It almost finals and Annie was having a tough time. She had gotten her acceptance letters for next year and pleased to have been accepted for medical school at Harvard and UBC. Annie was still fighting with the dark thoughts that invaded her brain without warning. She was working with a psychiatrist to unravel what was going on and why she reacted the way she did.
Annie was struggling to be able to eat even one meal a day. She knew she was physically hungry but her brain wouldn't let her eat every time she did she felt sick. Even with the weekly appointments she wasn't doing better. Annie had withdrawn from her friends who were becoming worried that she was fading away and only picking at her dinner. Cassie who had been down to Seattle a couple times with Annie decided to call Teddy.
Teddy answered her heart filled with dread after the last time an unknown BC number had called her , "hello this is Dr Altman."
"Hi Teddy, it's Cassie Annie's friend," Cassie said.
"Cassie, what happened to Annie," Teddy asked sounding panicked.
"Nothing's happened it's what she's not doing that's scaring me," Cassie said.
"What isn't she doing," asked Teddy.
"She's not eating or sleeping," Cassie said, "it's like her body is there but her heart isn't."
Teddy's face went pale, "thank you for telling me Cassie you did the right thing. Do you know if she's eaten at all today?"
"I did see her eat today but she did have half of her dinner last night," Cassie replied , "I know she's mad at them but should I phone Leslie and Dan?"
Teddy thought, "it's okay Cassie. I'll take it from here. Right now I don't want you to worry about what she is or isn't eating. Just be her friend, try to make her smile."
"Are you sure I shouldn't call her parents," Cassie asked, "Jessica was on campus for a school tour a couple weeks ago and Annie ran into her. I saw the end of the conversation and it was scary. Jessica tried to hit Annie."
"Annie told me about that," Teddy said, "Cassie I'm off tomorrow and Saturday. I'm going to come up and see Annie. Don't tell her I'm coming."
"Annie hates surprises," Cassie said.
Teddy replied, "I'll call her in a bit. Do you know what she's doing tonight?"
Cassie replied, "she's in her room with Kevin. I'm outside so she can't hear me."
"You're on the dance team with Annie," Teddy asked.
"I am," Cassie replied, "why?"
"How are things going with that," Teddy asked.
"Mrs. G has been really hard on me and Annie," Cassie said, "she wants us to be perfect. I think she forgets Annie graduates next month."
"How much pressure is Annie under there," asked Teddy.
"A lot," Cassie said, "Mrs. G got really mad when Annie refused to wear a sports bra on stage. I know it's because of her scar."
"Cassie," Teddy said, "thank you for telling me all that."
"I was worried and didn't know who to call," Cassie said, "she doesn't trust her parents."
"I know," Teddy said, "you did the right thing. And I promise she won't know it was you who called."
"What will you tell her," Cassie asked.
"Do I need an excuse to come see my daughter," Teddy asked.
"No my parents just show up," Cassie said.
"Exactly," Teddy said, "I haven't seen her in a while and we should celebrate her med school acceptances."
"Thank you for listening to me Teddy," Cassie said, "I didn't know what else to do. I know Annie trusts you more than anyone."
Teddy replied, "you did the right thing Cassie thank you for taking care of her. I'm going to let you go and will see you tomorrow."
"Bye Teddy see you soon," Cassie replied and hung up the phone.
Alice walked up, "you called Teddy?"
Cassie replied, "Annie has hardly eaten all week and I don't think shes sleeping I can hear her typing all night and her music is always on."
Alice asked, "what did you tell Teddy?"
"That she wasn't eating or sleeping and how mean Mrs. G is to Annie," Cassie replied.
Alice glared, "you can't just call her mom."
"Teddy is cool," Cassie replied, "it's not like I called Leslie. Teddy will know what to do. I'm scared and Annie moves out after finals and has to live with Jessica. Next year Annie could be gone. She's choosing between staying and Harvard."
Alice replied, "I want Annie to stay but she really wants Harvard. But it's so far from home and she only really trusts, you, me, Teddy and Kevin. I don't know what happened with Jessica but Annie is scared to go home."
"Teddy is coming tomorrow," Cassie said, "Annie tells her everything. Teddy can help."
"If Teddy loves her so much why was Annie adopted," Alice asked.
"All Annie has said is that Teddy was our age," Cassie replied, "she wasn't ready to keep Annie. But Leslie and Dan used to write to Teddy all the time, she always knew what Annie was doing. Annie said Teddy wanted to see her but couldn't until Annie was 19 and contacted Teddy first."
Friday afternoon Teddy walked up to Annie's building and messaged Cassie that she was there. Cassie came down with Alice and let her in.
"Alice, Cassie, how are you," Teddy asked.
"We're good," the girls replied.
Cassie asked Teddy to come in. Teddy followed the girls to the apartment, she took a seat on the couch in the living room.
Cassie sat down beside Teddy and asked, "what's the plan?"
"I wait for Annie to come home and I spend some time with her," Teddy said, "hopefully she tells me what is happening."
"Hang out with her and hope she talks," Alice said in disbelief, "that's your plan. You're supposed to be a doctor."
Teddy shook her head, "I'm a surgeon not a psychiatrist. I deal with hearts and trauma."
"Will she be okay," Cassie asked.
"She will be," Teddy said, "Annie has had a hard couple years and confusing years."
"She's been happier since she started spending time with you," Alice said, "she finally has some one who understands what she wants to do."
"She's amazing," Teddy said, "but enough about Annie, tell me about your classes."
Cassie and Alice told Teddy about the classes they were taking and their own plans for graduate school. Alice was looking at speech therapy and Cassie wanted to go into urban planning. Teddy also heard about their boyfriends and their perspective on Kevin. Annie's friends liked him and thought he was much better for Annie than David had been. Teddy smiled, Annie's friends were comfortable with her. They seemed to forget that Teddy was one of Annie's mothers, they treated her as the cool aunt they could talk to.
An hour later after Annie's friends had gone to their rooms assured that Teddy was happy on the couch with her book, Annie came through the door. Teddy thought she looked worn out. From the couch Teddy called, "hi sweetheart."
"Mama," Annie said, "what are you doing here?"
Teddy hugged Annie, "I had a couple days off and missed you. I'm only here for the night."
"I missed you two," Annie replied.
"You look worn out, are you okay," Teddy asked.
"Just a lot going on," Annie said, "trying to do too much."
"Put your back pack away and let's go for a walk," Teddy suggested , "I did a 36 last night and need coffee."
"Coffee would be good," Annie said, "walk with it?"
"Sounds like a plan," Teddy replied.
Annie and Teddy stopped at the coffee shop near the bookstore then headed towards the first at the edge of campus. They meandered through the forest trails chatting about classes and surgeries and made summer plans. Teddy was waiting for Annie to open up; she knew that if they walked long enough Annie would eventually start to talk.
"Mama," Annie said, "why did you really come. You usually text before you come."
Teddy stopped, "honestly sweetheart Cassie called me yesterday. She said things aren't getting better."
"I'm going to the psychiatrist but it's not helping," Annie said, "I just can't turn the scary thoughts off."
Teddy sat on a log and waited for Annie to sit beside her.
Annie continued, "I want to eat but there's so many swirling thoughts that I can't turn off. I can only control them when doing school work or working out. I can't stop."
Teddy asked, "what are these thoughts?"
Annie began to cry, "that I'm not good enough and that I'll never be good enough no matter what I do. I failed mom and dad, Chris, Jessica, soon enough I'll fail you."
"Annie," Teddy sighed, "you haven't failed anyone. The only person you're hurting is yourself. Do we need to find a different psychiatrist?"
"Maybe," Annie said, "I just want to feel normal."
"You will," Teddy said, "last time your brain was swirling you said telling me helped. Do you want to tell me what's going on?"
"Promise you won't be mad," Annie asked.
"Annie, you're hurting," Teddy promised, "I'm always on your side. I won't be mad. I just want you to be happy."
Annie sat on the log and cried, for the first time in months she didn't feel judged.
"I don't know how to say it," Annie said, "but I can't eat or sleep. My brain just wont turn off. All I can think of is what Jessie said a couple weeks ago."
"What did she say," asked Teddy.
"That it's all my fault that she isn't happy, that me going away next fall is running her life. She said it's my fault that she failed her math course last semester and has to do it again in summer school. And that mom and dad wasted their time adopting me, that when you didn't want me I should have gone to foster care," Annie sobbed.
Teddy sat for a moment , she hadn't ever thought how her choice to give Annie up as an infant would affect Annie mentally.
Annie continued, "Jessie said that if I go to school in the fall she'll never talk to me again and that I won't be welcome at home. I saw her on campus with some school tour and she screamed and yelled at me and slapped me. Mama I can't do this. I don't know what to do. I want to go to school but I also want my family. I can't lose my family. I just want to be good enough for them. Maybe if I was smarter, or thinner they could try to love me."
Teddy hugged Annie and held her while she cried, "baby girl. Your mom and dad love you very much. I missed you everyday for 19 years. You won't lose your family for being you. We love you just the way you are."
Annie kept crying, "that's not true. I haven't earned it."
Teddy soothed, "you don't have to earn it sweetheart love isn't earned it's given. I love you so much. I want to see you happy. So do your mom and dad. You know Uncle Owen loves you, and Evelyn. What about your brother, Chris adores you. Annie you have friends that care so much that instead of letting you be in pain they called me. Cassie loves you and so does Alice."
"But how can they love me," Annie asked, "I'm worthless and useless I can't do anything right."
"You're going to listen to me Annie," Teddy said, "right now you are not thinking clearly. I want you to close your eyes and listen to me very carefully. Can you do that?"
Annie nodded.
Teddy began, "what I see is the most amazing daughter I could have ever hoped for way better than I ever dreamed. When you first asked to meet me I was amazed by you and you continue to amaze me. My baby girl doesn't let anything stop her, she is kind, and talented and a good friend. She has this way of making everyone around her feel special and important, she melts even the coldest hearts. My Annie has many talents and surprises people with her gentle ways. My girl cares more about the people around her than she does herself."
Annie looked at Teddy shocked, "that's not me."
"It is sweetheart," Teddy said, "let yourself believe even a part of it."
"Why should I," Annie asked.
"Jessie does not decide how others see you," Teddy said, "those that know you love you dearly. Henry is really worried about you."
"Why would he worry about me," Annie asked.
"Because like everyone else he cares," Teddy said, "and not just because he's married to me. He still talks about the snowball fight at christmas."
"When Chris and I ambushed the two of you from the snow cave," Annie asked, "that was good."
"It was," Teddy agreed, "I liked your cave system."
"That was Chris's idea," Annie said, "I just helped."
"We do need to talk about you not eating," Teddy said, "that worries me most of all."
"I get so nervous about everything and that people are judging me that it hurts my stomach to eat," Annie said, "so I just don't eat."
"Are you nervous with me or the girls in your dorm," Teddy asked.
"Not really," Annie replied, " I just worry everyone will judge me."
"No one is judging you," Teddy promised.
"What if they are," Annie said.
"They're not," Teddy said, "I'm not. Your friends love you too much to judge you."
"Why though," Annie asked, "my own sister judges me constantly."
"That's Jessica," Teddy said, "she doesn't decide how the world sees you. And I know that she is so wrong. Annie, your sister is beyond jealous because you have an attitude and a work ethic she will never have. I've watched you over the last couple years, you work hard for everything you have. Things don't always come easy for you but you see something you want and you work for it."
"How can I be happy if my happiness makes Jessie unhappy," Annie asked.
"Your sister will have to work on that," Teddy said, "that's something she needs to work on and learn."
"Mama," Annie asked, "can we talk to my mom tomorrow?"
"Would you like me there," Teddy asked, "I can't talk for you but I can sit with you."
"Can you please," Annie asked.
"You call her," Teddy said.
Annie took her phone out of her pocket and dialed Leslie's number, "Mommy can we talk?"
Annie hadn't said mommy in years not even after the incident.
Leslie could tell that Annie had been crying, "Annie where are you?"
"In the forest at school with mama," Annie said.
"What is Teddy doing there," Leslie asked, "what's wrong?"
"Cassie called her because she was worried about me," Annie said, "mom we need to talk, just you, mama and I. No dad, no Jessie."
"Annie I'm scared," Leslie said, "how worried do I need to be."
"Just come tomorrow and listen," Annie said, "please don't be mad at me."
"What's your plan tonight," asked Leslie.
"I don't know yet. I was going to have a couple drinks, eat pizza and play board games with Cassie, Alice, Shawn and Kevin but now mama is here so I don't know," Annie replied.
"Are you safe," asked Leslie.
"I am," Annie said, "I won't do anything stupid."
"Can I talk to Teddy," Leslie asked.
"Okay," Annie replied.
"I love you little bear," Leslie said.
"Love you to mom," Annie replied, she passed her phone to Teddy who took a few steps down the path.
"Teddy, how worried are we about her," Leslie asked.
"I'm concerned but with a lot of love, the right help and some time she'll be okay," Teddy said.
"What has she told you," Leslie asked.
"That's for Annie to tell you what she wants to," Teddy said, " I won't break her confidence."
Leslie asked, "what do we do?"
"We listen and let Annie decide what happens next," Teddy said.
"Is she," Lelslie asked.
"Thankfully she is more responsible than I was at her age," Teddy replied, "I'm with her tonight and we will all talk tomorrow. We should finish her walk and it sounds like games night."
Teddy hung up and passed Annie's phone back to her, "feeling any better sweetheart?"
"A little," Annie said.
"So pizza and games with your friends," Teddy said, "is this a byob thing?"
"It is. Do you want to join us," Annie asked.
"If you want your old mama," Teddy said.
"I'll ask the others. It's my turn to order pizza," Annie said, "we usually do a couple pepperoni ones is that okay?"
"That's fine with me as long as you eat," Teddy said.
"I will," Annie said, "for the first time in days I'm kind of hungry."
"We can also go to that little bakery and get some cupcakes," Teddy said, "I need a sugar fix."
They finished their walk at the bakery and picked up some cupcakes. They meandered their way back to Annie's dorm. Annie's friends accepted Teddy playing games with them. Their favourite card and board games were new to Teddy and she lost every game badly.
Teddy went to the kitchen to get water and was followed by Cassie, "will Annie be okay?"
"Cassie we will work it all out," Teddy said, "for now you need to enjoy the end of the semester. You're not going to worry any more. Go have fun and don't try to get me to do another shot."
Teddy excused herself just after 11 and walked across the court yard after saying good night to Annie and her friends. She had noticed that Kevin was hovering and very attentive, she had also seen Annie put his backpack in her room. Teddy assumed that Kevin would spend the night with Annie. She had gotten to know the young man and knew he loved Annie and supported her. He had also come to visit with Annie, staying on Teddy's couch when they came to Seattle for dance events. Teddy was worried about Annie but was sure that Annie would accept help and that with the right help she would come back from this.