Chapter 25: Er…gape

(Hey there! It's the second day of Vic-mas and your one and only YOI loving Spunky has another Victor flavored treat for you!)

Victor loosed a sigh of relief as he returned to his room and found that Yurio and Yuuri seemed to have already left for the ice rink.

As much as I know I need to be there, helping them, I still feel pretty awful.

He laughed softly to himself.

I don't think Mama Katsuki wanted me to leave, but it's likely she realizes how important today is. Tomorrow is the day that decides. If Yuuri wins, I will remain here and train him. If Yurio wins, then I will have to return to Russia and coach him.

I'm not stupid. I see the sense in Yakov setting me up to coach a major talent right away. He knows I'm losing my motivation to skate and he is literally giving me a wonderful opportunity to make a smooth transition to coaching. I just…can't help what I felt when I saw Yuuri skating Stammi Vicino! I still go back and look at it, and I do it because it makes me feel alive again, in a way I haven't for awhile. Yes, Yuuri's skating is giving me back my motivation. I'm not ready to quit skating. Not only that. There is still a lot that Yuuri and I need to confront together…me being an omega, the night we spent together and the baby. I need to explain about Yume and why I didn't come to him sooner.

But…if Yuuri loses and I end up going back to Russia, my skating career will end now and we will not be able to open up about anything.

Yuuri has to win.

But, he realized, there was a lot of history of Yuuri being faced with challenge and failing to rise to the occasion.

He picked up his pack and slipped it onto his back, then left the inn on foot. He could, of course, have taken the bicycle or gotten a ride if he'd wanted to get there faster, but the confusion in his mind was something that needed to be dealt with before he could effectively prepare Yuuri for the competition.

I did go back and look at some of the competitions Yuuri has been in and I was able to pick out a sort of pattern. It seems like his anxiety may be tied to the pressure he feels from others' expectations. In those times when he was up against a challenger who was expected to outscore him, whether he won or lost in the end, Yuuri seemed to hold up well. If he lost, it was usually because of the difference in ability between him and the ones he was challenging.

It was when Yuuri was doing better than expected or when he was leading that he seemed more anxious. Yes, I replayed the Sochi competition programs several times, looking closely. He actually did well in the short program. He was in fourth place going into the free program. I know that his dog, Vic-chan, died in between, so that was a factor, but Yuuri was also under pressure because of the high expectations he felt that his coach and supporters had for him, going into the free skate.

In this competition, Yuuri is coming off major losses in the Grand Prix finals and last year's nationals. His faith in himself has declined and I think his supporters are in doubt too. Love him or not, his failures last season were alarming. So…expectation will not be so high. He may be nervous, being in front of his home crowd, but at the same time, Yuko pointed out that Yuuri hates to lose. Add to that, Yuuri wants very badly for me to stay. All of this is going to work in his favor.

The one thing that Yuuri needs to do to bring this off is to take the program to the next level by making it his own. He's struggling to figure out how to do that. I'll focus today on helping him think about it.

Yurio, now, has a great handle on the technical of his program, but he needs to become one with the feeling, the emotion of Agape. It's asking him to open up, to relate. For an angry teenage punk like him, that's asking a lot. But I do see that Yurio is working at trying to understand. The problem is, he thinks that it's a thing he has to change, some moves he has to improve. Bringing off Agape effectively is about appreciating the emotion behind it. I created Agape out of the love of a parent for his unborn child. Yurio doesn't have that to reference as I do, so he will have to find his own relatable example to think about when he performs. The question is, at what point will he come to understand it's about the emotion, it's about letting go and feeling unconditional love. I've asked this of a young, angry punk…but he is also a very talented and smart skater. He could do it.

Victor realized suddenly that while he had been thinking, he had reached the ice rink and was standing in front of the place, staring blankly and unsure he wanted to move. He took a breath to steady himself, then forced his feet to step forward.

As he opened the doors into the rink, he spotted Yuuri performing a better quad salchow, although he still botched the landing and fell.

"Idiot!" Yurio snapped, "I'll show you one more time."

Yurio is helping Yuuri with the quad salchow?

"Hey, what were you two doing over there?"

The two spotted him entering and swiftly skated away from each other, Yuuri to the edge of the rink, near Victor and Yurio to the far end, where he started working on a run through of the Agape program. Victorfelt Yuuri's eyes watching him expectantly, but turned his attention to Yurio, pretending not to notice.

Yuuri's anxiety flared up the moment he knew that I saw him practicing the quad salchow, because I'd told him to forget about doing that jump in his program. I just meant that we should stick with what he can do relatively easily. It's a well supported way to increase confidence by lowering the difficulty. The focus is on perfecting the basic elements for a high technical score. With perfect execution mixed with Yuuri's ability to gain a high PCS even when his nerves cause him to make technical errors, this is a way to maximize his score.

However…

I also learned from Yuko that Yuuri hates losing, and when he is challenged by people not thinking he can do something, he stubbornly works to prove he can do it. I challenged Yuuri when I told him not to do the quad salchow, but that seems to have just increased his determination to master that jump. In this case, the challenge increases his confidence and the lack of expectation lowers his anxiety. He can always decide not to do the more difficult jump if he feels something's not right. If I acknowledge that I saw him practicing that jump and encourage him to do it, I raise expectation, which could increase his anxiety. More than my encouragement, Yuuri needs to be challenged and to feel his own strength in the fight to perfect this jump.

I think he can do it. I…don't know if he'll perfect it in time for this competition, so it's a gamble, of course, but I believe in him.

I will say nothing to him so I do not change the status quo.

Instead, he focused closely on Yurio, at first, pretending to be intent on all of his movements, then a moment later, he actually began to feel enthralled.

Something is different now in Yurio's skating. Before, he was doing it technically perfect, but he was also trying to copy my performance. I want him to learn that it's not enough to bowl everyone over with your confidence and technical perfection. Skating isn't just a competition, it is an art form. A large number of points come from artistic interpretation, and because Yurio and I are different people our performances should differ in emotional display. All along, Yurio has been technically perfect, but instead of his agape, what I saw was overconfidence and flushes of anger. The waterfall must have chilled him out and made him think, because I see something new this time.

He felt again that Yuuri was watching him very closely.

"Well," he said, rubbing his chin and using a tone that suggested he was talking to himself rather than his watchful student, "it looks like Yurio has finally found his Agape. Maybe he is ready for the next stage."

Yes, I must acknowledge Yurio's growth, but in a way that suggests to Yuuri what he can do to raise his performance level…all in a non-direct way so that he feels he can surprise me later when he achieves it.

I never realized before how hard Yakov has to work mentally when he coaches all of us.

Shit, this is difficult.

Maybe I should have just stuck to skating and left the damned coaching to him.

No. Just like Yuuri and Yurio, I need to be learning. I still want to compete, but I do need to think about what comes after that. I need to see the end of my skating career, not as a dead end, but as a new beginning.

Victor felt a little warm satisfaction as he read Yuuri's expression out of the corner of one ocean blue eye and he could almost hear the words as if they'd been spoken.

Do I get a 'next stage' when I perform the Eros of the pork cutlet bowl?

He kept his attention on the younger Russian, feeling tears threatening at just how beautiful Yurio looked as he applied his own emotion to the perfectly executed moves.

Yes, Yuuri, I am looking forward to seeing you master the Eros of the pork cutlet bowl, because then you too will reach the next stage. Please, don't keep me waiting too long.

Yuuri moved away from him and began to practice the moves of his program, but Victor felt the intensity of this thinking as he performed.

I can see your mind working. You know now that it isn't enough for you to execute the moves flawlessly, you must interpret them in your own way. When I showed you Eros, I showed you my interpretation of Eros. You have your own Eros that no one has ever seen. You must externalize that Eros, Yuuri, and you must do it tomorrow!

XXXXXXXXXX

Eros, Yuuri mused as he worked his way through the now familiar moves of his short program, sexual love…layer upon layer of pleasure until you're drowning in it…except that I have no idea what that feels like!

He felt Victor's eyes watching him, but was so focused on thinking that he simply ignored it.

I'm a virgin. I've never even had a girlfriend. All I know about Eros is what I know about alphas. The problem is that alphas only care about their own pleasure, and they don't mind hurting omegas to get their fill of pleasure. Maybe the reason I am having so much trouble with this program is because I hate the way alphas behave!

I don't ever want to be like that.

But…isn't that what I'm supposed to do?

What was it that Victor said about Yurio? He said that Yurio has found 'his' Agape. I also noticed the change in his performance, so I know what Victor saw. The problem is, if I want my performance to evolve, then I have to come up with some version of Eros that doesn't sicken me!

He ran through the moves again, then skated to the edge of the rink ran a towel over his sweating face and neck before drinking some water and heading out across the ice to work at the moves again. He took his starting position and paused.

Okay, so I hate being an alpha, but I need to find my Eros. My Eros has to be something that can exist alongside those feelings of disgust that I have for alpha thinking and behavior. I have no sexual experience, but…I have heard other people talk about it, I've seen it in movies, and I've had vivid dreams about having sex.

Yuuri's breath caught and his body stiffened suddenly as a vision flashed in his mind.

He found himself thrust into the middle of his heart's desire. Unexpectedly, he discovered he was naked and on his hands and knees on a hotel room bed, hovering over Victor Nikiforov's perfect, bared body. Even drunk, he knew this was truly his treasured Victor, the one he'd wanted for so long to get close to, the one he wanted to touch, to kiss, to possess.

But something was wrong.

First of all, he smelled sweet…so intoxicatingly attractive that Yuuri's drunken mind spun even harder. And Victor wasn't smiling. His blue-green eyes looked distressed and his hands pushed against Yuuri's naked chest.

"YUURI, STOP!"

Yuuri heard Victor shout and was yanked out of his thoughts just in time to realize he'd screwed up a jump and was crashing down onto the ice. Victor was there in an instant, helping him to his feet and brushing the ice flecks off of his clothing, scolding him in Russian, because that's what the Russian legend did when he was…

He sounded scared!

Yuuri's rounded eyes looked at Victor's worried face, but it seemed to shift oddly back and forth from worried about him to being frightened of him, then it shifted back.

"Yuuri, are you all right!" Victor exclaimed, "Were you hurt?"

"I-I'm okay," he managed unsteadily.

"Be careful, Yuuri," Victor chided him, but the words brought something else to his mind…

Victor laid beneath him, his body trapped firmly and his hands shaking where they still pushed against Yuuri's heaving chest.

"What are you doing?" Victor managed in a shaking voice, "Get off of me, Yuuri."

Yuuri's head bowed and nuzzled into the place between Victor's graceful neck and slim shoulder. He breathed in deeply, then his voice sounded in an almost otherworldly growl.

"That's not what you want, is it, Victor?"

Yuuri's hot, marauding tongue ran luridly along his neck, then Victor closed his eyes and shivered at the feel of the other man's teeth scraping along the fine skin.

"Don't, Yuuri," Victor pleaded softly, "I understand you are an alpha. I didn't know before, but it's clear now. I've gone into an early heat. I'll let you fuck me, but you will have to use a condom, okay? I don't want to get…"

His words ended in a distressed whimper as Yuuri breathed in deeply again, then clamped his mouth down on the Russian beauty's and he ground against Victor's trapped body wantonly. He used his tie to bind the Russian beauty's wrists. Victor groaned and closed his eyes as Yuuri's mouth plundered his, bringing on the full fury of heat and rut, and leaving Victor incapacitated.

But as much as Yuuri definitely wanted to take him, he wanted also to devour the beautiful expanses of pale flesh he had long desired. His mouth ravaged every inch of Victor's exposed chest and soft belly, then his tongue plunged into Victor's navel and he sucked hard, leaving a red marking all around it. He followed the pale, silvery hairs down to Victor's inflamed penis, then he paused and met Victor's dazed eyes before licking him from balls to tip and making him groan in anticipation. Hard fingers slid down and played in the mess between his buttocks, then pushed their way inside him.

Yuuri's fingers pushed in deep, thrusting and scissoring, stretching him carefully, then plunging in deep again and making the trapped omega's back arch as Victor gasped at the intensity of the pleasure it caused.

"Y-yuu-ri!" Victor panted, "What are you…?"

The Japanese man's wild brown eyes glared into his.

"Dance for me, Victor!"

There was something about the heat and the intensity of those wide, commanding eyes that left no room for argument. Yuuri's finger stroked his prostate and Victor's hips rose off the bed and he howled out Yuuri's name again, coming violently as the Japanese man watched and licked his lips. Yuuri's head turned sideways and laid down on Victor's heaving breast as he removed his fingers and positioned himself for entry.

"Y-yuuri, I'm a…v-virgin, okay?" Victor managed, "D-don't hurt…"

"Yuuri!" Victor shouted, snapping the Japanese skater out of his terrified mind.

He stared at Victor, blinking as his mind vacillated dizzyingly between the fully dressed and annoyed men in front of him to the scared omega lying under him.

"Yuuri," Victor growled sternly, taking him by the shoulders and glaring into his eyes, "wake up! I can see you're not concentrating at all. We have only until tomorrow to…"

"I know!" Yuuri yelled back, "I know I'm not getting this and I know I'm running out of time. You don't have to tell me that!"

His jaw dropped and Yuuri went silent with shock.

I yelled at him.

"It's all right, Yuuri," Victor said more calmly.

"No, no it's not."

"It's okay," Victor assured him, letting go of him and turning away, "I'm sorry I shouted at you. Obviously, you were focused on some aspect of your program. I was just unsure whether it was that or if you were distracted. Can you tell me…is there anything I can do?"

Yuuri gave him a haunted look.

"N-no, not right now."

I have to find 'my' Eros. Now, I think I might know what that is.

He continued to pore over the thought as he finished his practice and headed back to the inn alongside an unusually quiet Victor and an unusually calm and somber Yurio. His thoughts weighing on him, he skipped the hot spring and ate lightly at dinner, adjourning to his bedroom while avoiding Victor and Yurio completely. He laid in his bed, still heavily focused and starting to understand.

I can't be like Victor's alpha Eros. It's not me. I hate the way alphas look down on omegas and use them. Secretly? I would love to turn the tables on them. They treat omegas with disrespect and dismiss their feelings, their hurt, their sadness.

What if my Eros turned the tables on that? What if, instead of a handsome playboy, my Eros was a beautiful omega? What if I danced to seduce someone like Victor's alpha Eros? What if I ensnared him and made him desire me so much that he couldn't see anything else? Then…when I felt him give in, when I knew that I had him and he couldn't escape the fact of loving me for real…what if I turned my back on him and discarded him, leaving him to be the one in agony and longing for the love, the true love of his life?

That's it!

That's 'my' Eros!

Without a thought about how late it was, he jumped out of his bed, threw on his dance clothes and headed out at a dead run for Minako's.