Annie woke up early the morning of her interview. She had hours before she had to be at the hospital to meet the professors from Harvard who would decide if she would be accepted for the fall. She grabbed a leotard and a pair of dance shorts from her bag. She put her headphones in her ears knowing that Teddy and Henry would still be sleeping. She slipped into the living room and pushed the coffee table against the couch creating more room. Pressing play Annie used the back of a chair as a ballet barre and worked through the exercises. For the first time in months she wanted to dance just to feel the movement. Her talk with Teddy a couple days ago and her meeting with dr Wyatt yesterday had helped. Annie finished her barre half an hour later and moved to the center of the living room continuing to work through the exercises. She forgot about technique and danced; she let the movement wash over her. She had forgotten how it felt to just dance and to move because she loves it.
Teddy stood just out of Annie's sight watching. Annie was in her own world but she was smiling. When Annie started jumping moving into the intricate footwork patterns of highland Teddy walked into the kitchen and turned on the coffee pot.
Annie took her headphones out of her ears, "mama your up early."
"I have an early surgery," Teddy said, "what happened to a calm morning before your interview?"
"I couldn't sleep," Annie said, "so I put my music in and danced."
"How are you feeling today," Teddy asked.
"I'm really nervous about my interview," Annie said, "I was trying to forget it and just dance."
Teddy asked , "why did you choose to dance?"
"I've always liked it. I just want to dance for me," Annie said, "can I give up competing?"
Teddy replied, "after this season. Don't let your team down."
"I can't work with Mrs G," Annie admitted.
"I know she's pushing you in a way I don't like," Teddy said, "but don't quit because it's hard. You're stronger than this. Push though and go out on top."
"Mama will you tell me if I start getting fat," Annie asked.
Teddy replied, "that I can't do. But I will tell you if I worry you're not healthy."
"I don't trust myself to know," Annie said, "because I look at pictures from the fall and think I look fat."
"Pictures aren't a good gage," Teddy said, "go by how your clothes fit. Use your costumes."
"My national vest is loose and so is my kilt jacket," Annie admitted.
"Don't let them get looser," Teddy said.
"I'll try," Annie said , "I want to feel better but don't know how."
"I'm going to call Anne and get her to write the referral based on what she's seen," Teddy said.
"You won't tell her what I told you," Annie asked.
"I can't," Teddy said, "it's against the law."
"But I told you as my mama," Annie pointed out.
"I know but it's your choice who knows so I'm not going to tell Anne and she won't ask," Teddy said, "she's my only contact in BC I can trust with this and to be discreet."
"Will it get easier," Annie asked.
Teddy nodded , "if you put in the work. It's not easy but it will be worth it."
"I'm still having nightmares about it," Annie said.
"You haven't called in a while," Teddy said.
"I haven't needed to," Annie said, "I figured it out."
"Or were you embarrassed the night you called and I had to put you on speaker in the OR with Owen and Christina," Teddy asked.
"Both," Annie replied.
"I didn't think that night," Teddy said, "you were panicking and I couldn't be there. I just wanted to help you. I didn't think about Owen or Christina being there."
"It's not them it's all the other people like the nurses and the anesthesiologist," Annie said, "he knew about the nightmares and I fussed he told her."
"I didn't think. I'm sorry," Teddy apologized.
"Did Owen and Christina understand," Annie asked.
"More than you know," Teddy replied, "Owen has seen things that you would never begin to imagine and I hope you never have to see."
"You saw them too," Annie said.
"And I'm not always okay either," Teddy replied, "it's okay not to be okay and to let people in."
"My friends won't get it," Annie said.
"Don't push your friends away," Teddy said, "they won't understand why and that you're hurting. They'll think you're mad at them."
Annie looked down, "too late."
"This is your fun semester, enjoy it and hang out with your friends. Go to a few parties, go out dancing," Teddy said, "hang out with Kevin. Go to one of your thirsty Thursdays at the horrible bar."
"The pit," Annie asked.
"Next week go," Teddy said, "have fun. Get your girlfriends together and have girls night."
"Go to Kelowna with Kevin for the competition there," Annie asked, "he asked me to go with him and to dance the cakewalk."
"Go with Kevin," Teddy said, "and take cute pyjamas."
"Mama," Annie said, "it's not like that."
"Annie, he's a young man who really likes you," Teddy said.
"Saturday night before I came down he told me he loved me," Annie said.
Teddy squealed, "details?"
"We were in his room watching a movie on his laptop and cuddling," Annie said, "we were kissing and he told me he loved me."
Teddy asked, "did you say it back?"
Annie blushed , "of course."
Teddy said, "as your mama I have to say this, whatever you do with him it's your job to protect yourself. If you love him and trust him go to Kelowna and have fun with him."
"I love him," Annie said, "I wish we could go to the same schools next year."
"He won't be far away," Teddy said, "a couple hours by train."
"I like having him on campus and seeing him every day," Annie said.
Teddy sipped her coffee, "we both should get ready. What do you want for breakfast?"
"I'm so nervous I could only manage toast," Annie said.
"With peanut butter," Teddy asked.
"Always," Annie replied.
"Are you coming with me and waiting for your interview or driving yourself," Teddy asked.
"Driving," Annie replied, "I need time to get ready."
Teddy asked, "do you feel ready?"
Annie replied, "I think so. I just hope there's no trick questions."
"No trick questions," Teddy said, "but be careful with the what would you do questions. It's okay to think for a moment before you reply."
"Can I do this," Annie asked, "am I ready?"
"We know they're interested because they asked you to interview," Teddy said, "you've been practicing with me, Owen, Anne and your dad for weeks."
"Kevin," Annie added.
"That's a good boyfriend," Teddy said.
"I'm not ready," Annie said.
"It's an interview you are," Teddy said.
"What if I mess up," Annie asked.
"Then you have two others and your UBC one," Teddy said, "come early and do an extra practice with someone. I'm sure Richard could make time."
"Will you ask him," Annie asked.
"When I get there," Teddy said, "you're ready there's no need to be nervous."
"Mrs C says being nervous means you care," Annie said.
" you need to relax if you go in super tense it will hurt your interview," Teddy said. She put their toast on the counter.
Annie grabbed a slice of toast and sat down in the stool to eat it.
Teddy was worried that Annie would continue not eating when she wasn't around. Teddy considered calling Leslie then decided against it. Annie's relationship with Leslie was often strained because of the tension caused by Jessica.
Teddy finished getting ready for work and Annie went to get ready for her interview.
Before she left Teddy said , "call me when you get to the hospital."
Annie laughed, "I'm a big girl my mama can't walk me to my interview. "
Teddy replied, "not going to walk you just want to see you and give you a hug first."
"Okay," Annie replied, "but not where they can see."
"I'm hurt, my little bear doesn't need me," Teddy joked.
"I need you," Annie said, "but they can see that."
"Okay, I'll see you soon Annie," Teddy said.
"See you later mama," Annie replied.
Annie did a little bit of homework before she showered and did her hair and makeup before getting dressed for her interview. She had chosen black dress pants and a blue top as well as borrowing a jacket from Teddy. Annie looked in the mirror and was happy with what she saw. She said goodbye to Henry and drove to the hospital. She knew she was over an hour early so she walked to the surgical floor and had Teddy paged to the nurses station. While she was waiting she had a moment to catch up with Owen who wished her luck before he ran to meet a trauma in the pit. Teddy came around the corner in her scrubs with her hair still hidden under her scrub cap.
"Mama," Annie called.
"Give me 10," Teddy replied , "I need to go update a family."
Annie sat in the chairs opposite the nurses station and waited.
Teddy sat down beside her," ready little bear?"
"I hope so," Annie said , "I'm so nervous I want to throw up."
Teddy shook her head, "your fine. Plus you can scrub in on a pacemaker when you're done. Think of that."
"I don't know where I'm going," Annie said, "I can only find the surgical, cardio and OR floors."
"I'll walk you to the admin wing," Teddy said.
"Just tell me," Annie said, "I can't be the little girl whose mama walks her to the interview."
"You won't be," Teddy said, "you got lost and a dr helped you find it."
"How does that work," Annie asked.
"In scrubs and my lab coat no one will know," Teddy said.
"Okay," Annie replied , "but I'm still really scared."
Teddy shook her head, "your fine. What did Owen day?"
"To be brave," Annie said.
"Exactly we are going to be brave," Teddy said.
They sat for a few more minutes then walked towards the admin wing at the door they paused, Teddy stuck out her pinkie finger to Annie who shook it with her pinkie.
Annie took a deep breath and walked into the admin wing. At the main desk she introduced herself and said that she was there for her Harvard Medical interview.
Teddy was watching from the window in the door and smiled. Her shy, insecure girl was one step closer to medical school. She hoped Annie could put her insecurities aside for the next hour to let the interviewer see all the good sides. Teddy was worried Annie had been so insecure for months. Teddy hopes that Annie could get the help she needed to be herself again.
"Annabeth McKellar," a tall man called out.
Annie stood up, "hello."
"I'm Dr Abraham," he said.
Annie extended her hand, "it's a pleasure to meet you sir."
"Are you ready for your interview Miss McKellar," asked Dr Abraham.
"I am," Annie smiled.
"Your file says your from British Columbia I hope it wasn't a hard trip down," he said.
Annie replied , "I have family in Seattle so I came down Sunday and am spending the week with them."
"It's nice to be able to see family," dr Abraham said.
"It is," Annie agreed.
They took a seat at a conference table.
"Annabeth I have a few questions for you today," dr Abraham explained , "it should take about an hour. If at any point you would like clarification please ask me."
"I will," Annie replied.
"Let's get started then," Dr. Abraham said, "why would you like to be a doctor?"
"I've always wanted to be a doctor," Annie replied, "I think I'm most drawn to the ability to help people and to make a real difference in my patients lives. A doctor is more than just a scientist or a source of knowledge, a good doctor advocates for their patient and helps them to make the best choices for their health. I want to be able to help people be as healthy as possible."
"Is there a person who inspires you to be a doctor," asked Dr. Abraham.
"I have several," Annie said.
"Can you tell me about one," asked Dr. Abraham, "what have you learned from them."
"If I had to choose just one I would choose my birth mother, she's a cardio thoracic surgeon. I've spent a lot of time with her understanding what it means to truly care for your patient and help them get their best possible outcomes. One thing I really admire is her ability to listen to her patient and make them feel supported and cared for, she's never too busy to listen to their concerns," Annie said.
"That must be hard to live up to," dr Abraham said.
"My family supports me in finding my own path, how ever mama is pleased I'm choosing medicine," Annie replied.
"If you were accepted to medical school have you considered potential specialties," asked Dr. Abraham
"I would be interested in cardiothoracic surgery, trauma or general surgery," Annie replied.
"Your interests are surgical," clarified Dr Abraham.
Annie replied, "I also have an interest in paediatrics."
Dr Abraham continued his questions," what would you say the best quality you would bring to our program is?"
Annie replied confidently, "I enjoy working with people and am an active member of any team I'm on and put team success ahead of personal gain. I also don't give up until I have reached my goal."
"Do you have a weakness," Dr. Abraham asked.
Annie pauses, "I am working on being more confidence when sharing my opinion in a larger group or and not giving in right away during a disagreement."
Annie's interview continued positively. At the end of it Dr. Abraham shook her hand and said , "thank you very much for your time today Miss McKellar. I will be recommending to our admissions team that you be accepted to Harvard Medical school for the fall semester."
Annie beamed, "thank you very much for meeting with me today Dr. Abraham."
She followed him out of the conference room and past the administration desk.
"Have a great afternoon," Annie said as she left.
"You to Miss McKellar," Dr Abraham called after her.
Annie walked to the door that connected to the rest of the hospital then rushed up to the surgical floor. She wished she could switch her heels for her runners but those were in Teddy's locker.
Annie walked into the surgical wing and spotted Christina, "Christina have you seen mama or uncle Owen?"
"Owen is in surgery," Christina replied, "check the attendings lounge for Teddy."
"Thank you," Annie replied. She walked to the attendings lounge and knocked on the door.
Teddy called , "Annie you can just come in."
Annie burst through the door and flopped on the couch beside teddy.
Teddy asked, "how did it go?"
"Really well he said he would put my name forward to the admissions committee," Annie said.
Teddy hugged her, "that is awesome! How do you feel?"
"Amazing," Annie replied.
Richard joined them, "Annie did you have your Harvard interview today?"
"I did, Dr Webber," Annie replied, "it was awesome Dr Abraham said he would recommend me to the admissions committee."
"He was a few years ahead of me in residency," Richard replied , "he was a hard man to please. Well done. I just got off the phone with them about you as well. I told them how much everyone here loves you."
"Thank you," Annie and Teddy replied at the same time.
"Annie I need that scholarship application," Richard said , "it's not tied to which school you go to. And you get it for all 4 years even if Teddy chooses another hospital in that time. It's your award if the rest of the comittee agrees, and that comittee is all of the department heads excpt you mother."
Annie's eyes went wide, "thank you so much. I'll get that to you by the end of the week."
Teddy asked, "what's left?"
Annie replied , "proofreading."
"You can do it after this pacemaker," Teddy said.
"You have my back pack with my runners and tank top," Annie said.
Teddy grabbed it, "go get ready. I told Christina you were joining us. You should have scrubs or ask whoever is in there."
"I know," Annie replied , "you have my cap?"
"I do, it's ready with mine to go," Teddy said.
"We won't have many more of these before I go to medical school," Annie said.
"You'll scrub in with me every time you come home," Teddy said, "and do more as your skills grow. Then you'll come home and do your residency here so Owen, Christina and I can teach you."
"I like the idea of you and uncle Owen teaching me," Annie replied.
Owen came into the room, "Annie I just talked to dr Abraham about you and your reference. You'll get a firm letter in a few weeks but you're following your uncle Owen to Harvard."
"Yes," Teddy shrieked.
"You're not excited," Owen asked.
"I'll wait for the official letter," Annie said , "they could still change their minds and decide they like someone more than they like me."
Owen sat down, "why would they do that?"
"Because it's me," Annie said.
Teddy shook her head, "Annie you've done this the last three days. You need to believe in yourself as much as the rest of the world believes in you."
"You're not stuck in my brain," Annie said , "it can be a very confusing place sometimes."
"Most people's are," Teddy said.
"Just don't go dark and twisty," Owen said.
"Go get ready for the pacemaker," Teddy said nudging Annie.
When Annie left the room Owen asked , "what's going on with her?"
Teddy frowned, "she's not eating and worried about getting fat. Plus she's still having nightmares and feels pressured to forgive Jessica."
"Do you think it's an eating disorder," Owen asked.
"I don't know," Teddy admitted, "she's admitted to skipping meals. There's a new coach for the school dance team who is putting a lot of pressure on the girls about their appearance and weight. Annie is really feeling the pressure."
"She has what 6 weeks with that coach," Owen asked.
"9 weeks," Teddy replied.
"Any idea why," Owen asked , "do I need to go beat up a guy?"
"I don't think it has anything to do with Kevin," Teddy said, "it's the whole Jessica situation. And she doesn't seem to have any self worth. All her skills and the things she's worked so hard to be able to do and she had no idea how amazing she is. She was up before 5 and practicing in my living room this morning. She just beats herself up for any little mistake and setback is a major failure. She thinks she failed me and her parents and the big one she failed Jessica she blames herself for what happened. Annie thinks she deserves how Jessica treats her. So she gets up early every day and runs or practices, doesn't eat because it's the two things she can control"
"Probably couldn't sleep with the interview," Owen said.
"She said it was nerves and that she needed to move," Teddy said, "but her leotard has a really low back and I could see every rib. She wasn't that tiny in the summer."
"She was pretty small in the summer," Owen said.
"I didn't really question the lack of appetite then," Teddy said, "she was recovering then wasn't doing much moving around."
Owen thought, "why don't you call my mom. Meghan went through a phase at about Annies age where she had to be forced to eat. I remember the fights and Meghan calling my mom a nazi."
"Annie asked for help," Teddy said, "she wants more counselling but needs a referral because she's already used the number she was given for this school year."
"How does she get the referral," asked Owen, "it sounds easy enough."
"I'm waiting for Anne Milner to call me back," Teddy said, "she called a couple weeks ago to say something was off with Annie. Anne is part of their medical system and she can do the referral. I'm not telling her what is going on just that Annie needs the referral."
"Will she do that for Annie," Owen asked.
Teddy nodded, "she'll do it for me. Owen, I'm really worried about Annie."
"I would be to," Owen said, "but she came to you. She told you what was happening."
"She did," Teddy agreed, "but she was so worried I was disappointed in her. I would never be disappointed in her for that. She knew something was wrong and asked for help."
"She did the brave thing," Owen said.
"She scared me when she asked to talk to me," Teddy said, "usually she just starts talking."
"Why did it scare you," Owen asked.
"I was her age when I called my mom and asked if we could talk," Teddy said, "then I told her that Annie was coming. With the situation with Kevin getting serious I panicked. And may have directly asked her."
"Teddy you didn't," Owen said.
"I did," Teddy said, "don't worry I apologized and explained why. I jumped to that point then had to back pedal."
"How did Annie respond," Owen asked.
"Well I found out things about her and Kevin that as her mother I did not want to know," Teddy said, "but it actually got her talking about what is really bothering her."
"Are you okay," Owen asked.
"I'm worried about her," Teddy said, "god Owen the summer was easier. I was so much better with physical trauma and injury. I can handle her being sick or injured I know how that works, I know how to help her, I know the medicine and the freak outs were part of the trauma. This is all new to me figuring out what's going on in her head and how to help her. I didn't pay attention in my psych rotations."
Owen replied, "you're strong and so is she. She's talking to you and asking for help. Teddy, she did the right thing."
"I know," Teddy replied, "but I should have seen it sooner."
"You don't see her every day," Owen said, "how could you?"
"I saw her ribs when I did up the back of her tutu at Christmas," Teddy said, "I had questions then but didn't push it too much."
"You couldn't make her talk until she was ready," Owen said.
"But I don't like it," Teddy said, "she wasn't even excited about you telling her she got into Harvard."
"She's cautious and wants to wait," Owen said, "I jumped the gun telling her. Annie gets all of the information before she says something or acts."
"Some days I don't understand my daughter," Teddy said.
"I missed most of that conversation," Callie said walking in, "but Teddy you have a 20 year old daughter. Did your mom understand you at 20?"
Teddy laughed, "my mom didn't fully. Did yours?"
"Not at all," Callie said, "still doesn't."
Annie walked back into the room, "mama I'm ready."
"Give me two minutes to finish my coffee," Teddy said.
"There's coffee," Annie asked.
"How fast can you chug it," Teddy asked.
"I live off coffee," Annie said, "I'm fast. And I have your jacket, thank you for letting me wear it to the interview."
"What interview," asked Callie.
"Harvard Medical is doing their pacific northwest ones here today," Annie said, "I had an interview."
Callie asked, "how did it go?"
"Really well," Annie beamed, " the doctor who interviewed me said he would recommend me for admission."
"I worked with Dr. Abraham when I was resident, he taught me, I was one of Annie's references for medical school," Owen said, "he was very impressed when I ran into him in the cafeteria. It's a formality of waiting for her letter."
"Congratulations," Callie said.
"I'm not getting excited until I get the official letter," Annie said, "plus I have 2 more interviews this week. Columbia and UCLA."
Christina stood in the door, "Dr. Altman may I do the pacemaker insertion today?"
"You can Christina," Teddy said, "but you have to teach Annie as you go."
"Thing one is scrubbing in," Christina asked.
"I am," Annie said.
"Good you found the scrubs in your cubby," Christina said.
"You always put them in the same spot," Annie replied.
"Yang, Annie are you ready to go," asked Teddy.
"Just need my scrub cap," Annie said.
"I have it," Teddy said.
"Okay," Annie replied, "lets go."
"Yang, go prep the patient," Teddy said, "Annie, walk with me."
Annie followed Teddy towards the OR.
"Mama, can I be excited about what Uncle Owen said," Annie asked.
"I think you can be very hopeful," Teddy said, "Owen wouldn't say that in front of you if he was 99% certain. You did it sweetheart."
Annie looked at Teddy, "I really did it?"
"You did," Teddy smiled, "I'm proud of you."
"But I'm still going to my other interviews and taking them seriously," Annie said.
"Of course you are," Teddy said, "but that's one stress off your list."
"It's one but not the biggest one," Annie said honestly.
"We'll get to that one," Teddy said, "but each little one gone will make it easier. After this pacemaker we should have lunch, unless you've already eaten."
"I was too nervous to eat before the interview then came to find you," Annie said.
"Getting hungry," asked Teddy.
"Sort of," Annie agreed.
"This should take about an hour then we'll go for lunch," Teddy said.
"Okay," Annie replied.
They walked into the scrub room and Teddy tossed Annie her cap.
"Thanks," Annie replied.
"Four years and you'll be here as an intern and your first official surgery will be with me," Teddy said, " I missed first steps, first words and first day of school. I get to be there for your first day of medical school and your first surgery."
"Very cute," Christina said, "are we operating or what?"
"Let's go," Teddy said.
"I'm ready," Annie replied.
Annie followed Teddy and Chrsitina into the OR. She took her spot by Teddy, far enough back that Teddy could move easily but still close enough to be able to see every movement.