In Which Xanaria Tells of Loss

My world was a beautiful place for over a year, but the summer I turned 20… Well, it was a market day and as usual Lupe and I were helping our fathers sell their produce. The two of us had gotten into a bit of a competition about who could gather more people around to look at our stalls. Lupe was winning, but only because she was cheating. She was juggling cherries.

The crowd was loud and enthusiastic. At first no one heard the approaching nobility. Baron Grayson hadn't ridden out much since his wife's death when I was still a child, and when he did he would go to the forest, not through town. So none of us were keeping an eye out like we should have been.

I don't know how long he had been watching from up on his mottled mare. I was staring at Lupe- who had just added a seventh cherry to those she had in the air- and enthralled as the rest of the audience, so the blast of the Baron's hunting horn took me entirely by surprise. People scrambled out of his way. He wasn't a bad ruler, mostly indifferent, but when a noble wants you to move, you move. Especially when he's flanked by two bored knights.

Lupe caught the cherries in her mouth one by one, without blinking at the interruption. It was an unnecessary flourish, but I wouldn't have expected anything less from her. The crowd had scattered but Baron Grayson clapped politely and dismounted, handing his horse off to one of the knights. He drew Lupe's father aside.

They were too far away for me to hear anything, but Charley's open face was an animated mix of fear, pride, and confusion. The Baron's face was calm and unreadable. Lupe looked like she was sinking deeper and deeper into shock. Before Baron Grayson left he went to her and took one of her hands. He spoke a few quiet words to her. Lupe didn't answer and he sighed and shook his head before reclaiming his horse and riding off. One of the knights stayed behind, looking vaguely irritated as he dismounted, tied up his horse, and took up a guard position behind their market stall.

As soon as the Baron was leaving I pulled free of my fathers loosening grip and ran to Lupe. I pulled her into a hug. She didn't hug me back but she leaned against me, panting silently.

I couldn't find any words, I just held her. After a while she began to breathe normally. Finally, she returned the hug, clinging so tight my ribs hurt.

She whispered in a broken voice, "The Baron has decided to marry me."

That night I stayed at her house. I think she would have cried herself to sleep, but rabbit's eyes don't have tear ducts. The occasional dry coughing sob was easily ignored, as she preferred.

"We could run away." I offered. She looked pointedly out the window where we could see the Baron's guards patrolling the area around the house.

"While they mostly seem to be warning people away, I have no doubt they would stop me if I tried to leave."

I wanted to argue with that. I couldn't.

"Well, if we could run. Where would you want to go?"

We spun castles in the air for a while until she began to unwind. I rubbed her shoulders hoping to ease the tension still knotted up there. After a while she finally began to talk about what had happened at the market.

"He wanted to know about my rabbit. My eyes and ears, of course, he could see but he asked if I had any more traits and Dad told him. He admitted I had a tail too. You know how I've tried to hide that. I would much prefer to be seen as a mid rabbit than a major one. I didn't want this! Why is Dad so damn honest? And of course he wanted… Well, you know about his wife."

I did, everyone had been happily married for 10 years but had never had an heir. They had loved each other deeply and the rumor was that her death last fall had been from a miscarrage. It had crushed him. The Baron, I'd guess, wanted an heir and he didn't want a wife he loved because he didn't want to get hurt again. Unfortunately for Lupe, the stereotype for bunnies, especially major bunnies, is that they are very fertile.

"And he asked my father if I was a virgin! I was standing right there! I guess he can't be marrying a soiled peasant even if she is 'kind of pretty.'"

"He said that!" I was horrified. The man must be half blind. She was gorgeous, and perfect, and she was mine. Not his. Never his.

She nodded bitterly. "He put this ring on me before he left."

She held her left hand away from her as if she'd touched something she wanted to wash off. The ring was chunky gold, and much too large for her.

Her voice dropped low, "I think he left that knight to guard the ring, more than to protect me."

When she fell asleep at last I slipped back down stairs. I found her mother there with what must be every dress in the house draped about the kitchen. She was staring at them blankly, fingers twisting in her skirt.

"Mrs. Tiller?" I asked, "Are you okay?"

She glanced at me, and then out the window, looking for the knights she knew were out there somewhere.

"Of course." She said, "This is a great honor. I just..." She shook her head and gestured at the dresses. "Nothing I can sew will be good enough. Lupe will need to make an appearance at Baron Grayson's court in a week, and she needs to look good, but even the best work I can do will be nothing up there. Her clothes will be thrown out and replaced. And yet I can't let my daughter go to her groom in her dusty everyday clothes. I'll never be able to do enough but..." Her voice trailed off, lost and small.

I looped my arm through hers. "I'll help you." I told her. "We will do what we can, but we won't break ourselves on this, okay? She needs us to be strong, and she needs to know that you are doing this for her, not for the Baron. We'll make something she will like, not an imitation of some fancy lady."

Mrs. Tiller smiled at me tiredly and squeezed my arm, "We are so lucky she has a friend like you."

We picked one of her old dresses. One she hadn't worn since she'd had Lupe but that she'd saved with love. It was a beautiful blue gray linen and only a little worn at the edges. We sketched ideas and cut cloth. I slept in front of their fire that night. In the morning we did some fitting on Lupe. She actually smiled, seeing that there was more of her than of a bride in what we were planning.

We worked on it every hour we could spare for the rest of the week. The skirt and sleeves were lengthened with a nice green homespun linen, the waist and shoulders brought in at the seams. I used strips of leftover pale leather the same tan as her ears to cover the joins on her sleeves where we had attached the new cloth. They had a practical use too. If she tucked the green cuffs into her sleeves the leather strap would hold them out of the way leaving her forearms bare so she could wear her arm guard and fire her bow with ease. Not that she would ever be able to try that, but she would know she could.

Mrs. Tiller ran a decorative stitch along the seam between blue and green on her skirt that hinted at flowers and leaves without having the time to fully embroider them. Around her waist I made a sash from a length of that same lovely green linen. It gathered the cloth at her waist and acknowledged the popular silhouette we would see on traveling noble ladies, but without restricting her breathing. As a hopelessly sentimental touch I sewed little pale leather hearts to the ends of the sash, remembering the bark and leaves in the river.

Mrs. Tiller produced a length of simple elegant lace from somewhere and used it to edge the collar. When I realized she had probably been saving it for Lupe's wedding veil my heart clenched and I had to go outside for a while.

We finished the day before the Baron came and took her away to his keep. He didn't look twice at her, but I saw her rubbing a thumb over a soft leather heart on her sash and I knew all our work had been worth it.

I was not invited to the wedding. Lupe's parents were barely invited to the wedding. I was turned away repeatedly from visiting her. I decided I would have to sneak in somehow. I almost got caught three different ways when I tried to sneak up to the keep in the middle of the night. It became clear that I would not be getting in that way, much less out again. I chopped a lot of wood as I thought the problem through.

The closer her wedding got the more desperate I became. The day before, after a string of failures, I saw some women carrying large bundles of flowers up to the castle. Without a plan I grabbed an armful and hid in the middle of the group. I listened to them gossiping about what they thought the bride's dress would look like, as I told myself not to cry.

I tried to slip away several times and each time was thwarted by some guard or knight just hanging around keeping an eye on things. I worked with them all that long day. As twilight came and the women prepared to leave I finally had a moment of luck. One of the knights was flirting with a florist maybe half again his age, who seemed amused but willing. I tucked myself behind some boxes in a storage closet just off the ballroom where the ceremony would happen. I thought I could sneak out and go find Lupe once everyone was gone, but it seemed that there was always something happening right outside the door. After long hours without an opportunity to move, despite my discomfort, I fell asleep.

I woke to the sound of music; An organ, playing a wedding march.

I came to my feet horrified, ignoring the stinging burning pain in my legs. Outside, in the ballroom, someone was speaking in an official practiced monotone. I panicked and burst out of the closet. Lupe stood at the front of the room, pale and looking at the floor. She wore a dress with enough frills on it to make two more dresses. Across from her stood the Baron. His expression blank, he stood tall and proper. Waiting to be done. I didn't know where they were in the ceremony and I didn't care.

"I object!" I shouted. "No one should be forced into marriage, please you can't do this."

The Baron's eyes narrowed and he nodded at the guards without speaking. They advanced on me but I didn't run. I stood there trembling and all I could see was the complicated twist of Lupe's face.

"You can't do this!" I clenched my fists until the tendons creaked, "Let her go!"

He ignored me. "Please continue." He told the priest.

"Um…"

"Continue, Chris."

"But if the bride is unwilling…"

"She is not. She is honored. This is an honor."

"You can't do this!" I screamed again, despite all the evidence. I dodged the guards as they tried to grab me. But I was too slow and one of them caught my elbow. I bit him hard. He cursed, dropping my arm. The second drew his sword.

"No!" Lupe screamed.

I took a step back but I couldn't breathe and I felt like I was moving through molasses. The world narrowed down to that shining bit of metal as it arced toward me.

And then Lupe was there. She was between me and the sword. There was a nasty sound as metal hit flesh. I didn't scream. I couldn't. Lupe fell against me and I caught her sinking down to the floor. Her face was sliced open, one of her eyes was swelling closed and her ear had been cut short. The blood soaked into her frilly white wedding dress. I held her as tightly as I could.

She said something, snapping me out of my horrified trance.

"I'm here." I whimpered. "I'm here."

Her visible eye was intense and bright. "Run." She repeated. "If you ever loved me then run."

She pushed at my arms weekly. Her eye slid closed and she went limp, barely breathing. I ran. I felt numb, my mind blank except for her words repeating over and over. I kept running. I heard the sound of metal on stone behind me. Cursing, shouts, none of it meant anything, and I ran. I stumbled when an arrow punched through my shoulder and another slammed into the wall where my head was a moment before. I don't remember leaving the keep, or the town, but found myself in the forest. I didn't stop running, even after the sounds of pursuit were gone. I could barely see anything. Just that last moment playing over and over again in my mind

If you ever loved me then run.

I kept running.

...then run.

It was, perhaps inevitable that I tripped. No one should run full tilt and half blind through old forest, even if they grew up in one. When my foot hit an exposed root I fell, twisting sideways as I flailed. My back slammed up against a big old tree, pushing the arrow the last few inches through my shoulder. The world went white, and then squeezed down into darkness.

I came too, all at once. Everything hurt, especially my shoulder. My heart was pounding but I couldn't move. All I could hear was the soft sound of raindrops in the trees, the louder plops of water dripping down the needles, and the slight scuffling of a wild animal moving in the undergrowth. No pursuit. I was damp but I felt too warm. I stared at the trees that seem to be growing sideways and wavering in a heat haze.

I closed my eyes. I coughed. The arrow in my shoulder wobbled and with a hiss of pain I found I could move again. I sat up carefully, blinking at the arrow. I reached up with a hand I did not feel connected to and tugged it free. The pain was horrible. I choked on a scream, my vision going red around the edges and I hoped I would pass out again. I gasped, short shallow breaths, afraid to move. Eventually the pain either eased or I got used to it. I was able to stand although the world didn't stop wobbling. I started walking. I didn't know where I was going, I didn't know where I was. The forest was unfamiliar. All I knew was that I couldn't stop.

If you ever loved me…

I tried to break into a run but I stumbled and fell. I crawled back to my feet and I kept moving. The following days I don't remember well. I was fuzzy with fever and I sometimes ran from pursuers who may or may not have really been there. Somehow, I survived and I kept running. I don't know how long I was like that but I traveled a huge distance in that time. Eventually, I stumbled out onto a beach and there was no further I could run. I stood there staring at the waves and I swear I saw the Sleeping Goddess there. She rolled over, eyes closed with seaweed hair tangled around her face, and one arm pointed before she sank. I was too delirious to question it so I went the way she pointed and I found a cave, a stream, and a patch of miner's lettuce. I ate, I slept dry, and when I woke when my fever had broken.

I hurt. I could smell the sea. All the wild forests near the sea belongs only to the King and the Sleeping Goddess. The Baron is allowed to hunt there, and people make their pilgrimages, but still it felt safe. I stayed there while I healed. I never came to terms with what happened, part of me is still convinced Lupe survived somehow, but I learned to keep going anyway. I may have sworn vengeance once or twice. I visited the sea and I thanked Her but I couldn't quite bring myself to pray while I was there. Her dreams can be unpredictable.

For a very long time all I could handle was one hour at a time. Then one day at a time. Eventually I began to think about the future. As summer faded to fall I knew I would need to do something- or go somewhere else- when winter came. Then I heard the hunting horns.

They were probably hunting deer. If I had just hidden in the cave until they were gone, I probably would have been safe. But I panicked. If a criminal is found on holy land they get given straight to the Goddess's mercy, unless under the protection of one of Her priestesses. I didn't want to drown. I fled into the forest. The horns kept getting louder. When I heard them roar, I knew they had spotted me. I heard the Baron's voice shouting orders. I saw a break in the trees that opened up onto the beach. I lunged for it. I didn't dare look back. But when I passed through the gap my feet sank in thick soft moss, not cold sea rounded pebbles. I smacked right into a bush and lay on the ground, dazed and resigned, waiting for the hunters to reach me. Waiting to die. I closed my eyes and curled into a ball. Skipper found me instead. They just dragged a blanket over me. Warm and safe at last, I cried myself to sleep.