AN: Soooooo, that was a long break. I guess one could say that it's been a while*cough*. To be honest, I needed a break. I didn't really know how much I needed one until I had one. And then my inspiration hit a new low, together with my motivation. I think my personal life just got more exciting and more stressful at the same time and my actual time to write was reduced to a minimum. My promise is still there, I intent to finish my stories, all of them, and right now, at least my muse seems to be back, flooding me with inspiration. If only my day had 30 hours to give me enough time to earn money, have a private life, sleep AND write... I apologize for not updating frequently anymore and I appreciate everyone who hasn't jumped off that boat of these stories. Thank you, so much.
I hate hate hate hate mornings. In general. Today was an epically rough one, so I hate this morning even more. With quivering legs that are barely holding me upright, I stand in front of the main building of Harvard law school, and I am most definitely not ready for my first day back in school. It feels unnecessary, too. After the maniac went on a killing spree – the thought of it still causes a shiver down my spine – the school closed for ten whole days, only to open its doors again two boring days before Christmas break. And, while the logic and rationally thinking parts of my brain understand that many classes have been canceled, and that professors and students are behind on this semester's schedule, I cannot find it in me to care. Mainly because I have not slept a single minute last night, too scared of the nightmares and too alone in my bed in my parents' house. I assume you can get used to not sleeping alone fairly quickly. But getting reacquainted with the feeling of sleeping alone takes forever.
Teddy stops next to me and hands me the coffee to go cup she got from the coffee cart a couple of feet away. She studies my face and asks, "Are you okay?" Sure. Aside from the rising panic I can feel, I am okay. Right? I should be okay. "You don't look good, Arizona. Do you want me to call someone to pick you up? Or Callie? I can call Callie for you if you want me to?"
"No", I answer and shake my head for different reasons. One, I am not okay. Two, I need to push through this. I refuse to let the bad dreams interfere with my day-to-day life. It is bad enough that those f-ing dreams have not disappeared and that I have to make due of my promise about getting help. And three, I cannot call Callie. She started filming her new movie a couple of days ago, her mornings start early, and her nights end late. So late, that I barely get to talk to her in the evening. "I can do this", I finally say, trying to convince Teddy and even more, myself.
"Call me if you need anything and I'll be there before you can say 'I don't want to be a law student', okay?", my best friend laughs, takes the last gulp of her coffee and dumps the empty cup into the nearby trashcan, before the distance between us starts growing. It is alarming how fast Teddy can drink her coffee, and even more how much coffee she drinks throughout her day.
Still, she is the most awesome friend I have. She drops me off and picks me up from the airport every time I ask. She's been by my side yesterday when the stitches in my leg were removed and even though I feel like I crushed her hand in mine, she didn't even wince once. And this morning, she picked me up from my parents' house so I didn't have to walk through the cold. I do feel lucky. I have two very amazing women in my life, one is my best friend and the other one is the love of my life. A love so deep and pure, I had not seen it coming the way it did.
"Arizona! Good morning", Stephanie says when she catches up with me just as I reach the heavy doors of the main entrance. "Are you okay? I heard what happened to you and noticed you're limping and I thought, maybe you could need some help with… whatever it is." She has a bright smile on her face and a happy bounce in her step. "You know, I wasn't there that day, I was sick. Turns out I was lucky, I guess.
I'm am not up for small talk, at all. "I'm okay, thank you though", is my reply, even though I can feel the stress of entering the law school weighing heavy on my body and my mind. My hands are getting sweaty and suddenly I can hear the screams again, making me stop dead in my tracks. Why do I keep hearing them? I shouldn't. I should be over this by now. Get a grip, Robbins!
"So", she starts and I notice her hands fidgeting when she pauses right after the first word. "The tabloids are still full of Callie Torres dating you – even if nobody knows your name – but I can imagine she was done and over you after what happened here. After all, that would drag her even more into the press, wouldn't it?"
I honestly don't like the tone behind her words. It's a mocking sound laced with a mix of craziness and happiness. Just tell her to shut it, Arizona. "Look, Stephanie, even if that was the case, it really is none of your business. You barely know me, we haven't talked more than fifteen minutes even if you combine all our conversations. So what I do and who I see, who I talk to and who I let close to me, it's nothing you should be worried about." Hoping that she didn't take my words as a confirmation, I enter the lecture room and find a seat in the middle so I can blend in. A few minutes later Stephanie comes in, her face full of anger as she walks past me to the back of the room. Soon after more students scatter into the room and before Professor Bailey dumps the paperwork on top of the front desk, the auditorium is filled with people. Two days until Christmas break. You can do two days, A. But I really don't want to.
My stomach is in knots. Sitting through my first two classes was harder than I imagined it would be. Add to it a partner project where I got partnered up with Stephanie – of all people. I'm in my third class of the day and people are still staring at me. Staring. As in, I can feel their eyes on me. And I think they are talking behind my back. I don't know whether it is because of who I am dating or because I got shot. Maybe it's both or maybe I have pigeon shit on my hair. I really don't know. It's nagging and annoying, but at the same time, it is not the reason I am distracted. It is nothing compared to my mind playing tricks on me. A few minutes ago, I swear, I heard someone scream. My fingers were clenched tightly around the pen in my hand while I made sure that nothing was happening. Then there was a loud noise just outside the room and I was ready to duck and lie on the ground within a second. I don't think I was able to focus on anything law related for more than a few minutes each class. All I can think off is to just get out of here. And fast. Okay, let me rephrase that, I need to get out of here!
Hastily throwing most of my belongings into my backpack – and whatever doesn't fit I will just carry with my hands – I dart out of the room and into the nearest bathroom just in time before my stomach empties itself in the middle of the hallway. "Oh God", I groan, feeling another wave of nausea only seconds before it hits me, but it ends up being dry heaves. Practically hearing my mom's words, telling me it is better to get it all out, I wait for another twenty minutes until I pick myself up from the bathroom floor. Most likely not the cleanest floor to sit on, but the cold tiles under my hands help. And it was only a short way to the toilet bowl, just in case. I leave the stall and freshen up a little before texting Teddy that I am not meeting her for lunch. Nope. I am going home.
Outside the law building, I try to call Callie. I know I said I would not want to interrupt her, but I am certain that hearing her voice would actually help me to calm down. The fresh air helps, admittedly, but it is just not enough.
"Arizona?", she answers her phone, her voice a little more quiet than usually. "Are you okay?"
You did interrupt her shooting, A, you're so stupid. "I'm sorry I called, I can hang up if you need to get back to shooting a scene or something", I quickly say. So quickly, that some words slur into each other. But it is all I can get out before I feel a sob trying to make its way up into my throat. Don't cry in public, Robbins. You're stronger than that.
"You didn't, Arizona. And even if you had, don't worry about it. You are far more important than this." There is a moment of silence in which I take in her words and wipe away the tears that leaked. "Talk to me. What's wrong? Maybe I can help."
Torn between telling her what happened or to downplay it and make up a little white lie why I called, I decide to go with the truth and tell her the actual reason behind my need to talk to her. "I'm not okay. I thought I could do this, but I can't." One of the things I admire the most about Callie is that she is never judging me. She lets me talk and explain. She lets me choke back a few tears without commenting on it, not even saying that she had told me so.
"I am so sorry I cannot be there with you right now, Arizona. I wish I could just hold you and tell you that it will be alright and it will get better", she answers after letting me finish and cry a little, her voice sincere and calm. "You have to talk to someone. If you want me to, I can look for someone here and I can go with you, if you want me to."
Rasping out a meek "Thank you", I just sit there and let my breathing and heartbeat slow down and come back to normal. Brushing mindlessly through my hair, my eyes land on the entrance doors again. Just thinking about going back inside makes me sick all over again. "I don't know if I can keep going to classes, Calliope", I confess. My father will not like that. In fact, I know he will be disappointed. I will disappoint him.
"If that is the case, and you can't change it, it's okay. It is what it is. We'll figure it out, okay?" Despite her voice being even lower than before – it dawns on me that I have to let her go in a few seconds – I can hear the soft smile and the support in her words. "And maybe it is a sign. Maybe it's time for you to do what you want to do." Yeah, maybe it is, A. "I'm super sorry, Arizona, but I gotta go. They were rearranging some of the stuff on scene, so I kinda need to go. Will you be okay alone?"
"I will", I answer, not wanting her to put everything on a hold because of me. "We'll talk later?" Sounding too clingy for my own liking, I scrunch up my face, but the words are already out there. "I mean, can you call me when you have some time?" That didn't sound any better, Robbins. I actually want to slap my forehead.
"I will, baby. I love you."
And before I can reciprocate and tell her that I love her, too, the line goes dead. It leaves a tingle in my stomach when she calls me 'baby'. I have never been one to enjoy this certain term of endearment, but coming from Callie's lips, it makes me warm and happy inside. For a moment, I just sit there and take deep breaths, thinking of a place I could go. I cannot go home this early. Mom would immediately know something is wrong and talk to my father and the Colonel – as my dad nicely calls himself when he is being strict with us – would not appreciate me ditching school. On the other hand, I just want to go home and lie down. It probably doesn't matter. I really think that my time in law school is over.
Hearing the sound of a camera going off, my head jerks up and my eyes glare at the man hiding behind the lens. "What the heck are you doing?" Seriously? Seriously? Paparazzi on campus now? How did the paparazzi even find me? No one knows my name, we were very careful not give that out to anyone. No one knows where I live or what I do.
"Getting a thousand dollar shot of the woman dating Callie Torres", he says with a grin and takes some more pictures until he sees that his work is done and takes off.
Still not understanding how this even happened, I blink a few times. Should I call someone? The police, maybe? Still baffled, I start walking towards the exit of the campus. I don't know if I will come back, whether it's any time soon, nor if it is ever. But I begin to realize that Callie is right. Whatever it is, we'll figure it out.
Sitting in my room and avoiding my parents, I stare at the almost full page of written words for the update chapter I am working on. It's no secret that I am super behind on schedule. And it irks me. Up until a few months ago I used to update three to four times a week and people loved it because they didn't have to wait long to know what happened next. But then I started law school and soon after I met Callie, and my priorities simply changed. Right now though, it takes my mind off this morning's occurrences. In a weird way, it keeps me sane. Plus, I seem to have stumbled upon my slumbering muse, so everything just flows nicely.
I avert my eyes from the flashing cursor, lean back in my chair and stare at the ceiling, thinking about what I want to do with my future. At this moment, going back to law school feels like it is not even up for discussion. I could go into languages. They always fascinated me. I wasn't exactly a natural when I took Spanish in school, but no one says I'd have to go back to studying Spanish. Maybe a non-Romance language? Swedish, Danish or German? You could take up writers classes, A. No, that is just stupid, I don't want someone to tell me what and how to write. I just want to write. That's all I want to do.
Without realizing it, my eyes move to the nightstand where the script to my book still lies. Callie has the fancy version, the printed version with a cover and ad everything. The final script, the fully edited and proofread version is still safe in my nightstand. Don't you think that stretching out your feelers and trying to get an agent seems like a good idea all of a sudden, Arizona? "No, I can't", I say to myself. I cannot put myself out there like this. That book in there is my baby, and if no one wants it, if no one likes it, it's like you are told that your baby is ugly. Maybe you can, Arizona. Maybe you should just try. "No", I say again. This is ridiculous. And it's not going to happen.
So, what do you guys think?