All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner. I do own Alex.
A green HUMMV drove down the long stretch of road. Inside, Soap (black shirt, green vest, jeans), Ghost (Zombie scarf, olive shirt, olive vest, green pants) Price (cowboy hat, blue sweatshirt, green camo pants) and Roach (black hair, olive shirt, green vest, black pants) were it's occupants, with Price driving.
"Are we there yet?" Soap asked, who was sitting in the front seat.
"For Christ's sake, NO! Stop asking me every fucking minute!" Price yelled.
"Why are we going to the Rocky mountains and not Jerusalem like we planned?" Ghost asked
"Jerusalem is full of Muslims. They kill any American they see." Price said.
"Aren't we British?" Roach asked.
"And isn't Jerusalem controlled by Israel?" Soap asked.
"We're going to the rocky mountains and that's final!" Price yelled. "Good, it's 12:00 PM, my shows on."
"You have cable in this car?" Soap gasped.
"Yeah, why else would it have a satellite dish?" Price asked.
"Why didn't you turn it on 5 hours ago!" Roach gasped.
"Because there was nothing good on." Price said.
"What the hell do you think is good?" Soap asked.
Price turned on the monitor in the center of the dashboard. Wheel of Fortune came on.
"The Game show network! Theres no way I'm watching that!" Ghost yelled.
Chapter 10: Wheel of Fortune
A short red anthropomorphic dinosaur in a suit walked out on a blue stage background with a wheel and letter board.
"Hi, Alex here. It's another retarded Game show parody." Alex said.
The first contestant wore a green army Jacket and berate. He was old, had a cigarette in his mouth and wore brown pants, his name was Bill (from Left 4 dead). The second contestant wore gray pants, black and red jacket, and had very short black hair, Paxton Fettel from F.E.A.R. The last contestant was a woman with brown hair with ponytail, cyan tanktop, massive breasts, short brown shorts, dual pistols, and brown backpack, Lara Croft from Tomb Raider.
"Alright, we've all seen the real episodes of this show so we all know the rules." Alex said.
The letter board had 5 spaces on it. A woman in blonde hair and blue dress stood next to it.
"Alright, Bill's first. No smoking by the way." Alex said.
"The cigarette stays." Bill said, blowing smoke into Alex's face.
"Fine. Guess the word or spin?" Alex asked.
Bill spun the wheel, which spun for a whole minute before stopping on 500.
"Guess a letter or buy a vowel?" Alex asked, bored.
"Buy a, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! ZOMBIES!" Bill shrieked.
He pulled out an Uzi. Everyone in the set ducked as he emptied it's mag into the audience, killing several civilians.
"What the hell was that for?" Alex asked.
"Sorry, flashback." Bill said.
"If there weren't only 3 players, I'd throw your ass out of here. Which Vowel do you want?" Alex asked.
"Uhhhh, C." Bill said.
"A Vowel!" Alex said firmly.
"C isn't a Vowel? Damn, I wish I finished school." Bill said.
"Can you hurry it up? I'm not here just to be a sex object." Lara said.
The camera zoomed on her massive hooters.
"I'm growing tired of waiting to participate in this childish competition." Fettel said. "I'm also quite hungry."
"Vowels include A, I, E, O, and U." Alex said.
"Vowels include me?" Bill asked.
"...I'm just going to assume you said A." Alex said.
An A appeared on the 4th place on the board.
"Finally. Now on to you Fe-" Alex started.
There was noone in Fettel's position.
"Where's Fettel?" Alex asked.
A loud scream was heard. Alex looked in the audience and saw Fettel biting into the neck of one of the watchers. Blood covered his mouth and created a large puddle on the floor.
"Fettel!" Alex yelled.
"I am hungry." Fettel said.
"Well wait until the commercial break. Would you like to spin or guess a letter?" Alex asked.
"F." Fettel said before taking another bite.
An F appeared on the first spot on the board.
"Okay, Lara, spin or guess?" Alex asked.
Lara spun the wheel and it landed on Bankrupt.
"Oohhh, too bad." Alex said.
Suddenly, Lara pulled out her 2 pistols and shot bullet holes into the Bankrupt space in the shape of 1000.
"I'd like to buy an E." She said.
"I'm afraid that's against the rules." Alex said.
Lara shot Alex's belt buckle, causing his pants to fall down, revealing his diaper.
"I said, I'd like to buy an E." She said, pointing her guns at his groin.
"Okay, an E." Alex nervously said.
Alex was annoyed as hell when he turned around and saw Fettel eating the woman in the blue dress.
"Damn it! Fettel, will you please stop eating everyone!" Alex asked.
"I am still very hungry." Fettel said, biting her finger off.
Alec reached into his jacket and pulled out a Kit Kat bar, which he shoved in Fettel's hands.
"E." Alex said, aggravated.
An E appeared on the 3rd place on the board.
"Okay, back to Bill." Alex said
Alex's stress level exploded when he saw Bill laying on the wheel and spinning it around like it was a ride.
"We're going down!" Bill yelled.
"Will you get the fuck off that!" Alex yelled.
Bill continued to spin on it. Alex stomped over to the wheel and flipped the wheel over. Bill crawled out from under it.
"Guess a letter or spin?" Alex asked angerly.
"I'd like to spin again!" Bill said.
"The wheel is broken you old toad." Alex said.
"Oh, I'd like to guess...Texas." Bill said.
"Wrong, the word isn't Texas." Alex said.
"No, I mean Texas is the guess for the question." Bill said.
"There are no questions!" Alex yelled.
"Then how do we win the game?" Bill asked.
"By guessing the word." Alex said patiently.
"Oh, okay. I think it's fetus." Bill said as the "wrong" buzzer blared.
"That's 6 letters. Alright, Fettel-" Alex started before he let out a massive screech.
He looked behind him and saw Fettel taking bites out of his tail. Blood covered his chest and the bones in Alex's tail could be seen along with interior tissue. Alex grabbed his tail and pulled it away from Fettel, which was extremely painful.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Alex yelled.
"That bar did not taste satisfying. Your tail is the most wonderful thing that has ever touched my tongue." Fettel said, licking blood off his lips.
"That does it. Your out of the game!" Alex yelled, cradling his tail.
"Hmph. This competition was pointless anyway." Fettel said, walking off the set.
"Alright, cue to commercials. I hate this fucking game so much. I said go to commercials you fucktard!" Alex yelled.
A man was walking down a dark tunnel. He wore olive green body armor and a black mask with red goggles. He was holding an RPL submachine gun. Suddenly, his chest mounted flashlight went out.
"Out of power again? You fucking cheap razor!" He yelled in frustration.
He plucked it off his chest and threw it on the ground.
"Tired of waiting for you cheap 5 second flashlight to recharge?" A voice said.
"AAAHHHH! Who said that!" The man yelled, spraying the tunnel with bullets.
A small subway car smashed through the wall of the tunnel. A man in a black shirt, blue jeans, brown gloves and gas mask stepped out.
"Replace that gay ass battery with the new Charytom." The man said, holding up a device.
"The what?" The soldier asked, pointing his gun at him.
"I'm Arytom from Metro 2033. Growing up in the subway can be tough. Using bullets as currency, using ticket booths as restrooms, making shotguns out of the plumbing. But one thing we do know how to do is how to make a better flashlight battery! Using magnets in a spool of wire, the Charytom can increase your battery's power by a shitload. All you have to do is press the trigger 17 times!" Arytom said.
"I thought you said we wouldn't have to wait for it to recharge." Said a man in a different cave, wearing a red snow jacket and blue pants, holding a flashlight.
"I thought you said we wouldn't have to wait for it to recharge." Arytom mocked from a nearby shipping container.
The subway car smashed through the container.
"You don't have to wait for it to recharge! You can charge it yourself with the Charytom!" Arytom yelled.
Arytom shoved the Charytom into the man's hands. He hooked it up to his flashlight and pressed the trigger several times. The flashlight's bulb exploded. The subway car now smashed into a small castle hallway where there was a man in a white shirt and brown pants, holding a lantern.
"The Charytom also works on other lighting devices!" Arytom said.
"Oh this lantern doesn't need a battery, it uses oil." The man said.
"You'll use the Charytom!" Arytom yelled, shoving it in the man's other hand.
The man hooked it to his lantern and after pressing the trigger, electrocuted himself and fell down paralyzed.
"Oh well, who uses lanterns anymore? This is 2011." Arytom said.
"Alright, this thing looks like a piece of junk." The soldier said.
"Use it and you'll love it!" Arytom said.
The soldier plugged it in to his flashlight and pulled the trigger. The flashlight burnt out.
"So next time your flashlight runs out, use-" Arytom started.
The soldier grabbed Arytom by the neck and pressed his RPL machine gun against his stomach. He pulled the trigger on it and emptied 50 bullets into Arytom's body, spraying blood and entrails everywhere. He fell to the ground, barely alive.
"The... Charytom...available at your local...department...store." He croaked before closing his eyes for the last time.
"Jeez. And I thought Alma was bad." The soldier said.
And now back to wheel of fortune. Fettel was gone, Alex had a long bandage on his tale, and Bill now had a weird red aura around him.
"Alright sugar tits, your move." Alex said.
Lara spun the wheel and it landed on 300.
"I'm guessing...I." She guessed, then the buzzer rang.
"Sorry, I is not on the board." Alex said.
"Did I say I? I meant R." Lara said.
"Sorry, you can only guess once." Alex said
Lara pointed her pistol at him.
"Fine, R." He said.
An R appeared on the 2nd spot on the board.
"Bill, if you give me a retarded answer one more frigging time, I will shove that cigarette in your eye!" Alex threatened.
"Do not worry. I would like to guess the word." Bill said in a voice strangely similar to Fettel's.
"Fine, shoot." Alex said
A bullet whizzed by, barely missing Alex's head.
"Sorry, safety wasn't on." Lara said.
"The word is freak." Bill said.
The last letter was revealed as K and the word was indeed freak.
"Holy shit. I can't believe you turned this around." Alex said.
"Ugrh. May I have my prize money so I may depart now?" Bill said, holding his chest.
"But we still have to get through the bonus round." Alex said.
"I don't have time for that." Bill said.
Bill's skin started turning purple with big lumps all over his face.
Are you al-" Alex started.
Bill exploded into bloody chunks, spraying Alex, Lara, and the set with blood. Fettel was standing in Bill's place.
"What the? I thought you didn't want to play anymore!" Alex said.
"I needed the money." Fettel said.
"What the hell would you need money for?" Alex asked.
"...I was going to bribe WB to make another Fear where I make a comeback." Fettel said.
"Well you were disqualified, so you can't get the money. And since Bill is just a memory, Lara wins." Alex said.
Lara took off her tank top and spun it around as the audience cheered.
"Hopefully, I won't join you on the next Wheel of Fortune." Alex said.
A red energy blast hit the floor in front of Alex. Fettel shot another out of his hand and hit Alex on his tail. Alex screeched in pain and ran off the stage, Fettel in pursuit.
Price turned the TV off.
"Can't you get any other channels on this thing?" Soap asked.
"No." Price said.
"Can we pull over? My ass is aching." Roach asked.
"Just sit on an ice pack or something" Price said.
"I've been sitting on an Ice pack! I can't even feel my ass anymore." Roach said.
"Then take out the ice pack, genius." Price said like he was talking to a 5 year old.
"Oh, that's much better." Roach said.
"Turn on the Radio." Ghost said.
"I was hoping you'd say that." Soap said.
"Don't touch anything!" Price hissed.
"I'm just turning on the radio." Soap said.
"The radio is over there! Your adjusting the air conditioning!" Price yelled.
"What about this?" Soap asked.
"That's the seat adjustment." Price said.
"Oh, good. I was getting a cramp on this thing." Soap said.
Soap adjusted his seat so his chair was leaning back on Ghost.
"Damn it, lift it up!" Ghost yelled.
"I'm trying! The button isn't working!" Soap said, pressing the button.
"Don't press it like that!" Price yelled.
The chair suddenly pulled back and pressed Soap against the dashboard.
"Somebody get this thing off me!" Soap grumbled.
"Why didn't I just go alone!" Price yelled in frusteration.
The end.
Who knows what will happen next on The Call of Duty gangs vacation. Now review you SLACKERS!