio demanded, "And it had better be worth all of the trouble, not something half-assed you made up on the fly because you were so drunk last night."

"Don't you worry," Victor said, sounding not the least bit unruffled, "Both you and Yuuri will be pleased with the programs I've planned for you. Give me a few more minutes and we'll go get started."

He tried not to smirk as Yurio watched his every bite, scowling and complaining, although he paused long enough to thank Hiroko for the meal. Yuuri ate quietly, looking only vaguely unsettled by Yurio's constant disruptions.

Victor was really drunk again last night, he mused inwardly, I wonder what's bothering him so much. I guess it could be Yurio being such a pain and yelling at him, insulting him and wanting to sleep in his closet.

I wonder if maybe they slept together, either here or back in Russia. There's kind of a strange similarity in the way they smell. Of course, it could be that he's stealing and using some of Victor's hair and skin products. Even though Yurio complains constantly about Victor's bad habits, it's clear that there is something he respects about Victor. He wouldn't be so intent on Victor being the one to design his first senior program if he didn't believe it was the best move for him.

So…it seems that Yurio believes in Victor's abilities as a choreographer. That makes sense. Victor wouldn't be on top of the skating world if he didn't have the talent he does, both as a skater and a choreographer. Yurio know he can't overcome his opponents in the senior division with just his own talents. He needs someone who can help him to shine. He trusts that Victor can do that, and he's going all in to get what he needs to excel this season. He's really driven.

If I want to beat him, here in this competition or in any of the others this season, I have to be driven too.

Yuuri felt the touch of Victor's intense gaze watching him and felt a blush rushing over his face. He kept his own eyes lowered to look at the food in front of him.

I am driven to show Victor how much he has influenced me as a skater.

Yurio is driven to win his first Grand Prix Final in the men's senior division.

For some reason, Victor has dropped everything and left competition, himself, this year. I know he's providing Yurio's program because of a promise he made, but…why did Victor come to Hasetsu to support me? Why did he take a break from skating to do that? He's on the top of the skating world and he has no need to do that. I've been thinking a lot about this, and I know, especially since Yurio showed up that if what Victor wanted was to begin to build his reputation as a coach and choreographer, then he would want to coach and choreograph for someone like Yurio. Yurio is a young, very talented skater who would make any coach and choreographer look good.

But…Victor didn't choose Yurio. Yurio came to him. What Victor chose was to come here and to help me.

Why?

Why is Victor here really?

What is Victor going to gain from all of this?

"Yuuri?"

Yuuri startled at the sound of Victor's voice and his chopsticks dropped onto his empty plate as his widened eyes found his coach's. His cheeks burned as he felt Yurio's harsh gaze and the younger Russian huffed scathingly.

"What the hell is wrong with you, piggy?" Yurio scolded him, "You're done. Why are you just sitting there, staring at your empty plate? You're fat enough. You don't need more food. Let's go already!"

"Oh," he said ruefully, "Right. Sorry."

"Yurio, be nicer," Victor chided his younger teammate as Yurio let out a disgusted breath and rolled his eyes, "Come, Yuuri. It's going to be a busy morning."

Yuuri let out a shaky breath and nodded.

The three left the hot spring inn with Victor riding ahead and Yurio and Yuuri jogging along behind him.

"Good morning!" Victor called out to a fisherman as they passed over the bridge leading out to where the ice rink stood.

"Morning, Victor!" the man called back.

"Yurio, be kind. Say hi," Victor urged his teammate.

"I told you. I'm not going by that stupid name!" Yurio snapped as Yuuri panted out a quick hello running past the fisherman.

When they reached the ice rink, Victor led them inside and the three put on their skates. Victor bent over the player for a moment, then he looked at the two young men waiting on the ice.

"First, I want you to listen to the music," he directed them.

Victor watched their reactions carefully as he played each selection, his mind focused on mental images of how the two would look performing the moves he had planned.

First, there is Yurio, a brash and driven young talent with an obviously bright future. He will make a splash at his first Grand Prix Series as a senior, and everyone knows it. They are expecting something that will highlight his fiery nature and strong will. Eros would definitely underscore that.

But…underneath, Yurio is a hidden omega, a young man who dares not let anyone know what he is on the inside. As much as he has talent and will make a splash, he is always in danger of discovery…and if he is discovered to be an omega instead of the confident alpha he is thought to be, everything will fall apart.

Then, we have Yuuri. On the surface, Yuuri is quiet and shy. He has never embraced the fact that he is an alpha, but has violently repelled the notion. He rejects the way the world is and buries himself in his skating…where alpha and omega disappear, and he can just be. Yes, Yuuri pushes away the truth to immerse himself in what he wishes could be. He seems naturally suited to Agape.

But…inside, Yuuri is much more. Beneath the surface of the anxious, self-effacing person he seems to be, Yuuri hides his alpha nature, burying it under layers of self-hatred. He feels the aggressive nature he is holding down, and he doesn't want it to escape. He doesn't want it to change him.

This is what makes me certain of my decision. I asked myself, what is the best way to help Yurio to shine in the best light while also concealing his omega nature? And what is the best way to take the shy, nervous Yuuri and get him to blossom into the beautiful alpha male he is inside? But of greatest importance, what will surprise the audience most?

He smiled at the two young men in front of him and pointed at Yuuri.

"You get Eros."

He pointed at Yurio.

"And you get Agape!"

His confidence in the declaration only grew as he watched their intense reactions.

Perfect.

I know this will being out the best in them.

And as he quickly showed the two the programs he had come up with, he only felt more satisfaction with the decision. He worked first with Yurio, mostly because he imagined that the sooner he saw to his obligation to his teammate, the sooner the younger Russian would go home and leave Yuuri and him alone.

But watching Yurio's willowy body perform Agape, even imperfectly brought unexpected emotions.

The core of the Agape program was really about Yume, he confessed silently to himself, My connection to the music and to those moves was always about the dreams I had for her future, for our future. That future disappeared when she died…but when I watch Yurio perform it, I feel like my love for Yume wasn't wasted. I watch as he masters the moves, and he lets his gentler side, his hidden omega out in such a beautiful way. My dreams for Yume are gone, but this song and this program and Yurio's performance all work together to convince me that it wasn't all a mistake. My lost hopes are still alive somewhere, and even though my efforts can't help my daughter, they can help this boy to grow. The legacy I lost when she died is going instead to Yurio in this program. Yes, this was the right decision.

But right decision or not, there was a price that he paid in guiding his younger teammate through the motions. He felt the heavy sting in his heart at the renewed feelings of loss.

I do feel comforted that what my love for Yume created is going to be honored by Yurio in this program, but…it also hurts to see it and remember the pain and the loneliness of losing her.

The throbbing ache increased throughout the day, and by the time he sent Yurio off to the temple and began to teach Yuuri his program, he knew it had to be showing. He wondered if Yuuri would notice, but if he did, he said nothing as he took his first steps learning the Eros program.

I hoped that the strong emotions would ease when Yurio left and I didn't have to see it anymore, but the truth is, while the Agape program was an expression of my connection to Yume, Eros embodies my connection to Yuuri, not as the shy, anxious boy about to quit skating due to his failures, but as the man he was the night of the Grand Prix Final in Sochi when he got drunk and we made our daughter. Eros is about how Yuuri got drunk and let his alpha side out, and it brought me into heat, right there.

Watching this in real life is giving me shivers.

…or could that feeling be…

No.

It's just a reaction to seeing this in real life instead of just in my mind. Yuuri as, not a skater, but as a lover, a partner and yes, a father.

It hurts so much.

He couldn't dismiss Yuuri quickly enough and he couldn't run fast enough to the nearest bar afterwards to get away from the pain. No amount of sake seemed to numb it, but he threw everything into trying, smiling cheerfully and chatting lightly with the bartender as he inwardly drowned in despair.

I've been doing this for longer than I can remember, even when I'm sober…showing one thing on the outside while another burns on the inside. If Yakov taught me one thing, it was not to let the world see me falling apart. They don't need that. They need the happy, talented, accomplished and always perfect shell that I give them. They don't need to see what happens when dreams end, when fate takes things away and when death strikes a jarring blow. No, being a celebrity and a victor is about letting others dream…even if those dreams are impossible.

"I think you've had enough to drink," the bartender said, breaking into Victor's reverie, "Let me get you a ride back to Yuutopia Katsuki."

"No, it's okay. I'll be fine."

He breathed a drunken sigh of relief as he left the bar and staggered through the quiet streets. The chill air seemed to take the edge off of everything, leaving him cold all over and finally not able to feel everything so deeply. He wasn't sure how he found his way back, and he even managed to slip by Mari as he arrived. He stumbled down the hallway and into his room, and he was relieved all over again to hear Yurio's snoring through the closed closet door…although he missed when Yuuri peeked out of his room, then crept to the Russian skater's guest room door.

Yuuri slipped into the room as Victor headed into the bathroom. His heart pounding, he slid the bedroom doors closed and crossed the room. He heard Victor retching, then the sound of the toilet flushing, followed by the sound of the shower. His teeth clenched as he moved to the open bathroom door and hesitated.

Yuuri's eyes widened at the sound of Victor's soft, muted sobs.

But even more shocking were the Russian's slurred words.

"I'm sorry. I tried as hard as I could, but I failed and there's nothing I can do now."

Oh my god! Yuuri panicked silently, Is Victor that depressed? He wouldn't…

But to be sure, Yuuri peeked around the edge of the doorway.

Victor sat, still clothed, on the floor of the shower with water raining down on him as he held his arms tightly around his midsection. More sobs shook his slender body and Yuuri was just about to go to him when Victor's next words shocked him back into stillness.

"I'm s-sorry, Yume. I'm so sorry that I failed you. Y-you were…right to leave me."

Yume?

Who is that?

Victor…had a Japanese girlfriend?

He couldn't escape fast enough back to his room, where he sat in the darkness on his bed, unable to stop seeing Victor as he'd been, drunk, reduced to tears and looking like he'd lost the thing most dear to him.

Is that the real reason that he came to Japan? Was Victor trying to reconcile with her and needed a reason to stay?

Who…is Yume?