Sunday

Sunday night Annie sent Teddy a text to see how her weekend at the conference had been and if she had done any more exploring in Vancouver or on campus.

Annie had spent her weekend the way she usually did, driving to the dance studio Saturday morning, teaching 8 hours of baby ballet and beginner classes then going back to her parents to do laundry and see some friends. It was also a typical weekend in the her sister Jessica had not stopped making Annie feel worthless. This weekend Jess had been saying terrible things about the fact that Annie was the only adopted child in the house and that Teddy had thrown Annie away. Annie was struggling to connect her sisters comments with the way Teddy had treated her. Annie knew she had made things awkward for her friends and Teddy the other night when she panicked and went into turtle mode.

Turtle mode was Annie's strategy when she was nervous or unsure how the situation would play out. Instead of jumping in and being loud she sat back, watched and listened trying to figure out how she fit. It was at times like this that Annie missed Chris. He was always the only one who could make Jessica back off and calm down when she was tormenting Annie. Chris was the one that encouraged Annie to be herself and pushed his sister to use her voice. Jessica was a person who needed control of a situation and to bully others to make herself feel good. Tormenting Annie and making Annie feel worthless was Jessica's favourite hobby. To Jessica, Annie was inferior because she was adopted, a second choice for their parents and some one who had been thrown away by her own mother. Annie had been told this almost daily by her sister for years, with Jessica typically calling her "little orphan Annie" and singing "it's a hard knock life" while following Annie around the house. She spread rumours about Annie and purposely damaged Annie's things. Often when Annie didn't give Jessica what she wanted Jessica hit Annie.

Annie's parents had tried for years to help both of their girls, Annie saw a counselor every other week and for years had been part of a support group for adopted kids in their community, meeting her friend and roommate Kasey there when the girls were 10. Her parents spent years trying to show Annie how well she fit with the whole family and how much she was wanted but the girl struggled to believe them. The only person Annie thought truly understood her was her brother, but. He was on an army base in New Brunswick, the other side of the country and, thousands of kilometers and 4 time zones different. Leslie and Dan were hoping that making a connection with Teddy would help Annie to see just how much she was loved and that everything that had happened in the last 19 years were choices made out of love for her.

Leslie had talked to Teddy the day before while Annie was at the studio. Explaining the ongoing tormenting from her younger sister and how much Annie had relied on Chris to stand up for her. Teddy's heart broke for Annie when she heard how much Jessica was torturing Annie and tearing her apart. She also wanted to send 15 year old Jessica to the psych department for a full evaluation after hearing Leslie's description of her younger daughters behaviour and refusal to see her role in the conflict with Annie. Teddy hoped that one day she could be the safe person for Annie to finally open up. She understood what had happened on Thursday, Annie was uncertain how people would respond so she played turtle and observed. Annie hadn't been upset with Teddy, she hadn't over stepped, Annie watched first then decided to respond. Leslie had also told Teddy how happy Annie had been on Friday morning when she called and told her mom about the day before. Teddy knew now that it would take time to gain Annie's trust.

Seeing Annie's message Teddy texted her back saying that she had a quiet afternoon and was in her room reading some journal articles and wouldn't mind company.

Annie texted back, "I just got out of the shower and into jammies. I have some calculus home work to finish up. I could change and run across the court yard. Most of my friends have boyfriends over right now."

Teddy replied, "make sure your still comfortable and bring your homework. We can both work on our stuff together. I remember roommates all having boyfriends around and being single I hated it. I'm just in sweats and an old t-shirt don't worry about dressing up." Teddy was hoping the a comfortable casual night was what Annie needed to open up. She pulled her hair into a messy bun and threw her Seattle Grace Mercy West hoodie over her old faded ARMY t-shirt. She cleared space on the table for Annie to do home work.

Annie read the reply and send her own, "be at the lobby doors in 5."

Annie changed into a pair of yoga pants and her UBC hoodie over a bright blue t-shirt, leaving her hair in the french braids she had just finished and choosing to leave her glasses on instead of changing back to her contacts. She grabbed her calculus textbook and notebook off her desk along with her pencil case. At the door she slipped her feet into her toms and quietly left. She texted her mom to let her know that she was going to go sit with Teddy and keep her company while they both did home work. Annie thought Teddy was lonely.

Teddy met Annie at the door and let her inside greeting her with a hug. After a little bit of small talk they settled in to quietly work on their tasks. Annie smiled noticing the glass of water that had been placed in her space, she didn't even have to ask for it.

Teddy watched Annie work and smiled to her self, Annie was making the same face she did when she was completely focused on a task. Teddy knew she wasn't truly reading the articles, more skimming them. It was okay though she could quiz Christina who would fill in the gaps.

Annie broke the silence, "Teddy, did you ever miss me?"

Surprised Teddy put her reading down," every day Annie. I always wondered where you were and how you were doing. Even in the middle of a war zone you were my last thought when I went to bed and my first thought when I woke up."

"Then why did you give me up," asked Annie.

Teddy paused and took a sip of her water, she hadn't been prepared for this question so soon, "honestly I wasn't ready to be the mom you needed and that I wanted you to have. I was on my own and hundreds of miles from my family. I didn't know how to make it work. The only thing I knew right away was that you had to live. Termination never crossed my mind. You were my baby from the day I got the test results."

"Where was my dad," asked Annie, " wouldn't he have helped so you could still be a doctor?"

"Your father was less prepared then I was," Teddy replied, "he only saw one option, the one I could never consider. So he left. It took me months to make up my mind. I didn't decide on adoption until 5 weeks before you were born and you came 2 weeks late. It wasn't until after I had met with your parents that I knew it was the right choice for my baby."

Annie questions, "did you ever consider keeping me?"

"Most of my pregnancy I seriously considered it. I had a few things to figure out like day care and how to pay for school but that wouldn't have been fair to you. You needed two parents and a mom who was focused on you not juggling a baby and med school. I couldn't have given you what you needed on my own," Teddy said.

"So you wanted me all along," Annie asked surprised.

Teddy took her hand across the table, "more than anything I wanted you to be happy and loved. I did what I thought was best for you at the time."

"Then why didn't you tell anyone about me," asked Annie.

"I did at first but over time I learned to keep my hurt in. Owen saw your picture in my journal. It's one of my favourites. You had won a big award for dance and were posed in a red tutu with a trophy almost as tall as you are. I talked about you a lot through medical school and my back up was OB or family medicine if I didn't get surgery. I wanted to help girls like myself or even younger," Teddy said.

"If you wanted to see me why didn't you ask," Annie inquired.

Teddy responded, "legally I had to wait until you were 19 and contacted me first. That was the adoption agreement with your parents. If it hadn't been part of the legal document I would have called you and been part of your life. Part of me wanted to be your cool aunt, when I knew I couldn't keep you," Teddy said.

"Why didn't you ask my mom and dad," Annie pressed.

"I was scared," Teddy said, "that if I pushed it I would never see you. So I waited and prayed that when you were old enough and ready you would come to me."

Annie kept questioning, "why did you pick my mom and dad?"

Teddy smiled, "it was their letter in the file the adoption people had. They were so open and genuine, they were the only couple that wrote about their journey towards deciding to adopt and what it would mean not just to the two of them but to the extended family for you to be theirs. They included not just to posed formal photos but ones of them skiing and hiking, two massive sled dogs. The reference letters from the church and school principals were good, but there was a letter from a past student of your dad's that talked about how your dad took care of this young man when he had no one, your dad fed him and helped him find a job and a place to live."

"Uncle Curtis wrote to you," Annie asked, "he taught me to waterski and wakesurf. He's a youth pastor now."

"His letter was included, his stood out the most, he had heard two of the teachers talking about it in the halls and asked how he could help. So one of the teachers helped him write and get the letter to the agency," Teddy said, '' I chose your family not just for the parents but for the wealth of people who supported them. I was the only child of only children. I never knew the love of aunts and uncles, I never had cousins. I wanted that for you."

"What would have happened if you had made the other choice," Annie asked.

"It's been years since I've played the what if game," Teddy replied, "but this time I will and only this once. You would have spent a lot of time in daycare or with a babysitter when I was in school. By the time you were 8 you would have moved houses 5 times and cities 3 times. You would have been dragged across the country as I moved from school to residency to fellowships. Part of your training a doctor has you moving a lot to where the jobs are and where you are needed. I couldn't have been a good mom to you. It wouldn't have been fair to either of us."

Annie asked, "did you choose being a doctor over me?"

This caught Teddy off guard, "no. If I had kept you I still would have finished med school. But probably would have chosen a different speciality. I have felt so much guilt over my choice. I've had to learn to live with that. It's one reason I've never married, I'm afraid to tell men about my choice to give you up."

"I'm going to guess I was a mistake," said Annie.

"Yes, you were unplanned. Not a mistake the universe doesn't always make sense but babies are never mistakes," Teddy said, "you actually shaped a lot of what I've done. One of the reasons I went to Iraq was to make the world a safer place for you. I wanted to be someone that one day you would be proud to say was one of your parents."

Annie sat quietly looking at the abandoned notebook in front of her. She reached out and took Teddy's hand again, "I still don't understand the whole story but I want to. Can you answer two questions?"

"Of course I can answer two questions. I'd answer 100 if it helped you to understand and to trust me," Teddy said.

"Did you ever think of killing me so I couldn't be born," Annie whispered.

"Never! Annabeth McKellar, I would never kill my own baby. I knew I loved you and wanted the best for you the moment I found out you were growing in me. Termination was never, ever a thought. I would go through everything again for you, even 20 hours of labour. I had 10 minutes with you to say good bye when you were first born, we spent them cuddling and I told you then and it's still true now that I have always loved you and always will. Nothing you do will ever change my love for you. I put you in your mom's arms myself. Your middle name Grace is the same as mine, it's what I would have named you had I kept you," Teddy said in a soft whisper, visualizing the day 19 years earlier that she placed her daughter Grace in Leslie's arms. She remembered getting the letter a couple months later with a copy of Annie's christening photo and the name 'Annabeth Grace McKellar'.

"Really? We have the same middle name. But, Jessica says you threw me away and that mom and dad took me out of pity. Is that true," Annie whispered quieter than before.

Teddy put her finger under Annie's chin and brought her head up to meet her gaze, "Annie, you were a gift for both me and your parents. There was no pity, no getting rid of. We all wanted you. Since the day you were born you've had your mom and dad beside you and all of my hopes and dreams for you."

"But Jessie says," Annie started.

Teddy cut her off, "I talked to your mom today. I was worried I upset you the other night when we had cupcakes with your friends. Your mom explained about you playing turtle and trying to fade into the background to avoid your sister or big groups. I never want you to feel like you have to be a turtle around me. You don't need a shell sweetheart. The girl that I'm getting to know amazes me."

"You called my mom? Why," asked Annie.

"Because I was worried about you. I didn't want to push you to fast. I want you to feel like you're in control and you can come to me. I promise that I won't rush you and that I will always be honest with you. I am here for you, I want the very best for you," Teddy said.

"Always," Annie asked.

"Always," Teddy echoed.

At this Annie started to cry.

"Why are you crying little bear," asked Teddy, a look of concern on her face.

Annie choked out, "I'm happy. You wanted me all along. You always loved me."

Teddy stood up and pulled Annie to her feet, wrapping her in a tight hug, "I have always loved you and always wanted you. Nothing will ever change that."