In Which Justina Begs for a Favor and Gets in a Fight

Justina waited almost 17 hours, before she asked Skipper for a favor. She waited until after all the food had been sorted and stored. She waited until Xanaria had told Skipper her whole adventure, complete with dramatic hand gestures and demonstrations that involved climbing vines and then jumping off of them. She waited until after they'd had a good night's sleep. She was planning on waiting a while longer, but Skipper found her in a free moment and it all came out.

"What's wrong?" They asked as she was heating up a can of chili on the electric range.

"What do you mean?" Justina glanced over at where Xanaria was doing laundry.

"You've had something weighing on you since you got back. What's wrong?"

Justina hesitated but then decided to just jump right into it. "There was a woman in that world who knew things about the future. She told me that Tom-Thomas was out here somewhere. And I was hoping, since you can navigate, maybe you could find him? If you feel well enough."
Skipper cocked their head looking confused. "How would I do that? I mean, yes sometimes travelers leave traces, but I wouldn't know what to follow. I've never met your husband. And even if I had, it would take a lot of luck to pick up on his, what's that metaphor? His, ah, breadcrumbs."

"But could you try? Please?"

"I don't know anything about him. How could I distinguish his trail from any of the others coming off your metaverse for the last 15,000 years?"

"I could tell you about him."

Skipper smoothed down their ears looking confused. "How would that help?"

"You said you didn't know him, so you couldn't look."

"Yeah, but I still wouldn't know him, just what you saw of him."

"Please, Skipper. I need to find him. Please, can you try?"

Their ears drooped way down. "You want me too… try and follow all of the trails?"

"Maybe just the recent ones?"

"I don't remember how to tell the difference."

"Please."

Skipper sighed, "I guess I can try, but it's like finding a dragonfly in a blizzard. I don't really know what I'm doing, and it will be exhausting."

"Thank you!" She reached out impulsively and clasped one of Skippers paws. "That's all I ask is that you try. Thank you."

They wrapped one of their tails around her wrist in an affectionate manner. "I know how important this is to you. And who knows! Maybe I'll learn a trick or two. Or remember one!"

Just like that their good mood was back. They swung and scampered away up into the vines.

"What was that about?" Xanaria asked, having wandered over.

"I asked them to help me find Thomas. I know he's out here somewhere, Cassi told me. Her charm is prophetic."

"Is that possible?"

"Maybe."

"Is that safe?"

"Probably."

"Justina I know you feel guilty, and I know you feel responsible, but what happened to Thomas was a situation he put himself in, not one you put him in."

"You don't know that."

"I do know that. You are not responsible for the people he got involved with. You weren't even there."

"Exactly, I wasn't there. I… I should have been. Maybe he wouldn't have gotten hurt if he'd had someone there to watch his back."

"How do you know he didn't?"

"I could have helped."

"How?"

"I don't know, but I could have tried! I could have done something, instead of just pretending that I was fine and waiting for him to take some initiative. I spent our whole marriage waiting for him. Well, I guess he finally did something and I- I don't think he would have if I hadn't always been telling him to do something, anything, and when he finally does I'm not even there to try and catch him! I didn't even see him fall!" Justina realized she had started crying but there was nothing she could do about it. "Yes. Of course I feel guilty. But I don't want to run anymore. I have to do something, I have to try!"

"So try! But stop putting other people in danger when you do!"

"I'm not putting anyone in danger! Skipper said they would try. That is not exactly an oath to succeed or die in the attempt!"

"You got that sweet librarian killed."

"How does your logic even work there? I can't be responsible for the man I very well may have pushed into a dangerous situation, but google one random word on your request and creepy murderous bad guys showing up out of the blue is completely my fault!"

"You keep running at this no matter how many people get hurt!"

"You're not being hurt, you're barely being inconvenienced!"

"I've been shot at, multiple times, just since I met you!"

"Oh, you loved that! You could have left at any moment but you stuck around. You don't even have to deal with the healing part, you just leave when you're done."

"Well, that's something we have in common, at least! You left, and now you're trying to pretend you never did! You're overcompensating and it's reckless! Maybe, just maybe, you could have worked a little bit harder in the first place. You'll never know! You can't change the past by throwing away your future. And for what? Just to prove to yourself that you ever loved him?!"

"How dare you! Of course I love my husband!"

"You don't leave someone you love! Not if you have the choice!"

"Love isn't always enough! Not when it gets all mixed up in bills and dirty laundry, broken dreams and endless deepening silence!"

"So you try harder. Sleeping Goddess, you've got to try! You could have at least tried!"

"I did try! It's none of your business, but I tried. For years, I tried! Even when I left it was the only thing left that I could try!

"That's bullshit!"

"What is your problem?"

"You gave up! You threw your husband in the ocean and now you're trying to fight the tide! You aren't even planning to forgive him! Sleeping Goddess, you were allowed to be in love! You got to marry someone you cared about, and you just gave up!"

"Marriage is a lot more than a wedding!"

"No shit! That's the point! That's supposed to be the point!"

"Oh, don't act like you know anything about marriage! You've never been married!"

"Of course I haven't! She could have been killed if we did anything so obvious!"

Justina opened her mouth but managed to choke back her response before she even knew what it was going to be. After all the shouting, the silence between them almost rang. Xanaria was crying too now, tears streaming steadily from her cervidian eyes. They stood like that for a moment, still braced, both disarmed.

In a quiet voice Justina said, "I'm sorry."

Xanaria just shook her head and walked away.

As soon as Xanaria knew Justina couldn't see her anymore, she broke into a run. She couldn't believe she had said that, any of that. She hadn't even realized how much she resented everything Justina had thrown away. She knew she wasn't being fair, but Sleeping Goddess drown it all, it wasn't fair. She ran back to her sleeping space and burrowed under the blankets. It wasn't fair, none of it. For the second time since she had found herself in this impossible place, Xanaria cried herself to sleep.

Justina stared after Xanaria, shocked. She couldn't think of anything to say. She kept looking at the place where Xanaria had disappeared until she smelled burning. She yanked her chili from the heat. She ate it all, an entire can of Chili. She didn't notice how it tasted, which was probably a good thing, but it made her uncomfortably full.

Once she finished cleaning up she started walking toward the marker for Xanaria's space but about halfway there she stopped and changed her mind. Instead she swung wide from it, heading back to her own room. She lay down on her bed feeling angry, sad, hurt, guilty, defensive, and a little nauseous. She stared up at the vines for a long time. She had yelled things she hadn't even realized were true until she was saying them. She wanted to apologize, but every time she was about to get up and go do it she felt the hurt and resentment rise up in her chest. She knew if she wasn't ready then there was no way Xanaria was ready. Eventually she drifted off. She dreamed a now familiar dream of the woman with the rabbit's ears but this time the laughter faded into sobs and there was blood splashed across a wedding gown.

When Xanaria woke, she knew she had to apologize. She didn't know how to go about it, but she knew she needed to figure it out. She felt her bond with Justina deeply. Xanaria knew she would go with Justina to the depths of the sea if need be. Just because Xanaria would never be able to save her own true love didn't mean she should let her frustration and helplessness take that same opportunity away from her friend. Her best friend. Her best friend in all of time and space. She could help. That at least she could do, because she did know that Justina loved Thomas. She had felt it beating in her own heart back when they had shared a mind. Yes, Justina needed someone to keep her from doing something mind-numbingly dangerous while chasing some scrap of an idea or wild goose, but that didn't mean she needed someone to take away her hope. You can't stop a cart skidding on ice by locking up the wheels, that would just break your cart. What you need is a guiding hand to get you back on decent traction without taking out the horse's hind legs.

It will be good, she decided. It will be good to have a real quest. But how can I possibly take back what I said?

Justina was making breakfast, when she heard Xanaria clear her throat behind her. She turned, unsure what to expect. She waited for Xanaria to say what she had come to say.

"Um... I'm sorry." Xanaria began twisting her hands together. "I didn't mean to imply your obsession wasn't worth it. I know you have to try to save your ex-husband. I know you love him. I just got worked up because… I think I was jealous and I hadn't realized that I was feeling that way and, um… I was a little scared too. I know it's important, that he's important, and I'm sorry."

"Obsession?"

"Ummm. Sorry. No. Not obsession- I didn't mean- um-"

"It's okay. I'm sorry, too. I should have talked to you about it first. Instead of just asking Skipper to take me where I needed to go."

Xanaria nodded, and turned to leave. Justina could feel a familiar silence spreading between them, but she didn't know what to do about it. Her heart shriveled inside her chest and squeezed. She was afraid to say anything, because she might make things worse. And she was afraid to not say anything because she knew all too well how resentment could grow in silence. This was the way she had felt when she began to realize things were going bad between her and Tom. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. And then it was too late. Xanaria had already left.

Xanaria rested her head in her hands. That could have gone better. She didn't have words for this feeling. It was like everything seemed to be fine, but their words still echoed between them whenever they approached each other. Like they were saying them again and again and there was nothing they could do about it. She shook her head. We'll figure something out. I know Justina better than anyone. We will figure this out.

Determined to think about something else, Xanaria looked around and then down. She noticed that she was sitting on a chest with a complicated metal lock. Curious she looked around for a key but then she realized, I don't need a key.

It was a matter of moments for her to pop the lock. The chest held old books each labeled with a number in precise handwriting. Curious, she picked one up, noting absently that the number on it's cover was 4, and opened it at random.

Fluffy realized (when I made them actually try) that they could go to specific worlds! I'm so glad I got them to try, just this little bit of control over themselves and their strange ship has made them so happy! Also, it means that maybe someday I can go home. Not soon. Maybe not ever. Now that I know I can, it feels much less important somehow.

She flipped a little farther on in the book.

Something's wrong with Fluffy. We stopped by another world today. It's odd how quickly visiting a planet makes me think in days again. It was a beautiful world, Fluffy specifically chose it and asked me to tell them all about it when I get back. But I'm having trouble relaxing here. Fluffy looks exhausted, and yet they have continuously assured me that they don't need sleep. I think they brought me here in case they die. They want me to be in a beautiful place if they can't come back for me.

Skipping a few more pages she read:

Fluffy is fine. Fluffy is a toddler being told they have to take naps now, but Fluffy is fine. That freak out about hallucinations? Yeah, I inquired deeper and they were dreams. Fluffy fell asleep after running themselves ragged and got freaked out by the concept of dreams. These last few months have been a wild ride, so I'm glad it's all sorted out now and that Fluffy will calm down soon. In other news I have a bed now. I stole it from a dusty room in a castle so I don't think it will be missed but the oddest thing…

Xanaria closed the book and rubbed her eyes. Reading wasn't something she had ever been able to do. Neither was picking locks. Those were skills Justina and Elizabeth had, not her own. She felt a smile twitching at the corner of her mouth. She was pretty sure the book was talking about Skipper and that she had found the journals of a previous passenger. It made her feel a little more hopeful. Maybe Skipper could track down Thomas for Justina. Maybe once he had been found this weird reluctant silence between them would go away.