All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner. They include Legendary, Klonoa, Resistance,and others.
A man in a dark suit walked through the hallway of the New York museum. His name was Deckard, a profession art thief. He pulled out his PDA. He got several ads from Yahoo mail, which he deleted all. He looked at the map and found he was in the right area. He input the door's code on it's keypad and it didn't work.
"Fuck this." He said.
He elbowed the keypad and tore it's frame off.
"Hey you can't do that!" A voice said.
Deckard looked behind him and saw Dr. Right from Simcity. He held a pointer.
"You can not break a keypad and unlock it manually. You must find the code." He said.
"Who the hell are you? The Rule master of Video games?" Deckard asked.
"Yes actually." Dr. Right said.
Deckard snatched Dr. Right's pointer from his hand and stabbed it through his neck. Blood sprayed out from Dr. Right's neck as he fell to the floor, dead. Then he pushed these 2 wires on the keypad together and the door clicked. He opened and saw the thing he was after, A large golden box. Deckard went up to it and examined it. He got twittered from his phone, which told him to insert the piece he was given. He pulled it out, it was a small gold key with a red square in it.
"Who the hell owns this box? Mario?" He asked himself.
He inserted the key into the keyhole. A panel opened, revealing a hand icon.
"Place left hand here." It said.
"Something tells me I shouldn't do that. But then again, the Author says I should, and I don't want to fuck with him." Deckard said.
He placed his hand on the icon. The panel closed, trapping his hand in it.
"hmmm, must be an identification scanner." He said.
Then a frigging knife pierced his hand.
"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH! I've heard of tongue piercings, but I've never heard of a hand piercing!" He yelled.
A blast of purple-pink energy threw him back. His left sleeve was torn.
"Damn it, I just got this back from the dry cleaner." He said.
His hand glowed light blue. A beam of energy shot out from the golden box.
Meanwhile, outside...
"Alright buddy, hand over the dough!" Said a young man in a purple shirt,black shorts, and purple face bandana as he pointed a Beretta 92F at the face of a guy sitting on a bench.
"I wouldn't do that buddy." Said the guy on a bench, who wore a black hoodie with jeans.
"How come?" The man with the gun asked. (Hes the leader of the Saints if you didn't know).
The man in the Hoodie (Alex mercer from Prototype) stood up and grew a massive blade from his arm. He sliced the Saint's Leader in half.
"Fucking muggers, they ruin everyday." Alex said.
Suddenly, a massive beam shot through the roof of the museum. It opened some kind of vortex in the sky. Deckard stumbled out of the entrance.
"(Cough) (cough) Jesus. Haven't they heard of automatic sprinkler systems?" He said.
The beam exploded into more energy. People on the street panicked and started running around like maniacs. A big wave of energy plowed through the street, throwing various people (including The Black guy from True Crime:New york city and Chris from Freedom Fighters) into the air. Then the energy took the shape of a hideous monster. It was a large green fat bunny like creature with yellow wings.
"What the hell?" Deckard wondered.
Chapter 8:Klegendary
The creature (a flying Moo from klonoa) Picked up a police car with it's feet and flew off with it. Another creature, one with a red top, white bottom and long tail with short ears (Zippoe) plowed through the various cars and civilians.
"Deckard! The main road has been destroyed! I'll meet you in the subway!" Vivian, a woman who's been helping Deckard, said.
"Sure thing bitch." Deckard muttered.
Suddenly, Deckard heard a loud roar behind him. He looked behind him and saw what looked like a giant onion on legs (gelg bolm). It split in half, revealing flowers inside it.
"What the hell? Is that like an egg thing that can hold stuff in it?" Deckard wondered.
Suddenly, the thing started charging towards him. Deckard turned tail and sprinted the opposite direction. Deckard dove through an open doorway. The Monster crashed into the wall and frame surrounding it.
"I thought I'd never run from an egg." Deckard said.
Then, all of a sudden, a strange four legged creature that was purple, yellow and red with what looked like horns on it's head (Slazza) stood in Deckard's path. It threw it's horns at Deckard, who ducked beneath them and got back up.
"Ha, You missed Me!" He said proudly.
Then the horns flew from behind and hit Deckard in the back. The Slazza exploded into blood as a shot rang out. A blonde woman in black with a desert eagle stood behind it.
"Deckard, thank god you made it!" Vivian said.
"Damn, are there any First aid kits in this game?" Deckard asked.
"Don't worry, you can heal yourself with the energy these monsters give off." She said.
She pointed to a small floating heart.
"No way, I'm not gay dude." Deckard said.
They went into the subway's control booth. Deckard grabbed a UMP40. Vivian typed on a computer console.
"I've sent out a distress signal to the black order's enemies." Vivian said.
The Black order was the foundation that hired Vivian and Deckard. It was lead by one Morgan Lefey. Suddenly, a man in a suit with white hair popped on the monitor.
"Vivian, I thought that shorthand looked familiar." He said.
"Lefey! You old bastard! You set us up!" Vivian yelled.
"Guilty as charged. I'm afraid you must die unfortunately." Lefey said.
"Why? Because I have vital information?" Vivian asked.
"No, Because I haven't completely established the fact that I'm evil yet." Lefey said before Deckard shot the monitor.
"What? Thats the first thing the player does when they see a hostile entity on TV." Deckard said.
The ceiling shook. Several holes were blown out. Strange creatures dropped in through rappels. They were black, with blue helmets, yellow feet, smiling teeth, green eyes, and large guns. Vivian watched through the window as they shot large spiked balls into the glass. Vivian broke through the remainder of the glass and nailed a few of them with her Desert Eagle. One of the creatures wandered close to Deckard. He aimed and pulled the trigger of his gun, it just clicked.
"Damn, I wish this gun held all the ammo in it's clip like in GAAAAAKAKKKKK!" He screamed in pain as a spiked ball hit his leg.
One of the creatures walked up to him and aimed it's gun at Deckard's face. He held his hand in front of his face. His hand shot a blue bullet at the creature and it inflated. Deckard moved his hand aside and saw the creature was now floating above his pierced hand.
"Whoa! Talk about overeating." He said.
2 of the other creatures shot some spiked balls at Deckard. Deckard threw the inflated creature at them and it exploded into blue energy that incinerated them.
"What the hell is this thing? A nitro injector?" Deckard asked, looking at his hand.
Suddenly, another hole burst through the ceiling. Soldiers in green uniforms and Black vests slid down a Rappel.
"My signal got through! Those soldiers are on our side!" Vivian said.
One of the soldiers pointed his UMP40 straight in Deckard's face.
"You have great judgment Vivian." Deckard said.
Another soldier slid down the rappel.
"Miss Vivian. Do you know why I shouldn't just shoot you and your friend right here and now?" The Man said.
"Because the game would only be 3 minutes long." Vivian said.
"Sir! Lefey has taken the box on top of the empire state building and is using it to control the monsters!" Another soldier said.
"Wow, that was fast." Deckard said.
"Alright, it looks like we can use you 2. I'm Lexington, the leader of the Council of 98." The man said.
Vivian and Deckard got in a Black Hawk helicopter and they flew towards the Empire State Building with a bunch of others.
"Thank god this isn't an official parody. I can't stand these retarded creatures." One soldier said.
Suddenly, a slender purple creature with a yellow ring around it smashed through one of the helicopter's windows and bit the soldier. The soldier was surrounded by electric bolts before Deckard split the monster's head open with his axe. The soldier fell on the floor dead.
"I hate cry babies anyway." Vivian said, filing her nails.
"We can't get any closer, they have anti-air defenses." The pilot said.
Deckard looked out the door. He saw strange little black things, with teeth and green eyes like the other ones. But these ones had green missile pods on their sides and had tracks instead of feet. They fired some Missiles at some of the other choppers, causing them to spin around and crash. Cpt. Foley and Pvt. Dunn from Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 crawled out of the wreckage of one of them.
"Defend this position! Defend this-" Foley started before he was tackled by a red fat bunny creature and eaten alive.
The Chopper dropped Deckard off at the entrance of the building. He ran inside, armed with an M249 SAW. He found himself in an eerie green lit atrium.
"Mr. Deckard. How nice of you to join us." Lefey said over the intercom.
"Drop the bad guy etiquette and come out like the old fart you are." Deckard yelled.
"Would you like to meet the head of the entertainment department?" Lefey asked.
"No." Deckard said.
"Splendid. Here they are." Lefey said.
"I said no! Have you lost your hearing old man!" Deckard yelled.
Suddenly, a shuttered doors opened. Deckard almost burst into laughter based on what he saw. There was an obese figure, wearing green, black and red clothing with a skirt. He had a long thin head with a flower on top and teeth in the neck.
"I am Leptio! The flower clown!" the Figure said.
Deckard stood there in silence with a smile on his face. Then he broke out into laughter.
"A fucking clown? Your kidding me!" He squealed.
"Do not mock the name of Leptio! I am the most powerful warrior in-" Leptio started before Deckard emptied 100 bullets into him.
The retarded clown fell over dead, riddled with bullet holes.
"Lets see how you handle my shock troopers!" Lefey taunted.
The doors of the elevator opened, revealing similar fat bunny like creatures that were green and had soldier helmets on. The marched towards Deckard. Using the weird signet on his hand, Deckard grabbed the first one with a little green projectile. It was inflated and Deckard threw it at the next. Then he snatched the other and threw it at the next. Then he repeated this action until they were all dead.
"You'll never reach me! The elevators are offline!" Lefey taunted.
Deckard saw some of the flying green bunny-like creatures lined up vertically, reaching all the way up to the upper levels. Deckard thought for a moment. He jumped up to the lowest one and grabbed it with his Signet. Then, before he fell, he jumped off it's head and leaped higher (yelling "woo hoo!" while doing it). Then he grabbed the next one with his signet and jumped off it's head. Then the next, then the next, then the next and so on until he reached the top. He looked over the edge of the railing and saw a massive pile of dead green bunny things.
"Oh well. They probably would have wanted that. Seriously, who would want to be a retarded green bunny?" He said to himself.
"Deckard, we have confirmed 6 hostages at your location. Save them before you proceed to Lefey." Lexington said over the Radio.
"Damn it! I hate those fucking escort missions!" Deckard said.
He proceeded down the hallway, in a complex of offices. He looked inside one office and saw something that almost fits in with everything hes seen today. He saw six bubbles with wooden shapes inside floating off the ground. He shot one with his Walther P99. A strange creature with black fur, blue pants and long ears came out of it.
"ありがとう、私は数週間のためにここに閉じ込められてきた!" It said, which was Japanese for "Thank you, I've been trapped here for weeks!".
Deckard didn't understand a word the thing said. He shot it through the head with his pistol. Suddenly, some Council soldiers came into the room with him.
"Deckard! Why did you shoot the hostage?" One of them asked.
"Wait, these are the hostages?" Deckard asked.
"Yeah, they're from the same place the other monsters came from." The soldier said.
"Oh I didn't kill him. Lefey did, before he ran off." Deckard lied.
"Damn that sick bastard! He'll pay for this!" The soldier said.
The soldiers escorted the other creature hostages to an LZ. Deckard proceeded to the roof, where Lefey hooked up the box to some strange antenna. It was surrounded by a pink energy field.
"Your too late Mr. Deckard! Soon the monsters will be under my control!" Lefey said from inside his control room.
"You can still stop it Deckard! You have to overload the energy field control panels!" Vivian said from inside her control room.
"Wait, how the hell did you get all the way up here? The elevators are out." Deckard asked.
"I took the stairwell." She said.
"There was a stairwell!" Deckard gasped.
Deckard put aside his obliviousness and went outside the control room. He saw some new monsters. These ones were yellow bunnies with shields. He shot them with his machine gun, but the bullets bounced off the shield. His signet didn't work on the shield either. He threw a grenade behind it. It dove away, leaving itself exposed as the grenade went off. There, Deckard grabbed it with his signet. He quickly ran to the console and set it to overload.
He went to the next console and saw another creature in his path. This one was short and covered in steel armor with 2 little eye holes and blue line running down the head. Deckard shot it with his pistol, but it's bullets bounced off it's armor. Then Deckard threw the first enemy at the armored one. The first one exploded and the armor flew off, revealing it to be a blue bunny-like creature. He grabbed it with his signet and set the next console to Overload.
He ran to the third one and saw another retarded creature. This one looked like a small round red cat with a black belt around it. It started flashing white. Deckard threw the current creature at it and it caused an actual explosion, like from a bomb.
"Damn, he hired suicide bombing cats?" He wondered.
He got to the next console and set it to overload. The force field's generators exploded and it went down.
"Damn you Deckard! I will make you pay for-" Lefey started.
Suddenly, a new creature broke into the room Lefey was in. It was black with red eyes, had a silver ring around it's waist, 2 spikes on it's head and a spike below floating in the air. It rammed Lefey, impaling him on one of it's head spikes.
"Damn irony." He said before dying.
"Deckard! You can destroy the box by throwing an explosive at it!" Vivian said.
Deckard grabbed one of the red cats with his signet and threw it at the box. It exploded and the box shattered, unleashing a massive wave of energy that knocked out Deckard.
"Deckard? Come on you freak, wake up!" Yelled a voice.
Deckard opened his eyes and saw Lexington and Vivian standing over him.
"You did it, the box is destroyed." Lexington said.
"Unfortunately, it's time for you to go home." Vivian said.
"What?" Deckard asked.
"You don't belong in this world, I brought you here." Vivian said.
"That can't be. I remember growing up on a farm." Deckard said.
"That was old footage from Bioshock that I photo-shopped to look like you." Vivian said.
"NO! IT'S A LIE! IT'S A LIE!" Deckard screamed.
"I'm sorry, but it's true." Vivian said.
"I can't believe how upset you are over this." Lexington said.
"Not that! I just got twittered that the Spyro movie has been canceled!" Deckard said, holding up his PDA.
"Anyway, now that the box is gone, it's time for you to go home." Vivian said.
"WUT? O.O!" Deckard said.
"To your own...New york city..." Vivian continued.
"T.T!" Deckard texted.
Suddenly, a large gray hole opened in the sky. Deckard was slowly drug along the floor, he tried crawling forward, but the hole's strength kept pulling him back.
"Vivian! Help me!" He yelled.
"Sorry, not much I can do." Vivian said while applying lipstick and looking in her pocket mirror.
Deckard was forcefully pulled into the air and sucked into the hole, which closed after inhaling him.
"Well...At least the monsters are gone." Lexington said.
As if on cue, a purple and yellow wasp with sharp mandibles crashed on Lexington and stabbed him repeatedly with them.
"Help..Me!" he said, blood pouring out of his mouth.
Vivian just ignored him and continued with her makeup. The wasp tore out all of Lexington's guts before doing the same to her.
Meanwhile...
Deckard slowly regained consciousness. He opened his eyes and looked around. It looked like New York city. He was on a rooftop and the sun bathed everything in a golden color.
"You alright buddy?" A voice said.
Deckard looked to his left and saw a man in a black military uniform. He was bald and had gold eyes. He held some kind of Rocket launcher.
"Uhh, yeah. If you define alright as being told everything you knew was a lie and thrown away like a toy" Deckard said.
"Hmmm, I actually feel like thats it's real definition." The man said.
"Am I in New York city?" Deckard asked.
"Yep, it's under attack though." The man said.
"Awwww Man! I thought I destroyed the damn things!" Deckard whined.
"Really? You defeated the Chimera?" The man asked.
"Chimera? No, I mean the retarded bunny things!" Deckard said.
"Okay..." The man replied.
Suddenly, a loud stomping noise was heard. A massive creature towering up to the building the men were on took a position in front of them. It was gray-brown and had orange eyes. It's upper torso was thick with bits of shell.
"OH SHIT!" The man yelled.
The man aimed his Rocket Launcher at the beast's head. The beast opened it's gargantuan mouth and roared at an enormous level. Deckard covered his ears as the man fired a rocket into the creature's mouth. It recoiled in pain as the rocket exploded in it's mouth.
"Oh fuck, I'm out of Rockets." The man said.
Deckard suddenly saw something familiar. It was the red cat thing. Using his signet, he grabbed and inflated it. The monster opened it's huge mouth again. As it began to roar, Deckard tossed the inflated red cat into the beast's mouth. The beast closed it's mouth and swallowed. Seconds later, a massive explosion ripped through it's chest, blowing a large hole in it. The creature began to lose it's balance.
Meanwhile, on the ground, a man in a black and silver nanosuit (Alcatraz from Crysis 2) put a bullet into the head of a merc with his SCAR.
"No one can stop me. My suit is indestructible!" He said.
Then he was crushed by the lifeless beast, who toppled on him.
"It still hurts though." He said weakly, his arm sticking out from under the beast.
"Amazing! How the hell did you do that?" The man in black asked.
"Some weird magic I guess." Deckard said.
"I'm Nathan Hale, SRPA. What's your name?" The man asked.
"Deckard, Professional Art Thief." Deckard said.
"I owe you one Deckard. Wanna head back to base for some drinks?" Hale asked.
"Hell yeah! Thats the first good thing I've heard all day." Deckard said.
And so they walked off into the sunset, and would continue to battle monsters until he was needed elsewhere...
Meanwhile, in a small wooden house...
"So what did you guys think about my fanfic?" A black creature with long white tipped ears, blue hat with pac-man symbol, red shoes, blue vest and blue pants asked his friends.
"It was...different." Said a girl with pointed ears, pink hat and shirt with black pants said.
"It made no sense at all! What the hell were you thinking?" Said a short dog like creature with tan skin, green eyes, claws and red neck scarf said.
"I based it on my early life, when I was thrown away from Phantomile." The black creature said.
"With an art thief, a cruddy city, guns, a box and some old douchebag named Lefey? Are you slipping Klonoa?" The dog asked.
"I wanted to add some variation to it." Klonoa said.
"Where did you get the ideas for it?" The girl asked.
"I stole it from this corny game called Legendary." Klonoa said.
"That's plagiarism!" The dog said.
"No it isn't, it's recycling. There's a difference Popka." Klonoa said.
"You are the most mentally challenged person I've met!" Popka yelled before storming out of the house.
"Well at least someone likes it. Right Lolo?" Klonoa asked.
"...I've got to get back to work." Lolo said before storming out of the house.
"Fine! I'm gonna make this into a movie and become rich! You won't get anything!" Klonoa yelled.
Suddenly, another giant monster identical to the one Hale fought toppled on the house Klonoa was in, killing him. Oh well, he's got extra lives right?
"Sorry!" Deckard yelled.
End...
I could really use some reviews for my Bio-Jock story, I can't proceed without them! Hope you enjoyed this short parody, have a frigging nice day, and let me introduce my new catchphrase, SLACKERS!