All Copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.
Don't you hate computer errors? I sure as hell do. Lately, my computer just completely freezes for like half an hour for no fucking reason! To pass the time, I read some of my latest Redwall novel, High Rhulain (Which I admit is not as good as the first 6 I read). I uninstalled 4 programs and even uninstalled some of my games in a vain attempt to rid myself of this menace. Yet no avail. I've tried 2, 2 registry cleaners and windows repair and they weren't any help either! I just wanna take my computer and smash it on the floor! Minutes before writing this, I was trying to create a backup on a disk to reboot the whole damn thing and hopefully kill the damn freeze, yet the stupid backup thing keeps getting errors! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH! And another thing, this one game I got, Nocturne, doesn't work on my computer either. And theres the Battlefield 2 collection, where 90 percent of the maps can only be played while on the internet which is fucking bullshit because I use a limited data plan. Lets face it folks, computers are fucking assholes.
A man in an Orange and black Hazmat suit awoke on a small tram. He had brown hair, beard and glasses. In front of him, there was a man in a black suit. His face was old, his eyes were green and his hair was black. He held a suitcase in his right hand.
"So what is your choice mister Freeman?" The guy in the suit said as he straightened his tie.
"What choice?" The guy in the Hazmat suit said.
"Will you join my business or not?" The man in the suit said, straightening his tie again.
"What is your business?" Freeman asked.
"That is information that I cannot disclose." The man in the suit said, again straightening his tie.
"Then no." Freeman said.
"Mr. Freeman, I assure you that my business is far more pleasant than the alternative." The man in the suit said.
"Continue working at Black Mesa?" Freeman asked.
Suddenly, Freeman found himself in a location he had just visited. It was an alternate dimension with a green sky and flesh like ground. He was surrounded by seventeen aliens he encountered earlier. The worst part was that He lost his guns!
"Alright! Alright! I'll work for you!" Freeman screamed into the air.
Freeman suddenly found himself back on the tram with the creepy guy who looked like he was dead.
"I knew I could count on you Mr. Freeman." The guy said.
"Who the fuck are you anyway? I saw you all over the place at Black mesa." Freeman asked.
Before he got an answer, Freeman blacked out.
Meanwhile, in some weird alternate dimension...
A strange little creature sat on her bed. She had tan fur with long pointy ears. Her eyes were just little dots, had a head full of brown hair and wore an orange dress.
"I have to do something to help our village!" She said.
Outside of her little house, the man in the black suit crept up to her window. He set down his suitcase and peeked through it. He grabbed a weird voice changer.
"You..." He whispered through it in a stern voice.
The creature looked around confused.
"Who said that? Jowee?" She asked.
"I am your god..." The man in the suit said.
"Oh my god! The creator!" The creature said.
"Uhhh, yes..The creator! I've come to give you a sacred task!" The man in the suit said.
"...Whats sacred mean?" The creature asked.
"argh...Look, I'm going to send you a guy who will help you." The man in the suit said.
"With my lawn?" The creature asked.
"No! With eliminating the darkness!" The man in the suit yelled.
"Oh, the darkness that surrounds our village?" The creature asked.
"Yes, that darkness!" The man in the suit said impatiently.
"Can he help me with my lawn too?" The creature asked.
"Yes! For Christ's sake yes! First, you must go to uhhh..." The man in the suit thought.
"The mall?" The creature asked.
"No! You have to go to that place that is like a magic place or some shit like that.." The man in the suit said.
"You mean the creation hall?" The creature asked.
"Yes. The creation hall!" The man in the suit said.
"Right now?" The creature asked.
"Yes! Right now!" The man in the suit yelled.
"Okay..thank you Mr. creator." The creature said.
The Creature got off her bed and ran outside.
"These fucking Zhu Zhu pets are retards." The man in the suit muttered.
The creature saw another of her kind outside. He wore a white shirt with a lightning bolt on it, had blue goggles on his fore head and had short orange hair. He had a rolled up piece of paper and was about to light it with a match. The other creature angrily stormed up to him.
"JOWEE!" The first creature yelled.
"AAAAHHH! Mari! Uuhhhh,this isn't from your stash, I got it myself." Jowee said.
"Bullshit, you can't even afford fake weed!" Mari yelled.
"Come on, I can't live without the stuff. Your the one who offered me to try it." Jowee said.
Mari held out her hand. Jowee gave the joint to her.
"Besides, we have to get to the creation hall." She said, hiding it in her dress.
"Why? Are we gonna set up a meth lab there?" Jowee asked.
"No, the creator ordered me to go there. He said he would send us a Hero." Mari said.
"The creator again? Damn it Mari, your more fucked up than I am." Jowee said.
Mari kicked Jowee in the groin. He held his crotch and fell over.
"We have to tell my dad." Mari said.
"I think you broke one of them.." Jowee said in a high pitched voice.
Mari grabbed Jowee by one of his ears and dragged him to the mayor's house. That's who her father was, the mayor. He was standing out front. He had a brown bowler hat, cane, blue vest with red bowtie and an orange mustache.
"Dad! The creator spoke to me!" Mari said.
"Oh god, here we go.." The mayor sighed.
"I'm serious! He told me to go to the creation hall!" Mari said.
"Mari, the creator hasn't spoken to us in 3 years. It's probably because Jowee extinguished the sacred flame." The Mayor said.
"Hey, I had to go." Jowee said.
"Were you smoking again?" The mayor asked.
"No! I haven't had a smoke since this morning." Mari said.
"Mari, this is like, the 15th time you've told me the creator spoke to you. Let's face it, he left us to rot." The mayor said.
The mayor went back inside city hall. Mari, furious, dragged Jowee over to the creation hall. Inside was a bunch of old papers and a mannequin.
"Sweet! Free paper!" Jowee said.
"Jowee, shut up. This is serious." Mari hissed.
"I'm just saying." Jowee said.
"Creator! Show us our new savior!" Mari said.
Nothing happened.
"See? Your dad was-" Jowee started.
Meanwhile, in some big black void...
"Wake up Mr. Freeman..." The man in the suit said.
Freeman opened his eyes and shrieked when he saw the man in the suit's eye jammed right into his face.
"I know your one who deserves a rest more than any other." The man in the suit continued.
"Damn it! Don't do that!" Freeman yelled.
"The right person in the wrong place can make the biggest difference." The man in the suit said.
"Can you hurry it up, my muscles are stiff." Freeman said.
"Your time has come again, wake up and smell the ashes." The man in the suit said.
Freeman slowly regained his sight and found himself in some room with papers. He was startled by the weird hamster creatures.
"Holy shit, it worked!" Jowee said.
Chapter 11:Drawn to Half life
Freeman nervously looked around.
"Hi, I'm-" Mari started.
Freeman grabbed a nearby chair and smashed it over Jowee's head. Then he took one of the legs and stabbed him repeatedly with it. Blood splattered all over his face. When Jowee was rapidly bleeding to death, Freeman turned to Mari, wooden stake in hand.
"Wait! Are you psycho or something!" Mari asked.
"You fucking Aliens aren't gonna fool me!" Freeman yelled.
"Aliens? I'm not an Alien, I'm a Raposa." Mari said.
"Who gives a shit? Your all the same to me!" Freeman said.
"I thought you were supposed to help us." Mari said.
"Help you? Why in hell's name would I help you?" Freeman asked.
"Because the creator said he would send us a hero." Mari said, the stake barely touching her fore head.
Freeman grabbed Mari by the neck and picked her up.
"Who the fuck is the creator!" He spat in her face, filled with anger.
"He's the strange invisible guy who created our world. He spoke to me in my room." Mari said.
Jowee coughed up more blood. Freeman side kicked him in the face. Freeman calmed down and set Mari down. He clearly was suppressing his anger because his smile was forced and his eyes said "I'm gonna kill you and rape your dead corpse!"
"Now let me get this straight. Your weird creator said he would send you a hero and you think that's who I am?" Freeman asked impatiently.
"Yes." Mari said happily.
"Look doll, this isn't a fucking fairy tale. The only real god is science." Freeman said.
"What's science?" Mari asked dumbly.
Freeman put his palm in his face.
"You know what? Screw this, I'm going home." Freeman said.
Freeman turned around and banged his head on the door frame. The door was shorter than he was. Crouching, he left the building and looked around. He felt like he was in 1815.
"Damn it, how the hell am I going to get home?" Freeman wondered.
Suddenly, a previous message burnt itself into his mind, along with an image of the man in the suit.
"The right man in the wrong place can make the biggest difference." The man in the suit said.
Freeman realized that he was the hero the weird hamster girl was talking about and the creator was the man in the suit. He turned around and banged his head on the door frame again. He crouched under it and saw Mari giving Jowee CPR.
"Breath Jowee, Breath!" She kept yelling at him.
"Your not helping, outta the way." Freeman said, shoving her aside.
Freeman grabbed a pencil off the floor and pulled some string loose from Jowee's shirt. He tied the string around the pencil. He stabbed the pencil through the edge of one of his stab wounds and stabbed it through the other side repeatedly until the wound was sewn up. Then he sewed up the other stab wounds.
"Is he going to be okay?" Mari asked.
"I don't think he'll make it. He lost a lot of blood." Freeman said.
"What's blood?" Mari asked.
Freeman put his palm in his face again. He tore off a piece of Jowee's shirt and began wiping the floor with it.
"Why are you cleaning the floor at a time like this?" Mari asked.
"I'm toweling up the blood." Freeman said.
"You mean the cherry coolaid?" Mari asked.
"How the hell do you idiots survive with that brain?" Freeman muttered.
Freeman squeezed the blood into a glass jar and pulled open one of Jowee's wounds. He simply poured the blood back into it. Then he sewed it up again. Jowee coughed as he came back to the world of the living.
"What the hell happened? All I remember was a chair and I was a vampire." Jowee said weakly.
"The hero saved you!" Mari squealed.
"My name is Dr. Gordon Freeman." Gordon said.
"Thanks Dr. Goron." Jowee said.
"Gordon." Gordon corrected.
"Lets go show him to my dad!" Mari said.
"What do you think I am? A pet?" Gordon asked.
Mari took Gordon's hand and lead him outside, Jowee staggered after her. When they came to her dad's house, there was a note pinned on the door.
"Dad want's me to go shopping again? But I just did today." Mari said, clueless.
Gordon took the note off the door.
"It says your dad is sick and tired of listening to your insanity and left the village for snow mountain." Gordon said.
"Ahhhh Man! Why the hell didn't he take us? I love snow." Jowee said.
"It's not cocaine retard, he means the mountain that is actually covered in real snow." Mari said.
"You mean crack?" Jowee asked.
Mari put her face in her palm in frustration.
"We have to save him!" Mari yelled.
"Gorgon can save him!" Jowee said.
"Gordon." Gordon corrected.
"Quickly! To the village entrance!" Mari said.
Mari took Gordon's hand and guided him there. Before they could set foot outside of it, a strange figure appeared. It was the same shape as Jowee and Mari, but it was covered in black goo. It's eyes and mouth were all that's visible.
"Where do you children think your going?" He asked.
"Outta the way freak, we're going to save my dad." Mari said.
"The mayor? I'm afraid he's staying at one of my hotels right now." The figure asked.
"Really? Can I stay at one?" Mari asked.
"I was being sarcastic, he's my prisoner." The figure said.
Gordon leaned against the post of the gate, resting his head on his arm. He was bored out of his mind with this gay encounter. He glanced to the right and saw what looked like an old toolbox.
"Who the hell are you anyway? You look like one of those tar guys from Condemned 2:Bloodshot." Mari said.
"I am Wilfre. Master of Darkness." The figure said.
Gordon opened the small toolbox and found something familiar. It was a red crowbar with gray tips, his first weapon from the original Half Life.
"Darkness? Do you know how unoriginal that is?" Mari asked.
"Yes, I know I wasn't the first to use 'Darkness' as my element, but it's such a big theme." Wilfre said.
Gordon took the Crowbar out of the toolbox and looked at Wilfre, then the crowbar, then Wilfre again.
"You are aware there are like, 20 other elements out there, right?" Mari asked.
"Will you just stop it with the theme thing? I'm trying to make my first evil appearance-" Wilfre started.
Before Wilfre could continue, a red crowbar stabbed into his head, courtesy of Gordon. Gordon pulled it out and bashed him with the blunt end.
"I wasn't finished yet!" Wilfre said.
"Take you corny drama club somewhere else." Gordon said.
Gordon kicked Wilfre back into the clouds of Darkness that surrounded the village.
"Hurray! You kicked his ass Gordon!" Mari said.
"Uhh, thanks. I don't see how the fuck we're supposed to get through these black air molecules though." Gordon said.
"You mean the darkness?" Jowee asked.
"Yeah, the darkness." Gordon said.
"We can leave through the snow gate!" Mari said.
"Snow gate? How many gates does this village have?" Gordon asked.
"I don't know, maybe elevendy." Jowee said.
"Come on!" Mari said.
Mari lead Jowee and Gordon to the snow gate. It had a small snow man next to it.
"Please! Find my dad! He's my only connection to drug markets!" Mari asked.
"Your not coming?" Gordon asked.
"We don't have any weapons. And besides, Jowee would get killed by a cockroach" Mari said.
"Would not!" Jowee said.
Mari kicked Jowee in the groin again. He fell over and Gordon chuckled.
"This isn't the first time I've had to do all the work." Gordon said.
"I'm so happy you understand." Mari said.
"Yeah, I completely understand that I have to do all the work." Gordon said.
Gordon opened the snow gate and entered. He found himself in a winter wonderland filled with mountains. He started walking down the path when he saw these weird creatures. They had purple fur, white faces, had no arms, wore scarves, and where the size of a goomba from those crappy Mario games.
"These things make headcrabs look like Pillow pets." He muttered.
Drawing his crowbar, he battered them rapidly with the sharp point, spraying blood on his hazard suit. Soon, they all laid on the ground, dead and bleeding. They dropped these strange brown coins, which Gordon picked up.
"Hmmmm, looks like a case of Marioitus, the dropping of currency from dead creatures." Gordon said.
Taking the coins, Gordon proceeded down the path. He came to a gap. Using his suit's sprint function, he leaped over it with ease. Then he saw another new entity. It was a large black form with little beady white eyes. It looked very similar to Wilfre. Gordon sprinted up to it and bashed it repeatedly in the head with his crowbar before it could counter. It died and dropped more coins.
After an hour of killing retarded creatures, Gordon finally saw the Mayor in a black goo cage. He bashed it repeatedly until it shattered and the mayor jumped in happiness.
"Thank you for saving me!" The mayor said.
"Your daughter sent me to find you." He said.
"Mari? I knew she would send help if she wanted access to those drug markets." The mayor said.
The mayor and Gordon returned to the village, where Jowee and Mari were waiting.
"DAD! Your alive! (shit, there goes my inheritance)." Mari said and muttered.
"This black goo covered fag, Wilfre, used some weird magic to trap me. It's a good thing this weird creature saved me." The mayor said, referring to Gordon.
"He's the hero the creator sent." Mari said.
"I have a name you know." Gordon said.
"You know that grease covered tard?" Mari asked.
"Oh yeah, it's a long story. You see-" The Mayor started.
"Look, am I done here? Have I saved your world now?" Gordon asked.
"Oh no. The darkness still covers most of the village and most of the villagers are still missing." The mayor said.
"Well how do I clear all this?" Gordon asked.
"First, we must relight the sacred flame." The mayor said.
"How do I do that?" Gordon asked impatiently.
"You must find the page of it for the book of life." The mayor said.
"Oh my god. HOW DO I DO THAT!" Gordon demanded.
"Oh, just go back to the snow gate and search for it there." The mayor said.
"Thank you." Gordon said impatiently.
"Bring me any weed you find!" Jowee asked.
So Gordon went back through the snow gate. After killing more stupid creatures, he came to a sign with a pen on it.
"Draw a cloud that can be used as a platform!" It said.
"What the fuck?" Gordon said.
Gordon took the pen and sketched a very detailed picture of a cloud. After finishing, he saw that very cloud floating over a gap.
"This world just keeps getting retarded." He muttered.
After foraging around, Gordon found the page to the book of life and also freed 3 other Raposas. One had blue pants with a yellow shirt with glasses. Another wore a blue dress with pigtails, and the last also wore a blue dress with medium sized hair. Gordon lead them all back to the village.
"Isaac! Your back!" The mayor said.
"Those weird monsters captured my family. Thankfully, this guy saved us." The one in glasses said.
"Did you find any weed?" Jowee asked anxiously.
"What? Heavens no!" Isaac said.
"Not you! Gorson!" Jowee said.
"GORDON! And no, I didn't." Gordon said.
"Awwww. I guess I'll have to use Farmer Brown's Tranquilizers again." Jowee said.
"Did you recover the page?" The mayor asked.
Gordon handed the page to the mayor. The mayor then put it back in the book of life.
"Now the creator must draw the flame!" The mayor said.
Meanwhile, in a strange office..
The man in the suit sat at his desk, typing on his computer. He was editing his Facebook page when he got an email. It said to draw a flame. The Man opened his Paint program and drew a flame that looked like one that was draw by a five year old. Then he submitted it before returning to his peeps on Facebook.
Back in the weird magic land...
A blue flame ignited on the sacred fireplace.
"We are protected once again!" The mayor said.
"I could light a huge Joint with that." Mari thought.
"Would you kindly use the Flame to clear the darkness away from my shop now?" Isaac asked.
"How do I do that?" Gordon asked.
"Just touch it." The mayor said.
Gordon poked the flame with his crowbar and a beam of light shot into the sky. It struck the dark clouds surrounding Isaac's shop and they turned a dull gray and vanished. Isaac jumped with Joy as he ran up to his shop.
"Aww man, they broke my bocker lounger." he said.
"Am I finished now?" Gordon asked.
"Almost..." The mayor said.
72 hours later...
Gordon came back from the recently opened Beach gate for the seventeenth time. The snow around the village had melted, thanks to the new sun. Gordon couldn't believe all the retarded things he had to get for the rapos. They asked for stuff like food, signs, rain, night, drugs, toys, video games, TVs, affordable houses, Prostitutes, strippers, clothes, cars, and guns. What's confusing is that all this stuff came from pages for the book of life. Jowee ran up to him.
"Did you get it!" He asked anxiously.
"Yes." Gordon said boringly.
He went to the mayor and handed him the 64th page for the Book of Life so far.
"Good, now-" The mayor started.
"The creator has to draw it." Gordon finished.
Back in the creepy gray office...
The man in the suit had just finished another stupid drawing email when he suddenly got another. He growled as he opened it and drew a beach ball, which was the request. Then he sent it and threw his computer out the window.
Back in magic land...
A beach ball fell out of the sky Jowee grabbed it and took it to Mari, who was on the beach in her orange bikini, sun tanning.
"Mari! He got it!" Jowee said.
"Your blocking my sun idiot." She said.
Jowee ran down the beach like a retard. Gordon stood in front of Mari.
"Your blocking my sun..." Mari said.
"How does any of this have to do with destroying the darkness?" Gordon demanded.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Mari muttered.
"Nothing! For the past 3 days, you've been sending me to several ridiculous locations to bring back items on your shopping list! I have stuff to do and I can't leave until the darkness is dead! So how the fuck do I destroy the darkness!" Gordon demanded.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Mari said.
Gordon yelled in rage like a wild animal. He flipped over Mari and her sun chair and stormed off towards the remaining clouds of darkness.
"Wait! You'll die if you-" Mari started.
Gordon walked right through the clouds without any harm, thanks to his hazard suit.
"Go in the clouds." Mari finished.
Gordon reached a large gate that looked like it had been pulled out of a coloring book because it was all white.
"HEY! FUCKING CREATOR! OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR!" He yelled.
Sadly, the man in the suit's laptop lay broken in the parking lot of his 30 story building.
"Fuck this." Gordon said.
Gordon took out his crowbar and jammed it into the crack on the door. He pulled on it hard, and strangely, he managed to wedge open the door. He went inside and found himself inside a dark castle. He strolled down the halls, butchering any retarded monsters that got in his way.
Eventually, he got to a wide open room where Wilfre was floating in the air.
"So, you decided to pay me a visit?" Wilfre asked.
Gordon pulled out his Zero point energy field manipulator (AKA Gravity Gun), which could grab objects and throw them. He sucked up a Rock on the ground and punted it at Wilfre, which hit him right on the head.
"That is not cool bro. Scorpion! Attack!" Wilfre shouted.
A giant scorpion with armor over it's head smashed through a nearby wall. Gordon peppered it with bullets from his MP7, but they just bounced off it. Then he pulled out his laser guided Rocket launcher. He fired a rocket past the scorpion then swung it back around and hit it from behind, severing it's tail. Then he boldly jumped on it's head and used his crowbar to pry the armor plate off it. Then he stabbed it's brain with it. It collapsed to the floor dead.
"You may have defeated my scorpion, but I control all the power of darkness!" Wilfre said.
Gordon pulled out his Glutton Gun, which is a laser with a large tank on his back. Wilfre gasped at the sight of it. Gordon shot a blue beam at Wilfre, who screamed in agony because of the pain. He fell to the floor, weak. And as he looked up, he saw Gordon jam his crowbar into his eye socket. Gordon actually pried Wilfre's skull off and stabbed his brain. Wilfre fell to the ground dead and dissipated.
Gordon came back through the gate he opened, the dark clouds around him were gone. He went over to Mari, who was standing next to Jowee.
"THERE! Now can I leave!" Gordon demanded in their faces.
Suddenly, time froze.
"Is it really that time again Mr. Freeman?" The man in the suit said, appearing out of nowhere.
"I fucking hope so. These rabbit things just wanted to get stuff for them." Gordon said.
"You have done so much in such a short amount of time. I have another offer for you, but this time, I will make the decision for you." The man in the suit said.
"Whatever just get me out of here." Gordon said.
The man in the suit walked away from Gordon and a door opened out of nowhere to his right. The man straightened his tie and walked through the door. The door closed and everything went black.
"At least I'm not in TF141." Gordon muttered.
Soap jolted awake in the humvee. The gang had stopped at a gas station for gas. Price was still at the wheel while Ghost put the gas in. Roach was inside the store buying candy.
"God..How long was I out?" Soap asked.
"5 minutes. I was telling you the story about my excursion with cannibals in Africa." Price said.
"Oh god, don't start that again! Jesus, I had a dream about some weird guy serving these weird little hamster things." Soap asked.
"Maybe you should stop watching reruns of Hamtaro on the TV!" Price said, pointing at the screen.
"Hell, it's a lot better than the crap you watch!" Soap said.
Ghost got back in the car.
"Alright, we're all filled up. Did we have to use my card?" He asked.
"Yes, I lost mine." Price said.
"Than what's that?" Ghost asked, pointing to a green card on the dashboard.
Price grabbed it and swallowed it.
"What's what?" He asked.
"The card you just swallowed." Ghost said.
"I didn't swallow any card." Price said, a big bulge in his thraot.
Roach got back in the car holding a plastic bag full of candy.
"Alrighty! Lets get er going!" He said.
"Your a cheap ass, you know that?" Ghost said to Price.
"Every buck you save is something else to buy with." Price said.
"Seriously guys, can we leave already?" Roach asked.
"What's the rush?" Soap asked, still watching Hamtaro.
"I didn't pay for this stuff." Roach said.
Suddenly, the store owner came running out at them with a golf club. Price stepped on the gas and their humvee took off down the long desert road.
To be continued...