AN: Thank you for all the support! It is very deeply appreciated!
Severus floated back into the room, his feet centimeters from the ground. His glow was pink, a smile was plastered onto his face.
"I take it things went well with Hermione." Sirius smirked, though there was no malice in his expression.
"We may have worked a few things out," Severus lay down on the couch, his eyes glistening.
"I'm glad things went so well." Sirius stepped closer to him. "When you didn't come home at midnight, I was afraid something had happened."
"No, nothing happened, other than we agreed to be in a romantic relationship." Severus' glow intensified.
"Great," Sirius replied. "So what's next?"
Severus raised an eyebrow.
"How do you plan to keep her interested in you?"
He stared at him, mouth open.
"Do you have any plans to romance her?"
"Romance her?" His glow was lessening.
"Yes." Sirius loomed over him. "Romance her."
Severus sat upright, now completely white. "Why would I need to romance her?"
"Is that an actual question?"
Severus twisted his lips.
"You are her boyfriend, right?"
"Boyfriend?" He frowned. "That sounds absolutely juvenile."
"Well, I'd call you her lover except," He pointed to Severus' groin. "You can't make love if you know what I mean."
"I can't?" Severus glanced at his robe.
"No, you don't have right equipment."
"I don't?" Severus squeaked. Truth be told, he'd never considered which parts of his anatomy had made it into the afterlife and which had not. He'd never had the inclination or the privacy to take a peek down there. Come to think of it he hadn't so much as attempted to take off his robe. Had he been so busy over these last seven years he hadn't even taken time to examine his new form?
"At least I don't have it." Sirius ignored the other spirit's distress. "I already looked."
"You looked?"
He looked at Severus as if he'd just asked if a unicorn had a horn.
Severus turned neon green. Was he really having an anatomy discussion with the man who exposed his underwear for all of Hogwarts to see?
"Not having certain parts inhibits you in the romance department, but that's okay. You'll think of something."
Severus' white glow was arrhythmically pulsating.
"Are you okay?"
"I have to be Hermione's lover?"
"Yeah, I thought that was the goal." Sirius drawled.
"I've never been on a proper date in my life, yet I have this woman expecting me to romance her because I've agreed to be romantic with her?"
"Looking at it from that angle she is setting herself up for disappointment, isn't she?"
Severus groaned before curling himself in a ball.
"Okay, don't worry. I'll think of something." Sirius muttered.
"Think of it quick."
"Don't rush me" Sirius motioned for Severus to move his legs. "You can't rush true love."
"With all due respect," Severus sat upright, allowing Sirius to plop down beside him. "It seems that every relationship you've been in has lasted no longer than one night. You are hardly an expert in love."
"True, I don't know how to sustain a relationship, but I do know how to romance, which is a skill you lack."
"I cannot imagine you know any more about seducing women than I do."
"James would vehemently disagree with you."
"James?" Severus' eyes bulged.
"I gave him a few tips on seducing Lily. Without me he never would've captured her attention." Sirius paled before turning to Severus. "Which is probably why the Trinity wants me to help you with Hermione."
Severus shook his head.
"I'm sorry if I upset you…"
"I would be upset except," he turned a dull pink. "I would rather spend an eternity with Hermione than Lily."
"Great!" Sirius clapped his hands. "I'm already setting things right."
"All you did was give me a few pep talks. You have yet to help me on any kind of formal date with her."
"That's a technicality."
"It's the truth."
"Fine," Sirius scratched his chin. "Do you know what she likes to do on dates?"
"Eat food from a restaurant."
"That's out given that you can't leave her house, although," he brightened. "You could order in."
"I'm teaching her to cook. Asking her to eat out would undermine everything I'm trying to teach her."
"See, this is your problem," Sirius raised his finger. "You lack any and all romantic instinct."
"How is wanting her to cook not being romantic?"
"You're asking her to work on her date."
"I'm teaching her a necessary life skill. There is no reason I should cease doing so because we're on a date."
"I swear you wouldn't know romance if it smacked you in the back of the head," Sirius replied. "She could take you to Paris and you would spend the entire time complaining about the traffic."
"The traffic is horrid there."
Sirius smacked his head with his hand.
"I am only being honest. I went there for a potions conference once, and the city was narrow and cramped. I did not appreciate shoving so many people aside."
"Thank the Trinity you aren't leaving her house then," Sirius grumbled.
"Indeed, I do not wish to repeat the experience."
"Fine," Sirius' glow returned to its regular hue. "You are going to force her to cook her own dinner. How romantic."
"Would you rather I force her to pay for it?"
"Given that a woman like Hermione would've paid for her own meal anyway and you won't be eating, she probably wouldn't have minded paying."
Severus blinked.
"But fine, you want to play chef with her. Do you know any aphrodisiacs?"
"She can make pasta, which I've always found romantic."
"Pasta isn't bad."
"And she likes strawberry ice cream."
"Strawberry is an aphrodisiac, so that could work." Sirius nodded. "After dinner, what do you plan to do?"
"Discuss potions."
Sirius slumped as if he'd just been hexed in the heart.
"What?" Severus hissed.
"You sound like the most boring boyfriend in existence."
"I apologize for not taking her skydiving. Also, I'm her paramour, not boyfriend. It sounds more mature."
"Paramour, whatever," Sirius replied. "You still sound stuffy and boring."
His glow dimmed. "Which is probably why not many girls showed an interest in me."
"Amongst other reasons." Sirius sat upright.
Severus slouched
"You need to make Hermione feel special when you come down there. Normally I'd suggest chocolates, flowers, or strawberry ice cream. We can't touch many earthly things though so those are out."
"This is hopeless," Severus muttered.
"No, it isn't. I just have to remember who I'm talking about."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I've spied on Hermione for a few weeks now and I have some idea of what she likes and does not like."
"She likes potions."
"No, she likes curing her father. You like potions and are bringing her along for the ride." Sirius glanced at the books on the ground. "But she does like books."
"As do I."
"Yes," his glow brightened. "You both like books, which is something I can work with."
"How?"
"You need to make her feel special by reading to her."
Severus' eyes grew.
"I know, your voice is not angelic," Sirius replied. "It grates on my nerves after ten seconds. Still, it has that deep quality which some women like."
"So you want me to read to her like she's a toddler?"
"No, I want you to read to her like you're trying to make a woman feel special."
"How would I do that?"
"Well, let's practice." Sirius picked up a book. "Ah Rival Lovers. It'll be perfect for our purposes."
"How? It's about two homosexual wrestlers, not seducing women."
"Don't care." Sirius shoved the book into Severus' hands. "Go ahead and read it."
Severus scowled before opening the book.
"She won't find the scowl sexy."
Severus bit back his next words.
"I'm ready when you are."
Severus began as if he was giving a lecture. "I entered the grammar school of the teacher Dionysius, and saw there the young men who are accounted the most comely in form and of distinguished family, and their lovers."
Sirius pretended to yawn.
Severus stopped reading. His glow was red.
"You need to put some feeling into it. Read like you actually care what's on the page."
"I entered the grammar school of the teacher Dionysius!" Severus put as much emotion into the words as he could.
"Oh Trinity you sound like a third grader in his first play."
Severus threw the book onto his lap. "I apologize for not meeting your oh so lofty standards."
"I'm trying to show you how to make a woman happy."
"How can I do that if I am so lacking in the romance department?"
"Look." Sirius' glow brightened. "Just pretend you're alone with Hermione. It's just you and her in her library. She wants to read Rival Lovers because she doesn't understand that it's about homosexual wrestlers. All she did was pick up the book and thought it was romantic."
Severus took the book again.
"Now, read it not as a professor, but as someone who knows he is loved unconditionally. Don't read it like a performance, but as an honest attempt to make a woman feel special."
"Very well then." He returned his attention to the page. His voice was low, yet he enunciated every word. "I entered the grammar school of the teacher Dionysius, and saw there the young men who are accounted the most comely in form and of distinguished family, and their lovers."
"Perfect," Sirius purred.
Severus' glow intensified. "What?"
"I said you read it perfectly"
"No I mean, you almost sounded like it was too perfect for you."
"Don't flatter yourself." Sirius grinned. "You are far from my type."
"Good, because you are far from my type too."
"Still, if someone read like that to me, I would spend the rest of the night with them."
"I have difficulty seeing you spend the night with anyone who read to you."
"I mean I did have a thing for illiterate people…" There was a spark in Sirius' eyes.
Severus snickered.
"Joking aside." Sirius grinned. "Don't worry about seeing Hermione again. If all else fails, read to her the way you read to me. It'll get you out of more than one jam."
"True, but do you truly believe we can build a relationship off of reading?"
"Of course not. Even you and Hermione don't like books that much."
Severus' glow lessened.
"Until I get an idea of what kind of romance she expects from you we'll start with this."
"Expects from me?"
"Yes."
"I thought she was supposed to take me for how I was and not expect anything else from me."
"Oh she does take you for who you are," Sirius replied. "Still, every woman expects a little spontaneity every now and then. That's what makes them frustrating."
Severus was pale.
"Don't worry about that for now. Just keep reading. In the meantime, it's time for me to get back to work."
Sirius disappeared, leaving Severus wondering how he was supposed to maintain a relationship if he was so inept at romance.