AN: Thank you for all the support! It is very deeply appreciated!
Sirius was going to have to get creative. Not only was he limited in the physical items he could use, but he was limited by Severus Snape being…well, Severus Snape.
Under normal circumstances he would advise a man trying to woo a woman to bring her a bouquet of flowers and a box of gourmet chocolates. Given that Severus couldn't leave Hermione's house, these were out of the question. That might be for the best. Knowing Severus his "flowers" would be some leftover potions ingredients and his "gourmet" chocolates would have been whatever he could confiscate from a student. He would be completely baffled as to why his partner did not appreciate his efforts, which would lead to him snapping and becoming snarky with her. Things would deteriorate from there.
Yes, it was for the best that Severus could not bring gifts.
Still, that left the question of how to make the evening special. A mortal and a spirit fusing was a cosmic event which deserved more fanfare than a discussion of potions followed by two entities clumsily bumping into each other.
"Would you stay in one place?" Severus turned the page of his book. "I can barely concentrate with you moving about the room."
"Oh I'm sorry," Sirius stopped and turned a dull red. "I'm only trying to help you make your first night with Hermione special. Coming up with the right plan only ensures me time off of Purgatory. Forgive me if I'm nervous."
"You're nervous?" Severus set the book on the couch cushion beside him. "I am the one planning on fusing with her. How do you think I feel?"
"Like you're about to win the lottery."
"Or like someone who is going to lose everything once he takes off his robe."
Sirius' glow returned to normal.
"I am going to expose myself for her," Severus' voice was softer.
"Are you sure you have to take off the robes?"
"Why would I not? She expects to see all of me. That will involve removing my robe."
"True."
"Once I do so she will see every one of my scars." He turned blue. "Then she will regret ever having spoken to me after my demise."
"I'm sure that won't be true," Sirius replied. "I'm sure she'll still love you, scars and all."
"What would you know about exposing your scars? You have few, if any."
"Have your scars been a problem for any other woman?" Sirius smacked his head. "Oh yeah, I forgot, you couldn't seduce a woman if your life depended upon it."
"Actually I managed to seduce a few women," Severus argued.
"How much did you pay them?"
Severus snarled.
"Okay, in all seriousness, did they run screaming from your scars?"
"I glamoured the scars so they were never an issue. Since I cannot use magic that is not an option for me though."
"Oh." Sirius twisted his lip. "I suppose I cannot blame you. Knowing how you must have been injured you must have had a lot of them. Yeah, I can't blame you for wanting to hide them."
If Severus could've sighed, he would have. "She is going to see every scar once I remove my robe."
"Your robe…"
"She will have an idea of where each and every one of them can from. There will be no way to hide who I was and am for her."
"Your robe…"
"She will regret ever loving me. I suppose I deserve her abandonment given how I behaved in life. I would be eternally grateful if she remained with me though."
"Your robe!" Sirius snapped his fingers.
"Have you been listening to a thing I've been saying?" Severus was neon red.
"I know how to make everything perfect!" Sirius replied.
"Unless you have scar remover, everything you say is inane chatter."
"I can't remove your scars, but I can help you give Hermione a memorable evening."
"How?"
"It's going to be hard to pull off, but with some planning I think, no I know, we can do it."
"Do what?" Severus barked.
"You're going to dance with her!"
Severus looked at him as if he'd just announced that he was going to turn him into a unicorn.
"Picture this." Sirius twirled around. "You cook a nice meal for Hermione…"
"She's supposed to learn how to cook, meaning she will be making the dinner."
"Okay," Sirius frowned. "This is Hermione's night. If you start barking orders at her you're going to ruin the mood."
"I don't bark orders at her. She is such a quick study there is no need to say much of anything to her."
"Fine, but you're trying to set yourself apart from every man she's ever met. Now you can't tell me Ron ever cooked a dinner for her."
"I would imagine he did not. From what I understand they lived off of leftovers from Molly's cooking."
"Great, so if you cook, you're pampering her, showing her you care. You're giving her a much needed break from the cares of her life."
Severus sat up straighter.
"Then when dinner is done, you hold out you hand as ask her to turn on a radio. She takes your hand, however she can, turns it on, and then you dance the night away."
"How is a spirit supposed to dance with a mortal?"
"That's for you to figure out."
"Why can't you figure it out? After all, you're supposed to be the Trinity's answer to Casanova."
"Because I can't touch anything, and I have more important things to worry about."
"Like what?"
"Like your clothes."
"What's wrong with my robe?" Severus glanced down at his outfit.
"Your robe is nice for your every day existence in heaven, but this needs evening needs to be special. You need a tuxedo."
"Do you think they have tuxedos in Purgatory?" Severus' expression was impassive.
"Only one way to find out," Sirius smirked. "St. Pete!"
Nobody came.
"Please St. Pete, we need you!"
Still nothing.
"Pretty please can you come, St. Pete?"
"Well, since you finally asked me so nicely."
The spirits turned to the saint.
"Great, I need to ask you a favor." Sirius folded his hands.
"Just one?" St. Pete drawled.
Severus smirked.
"Ha," Sirius replied. "Listen, we need to give Severus here a tuxedo."
The saint looked at him as if he'd just asked for a Pegasus.
"I think Severus would really benefit from a tuxedo."
"How?"
"We are trying to give Hermione a special night."
"How special?" The saint twisted his golden staff.
"One which will make her Yule Ball seem like a distant memory."
"What's a Yule Ball?"
"You don't want to know," Severus grumbled.
St. Pete turned to him. "Why not?"
"They were asinine wastes of time, I was forced to supervise on numerous occasions, more than I care to admit."
"I see."
"Back to the topic at hand," Sirius interjected. "I know the wardrobes here are limited, but there has to be something you can do."
"You must understand that this is an unorthodox request." St. Pete returned his attention to Sirius. "The most unusually dressed person is me, and that's only because somehow I became a pope and the Trinity believed I needed to look the part. If he wants something ornate I could loan Severus one of my robes."
"You pull off the Midieval Pope fabulously well, you really do," Sirius stepped closer to him. "But I don't think that outfit would be appropriate for this occasion."
St. Pete turned to Severus. "What are your thoughts on the matter?"
"I want a tuxedo."
"Do you feel it is as significant for your mission as Sirius seems to believe it is?"
"Honestly." Severus paused. "Yes."
"Exactly why do you need it so badly then?"
"Hermione could use a man in her life who wants to dress nicely for her. If a tuxedo will make her happy, then I am willing to wear one" Severus answered.
"Are you certain a tuxedo is going to make her happy?"
"I think it is a step in the right direction."
"Which direction are you going in exactly?"
"The direction where Hermione is happy!" Sirius interjected.
St. Pete looked at Sirius.
"I know this is difficult to explain to someone who was celibate…"
"Actually I had a wife."
Sirius' mouth hung open.
"Did you really think a lowly fisherman couldn't get a wife?" St. Pete grinned.
"No, of course not," Sirius stuttered. "I just never thought of you as in love."
"In your defense, there's a reason I spend my time on the outskirts of heaven at the gate instead of looking for her."
"I am uh, sorry things aren't so pleasant?" Sirius squirmed.
"Don't be. I've made peace with it, but being married is an often overlooked fact about me," St. Pete shrugged. "Now, what was I not supposed to be able to understand?"
"A woman wants to feel special every now and then. Severus wants to do that for Hermione. Surely you can understand that."
"I can," St. Pete hummed.
"Does this mean I can procure a tuxedo?"
"I can give you one within the hour."
"Oh thank you," Sirius grinned.
"Indeed," Severus gave him a small smile. "I am truly appreciative."
"Just make sure you use the tuxedo wisely." St. Pete replied. "And that you return it as soon as you're done. One never knows when they'll need it."
"Amen," Severus replied.
St. Pete disappeared.
"Great." Sirius clasped his hands together. "Now all we need to do is help you create a poem for your lady love."
"A poem?" Severus' glow dimmed.
"Yes," Sirius replied as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. "You cannot bring her flowers or chocolate, so we'll have to settle for a poem."
"I'm shite at poetry."
"Trust me, I know."
"How?"
"Every other word out of your mouth is 'dunderhead' and you enjoy dry Aristotle. From those facts alone I know you're shite at poetry."
Severus slumped into the couch.
"Fortunately for you, I'm amazing at poetry!"
"Who told you that, Pettigrew?"
"As a matter of fact, yes."
"He's hardly knowledgeable of good literature, much less poetry," Severus snickered.
"Oh laugh now, but you'll see in a few nights. When we're done with Hermione she won't remember the name of any other man who's romanced her."
"I hope so anyway." Severus turned white.
"I know so. Even you aren't so incompetent that you could turn a woman who loves you unconditionally away."
"Do you believe she loves me unconditionally?"
"I do."
Severus' glow was pink.
Sirius tapped his foot. "Now I need to ask St. Pete for quill and parchment, but I'm sure we can think of something."
Severus' eyes were dreamy, as if meditating on the idea of obtaining the unconditional love he had always sought.
Sirius smiled. Whatever happened, Severus and Hermione loved each other. That alone would overcome any missteps they make in their quest for a perfect evening.
Does he expect me to be naked when we fuse?
Hermione stared at herself in a full length mirror. She had stripped in preparation for bed, but could not bring herself to put on her pajamas.
She ran a finger along the diagonal scar on her chest running from her clavicle to her stomach. A few patches of scars dotted her abdomen, and she knew there were a few on her back. The most disturbing one was on her arm.
Mudblood.
She'd always glamoured it, even when going to bed. It was too hideous to behold, yet could she hide it from him if they were to fuse into one?
The daydream where Severus saw the scar replayed in her mind. His look of disgust was etched into her brain. Even if it wasn't true, there were some undeniable facts it exposed.
Hermione wasn't an angel, nor would she ever be. He accepted that for now, but when he was confronted with who she was, would he stay?
Tears welled in her eyes. She wanted nothing more than for him to fuse with her and remain with her for eternity, in whatever form they took. If he rejected the their fusion, if he turned his back on her…
She took a shaky breath and walked away from the mirror. If he couldn't accept her then he was not a man worth loving. It was best to find out now instead of pinning all her hopes onto him.
She just prayed it didn't kill her to watch Severus reject her.