This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending
Death.
It was an interesting concept.
One which could cause pain.
One which could cause upset.
Freedom.
She craved it.
She also craved Peter
I feel as if I'm wasting
"When's mummy coming back, I miss her?"
"I don't know sweetheart" Michelle assures the child, placing her arm around the small shoulders which were present
No hope, no love, no glory
No nothing.
Nothing was there anymore.
All she wanted was a little bit of love.
No one could provide that for her.
She felt so alone.
She wanted to feel free.
Every day she questioned whether Peter felt free.
Her mind conjuring up all sorts of scenarios in her head.
It concluded with a wish.
There was no happy ending.
No happy ending
"Today you're going to be five!" she beams, she was ever so ready "Happy birthday sweetheart and remember mummy always loves you"
One done.
Another one to go.
I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Reacquainting herself with her surroundings would always be cosy with a mix of nauseating feelings.
Was she convinced she was doing the right thing when she knew that Peter was watching over?
All she wanted was to end it all and that was understandable right?
Her face was hot and sticky from all the tears.
The end was here and she knew it just like Peter knew it even though she had the choice this time.
Peter didn't get a choice.
She needed him.
And I know eventually we'll be together
She needed him.
She wanted him.
She needed to feel relief.
The city never sleeps tonight
She will be though.
Her choice.
So she thought.
Or influential behaviour of an unknown power.
Peter.
Except that was known to her.
Another thing which was her own doing.
I don't ever want to let you down
She felt as if she let everyone down.
Her family.
Her children.
Herself.
And Peter.
I know everything will be alright
It will be when she finally gets to Peter.
Everything was going to be worth it.
The aching pain in her body was going to be worth it.
She was going to be worth it.
She will feel worth it if she does this.
I'll be here waiting
Tick.
Tock.
Goes the clock.
Waiting for the go-ahead, the cool tiles searing through her body.
I just need…
Time
She didn't know how much time she had.
She wanted to go back in time to when Peter was there.
She was damaged.
Running scared.
More importantly, she would never get better, she knew that even more so than the professionals.
Carla knew her own body.
This was her decision and no one was going to take that away from her.
Some things we don't talk about
They'd be able to talk about it all now.
All the things they should have spoken about they would be able to do that now.
Relief.
That was when she realised she could feel relief from those thoughts.
The thoughts which hounded and haunted her.
The thoughts that Peter could only get rid of.
At least she could be with him now.
You can never say never
Never in a million years.
Never.
She never thought she would be here in this position once more.
Third time's a charm.
She thought.
Younger now than we were
Maybe it would be different up there with him
Maybe they would be younger than they were
Maybe they would be able to create a future once again
That was when she realised that all these maybes were just…
Maybes...
Don't let me go
"Please, don't let him go!" she cries over his body, the sobs shuddering themselves out of her body
"Time of death: 1:14am"
She had to let him go.
One last time
There were no more times.
That hurt.
But the last time she saw him.
That was love.
He says look up
She never saw him though, that was another thing she had to contend with.
All she wanted was her husband back.
She was so in love right now.
A love that would no longer be filled.
We'll laugh until we think we'll die
The good times.
It even made her laugh as she sat with the two bottles of spirits in front of her lined up and ready to go.
She remembered the good times.
The times that she would never get back.
At least now she would be with Peter to have a life with him once again.
You have still got the memories of us
It's never enough though.
It would never be enough.
Maybe it was greedy wanting more?
Just another...maybe…
Oh don't leave me alone like this
"You're in denial"
"I just want him back, in my mind he's so alive"
"That's not healthy and you know it"
"Good"
Good times we had return to haunt me
They always did
Whenever she didn't want them to
Only if there was a way to recreate them
There was.
When the rain is blowing in your face
Her hair was damp, not because she was outside.
She heard the rain lashing against the window panes.
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
She knew Peter was begging her not to go ahead with it.
She just wanted him back
And the only way she could go back to him would be the inevitable.
He would say: "Think of the children"
Even though one of them wasn't his.
But she couldn't.
Ever since Peter had passed away she became fixated on him and him only.
Somehow having the children heightened that.
Heightened her need for him because she thought she couldnt do it alone.
Hold me like I'm more than just a friend
She just wanted him to hold her.
One more time.
She just needed him to do that to make her feel safe.
What if I never love again?
How does one love again when they have lost so much?
Her last relationship ended in disaster.
Her child, now living with her ex-husband.
The other being looked after by Michelle.
She wasn't capable and she did the right thing, she was convinced.
Putting her children first, giving them the best life they could have away from her.
She knew Peter would be disagreeing with her decision as he would say that she was capable even if she didn't feel it.
It was the right thing to do.
Maybe not for her children.
But for her.
She wasn't in a fit state to look after them both.
Emotionally exhausted, drained and tainted from Peter's death.
I forgive you
"I'm sorry" she cries into her hands, he places his hand on her arm and brings her in for a hug "I couldn't do it without you"
"I know" he whispers, kissing her on the forehead, "I know…"
"Are you disappointed in me?"
"I will never be disappointed in you" he assures her causing her to cry more "I'll keep you safe baby, I will"
Anger, love you're always in my heart you live on
"Carla?"
"Carla?"
She calls and she calls but nothing.
"Carla!"
Once again nothing.
Doc I think she's crashing out
"Hold on sweetheart, come on dont do this now" Michelle begs holding Carla's hand which was stone cold
But she knew it was too late.
Carla's cold and clammy skin with a silky paleness; she was gone.
That was the end.
Only twenty minutes to sleep
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
But you dream of some epiphany
"Time of death: 1.15am"
"No!" Michelle screams, her knees buckling to the floor
One minute after Peter.
Not one before.
Not the exact same time.
This was Carla's time to leave this world.
Leaving her children and leaving her family.
No other sadness in the world would do
They say the world takes all the good people
They say that God takes the people who they need more.
They also say that when God gives you lemons you make lemonade.
But for Carla, she's gone and there was no bringing her back.
There was no bringing her back.