Channel 13
All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner. It includes Call of Duty, Resident Evil, Grand Theft Auto, and Silent Hill.
Chapter 9: When video games become educational
We've all seen those children's video games that are supposed to teach them about crap in an appropriate manner, but they've never made anything like that for mature gamers. Well that's all about to change right now.
Call of Duty:World at war-history
A soviet soldier in a long brown trench coat with fur hat and another soldier in a simple green uniform and helmet ran into the remains of a destroyed building in Berlin. They sat down and took cover.
"It is fortunate we have not encountered any tanks yet, Dmitri Petrenko." The one in the trench coat said.
"That's because they have no fuel for them, Viktor Reznov." Petrenko said.
"Really?" Reznov asked.
"Yes, during the last days of the Reich, Germany was very scarce on resources." Petrenko pointed out.
A German soldier stepped into the doorway of the destroyed building with a strange SMG. He screamed at the Russians before being cut down by Reznov's and Petrenko's PPSH-41's.
"In fact, they didn't even have enough resources to make proper weapons." Petrenko continued.
Petrenko picked up the German's SMG. It consisted of a bullet ejector, barrel, clip below ejector, grip and thin metal stock. It was very thin and light.
"Take this gun for example. They used whatever they had left to make it. Some were even made out of wood." Petrenko added.
"They must have been real desperate." Reznov said.
"Indeed they were. So desperate, they actually gave weapons to civilians to help them fight." Petrenko added.
"That explains those children we massacred at the square." Reznov said.
A Soviet Commissar came up to them. He wore a long black trench coat.
"What are you 2 cowards doing here conversing about history? Get back in the fight or I'll have you shot!" He said.
"Boy, he is angry." Reznov said.
"Most commissars were. In fact, they did have many of their own men killed for not following orders." Petrenko said.
"That does it!" The commissar yelled.
He pulled out his Nagant revolver and shot both Reznov and Petrenko through the chests.
"I can't believe we're dying." Reznov said.
"The Soviets suffered the greatest losses during the war actually." Petrenko said.
"Really?" Reznov asked.
"25,000,000." Petrenko said before he died.
"I wish I actually went to school." Reznov said before he died.
Resident Evil-Science
Jill Valentine (Orange hair, blue pants, sky blue shirt, blue shoulder pads and blue berate) entered a laboratory of some sorts in the mansion she was in. There were various chemicals stored in bottles on the shelf. She looked at a manual on the table.
"Warning! Before beginning any science experiment, always wear safety goggles, gloves and follow instructions carefully!" It read.
Jill put on a pair of plastic gloves and goggles. She saw something scratched on the wall.
"1+3=4. 4+6=10. 1+6=7. 10+7=17. 17+3=20." It said.
Jill looked back at the manual.
"To create the anti herbal chemical known as V-JOLT, combine a sample of VP-017 with UMB no.3." It read.
Jill looked around the lab. She saw a container of UMB no.3, but no VP-017.
"How the fuck am I supposed to make this without any Vp whatever it's called?" She asked herself.
"To make VP-017, combine UMB no.10 with UMB no.7." The manual read.
"There isn't any of that shit around here!" She yelled.
Jill drew her Beretta 92F and pumped a few rounds into the manual.
"Alright, I can figure this out." She said to herself.
She tried to pick up an empty bottle, but her inventory was filled with weapons, ammo and herbs. She made a trip back to the last save room and dumped some of them in the item chest. When she returned, she picked up 2 empty bottles.
"Alright...What the hell, I'm just gonna throw some random shit in these bottles and hope they burn that damn plant." She said to herself.
She went over to this large jar of yellow liquid and filled her bottle with it. Then she filled the other with this red liquid. Then, she pour a single drop of the red liquid in the yellow liquid and the whole frigging mansion exploded. A man in brown pants, white shirt and red vest stepped in front of the explosion.
"And that's what happens when you carelessly mix random chemicals. If Jill had read the manual more carefully, she would have found the correct way to make V-JOLT. So always remember to follow instructions exactly. I'm Barry Burton and I say-" Barry started before a zombie dog tackled him.
Grand Theft Auto 4-Math
A man in a brown jacket, tan shirt, and blue pants walked up the the driver's side of a car.
"Hello kids. I'm Niko Bellic. Today, I'm gonna teach you some math techniques. First of all, velocity. The speed an object travels. Take my elbow. How much Velocity would it take to shatter this car's window?" Niko asked.
He slowly pushed his elbow against the window.
"You see? When I moved it slow, it doesn't even scratch the window. But when I do it like this!" He said as he smashed it with his elbow. "It finally breaks."
Niko unlocked the door and got in the car. He hot wired it and drove down the road. A police car chased after him.
"Uh oh! It's the fuzz! This brings us to our next lesson, Multiplication. That police car has 2 policemen in it. It takes 4 shots from my Glock 17 to kill them. Therefore, it's 4 bullets for each cop. 2 times 4. How many bullets do I need?" Niko asked.
"8!" yelled a bunch of dinosaur toddlers in diapers.
"Thats right!" Niko said.
Niko shot the cop on the right with 4 shots. He fell out of the window and was run over by the car behind them. Then he fired 4 shots into the driver. The police car drove right into a propane shop, which exploded. Niko laughed as he looked in his rear view mirror. Then he looked in front of him and crashed into a guardrail. He flew through the windshield and onto the boardwalk below. He painfully got up.
"Ouchie. I guess I should have kept my eyes on the road. I had 100 health points before that miserable accident, now I only have 25. How many health points did I lose?" Niko asked.
"75!" the diapered dinosaur toddlers yelled.
"Thats right! To restore my health, I need to find a med kit or food vendor. Theres one over there." Niko said.
He limped his way over to a nearby hotdog cart.
"How much for one of those?" Niko asked, blood spurting out of his chest.
"20 bucks." The guy said.
"20 US dollars! Are you fucking serious! Yesterday, they were only 5 dollars!" Niko yelled.
"I need to make more profit." The guy said.
"Fine. I have 200 dollars. The hot dog costs 20. How much money will I have left, kids?" Niko asked.
"180!" The toddlers said.
"Thats right!" Niko said, his shirt stained with blood.
Niko gave the money to the guy. The guy gave him a hot dog. Niko bit into it and the wounds disappeared. Then he pulled out his Glock 17 and shot a hole right through the guy's forehead. Niko grabbed the money he dropped.
"Remember kids, you can also get your money back by killing the dealer!" He said.
Niko jogged down the boardwalk. He entered a condemned building. There was a black man in a brown jacket, brown pants and sunglasses inside. Tied down on a table was a guy in black pants, blue green jacket and gray mustache.
"Yo Niki." The black guy said.
"Hello Little Jacob! It's a wonderful day isn't it!" Niko asked.
"Yeah, but I got a problem. A friend of mine wants to cut Vlad here into separate pieces. His feet, legs, arms, torso and head. I don't know how many boxes I need to put all this in." Little Jacob said.
"Don't worry, let's count and see. Vlad has 2 feet, 2 arms, and 2 legs. But only has one torso and one head. 2+2+2+1+1." Niko said.
"I'll show you how many feet I have after I shove them up your ass!" Vlad yelled.
"How many is all that?" Niko asked.
"Your fucking mother!" Vlad yelled.
"8!" The toddlers yelled.
"That's right! We need to cut Vlad into 8 pieces and place them in 8 boxes!" Niko said.
"Thanks Niki! Can you cut Vlad for me?" Little Jacob asked.
"Of course. That's all for this mission, see you toddlers on the next!" Niko said.
Niko picked up a chainsaw and revved it up The screen fades to black just as the chainsaw hits Vlad's neck.
Silent Hill 3- Reading
Heather Mason (blonde hair, white vest, orange shirt, green skirt) walked down the rusted hall of the Hilltop center. She came to a strange monster blocking the hall. It had a weird funnel that shook rapidly and I really can't describe the rest of the body because it looks like something you'd see in a Silent Hill game. There was a portion of a book on the floor. Heather kneeled down to look at it.
"I can't read, you read it." She said.
One of the diapered dinosaur toddlers, a female yellow one, from the last scene ran up to the book and read it.
"Once upon a time, a monster blocked the gate of this peaceful village. No body could get out so the king of the village sent his guards to remove the creature. Unfortunately, the creature ate them. The king asked the local village witch for help. She marched up to the gate." The toddler said.
"Then what?" Heather asked.
"I don't know, that's all there is to read." The toddler said.
"Then let's find the rest of it." Heather said.
Heather grabbed the toddler's hand and dragged her into the next corridor. A Slurper (short, suction cup hands and feet, snout) crawled towards them. The toddler clung to Heather's leg.
"Don't let the monster eat me!" She begged.
"No sweat. I can't read, but I can kill." Heather said.
Heather whipped out her Uzi and peppered the slurper with bullets. It lay on the floor, coughing up blood. Heather walked beside it and stomped on it's throat, crushing it. Heather dragged the toddler into the staircase, where they found another part of the book.
"The village witch pleaded to the monster to leave and let the people live in peace. However, the monster just laughed at her and stabbed her with one of his massive claws. The villager's mourned her loss." The toddler read.
"Then what!" Heather demanded.
"The rest of it is missing." The toddler said.
"Damn it! Who the fuck leaves random children's book pages lay around a building?" Heather asked.
Suddenly, a blood covered dog with a split head (double head) sunk it's teeth in the toddler's left leg. Heather equipped her Spiked Maul and slammed it down hard on the dog's head. The toddler's leg was bleeding profusely. Tears rolled from her eyes. Heather reached into her vest and pulled out a brown bottle with a first aid symbol on it.
"Don't worry, this stuff will heal anything!" She said.
She took off it's cap and poured the liquid on the Toddler's wound.
"It burns!" The toddler screamed.
"Warning, do not pour on open wound." Heather read off the label.
Heather shoved it in the toddler's mouth and forced her to drink it. The bleeding stopped.
"Let's hurry up and find the rest of that book. Teletubbies begins in half an hour." Heather said.
They left the staircase and eventually came to a break room. There was a gray table in the center with an ash tray with several cigarette's that were still smoking. Heather grabbed one and took a puff of it.
"I thought you quit." The Toddler asked.
"I got real drunk." Heather said.
Heather moved to one side of the table and found the rest of the book. The toddler came over to it.
"The villagers tears brought about a magical power, which brought the witch back to life. The witch then returned to the beast at the gate and said: Your evil ways will hurt this village no more! She then chanted these magical words: Scibidy whack hack. And the monster was engulfed in flames. Unfortunately, the fire caused many of the villager's homes to burn down, but the beast was slain. The witch broke open a bottle of champagne and the villager's drank until the beer keg ran out. The end." The toddler read.
"That's it? What a shitty story." Heather said, puffing smoke.
"Maybe the magic words will kill that monster." The toddler said.
"Maybe. Shitidy crack black." Heather chanted.
"No. It's scibidy whack hack." The toddler corrected.
"squiddily grack sack." Heather chanted.
"Say it with me. Scibidy whack hack." The toddler said.
"sci-bidy...whack...hack." Heather said slowly.
A painful growl was heard outside. The duo went back to where the monster was, and it was gone.
"Thank god. Now I can go home!" Heather said.
"Before you do, could you change me? I got really scared when that dog bit me." The toddler asked.
"...No way. I'm not touching any diapers." Heather said, walking away.
And there are even more subjects that I haven't even covered yet! Keep watching Channel 13 for future expansions to this chapter.
Now give me some reviews you SLACKERS!