Chapter 24: From the Heart

Still curled around pillows and deeply asleep, Victor somehow still felt an awareness of the warm hand that held his and the kind eyes that watched over him. It was a sensation he had lived most of his life without, but as his mind spun in the hazy, dark reaches of sleeping memory, a vision unlike any he could remember ever seeing, quietly began to unfold.

A male voice sounded, low and soft, humming but with a gentle purring that sounded beneath it. His eyes closed and his mind still drowsy from sleep, he clung to the familiar, sweet scent of the one holding him and the already beloved feel of the arms that held him. Sometimes, the sounds the man made were not humming, but patterns of sounds. Some, he had already learned were associated with pleasant things…soft coverings laid on his skin, being held close and suckling something warm and soothing from a pale breast…flashes of cool air and a vibrant sky.

The humming stopped, but the purr remained as the one holding him said something else he couldn't understand. He opened his eyes and a happy cooing escaped him as he saw the face that looked down at him, surrounded in light and smiling.

Victor sat up suddenly, his eyes wide and haunted and his heart pounding.

Then he realized that someone was still holding his hand. His head turned slightly and he sucked in a distressed breath as the dream he'd been having disappeared and he recalled why he was in the small, sealed room at the back of Yuutopia Katsuki…and why Hiroko was the one there, holding his hand while he slept. The realization brought a feeling of intense nausea, but he was sure it was an emotional reaction rather than any physical affliction.

"Are you all right, dear?" Hiroko asked calmly.

"I…ah…you were here all night, Mama Katsuki? You didn't sleep at all?"

"I am fine, Vic-chan," she assured him, "I can always catch up on a little lost sleep later. Don't you worry."

Victor suddenly recalled the doctor's words the night before about the treatment he'd been given and a blush roared over his face and throat.

"Sorry."

"There's no need to apologize," Hiroko assured him, patting his hand that she was still holding, "You've had a rough night."

"It's morning already," Victor groaned, holding his free hand to his stomach and bending forward against the feeling of sickness, "What time is it?"

"Too early for you to be worrying about that," Hiroko chuckled, "Lie down and rest more, Vic-chan. Let me make you some tea."

"But there's only one day left until the…" Victor objected.

"Of course," Yuuri's still smiling mother agreed, "and you will go to the ice rink after you have rested and Doctor Enatsu has come to talk to you. She came back during the night, saying that she'd received copies of your medical files from Tokyo and Russia, and she needed to draw some blood while you were still in heat. I'm sure she'll explain when she arrives."

"But…"

"It's fine. I've told Mari to pass along to Yuuri and Yurio that you were out drinking until this morning and you are still sleeping in another room."

"Well, I'm sure that would be easy for them to believe," Victor said, giving a little, shaky laugh.

His smile faded swiftly and he lowered his eyes to look down at the rumpled bedding.

"What's wrong, Vic-chan?" Hiroko asked, though he was convinced she knew already.

"I don't know if I should be looking you in the eyes after last night," he sighed, coloring even more, "If not for the fact that you know now I've been lying to everyone for years about being an omega, then…what you…"

Her gentle laughter surprised him into looking at her again.

"Why are you looking at me like that? Like you've done something so very wrong?"

"I…"

But he couldn't think of an answer.

Hiroko squeezed his hand, chuckling again.

"Would you like that tea now, Vic-chan?"

Victor's usually bright eyes clouded and he lowered them again.

"M-maybe we should talk before the doctor comes," he suggested.

"Of course," Hiroko answered, taking on a more serious expression, "I can see you're feeling anxious about last night, so maybe it's best to talk about it."

Victor swallowed the nervous knot in this throat and nodded. He noticed, then, the clothing he was wearing that he knew he hadn't been the night before.

Oh god, this is humiliating…

"I…hope I wasn't too…offensive," he offered.

"You were nothing of the sort," Hiroko assured him, "The doctor told me what to expect and what to do. There's nothing to be embarrassed about, Vic-chan. Really. Please don't worry about that."

"But if what the doctor said about the treatment she gave me was true, then…I'm sure you know that…"

Hiroko nodded.

"I know that Yuuri was with you during a heat and that he fathered the child that you lost," she said solemnly, "but that is really all that I know. I don't know when this was, though I suspect it was when Yuuri was at the Grand Prix Finals in Sochi?"

Victor took a shaky breath.

"Yes," he admitted softly, closing his eyes as he remembered, "I'd barely spoken to Yuuri since meeting him briefly at one of the preliminary greetings before the competition. I knew that it was his first time making the finals, and that he had told reporters that he was very excited about sharing the ice with me, because I'd been an inspiration to him. We didn't see much of each other during the competition, because we were in different groups, but I saw parts of his performances and heard how upset he was about his free skate. I caught sight of him looking at me as we were leaving the venue, and I asked if he wanted to get a photo together. I was trying to cheer him up, but it seemed to just make him more humiliated."

Victor's eyes opened and met Hiroko's again.

"I didn't see Yuuri again until the banquet that night. I wasn't really expecting to see him, and when he did come, it looked like his coach, Celestino, had dragged him there. He couldn't bear to mingle with the other skaters, so he started drinking…a lot."

"That sounds like our boy," Hiroko sighed, "Poor thing."

"Well, the drinking seemed to bring his barriers down, and for some reason, Yuuri got up the courage to come to talk to me. But Yurio got in the way, thinking he was…I don't know. He was just being Yurio."

Victor's lips couldn't help but smile as he continued.

"You should have seen his face when Yuuri challenged him to a dance off for the right to come and talk to me."

Hiroko giggled and Victor found himself laughing softly too as he continued.

"Yuuri decimated him, but then my friend, Chris, challenged him to…erm…well another dance competition and Yuuri wiped the dance floor with him too. By then, I really wanted to talk to him. I was impressed, flattered and really curious. But when Yuuri reached me, I think he was too gone on champagne for talking. He danced with me instead…at least a little. Then, he seemed to look a little sick, so I looked around for his coach, but Celestino was…"

"Too drunk to help," Hiroko sighed, shaking her head, "He has a reputation for that, doesn't he?"

Victor smirked and shrugged.

"I took Yuuri to his room and put him to bed. I knew he was super drunk, so I was careful to prop him on his side. He seemed to be asleep, so I turned to go…and I felt him grab my wrist."

He paused and ran his hands over his face.

"What I can't figure out is that I wasn't supposed to have a heat then. I know it wasn't supposed to happen. But I had started to notice little signs when we were dancing and it just…came on full force when we were alone there."

He paused again, looking silently at Hiroko for a moment and searching for the right words.

"He didn't hurt you, did he, dear?" Hiroko asked sympathetically.

"No," Victor reassured her.

"That's good. He would never forgive himself," she sighed sadly, "I'm sure you've learned already how Yuuri feels about being an alpha. I'm afraid he's never been able to make peace with it."

"At first, when I woke the next morning and went to see him and he was gone, I thought that he must have been devastated and maybe disgusted to learn I was an omega, so he just left without talking to me. I thought if he was looking up to me all of those years, thinking I was a powerful alpha, only to find it was a lie, he might hate me for it."

"Oh, I don't think that's possible…and more than that, I think that in the short time you've been here, you've seen that's not the case."

Victor nodded.

"That's what's so confusing! It's what I can't figure out. I don't know why he would leave without talking to me unless he was very angry with me. But then, after worlds, when I was in the hospital, he sent such a kind letter with your gifts…very kind, except that he made no reference to what had happened between us. I ended up thinking maybe he was worried about someone else seeing it, but then…he made the viral video, or actually Yuko's cute daughters made the video and posted it. Still, why would Yuuri work so hard perfecting Stammi Vicino if he was disgusted by me?"

"I don't think that Yuuri was at all disgusted by you," Hiroko suggested, "but you know how anxious he gets."

"I thought about that," Victor acknowledged, "I thought maybe he was just so taken by surprise, he freaked out and ran without really thinking things through…or he could have realized that he knew something that could bring my world down around my ears and he was afraid of revealing my omega status by mistake."

"I think there is also a possibility that Yuuri was upset with how he behaved with you," Hiroko added, "He may have been angry with himself and embarrassed. But whatever his reasons were, you must not think for a minute that Yuuri feels anything but respect and admiration for you."

"I don't know how that can be after what I've done," Victor said, lowering his eyes.

"Hmm," the Katsuki matriarch said, rubbing her chin with one hand, "I think you and our boy have more in common than your love of skating. Neither one of you seems very happy that you are alpha and omega."

"Considering what would have happened if I hadn't lied about being an omega, can you really blame me for hating that I am one? I never wanted to tell lies, but when it was found that I was an omega, Yakov warned me about what happened to other omegas who did not hide their status. They were looked down on and even scored lower because of the heavy bias against them! Yakov knew that in that environment, I couldn't grow. I would have shriveled and died and I wouldn't have survived to inspire anyone."

"You don't need to worry about me judging you for that, Vic-chan," Hiroko reassured him, "I agree, the world is not kind to omegas. They are very unfairly treated. I will also assure you that Yuuri knows that. He would not think badly of you for hiding that you are an omega. He would be more likely to…"

"…hate himself for it," Victor finished, "But, Hiroko-san, I don't know what to do with that. The Eros program I gave to Yuuri for the competition tomorrow is supposed to surprise everyone by showing them the beauty of his alpha nature, but if Yuuri, himself, doesn't think it's beautiful, then he is in trouble, and I'm the one who set him up for what will happen!"

"That is worrisome," Hiroko agreed, tapping one finger on her cheek, "but I have faith in Yuuri and in you to overcome that difficulty."

"I can't do that from here," Victor fretted, "I should go and at least try to…"

"I've told you that you need to stay at least long enough to see the doctor," Hiroko persisted.

"But Yuuri…"

"Don't worry about Yuuri," the elder woman said firmly, "Let him have some time to work on it. I have a feeling that Yuuri is very determined to find the way to win that competition. Knowing that he has to fight to keep you here is helping him to grow stronger."

"But what if Yuuri doesn't win?" Victor exclaimed, "I will have to keep my word and go back to Russia to train Yurio! I don't want to do that. I only made that agreement because I was caught up in the planning for the competition and I sometimes don't stop to think things through. Yakov's always yelling at me to…"

"It's going to be fine, Vic-chan," Hiroko said bracingly, laying a hand on his arm as he started to try to climb out of the bed, "Yuuri and Yurio are not going anywhere, and even if you are a little late, I have confidence that the three of you can figure things out. I think our focus right now needs to be on your health."

"I can't think about…"

Victor went silent as a tapping sounded on the door and Doctor Enatsu entered the room. She smiled at Hiroko and Victor and sat down in a chair by the bed.

"Good morning, Hiroko-san, good morning, Victor."

"Good morning, Doctor," Victor greeted her, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but I need to get to the ice rink."

"Oh, I know about the Hot Springs on Ice competition, of course," the doctor acknowledged, "If I didn't have to work again at the clinic tomorrow, I would come, but my daughter and her husband and their children are going. We're all big fans of yours and Yuuri-kun's."

"Oh, thank you," Victor said gratefully.

"Now then, let me check your vital signs," the doctor said, leaning over him to listen to his heart and breathing, "You still seem rather agitated, but your heat has subsided completely now?"

"Yes," Victor affirmed, "I feel fine, well except for the headache I have from being slammed against the building by that drunk guy."

He frowned and tilted his head, looking at Hiroko curiously.

"Isn't he going to be a problem?" he asked.

"Maeda-san?" Hiroko chuckled, smirking, "Oh, he's no problem. Mari and I just put him in a room and when he woke, Mari convinced him that he just drank too much and passed out and must have been having strange dreams. He doesn't suspect a thing."

"That's good, I suppose," Victor mused.

"You seem fine except for the bump on your head."

"So, I can go?" Victor asked anxiously.

"Ah, not yet," Enatsu chuckled, "If you think you can hold back for another few minutes, I want to go over your test results. I took some blood last night and I went over the records sent from Tokyo and Saint Petersburg."

She gave Hiroko a little nod.

"I also looked over Yuuri-kun's records."

She paused and looked into Victor's piqued eyes.

"I want to first inform you, Victor, that you do not have to answer any questions that make you uncomfortable, and we can have this meeting with or without Hiroko-san present. You may also request that the meeting take place when others of your choice can be here."

"Oh, well, I just want it to be the three of us for now," Victor answered.

He turned his attention to Hiroko, who looked back at him patiently.

"I promise I will talk to Yuuri, just…I don't think either of us is ready for that conversation yet."

"I understand."

"Victor," the doctor addressed him, "I need you to confirm a few things for me. Was Yuuri-kun the alpha who impregnated you?"

Victor swallowed hard.

"Y-yes."

"Was this act consensual?" Enatsu inquired.

"Eh, well, I was in heat…or…or I mean, I suddenly went into heat. Doctor, it wasn't Yuuri's fault, really!"

"I'm not trying to blame Yuuri-kun," the doctor assured him, "I simply need to know what happened. So, you went into an unexpected heat and the two of you had unprotected sex?"

"Yes," Victor sighed, putting his face in his hands, "a lot of times in his hotel room."

"You went into his room?"

"I was putting him into the bed…on his side, because we were both very drunk and his coach was too drunk to look after him. I put him in the bed and propped him on his side, then I started to leave, but Yuuri sensed my heat and he grabbed me and pulled me down with him. I knew he was too out of it to know what he was doing, so I just tried to tell him not to hurt me and to use protection. He didn't hurt me when we had sex. In fact, it was damned amazing!"

Victor stopped abruptly as a little titter escaped Hiroko and the doctor covered her mouth with one hand for a moment.

"S-sorry," he apologized.

"It's fine," the doctor assured him, "Go on."

"Eh, he didn't hurt me, but he also didn't use anything, so…"

He stopped again, looking into Hiroko's eyes as he answered.

"…so, a few weeks later, I started having symptoms and I was tested and found out I was pregnant. I was…beside myself. I didn't know what to do."

"Did you contact Yuuri-kun to tell him about the child?"

"N-no!" Victor confessed, "I…I thought at the time, because Yuuri left without talking to me, that he was angry to find out that I was an omega. I think, I mean, I suppose I was wrong about that, but I didn't know at the time."

"It says here that you had a doctor in Russia and you were cleared to compete during the early months of your pregnancy. I have gone over your test results and I will tell you honestly that I would have made the same recommendation. I do not think that your miscarriage had anything to do with you continuing to compete."

"Oh, well, I guess that's good, but…"

"I do have a concern, however, and I want to share with you what that is so that you can decide what you want to do about it."

"What?" Victor asked in a shocked tone, giving the doctor a horrified look, "Is there something wrong with me?"

"No, no, not at all, Victor," Enatsu said reassuringly.

"Then, what is it? What did you find that's concerning?" the Russian skater asked worriedly.

"Yuuri-kun is also the alpha who bit you?" the doctor asked.

Victor's teeth clenched and he couldn't look at Hiroko as he answered.

"I don't think he knew what he was doing because he was so drunk, but…yes, he did."

"Did you give him permission to bite you?"

"Ah…n-no…I mean, I don't know, because I was really drunk and in heat. I probably would have begged him to knot us together, make babies and bite me, all in one breath, given how little thinking I was doing. You can't blame Yuuri for this!"

"I assure you, I am not placing blame," Enatsu said soothingly, "I am only making sure I have all of the facts. Now, Victor, are you aware that when you were identified as an omega, it was noted that you did not present normally?"

"Yes," Victor answered, managing a small chuckle as he answered, "Yakov said it was just like me to not do anything the way I was supposed to."

Enatsu nodded.

"And Hiroko-san, it is also true, is it not, that Yuuri-kun did not present normally when he was identified as an alpha?"

"That is right," Hiroko affirmed, "He did experience rut, but he also had times when his scent would get sweeter, and though there was no heat that we could detect, it was definitely abnormal."

Enatsu nodded again.

"Now, what I am going to tell the two of you is that there is new research taking place right now on pairs of what in medical terms, we call anomalies. These are pairs in which both the alpha and the omega have not presented normally, and the alpha goes on to bite an omega, resulting in a phenomenon that our scientists are referring to as primal balancing."

"Primal balancing," Victor repeated, frowning, "What is that?"

"Well, we are not sure exactly what the balancing means. Right now, it just means that scientists have found fluctuations in the hormones of the alpha-omega pairs in the study and they are examining and running tests to try to learn more."

"That is all good and well," Victor sighed, "but it isn't very helpful to Yuuri and me right now. Yuuri is in some kind of weird denial or something, and I don't think that dragging all of this out into the open is going to do anyone any good!"

"I am going to have to side with Vic-chan on this," Hiroko said suddenly, earning looks of surprise from both Victor and the doctor.

"Hiroko-san?" Doctor Enatsu queried.

"Sumiyae-san," the Katsuki matriarch said warmly, "You have been our friend for many years. You know our Yuuri very well, so you know that to burden him with too much at once would likely overwhelm him at a time when he needs to feel the love and support of the family around him. Now, Vic-chan has come to Hasetsu to support Yuuri in his skating career. This, you already know, but he has also come…"

She paused and touched Victor's arm in a gesture of affection.

"…to support Yuuri in better understanding himself. Yuuri needs time to work through each step of learning about all of this. I think the best we can do is to entrust this to Vic-chan, who seems determined to help Yuuri grow into his alpha maturity."

Doctor Enatsu gave Victor a little smile.

"And what does Victor have to say about this?" she asked.

Victor paused and took a shaky breath.

"I…want to help Yuuri and I need answers too," he explained, "I am committed to this."

"And what if, as I heard from my granddaughter, Yuuri-kun loses and you leave Hasetsu?"

Victor's teeth clenched and his voice sounded roughly as he answered.

"Yuuri…is not going to lose."

"Well, you sound very determined," Enatsu concluded, gathering her things.

She took a little bottle of pills out of her medical bag and handed them to Victor.

"Please try to remember to take these as you should," she instructed him, "Your heats should be normal now, after this first one following your miscarriage, but you don't want them distracting you from the important work you are doing."

Thank you," Victor said softly, accepting the pills.

"Victor, I have one more recommendation for you, and I really would like you to follow up on it. If, as you say, you are going to stay in Hasetsu to train Yuuri-kun, please give my office a call and I will refer you to a counselor to help you to sort out everything that is going on. There is a great deal of upheaval in your life right now and…"

"And I will handle it," Victor insisted stubbornly, "I told you before. I know my daughter is dead. I know it and I accept the reality. I also know that Yuuri and I have a lot to work through, but I have…"

He stopped and smiled almost shyly at Hiroko.

"I have family to help me. I will be all right. Thank you for helping me last night. I very much appreciate it."

"Of course," Enatsu said, bowing, "Hiroko-san, if you have any sense, you will talk this stubborn boy into what I've suggested."

Hiroko laughed as the doctor left, but she sobered quickly as she looked back at Victor and found he was wearing a somber expression.

"What is it, dear?" she asked, "Are you having second thoughts about the counseling. You know, it could be helpful."

"No," Victor said with certainty.

"Ah…"

"I promise you that I will not try to kill myself."

"Vic-chan!" Hiroko objected.

"You know I wouldn't lie to you now. I trust you. I…trust you with…everything. And because I trust you so much, I need to ask you to…do something for me."

Hiroko's head tilted to the side and she studied his serious face curiously.

"Where is the coat I was wearing last night?" he asked.

The lady innkeeper left his bedside and returned with the tan long coat, then watched as Victor laid it on his lap and reached into the right hand pocket. She smiled as she spotted the omamori.

"That is the omamori we gave you when you were in the hospital, ne?" she inquired.

"Yes. I always have it with me now."

Victor looked down at the second item he had taken from his pocket and extended a pale hand, offering it to Hiroko. There was a long pause as she studied the little package.

"That is the package that came from Russia," she recalled, "Vic-chan…?"

"When I lost Yuuri's and my daughter, my doctor felt it was important for me to be able to mourn her. They asked me to give her a name and they gave me her ashes after she was removed from my body. I need to ask you to look after her…until I can tell Yuuri about her and we can mourn her together."

"Oh, Vic-chan!" Hiroko whispered, her brown eyes flooding with tears as his lighter ones did the same.

She held the little package to her chest, swallowing hard and remaining silent for a moment, then she met Victor's eyes tentatively again.

"What is her name?"

She blinked and the tears slid onto her cheeks as Victor's head dropped onto her shoulder and his answer came in a choked whisper.

"I called her Yume, because she was the most beautiful of dreams."