Chapter 7:Dino Crisis Train
I don't own any crap unless I say it's mine,get it through your skull.
A high grade military boat roared through the prehistoric waters towards a strange island. Regina (orange hair, purple suit with black vest), Dylan (blonde, pale Green suit with black vest), Rick (black skin and hair, purple t shirt and pants with black vest), Gail (white hair, white t shirt, urban camo pants and green vest), and David (brown hair,white muscle shirt, forest camo pants with suspenders and cowboy hat) were in the control booth.
"We'll reach the island in 30 seconds." Rick said.
"Thanks, we would be caught completely off-guard if it wasn't for you Rick." Regina said while applying lipstick while looking at a mirror.
"Didn't you 2 die?" David asked.
"We achieved the good ending at the end of the first Dino Crisis. We both survived, Kirk didn't." Gail said.
Dylan cleaned his shotgun.
"Reach the island in 3, 2, 1-" Rick said before the boat shook violently.
Regina smeared her lipstick all over her face. David was thrown violently around the room. Dylan blew out the window with his shotgun.
"There. We're here." Rick said,laying on the floor while raising his hand up.
"Damn it, My make-up is smeared again." Regina said.
There was a loud bang on the door.
"What is it?" David asked, shivering.
"I dunno. Maybe a DINOSAUR?" Regina said sarcastically.
"Enough! David, open the door on my signal. Everyone else, weapons ready, fire on my command." Gail said.
Regina pulled out her Handgun, Rick had his M16, Gail equipped his MP5, and Dylan pumped his shotgun. They all aimed at the door. David grabbed the latch. The scene showed a close-up of all their faces, as well as Regina's breast. Gail pointed at David, signaling him to open the door. David threw the door open, revealing a short green Pteranodon.
"La La loo!" It said.
Seconds later it's head exploded into a fountain of blood, spurred by Dylan's shotgun. Everyone looked at him.
"What? I thought that was the signal." He said.
Minutes later, everyone was out on the shore.
"I didn't know Pteranodons went 'la la loo'." David said.
"They don't! They must have learned to talk or some shit like that!" Rick said, typing on his wrist computer.
"Alright. David, you stay here and guard the boat." Gail said.
"Right o rooni!" David said, saluting.
"And don't use the time drive as a tanning bed again!" Gail yelled in David's face.
"Yessiree." David said.
"Now lets get out there and find Dr. kirk!" Gail said, pointing into the jungle.
"I thought Dr. Kirk was dead." Regina said.
"Oh...Then lets find the...magic...train...of time!" Gail made up.
"This is gonna be a long mission." Dylan said.
The team went into the jungle. Dylan was slicing vegetation out of the way with his Machete.
"If my hair gets ruined one more friggin time.." Regina said to herself.
"How much further to the magic train?" Rick asked.
"Oh uhh, Keep heading North!" Gail said, pointing South.
"Sir, I think you just made that train thing up." Dylan said, chopping a plant.
"What makes you say that?" Gail asked.
"Mainly because my objective screen says 'Reach Third Energy Reactor'." Dylan replied, pointing to the caption above them.
"My god! Someones been hacking our objective screen!" Gail gasped.
"Sir, theres no one else here that could do that." Rick said.
"I'll fix that!" Gail said.
He jumped up at the caption and tore it down. He rearranged the letters like this;
"Rech (sideways E)agic train"
"Sir, theres a lot of spelling errors in there." Rick pointed out.
Suddenly, Dylan accidentally chopped off the tail of Ermaraptor. It screeched in pain and the crew screamed. Dylan slashed at it's throat. It fell to the ground and Dylan chopped it up with his machete. Blood splashed all over his face.
"Well...I'm sure thats the only serious threat we'll encounter." Gail said.
Then a Larger green Pteranodon landed near them.
"Hello." It said.
Gail and Rick screamed and Jumped into Regina's arms. She dropped them to the ground and Dylan pinned the Pteranodon to a tree with his Anti-tank gun.
"I just wanted to invite you to lunch." It said weakly before Dylan shot it in the head.
"My god, they can talk! How the hell did they learn to do that?" Rick asked.
"Maybe they used 'Baby can read'." Dylan suggested.
"Alright, lets get to the train." Gail said.
The team progressed through the jungle. Meanwhile, back at the boat, David opened a can of beer.
"Damn, I wish they would bring back MADtv." He said before taking a sip.
"I second that." A small orange T-rex that suddenly appeared next to David said.
David screamed and held his arms in front of his face as he fell down.
"Don't eat me! I'm just a chef!" David screamed.
"I'm Buddy. What's your name?" The T-rex asked.
"Your not gonna eat me?" David asked.
"I only eat fish. And other species occasionally." Buddy muttered.
"Oh, I'm David." David said.
A small Green Pteranodon and a Cyan one flew down to the beach.
"AAAHHHH! Don't eat me!" David screamed as he fell down again.
"Don't worry. These are my sisters, Tiny and Shiny." Buddy said.
"Is he the one we're going to have for dinner?" Shiny asked before Tiny elbowed her in the gut.
"Your sisters are Pteranodons?" David asked.
"I was adopted by them." Buddy said.
"T-rexes can be adopted?" David asked.
"We also have a brother named Don. But we haven't seen him lately." Tiny said.
"What does he look like?" David asked.
"He's green and likes to say 'la la loo'." Tiny said.
David's eyes shrank. He glanced at the control booth of the boat. The rotting corpse of the Pteranodon was being devoured by the boat's rats.
"Nope, haven't seen him." David lied.
"Would you like some fish?" Buddy offered.
"Sure, I love tuna." David said.
The young dinosaurs led David back to their nest. Meanwhile...
Dylan punched the face of the captured Troodon. It was restrained by Gail. For some odd reason, it wore a conductor's hat and Vest.
"Are you ready to talk freak?" Dylan hissed.
"Why are you doing this?" The Troodon asked, crying.
Dylan punched him in the face again. Several of his teeth flew out along with massive amounts of blood. Regina sat in a chair. Her hair under one of those things they have in hair salons, reading a Rachael Ray magazine. Rick was playing on his Nintendo DS.
"Because you most likely know the location of the magic train!" Dylan yelled.
"What? You mean the Dinosaur train?" The Troodon said.
Dylan was about to punch him again before Gail stopped him.
"The train! Where is the train!" Gail yelled.
"It's by the station." The Troodon said before Dylan punched him again.
"Where is the station!" Gail hissed.
"That way!" The Troodon said, pointing.
"See? I told you there was a magic train!" Gail said.
"Please don't kill me! I have a family to support!" The Troodon cried.
"Alright buddy, your free to go." Gail said, letting him go.
"Thank you so much. I don't know what my wife would do if-" The troodon started in tears before Dylan blew his head off with his shotgun.
"Dylan! What the hell?" Gail yelled.
"What? We got what we wanted out of him." Dylan said.
"Fine, lets go." Gail said.
Regina took off her hair thing, revealing her new beehive style hair. They moved further down the forest. Suddenly, David jumped out of the foliage.
"Hi guy-" David started before he got his arm blown off by, you guessed it, Dylan's shotgun.
"Sorry. Thought you were a dinosaur." Dylan said.
"What the hell are you doing here? I ordered you to remain at the boat!" Gail hissed.
"I met some friendly dinosaurs. They want to meet you." David said.
"You fraternized with the enemy!" Gail hissed, holding his MP5 to David's throat.
"Actually sir, these dinosaurs don't seem all that hostile." Rick pointed out.
"The one you shot was actually the brother of one of the friendly ones." David pointed out.
"And that troodon that Dylan executed begging to live for his family's sake." Regina spouted.
"Hey, they both had it coming!" Dylan hissed.
"And the Pteranodon that you pinned who invited us to lunch." Rick added.
"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! The dinosaurs might not be all that evil after all!" Gail yelled.
"Good! Now lets go meet our new friends." David said.
The happy Cowboy lead the team back to the Pteranodon nest. Buddy, Tiny, Shiny, and their mother were waiting there.
"Hello, David told us all about you." Buddy said.
"My God, it knows our names!" Dylan said as he raised his shotgun, But David pressed it down.
"So your not gonna eat us?" Rick asked.
"Of course not. We never eat our new friends." Buddy said, crossing his claws behind his back.
"You guys have any hair spray? My new look is getting damp." Regina asked.
"We were sent here by our government to locate a magical train. A friendly Troodon told us about it." Gail said.
"You must of met the Conductor. He's one of our best friends too." Buddy said.
"What a shame, because I-" Dylan started before Gail elbowed him in the gut. "Shit."
"You got here in time for our big celebration." The mother said.
"For what?" Gail asked.
"For our massive feast." Tiny said.
All of the humans except David got looks of fear in their faces.
"Don't worry guys, they don't mean us. They mean the fish." David said.
"Oh and I forgot to mention. We also have Human meat for dessert!" Buddy said, bearing his teeth.
"Don't worry guys, Buddy's just playing-" David said before he turned around and saw that the others fled. "Oh well, more us right?"
"Right." Buddy said as he lunged at and bit David's groin. David let out a loud scream and fell over as Buddy devoured him.
The rest of the team ran through the jungle.
"Damn it, I told you they were hostile!" Gail yelled.
"I knew I shouldn't have worn my High heels." Regina said.
"I think they're gaining on us!" Dylan said.
"No worries." Regina said.
She pulled out her Firewall sub-weapon and laid a barrier of fire behind them. "There, they'll never catch us now."
Then Tiny, Shiny, and Their mother dove at them from the sky. Tiny swooped past Regina's head, ruining her hair.
"You...Little...FUCKERS!" Regina yelled.
She pulled out her dual submachine guns and fired them while spinning around, peppering the sky with bullets. Tiny, Shiny and their mother fell down to the earth, riddled with bullet holes. Buddy caught up with the team and gazed upon the bodies.
"My family...NOOOO!" He screamed as he transformed into a full grown T-Rex.
"Awww shit." Gail said.
The Team continued running, Buddy in hot pursuit. Soon they saw a Train station in the distance. A train sat in front of it.
"Look! The Magic train!" Rick yelled.
"This fag is never going to let us reach it." Regina said.
"You go on, I will hold him off." Gail said.
"Good." Dylan said.
"I know it will not be easy to leave your captain behind, but you must!" Gail added.
"Alright, will you get on with it now?" Regina asked.
"Remember me, the way I once was!" Gail added.
"Oh my god, just GO!" Regina yelled, tripping Gail.
Gail looked up and saw Buddy staring down at him. Buddy grabbed Gail by his legs with his mouth. Gail shot at him with his MP5, but it just bounced right off Buddy. Buddy swung Gail into a tree. His MP5 went flying and his back broke. He did this several times before throwing Gail up in the air and swallowing him on the way down. He fell into Buddy's stomach. David's head was also there.
Meanwhile, the team reached the station. A Troodon with a gray hat was in the engine car. Dylan aimed his shotgun through the window and blew his head off. They climbed in.
"Rick, you start the engine while Dylan and I clear the cars." Regina ordered.
"I'm a computer expert, not an engineer." Rick complained.
Regina and Dylan entered the first car. A small Troodon in a conductor's hat stood before them.
"You bastards killed my uncle!" It yelled.
It ran up to Dylan's leg and sunk his teeth into Dylan's foot. It barely hurt and Dylan was unfazed. He lifted his leg that the troodon latched onto. The Troodon slipped off and Dylan stomped on it continuously, spraying blood on his face.
"First car secured." Regina said.
They went into the next car. It held 3 cabins. Regina and Dylan stood at the sides of one and breached it. It was empty. They breached the next cabin. There was a Female Troodon crying. Dylan blew her head off with his shotgun. They breached the last cabin, which was empty initially. Dylan walked in and Microraptor leaped on his face.
"AAAAAHHHHH! Get it off! Get it off!" He yelled, flailing his arms about.
Regina swatted the Microraptor with her Stun Gun. It fell to the floor and She blew it apart with her Handgun. With all the cabins clear, they proceeded to the next car. Meanwhile, Rick was struggling to get the train started.
"Damn it. Why don't they have prehistoric computers?" He asked himself.
He grabbed a shovel and started shoveling coal into the boiler. The boiler was not lit yet so Rick pulled out his Bic lighter. He held it into the boiler and the second it came on, fire sprayed out from the boiler, covering Rick in ash. The Train started moving finally. It was a miracle Buddy hadn't caught up with them yet.
Regina and Dylan stood in front of a tall green T-rex like dinosaur. It was so tall, it fit out the roof. It roared at them, blowing back Regina's hair again. Her face turned red and she pulled out her dual SMGs. Before she fired a single bullet, The Dinosaur's head exploded into so much blood that both Regina and Dylan were covered in it. Regina looked at Dylan and saw his smoking rocket Launcher.
They moved to the last car. Dylan ran headfirst into a glass window. It turns out it wasn't a car, it was an aquarium. There was a young Pleiosaur in it.
"Jeez, these Dinosaurs are certainly well accommodated." Regina said.
The Pleiosaur reached it's long neck out of the water and grabbed Regina's arm. "Ewww, it's slobbering on me! Kill it!"
Dylan climbed to the top of the tank and equipped his Solid Cannon. He shot a ball of electricity into the water. The Pleiosaur and Regina were Electrified from the blast. The Pleiosaur went limp and Regina's hair stood up.
"No need to thank me." Dylan said.
"Who said I'm thanking you?" Regina said before she clubbed Dylan in the head with her stun gun.
"At least we cleared the train." Dylan said.
Then Buddy jumped on the aquarium, smashing it.
"Awww shit." Regina said before she and Dylan ran back into the car with the cabins.
"Don't worry. He can't get in here." Dylan said.
Then Buddy slammed down through the roof. "Shit!"
They ran back another car. Rick was waiting there, still covered in ash.
"Guys! What the hell is going on?" He asked.
"That little freak is on the train!" Regina yelled.
"But I thought Gex was on Vacation." Rick said.
"She means the frigging T-rex!" Dylan yelled.
"Oh shit! What do we do?" Rick asked.
"...I got it!" Dylan yelled.
Dylan kicked Rick on the floor and he and Regina ran into the engine car. They slammed the door shut. Rick looked up and saw Buddy, looking down at him with his huge teeth. Before Rick could even grab his M16, Buddy ate him, along with part of the floor. He slid into Buddy's stomach, next to Gail.
"You get screwed too?" Gail asked.
"Yeah. I can't believe they left me behind. What did I do to them?" Rick asked.
"Well you didn't do much actually. All you did was sit around, typing on a computer." Gail said.
"I was restoring the power!" Rick said.
"Yeah, right. How hard could it be to restore power?" Gail asked.
"It's not as simple as you think!" Rick said.
"Actually it is. Just flip the main power switch, check that the power source is working and bam, power restored." Gail said.
"It's nothing like that!" Rick yelled.
"You were probably watching reruns of All my Children or some crap like that." Gail said.
"Hey! That is a good show!" Rick yelled.
"It's just a bunch of endless drama." Gail said.
"Take that back you fuck!" Rick yelled.
Rick jumped at Gail. Gail threw David's head at Rick, which hit him in the face. Rick fell down and Gail tackled him and they started wrestling. Rick shoved his hand in Gail's face while Gail was trying to pull off Rick's ear with his hand. Gail punched Rick in the face. Rick threw Gail off and bit into his groin. Gail screamed.
Meanwhile, back on the dead Dinosaur train, Dylan blew off the coupling holding the engine car to the other cars, making them drift away. Regina and Dylan breathed a sigh of relief.
"So...How about a kiss for the hero?" Dylan asked.
"Ewwww. First off, your not the hero. I am. Second, never in a million years will I kiss that disease infested mouth of yours." Regina said.
"I could wear a condom on my mouth." Dylan said.
Before Regina could answer, a loud stomping sound was heard. They looked back and saw Buddy, sprinting towards them.
"He is one blood thirsty fruit loop." Dylan said.
"Stand aside. I'll handle this." Regina said.
Regina pulled out her Chain mine gun. She fired it, throwing 5 mines onto the track behind them. Buddy stomped on them, causing beautiful explosions. She blew away the smoke from it's barrel. Then she saw Buddy emerge from the smoke! Angry, she pulled out her Heavy Machine gun. She held down the trigger as it spewed big bullets at Buddy. They just bounced right off him, similar to Gail's MP5. She tossed it aside as she pulled out the one gun she hadn't used yet, The Missile Pod. With a single pull of the trigger, it fired 3 homing missiles. They hit Buddy one by one, making him recoil back and engulfing him in smoke.
Regina holstered the Missile pod. She turned away from Buddy and put her hands on her hips. Wind blew through her hair as the smoke in the distance grew. It was like one of those Victory scenes in Bomber Man Generations.
"Now whos the hero?" Regina asked Dylan.
"I think he is." Dylan said.
Regina turned around to see Buddy emerge from the smoke, still chasing them.
"Is he like a robot or something?" Regina asked.
"Looks like we have to execute plan 3." Dylan said.
"What! Are you crazy? I thought I told you never to use that unless it's an emergency!" Regina yelled.
"I think this is an emergency." Dylan said.
"Hell no, I won't permit it." Regina said.
"If you don't, your hair will be covered in his drool!" Dylan said.
Regina got a look of fear in her eyes.
"...Alright. Do it." She said.
Dylan pulled out a little red button and pressed it. Then, out of the sky, a small space ship zoomed above their train. A hatch on the side of it opened and 2 figures jumped to the train. One was a male in a black and white jumpsuit with brown hair. The other was a woman in a black and red jumpsuit with orange hair. They jumped down into the cabin with the others.
"Hi guys. It's nice to see you. We haven't been called for...you know what? You've never called us until now." The Man said.
"Yeah. It was cold and dusty in that ship. Me and Patrick just made out the whole time." The Woman said.
"Sonya, did anyone ever tell you that you look like Regina?" Dylan asked.
"Yeah, I got that a lot." Sonya said.
"Will you 2 failures stop chatting and kill that fucker!" Regina hissed.
"No prob." Patrick said.
Patrick and Sonya activated their jet packs and flew into the air. They fired at Buddy with their Heavy Vulcans. Patrick fired a Laser cartage at Buddy's long tail, slicing it off. Sonya deployed a juggernaut WASP, which was a small flying yellow device. It fired several energy blasts at Buddy, blinding his right eye.
"See? We're more useful than we look." Patrick said.
Buddy chomped on Patrick and Sonya while they were boasting. They slid into his stomach and were horrified to see Rick eating Gail's left arm. Gail's corpse sat in the corner, next to David's head.
"Ugggghhhhh. What the hell is wrong with you?" Patrick asked.
"I'm hungry. You guys want some?" Rick said, offering the arm.
"EEEwwww. Not after you took a bite out of it. I want a fresh piece." Sonya said.
Rick tore off Gail's other arm and gave it to Sonya, who started taking big bites out of it, splashing blood on her face.
"Can I eat his nuts? I love nuts." Patrick said.
"Sorry, I already ate them." Rick said.
Meanwhile back on the train, Buddy had almost caught up with the duo.
"Damn it,we hit him with everything we had." Dylan said.
"Not everything." Regina said.
"You mean?" Dylan asked.
"Yes, that method." Regina replied.
They both pointed their arms towards each other and shouted; "RESIDENT EVIL RIP OFF MODE!"
The Train they were on rose into the air. It glowed white and changed it's shape. When the light faded, the train had transformed into a UH-1 Huey. It turned to the side so it's open compartment faced Buddy. Regina and Dylan stood in it, both holding RPGs. They simultaneously fired their rockets, which flew in slow motion right into Buddy's head. His head exploded into blood and his decapitated corpse fell on the train tracks. Patrick poked his head through his neck.
"Hey guys, we're free! Guys?" Patrick asked.
He glanced back down into Buddy's stomach and saw Rick and Sonya, rolling around making love. "Oh well, might as well do something with this dead guy."
Patrick grabbed Gail's corpse and started making love to it. Meanwhile, the helicopter turned back into a train and shot through a tunnel.
"So...now can I have a kiss?" Dylan asked.
Dylan grabbed Regina around her back and by her ass. She whipped out her stun gun and swatted Dylan in the head with it. He fell down, stunned. Suddenly, the train shot through the exit to the tunnel and flew off a cliff. It spun and tumbled down, throwing Regina and Dylan around. When it finally landed, they were thrown from the vehicle. Regina looked around. They were in a meadow surrounded by large mountains. Trees and lakes could be seen in the distance.
"This doesn't look like 2011." She said.
"Hello." An Unknown voice said.
Regina and Dylan swung their guns towards the voice. They saw several small dinosaurs.
"I'm Littlefoot, what's your names?" The Brontosaurus asked.
Dylan and Regina lowered their guns and just looked at each other. Then they looked at the Dinosaurs and raised their guns again. The screen fades black as multiple gunshots are heard.
The end (until the next Dino crisis parody)