Over the past four months I have lost count of how many times I boarded a plane to Miami or Los Angeles – and twice even to DC – to be with Callie for a few days, only to fly back and conceal how miserable I felt. I had a few good nights in a row, but the nightmares kept coming back and panic attacks sneaked up on me out of nowhere. At some point, I was too afraid of being in the dark by myself, that I slept with the desk light on all night. Eventually, I gave in and sought out a specialist for PTSD a couple of days after my second visit to DC. It took a few sessions with Dr. Bannister to finally open up. And as skeptical as I was before I started going to therapy, the more happy I am that I went. Frankly, my mood is still all over the place. I am good one minute and a second later, everything comes back and the fear catches me off guard. But I learned that getting better is a journey, and I am still traveling.
On top of that, my life has gone from simple to super-duper crazy basically over night. Since the first time my name and pictures were in the tabloids – and I can thank Stephanie for that – and even more so since the benefit gala in January, everyone knows who I am, knows what I look like. Some days it felt like I couldn't do a single step outside of my house without being photographed. Teddy started to pick me up at home or we just stayed in until the first wave of curiosity subsided.
Next on my list was convincing my father that I am mentally nowhere near ready to go back to any sort of school. Instead I looked for a part time job that I could do at home in front of my laptop. Don't get me wrong. I would have loved to work at a bookstore or something similar, but being seen and recognized by a ton of people isn't an option right now. In the end, I ended up with a job at Barnes & Nobles, working back in the office where my only friend was the coffee machine. It allows me to make enough money to save, pay my half of my flights and leave for Miami Thursday evening or Friday morning.
At home, my room is stacked with moving boxes, some full, some still empty. Yes, I officially started packing up my belongings to move to Miami and in with Callie. I know it's fast, and I would be lying if I would say that I didn't have my concerns. After all, it sounds like the gay stereotypical u-hauling, but this is what I want. What we want. The big day is only four weeks away and I can hardly wait. The university in Miami has an amazing program for English studies and creative writing, which I will start this summer. I also made up my mind about German as a side subject. German is supposed to be a tough language for native English speakers, but I am up for a new challenge.
I have to say, the Miami sun is always a nice change to the often rainy weather in Boston. Don't get me wrong, I love Boston. My parents created a home for us in Boston. But the frequent days spent in the sun did wonders to my usual alabaster skin. Yes, I have a watch tan, and tan lines in other places. You only have to get used to the heat, A. It's an oddly hot day for the beginning of May. And the humidity is through the roof.
Typing in the code at the front door's security lock to Callie's – and soon to be our – loft, I quietly step inside and close the door behind me. The AC is already blowing and my body starts acclimatizing immediately. It's crazy how fast I started sweating on the short distance between the car and the loft.
Once I put my luggage down, I ruffle through my curls – noticeably shorter since my stop at the hairdresser's salon yesterday – making myself a little presentable. Callie has not seen my new haircut yet, so I am anxious how she reacts once she realizes that my curls now end just a little below my shoulders. My entire core is jumping with excitement. Not only will Callie and I have the next three days all to ourselves, I have also made a very important decision and I cannot wait to tell her. Realizing that my girlfriend is talking to someone, I straighten my shirt one last time, I also strain my ears. It's hard to tell whether she is on the phone or not, never mind what she's saying. Starting to move towards the sound of her voice until I can't help but stop dead in my tracks, not wanting to believe what I am hearing.
"No Addie, that's not it... It's like I told Mark already, I simply don't want Arizona to move in with me."
The repetition of what I already thought I heard brings me back down to earth. You knew it felt too good, Arizona. Dreams don't come true. Tears instantly form, threatening to topple over the brim of my eyes. How could she do this to me? Why now, a few weeks before I am supposed to move in?
"Yeah, I'll promise I'll talk to her, Addie. She'll understand. She has to. And maybe you can give me Sharon Baxter's number. Hopefully she is as good as you say. I'll see you next Wednesday for your birthday brunch, okay? Bye."
I still haven't moved an inch. But when Callie ends the call and our eyes meet, I feel anger rise inside me. "I will understand what? That my girlfriend doesn't want to move in with me? Excuse me, that she doesn't want me to move in with her. Because there is Sharon Baxter and Sharon is supposed to be good? Good at exactly what? And why the heck do Mark and Addison already know? What about me? Shouldn't I deserve to know first? Or can I just be tossed aside like garbage?" Well, fuck you, Callie. Now, I would never say those words to her. My mother and my father raised me better than that, and I was taught not to say such nasty words to people. But that doesn't mean that I cannot think them.
Her right arm reaches out to touch me but I pull back before her fingers come in contact with my skin. A perfect mix of hurt and shock washes over the brunette's face and through my teary eyes I believe I can see the watery shimmer in hers. "That's not-"
"NO! You don't get to cry!", I interrupt her. The dam breaks and tears are falling freely down my cheeks. "You told me you love me. You where the one that asked me to move in with you when I got accepted at Miami's university. You-" I can't keep going. My head is spinning and my chest aches. Never before have I felt a love as deep as this and the realization that I have been nothing but a fling to Callie Torres cuts like a knife. You are so stupid, Robbins. So naive.
"Arizona..." Her voice is timid and insecure in a way that I have not heard before. Kind of – in lack of a better word – flat. Dark chocolate brown orbs focus on me and I can't help but gulp at the intensity of her gaze. God, why are her eyes so riveting? "Can I talk now?"
A shrug of my shoulders is all I am willing to give her at first, still wiping away my tears with the back of my hands. My thoughts are going several miles a minute, from needing a new plane ticket to looking up university programs as far away from Miami as possible. "Just be honest with me. Don't lie to me and say that I misheard or that it's not what I think it is. I deserve that much before I leave", I tell her, averting my eyes. You're such a fool, Arizona. Biggest idiot on earth. Next to the big part inside me that feels like it is dying, the little bit of hope I have is not giving up that easily.
"You look really pretty." Giving me a faint smile, she pauses, probably waiting for a reaction from me, but I cannot give her one. Not now. "I will tell you everything, if you promise me not to freak out or run out on me before I am done, okay?"
Here goes nothing, Arizona. Callie is going to pop your pretty, pink bubble and you'll fall flat on your ass, hard. Nodding again, I await the bitter truth.
"Of course I want you to move to Miami, Arizona. I want to live with you and be able to fall asleep and wake up next to you every night. I am just not sure whether this is the perfect loft for that. Not because I don't want you here, but because I want you to feel at home here. Every time you're here, you are inhibited. You don't move around freely, you don't know what to do with yourself, when you were waiting for me. Can you honestly tell me that you won't feel like a guest here? Even when you have actually moved in? 'Cause frankly, I don't think it'll happen any time soon. Which is why I wanted to look for a place that could be ours, not just mine. And Sharon is one of Addie's friends, who is a real estate agent."
You are such an idiot, Arizona. I can see where she is coming from. I contributed nothing to the apartment. Essentially, everything would forever be hers. Her furniture, her decorations, the colors she chose to paint the walls with. "I had no idea", I admit, wiping away my last tears. I feel so stupid for jumping to conclusions like that. When will you get this into your head, A, Callie loves you. "I am a little embarrassed."
"It's alright", my girlfriend says as she hugs me. "But maybe next time, either don't eavesdrop on a conversation or ask what's it all about." Squeezing me just a little tighter, I relish in her perfume and the simple contact.
I can hear in her voice that she is not mad, which really makes her the better person. If the roles were reversed, I would most likely be disappointed in a mistrust like that. Inhaling her smell again, I finally, quietly say, "I hope you can forgive me."
Pulling out of the hug, deep brown orbs stare at me questioningly. "There is nothing to forgive here, Arizona. It was a misunderstanding. It could just as easily have been avoided on my part, had I talked about it with you sooner. It just all happens so fast that I am not even sure we can find a suitable place for us before you move to Miami. The bottom line is, I want us to find a place together. A place where both of us will feel at home." She pauses, her stare only intensifying. I can see that she is contemplating her next words. "The true crime is that I didn't get a kiss yet."
Before I have a chance to even comprehend her words, I am drawn back to her, my body colliding with hers as our lips finally meet. I know I say this all the time, but I cannot get enough of her lips on mine. Or on my body, in general. It just feels so magical, like being moved to another realm that doesn't exist on earth. The kiss quickly heats up and a moment later, my girlfriend's fingers are tugging on my shirt.
"Bedroom?" The question is a whisper against my lips, but who am I to say no?
Making our way through the apartment and leaving a trail of clothes behind us as we go, Callie masterfully guides us without bumping into any furniture or walls. With the shades down to block out the sun, we're safe from any curious looks. Once inside, she pushes me against the door and starts stripping me of the rest of my clothes. "I have a surprise for you... or us", Callie says with a mysteriously mischievous undertone.
A wave of confusion washes over me as I start equalizing our state of nakedness. "What is it?", I ask between kisses, but my answer is of no words. Instead, Callie maneuvers us towards the bed and pushes me onto the mattress. "Callie?" I watch her every move. Rummaging through her bedside table after putting her hair into a messy bun that still leaves strands on each side of her face, she finally turns towards me. In her right hand she has a deep blue silicon dick and from her left index fingers dangles the harness in a matching color. My eyes widen and I can hear myself swallowing down the lump that begins to form in my throat. "Who... uhm... who's gonna wear this?"
Crawling onto the bed and placing both items next to the pillow, Callie straddles me. "You never really answered my question whether you have used one before or not. This was a very impulsive purchase, and we don't have to do anything with it tonight, but eventually", she says and leans down to put her mouth right next to my ear, to rasp "I would like to fuck you with it."
Did it just get hotter in here? Or is it just my nerves getting the better of me. Fearing that I will be breaking into a sweating mess any moment, I try to clear my head. Am I okay with it? Am I repulsed by the idea? It would still be Callie you're doing it with, Arizona. "I have never used one before", I answer honestly, "Not on me, not on anybody else." Would it hurt? No dummy, it's not like you're a virgin. "I am not against using it", I say slowly, feeling her eyes on me. On the contrary, it sounds really really hot.
"But you're not totally up for it either, Arizona. And that's okay. I would never force you to do anything and I would never want you to do anything you're not one hundred percent comfortable with." Soothing her right palm down my side while her gaze never leave mine. "You know that, right?" Lifting of my legs, she flops down next to me and turns me onto my side. "I love you."
"I love you, too." It doesn't take long after that before our lips crash into each other again and tongues meet in excitement. Her left hand moves up to bury itself in my hair as we continue making out until oxygen becomes a necessity. This time, I don't go in for another round, but instead, I move atop her and start kissing her neck and down her collar bone. Her breathing hitches when I find my way down her sternum and eventually to her protruding nipples. Taking one into my mouth, I lightly suck on it, circle it with my tongue, flick it every now and then.
Her hand is once again in my hair, trying to keep me in place. Her moaning intensifies with each flick until she can't stand it anymore and pushes me off. "You don't think you are in charge, do you?" Pinning me down with my hands above my head, Callie grinds into me, literally rubbing herself on my leg. "Fuck."
Fuck indeed. This is a view I will never get used to but could watch all day long. I just really wish I could touch her. It's no use though, her grip on my hands is steady. So all I can do is look as her face contorts into pleasure and my leg gets wet from her arousal. Her eyes avert to the appendage lying next to us, her teeth dig into her bottom lip and I can only imagine what she is picturing in her head. It's not like you haven't thought about it, A. "You really want to use the strap-on on me, don't you?" Just the thought of eventually using it on her gets me so wet. Pausing her movement, Callie nods, her eyes a shade darker and clouded with pleasure. "Well, I think I am up for that."
Abruptly, she jumps off me, which makes me giggle. The brunette reaches for the harness and – as if she had done it a thousand times before – straps it on herself. "How does it look?", she asks, fastening the fabric around her hips.
I cannot help but bite my lower lip, having to admit that it looks hot, burning hot. "Uh huh", is all I can say and it makes her chuckle in return. Hot, damn. I cannot take my eyes off of her, watching her attaching the rubber toy and making sure it's secure. Thinking she would get on the bed again, I tilt my head to the side when I see her heading towards the en-suite bathroom.
Emerging with the words, "Better safe than sorry", and a black bottle – of what I assume is lube – in her right hand, she finally kneels onto the bed. "Nervous?"
Too transfixed on her body and the additional package, it takes me a moment to shake my head. I was nervous before, now my horniness has the upper hand of my emotions. Drawing her towards me, I seal her lips with mine and let my fingertips wander over her smooth skin on its own accord. "Slow, okay?"
"Of course", she agrees, her hand moving between my legs, feeling for the wetness pooling there. "Maybe a little lube?"
I couldn't agree with her more. After all, we don't want my first experience of her fucking me like that to turn into a bad memory. Staring with both of my eyes wide open – in anticipation, not in shock – as Callie applies a good amount of lube first on the rubber and then smooths her wet fingers inside me, I twitch a little at the sudden cold contact.
"Ready?"
"Mhmm", I moan, still feeling her fingertips stroking my inner walls. I am so ready.
The gorgeous Latina gets more comfortable between my legs, pushing my thighs apart a little more to make room for herself. "If it hurts, tell me and I'll stop. I want this to feel good for you."
The room falls silent around us, the only thing that can be heard are our ragged breaths. "I trust you", I reassure her, figuring that she must be just as nervous. "And I know you would never intentionally hurt me. Well, why didn't you remember that when you overheard her conversation on the phone, Arizona. Shut up, brain. It's a new sensation feeling the rubber toy glide inside me. Callie moves slow, seems like it's only a couple of inches at a time before giving me a moment to adjust. "I won't break."
"It's called a build up", she teases back and places her hands on each side next to my head to support herself. "I don't know about you, but from my position, this is amazing."
Amazing doesn't even cut it. Feeling her going deeper with every move forward is indescribable. I never knew it could be like this. Her hips meets mine and I know she's all the way inside me. "Fuck", I breathe out, looking up into those dark chocolate orbs right above me.
Peppering my lips with light kisses, she asks in between, "Are you okay?"
"Stop asking and keep moving", I order, tangling my fingers in the bun of messy curls and pull her down to kiss her passionately. Lifting my legs to rest them on her buttocks, I inadvertently give her even more room and suddenly, the toy is at least another inch deeper inside me. "Oh God."
Callie doesn't have to be asked twice and starts with a slow rhythm. Soon enough though, her hips are rocketing back and forth, pulling the toy almost all the way out only to push it back in a second later. Limited in my movement, all I can do is take what the brunette dishes out and it's so good, I don't want her to stop.
"Please", I beg. "Faster." Two of the very few words my brain can form right now as she keeps fucking me into the mattress. At one point, she lowers herself down the her forearms, her hips essentially being the only part of her body that keeps humping. "I'm close", I whimper, knowing it won't take a lot longer for me to reach my peak.
Lifting one arm, Callie snakes her hand between our bodies, her fingertips finding my clit within seconds.
"Fuck, Callie!" It's my breaking point. I start screaming out my orgasm and my legs begin to shake uncontrollably. Good thing there aren't any close neighbors. I think I even scratched her back a little. Oops. Wave after wave of aftershocks rocks through my entire body as Callie helps me right out every last ounce of my climax.
When I finally stop, she slowly slips out and sits down on her own calves, her chest heaving with every deep breath she takes and the toy sticking out and shining with my arousal. "You're so hot, Arizona. I could fuck you like this for hours."
"I need a minute... or ten", I rasp out, my throat dry from screaming and having my mouth open for so long. "But I am definitely not against another round." And the big smile forming on her face is enough motivation for me to regroup as quickly as possible.
So, I hope you liked it.