She was running.
From the truth.
The realisation that something could cause her happiness, hurt.
Never say never.
Never, he would never be there.
The thing stretchy maroon covered her body, her child slumbering against her chest and her hood up to fight the world.
Fight.
"Are you ok?"
"I-I need to go" she stutters running off into the middle of the road.
She looks around seeing them come closer to her.
Ever so close.
She panicked until she saw it out of the corner of her eyes.
She smiled for what seemed like ages.
"Hey…"
"You're back!" she gasped walking over to him, she sits down beside him.
All you had to do was stay.
She wanted to say the words but she couldn't.
"Why?"
No reply but she felt him take her hand.
I keep waiting.
"Carry on waiting"
"W-What?"
Please come back to me.
Please.
Peter, come home.
"No," he says shaking his head, she begins to cry bouncing her child to settle it in the sling "Beautiful, like you"
"Don't go"
"I have to" he cups her cheek.
He felt so real.
So so real.
"Peter please"
Her pleas weren't enough.
The anger flashed in front of her face as she closed her eyes.
Opening them.
He wasn't there.
This was not how it was supposed to be.
"No!" she cries pulling at her hair, her legs buckling and her body falling to the floor, her hands digging into the soil the filth embedded in her nails.
"It's ok"
"No" she shakes her head "No, no, no"
She was safe now.
We were forever.
Why did this have to happen?
Why did this have to be the outcome?
Why is the world punishing her?
"How does it feel to have your whole life taken away from you?"
"Disgusting" she spits angrily collapsing onto the floor once more "I hate myself.
Hate.
Love.
Pain.
All causes of everything.
You will admit to everything.
Never, she was not letting it happen again. No.
"How does it feel to be out?"
"That doesn't matter"
"It does to me" he puts an arm around her shoulder, she looks down into the pram then up at him.
"All that matters is keeping mine and Peter's child safe" she responds with a hint of sadness "I miss him, I always will"
I'm so happy I could scream
"Twinkle twinkle little star" she whispers quietly before the tears spring to her eyes.
It hurt to think about the times where she and Peter should be doing this.
That hurt.
She was never going to have that.
They both were never going to have that now.
We were meant to be forever.
"I want him back"
"I know you do"
I found the strength to see
"Yay well done" she beams lifting her child into her arms, giggles emitting from its mouth as she spins them both around.
"You're doing just fine"
"You think?"
The reassurance.
Somehow it worked.
Somehow it made her feel as if Peter would be there reassuring her in a weird way through the form of another.
Was that ok?
She didn't know.
That was ok.
She was taught that it was ok not to know.
But she wanted to know.
For reassurance.
I'll cry a wishing well.
It's ok to let people see you sad.
"No!" she cries, her t-shirt sticking to her sweat covered skin, soon she felt the arms around her calming her.
Right down.
Why would you leave us?
How could you leave us here?
She didn't know why.
Why did Peter have to leave them?
Happiness.
Definition: the state of being happy.
That.
She wasnt that.
Not without Peter.
"Why did you do it?"
"I admit...I admit that I couldn't cope"
"Why didn't you say?"
"Because of pride, ironic really eh?"
They always said that you shouldn't cope alone.
But she felt so alone even with all the people around her.
Wishes.
Dreams.
They scared her.
And I feel the colour draining from my face.
Because the more she realised that Peter wasn't coming back, it hurt her deep to the core.
Sick.
Betrayed.
But content in a deceived way.
It's gonna hurt for a bit of time.
Except the pain doesn't stop.
She doesn't see an end to it.
The only end would be Peter being here alive.
"Boy or girl?"
"Seriously Michelle?" she questions raising her eyebrow at her before smirking "I never got to do that"
"I know"
You find another and you'll be just fine
"I can't believe it, how do you feel?"
"Confused but content…" she trails off with a small smile glancing down to her hand; her left hand to be precise "Would Peter be happy for me?"
"I don't know babe but I reckon if you're happy then he will be too, wherever he is"
"Yeah...maybe"
It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?
Whatever way.
Her or Peter…
Her or…
It started out with a kiss.
She questioned
How did it end up like this?
"You look beautiful…"
"You think?"
"I know" Michelle smirks bouncing the small child on her lap "How do you feel?"
"Like a bride"
That was a scary thought.
Changing her name once more to something other than Carla Barlow.
The last bit of Peter in her...that was scary.
Would it be worth it?
Fate.
She would just have to see, wouldn't she?
When you're in my arms.
But you've gone somewhere deeper.
At times like this, it was what they should have had before.
Somehow it felt wrong.
She felt wrong.
Doing this even if she was on the spectrum of happiness.
It's not about control.
Or is it?
Did she need to control this situation to replace all other thoughts with the thoughts of Peter to make her feel better?
She didn't know.
When she thought about it...she would never know because right now…
She doesn't know herself anymore.
But right now?
She felt happy and when she thought about it…
Peter would be happy for her, for putting her happiness first even if in the depths of her soul it felt wrong.
Fall to my hands and knees on the floor.
It was once again the thoughts of him.
A hand was placed on her back and she turned around and cried, her hands shaking.
"Everything will be ok"
"Will it?"
No one knew whether it would be ok.
They just had to hope that it would and somehow hope seemed better than not hoping because at least she had something to hold onto.
All you had to do was stay
But he couldn't do that.
She remembered how close it was and how close he became to being alive once more but…
It didn't happen.
The world had this planned for them.
But with him gone, she was given a new life to focus on.
A part of him and a part of her.
God help them.
Or not?
Because that was what was worth it in life.
When we go crashing down we come back every time.
Except this time they didn't.
It was full of emptiness.
A lifetime full of it.
All the things they could have done together.
All the things they would have done together.
All the things they didn't get to do together.
That was what hurt.
Maybe more so than the fact that he was gone and he wasn't coming back.
Only if he could.
"Once upon a time, there was a superhero named Peter…"
Another made-up story of one's father.
Keeping the dream alive.
Keeping what they had alive.
You can hear it in the silence
Popcorn in hand.
DVDs in the case.
Into the TV.
"Is that him?"
"Yeah that's daddy" she smiles down at her child kissing them on the head
"Do you miss him?"
"Everyday"
The only thing which didn't feel like a lie.
Missing Peter would always be there.
Even when they were not together for those few years she missed him.
And now there was never getting that back.
So it's going to be forever?
Not this time.
Never again.
"You're allowed to be sad"
"You reckon?" she questions with a small smile "All my life seems to be is full of sadness, regrets, guilt even…"
"Guilt?"
"Yeah" she nods "For not trying hard enough to save him"
She couldn't have if she tried.
Everything seemed so warped and confusing.
How was she supposed to move on when Peter was on her mind all the time?
I used to think that we were forever
She laughed.
It just wasn't meant to be.
She knew that...