Channel 13: Saints whoa
I know it seems kinda random, but I thought it up in the shower and cracked me up.
In France, at a weird looking apartment building, there were 2 Anthropomorphic puppies. One was Black with a blue scarf that was named Gaspard. The other was white with a red scarf, her name was Lisa. They were sitting in Lisa's apartment's living room. They were having a crisis.
"I can't believe I have to share my room with my bitch sister Victoria!" Lisa exclaimed.
"It's only for one more night, until your dad finishes putting up her new wallpaper." Gaspard said.
"That's what he said several nights ago." Lisa pointed out.
"Why is he taking so long?" Gaspard asked.
Meanwhile, at a nearby bar...
Lisa's father was at the bar counter, sitting next to 17 empty glasses.
"Bar tender, another beer." He mumbled.
Back at Lisa's apartment...
"If her room isn't finished soon, I'm gonna smother her with a pillow. Oh fuck it! I'm just gonna stab that bitch!" Lisa yelled.
Lisa grabbed a knife from the kitchen and started running towards her room where Victoria was. Gaspard grabbed her arms and pressed her against the wall.
"Lisa! Don't do this! We'll just finish the room ourselves!" Gaspard said.
"But Dad said we were too young to help." Lisa said.
"Then we need to find someone who can." Gaspard said.
"But who? Mom can't do it." Lisa said.
"Do you hear a helicopter by chance?" Gaspard asked.
Suddenly, a helicopter smashed through the wall and a strange man climbed out of the cockpit. He wore blue jeans with a purple hoodie. His hair was thin and black with a black beard mustache combo.
"Ahhhhh! Who the hell are you?" Gaspard asked nervously, brandishing Lisa's knife.
"I'm the leader of the kick ass gang, the 3rd Street Saints! And I'm ere to elp you get your bitch ass sister's room done!" The man said.
"Why are you guys fixing rooms?" Lisa asked.
"Well, after we ass raped the Syndicate to death, we got bored shooting random cops. So we decided to help out troubled kids like yourselves with their sibling problems! We already helped Ruby from Max and Ruby!" The Boss said.
"What did you do for her?" Gaspard asked.
"We bashed her dumb ass brother in the head with a sex toy a couple of times." The boss.
"Could you maybe stop cursing so much? This is a children's show." Lisa said.
"Are you shitting me? Fuck that! I'm gonna curse more than those bitches in Watchmen: The end is Nigh!" The Boss said.
"Okay...So your gonna put up my sister's wallpaper?" Lisa asked.
"Hell yeah! But first, let's get her punk ass out of here so she doesn't ruin the surprise. Where is she?" The boss asked.
"In Lisa's room." Gaspard said.
The boss walked into Lisa's Room and grabbed Victoria by her shoulders. He calmly carried her out into the living room.
"Hey! Who the hell are you?! Let me go! Let me go! My daddy's gonna to sue you!" Victoria whined.
"Sorry bitch, go do Ballet or whatever shit you do." The boss said.
The boss tossed Victoria out of their 5th floor window. He dusted off his hands like it was nothing.
"Okay, to do this right, I'm gonna need to call in some homies." The boss said.
The boss pulled out his slick cell phone and made some calls on it. Before Gaspard and Lisa knew it, their apartment was filled with a bunch of creepy ass people.
"This is my crew. This is Pierce, Shandi, Oleg, Kinzie, Zimos, Angel, Viola, Jane Valderama, Troy Bradshaw, Legal lee, Mr. Wong, Tobias, Will, Samantha, Laura, Zombie Carlos, Zombie Lin, Zombie Gat and finally, Chicken Ned!" The boss said, introducing his buddies.
There were so many different faces, it would take weeks to describe them all. Just play the games or look them up online. You'll see them somewhere.
"So where is this ho's room?" The boss asked.
"It's over here." Lisa said.
Lisa lead the large crew to her sister's room, where the wall paper was partially up.
"Pink with white flowers? This shit won't do. Zimos, what do you recommend?" The boss asked.
"Purple with white girl silhouettes would look real sexy." The pimp in the purple coat and gold vocalizer sang.
"Alright, Pierce, Shandi, you 2 get the paper. Take my Emu." The boss said, holding out his keys.
"You have a pet Emu?" Gaspard asked.
"No, it's a retarded smart car." The black guy in a white suit said.
Pierce and Shandi took the keys and left.
"Alright, now lets add some spice while we wait. Any ideas?" The boss asked.
"Ugghhghhhhhh," Zombie Carlos said (he wears a white tank top with purple pants).
"No way Carlos, a washing machine would be a complete turn off." The boss said.
"Stripper poles would get a triple A." Zimos said.
"Perfect! Oleg, go down to the sex shop and grab some." The boss said.
"I will go as fast as my bulky legs will carry me." Oleg, the freakishly bulk guy in a gray suit said.
Oleg smashed through where Lisa's door was since he couldn't fit through it.
"Now we'll definitely need a 500 inch Plasma screen!" The boss said.
"Don't you think your going a bit too far? My sister already has furniture for this room." Lisa said.
"A rotating bed would be nice." Samantha, the naked woman said.
"We could probably fit a piano in here." Laura, the woman in green pants and blouse said.
"Lets put a meth lab over there!" Tobias, the guy without a shirt and green pants said.
"Whoa Whoa Whoa! I think this isn't necessary! We only hired you to put up her wallpaper." Lisa said.
"Ahh don't be such a bitch! You sis will love this shit!" The boss said.
"A Jade statue would improve the funschway." Mr Wong, the chinese guy in the bowler hat and green robe said.
"Let's just decorate the whole place if we're putting all this work into it." Viola, the girl in black said.
"Bitchin idea! Let's pimp this entire pad!" The boss said, enthusiastically.
"No! My mom will kill me!" Lisa said.
"Why don't you 2 just wait outside?" The boss said.
The boss picked up Gaspard and Lisa by their scarves and carried them outside and locked them out. Victoria was there too.
"I'm telling dad what you did!" Victoria threatened.
"I've had it with you bitch!" Lisa yelled, tackling Victoria.
"Yeah! Kick her ass Lisa!" Gaspard cheered.
Meanwhile, inside the apartment, The Saints had their work cut out for them. Laura and Tobias were placing drug packages in the kitchen cabinets. Zimos and Viola were installing a hot tub in the bathroom. Pierce and Shaundi returned with the new wallpaper and started putting it up all over the place. Oleg was setting up the stripper poles. And the zombie characters were devouring Lisa's little sister, Lila.
An hour later...
Gaspard was restraining Victoria by her arms.
"Say it!" Lisa said.
Lisa punched Victoria in the face with her right fist. Vic spat out blood from her mouth.
"Say it!" Lisa yelled.
Lisa grabbed Victoria's head and bashed it into her own. Blood shot out of her nose. She coughed up blood.
"Alright...I'm a whore." Victoria said.
"And?" Lisa asked.
"Fuck you." Victoria said.
Lisa jump kicked Victoria in the mouth, shooting more blood all over the place.
"And I'm adopted." Victoria said.
"Keep going." Lisa said, smiling evilly.
"I was wrong to constantly boss you around. Your the best child of the family. I had unprotected sex with Gaspard's brother Charles and had an abortion." Victoria said.
"We should have done this years ago." Gaspard said.
"Maybe we can do it to your brother next." Lisa said.
"Awesome!" Gaspard said.
"Can you let me go now?" Victoria asked.
"Not yet, first you have to suck Gaspard's-" Lisa started.
"Yo! We're all finished!" The boss yelled.
"Damn it." Gaspard mumbled.
"Put these blind folds on." The boss said.
"Aren't these thongs?" Lisa asked.
"Who cares? Put them on." The boss said.
The boss tied the thongs over the puppie's eyes. He guided them back into their apartment. Where he removed them.
"Check out your new crib!" The boss said.
The dogs couldn't believe their eyes. Purple wall paper was hung up everywhere. Their were purple couches in the living room behind a 1000 inch TV. The bathroom had a large hot tub inside that took up half of the room. Most notable of wall was the disco ball in the center.
"What the? Why is there? What the fuck?" Victoria screamed.
"Let's give you a grand tour of the place." The boss said.
The boss lead them to the kitchen, which was full of smoke, courtesy of Laura and Tobias' joints.
"At first, it looks like an average kitchen, but..." The boss said.
The boss hit his fist on the counter and it flipped over revealing a burner and vials.
"A well hidden Meth lab!" The boss said.
"(Cough cough) I can't see." Lisa said.
"Onwards!" The boss yelled.
The boss lead them to Lila's room. The zombies were passed out all over the floor. Lisa looked in Lila's crib.
"She's gone! Where is she?" Lisa gasped.
"Ahhh don't worry, shes probably playing 'Zombie uprising' on your new TV." The boss said.
As the boss lead them out of the room, Zombie Carlos ate some of the flesh off Lila's leg. The boss now lead them to Victoria's room, which had stripper poles, a rotating bed, and a cabinet full of tampons.
"What the..." Victoria muttered.
"And heres your bitch ass sister's room. Awesome ain't it?" The boss said.
"What the hell did you do to our house? You fucking turned it into some kind of strip club!" Victoria yelled.
"Hell no, it's more like Safe word, we have a sex room too!" The boss said.
"You people are nothing but a bunch of ghetto retards! Everyone thinks your so cool, but your really just a bunch of homeless bums!" Victoria yelled.
The boss, Pierce, and Shaudi gave grim looks at Victoria. Suddenly, they pulled out Beretta 92Fs and aimed them at her. Gaspard and Lisa jumped behind Victoria's bed as multiple gun shots were heard. Victoria's corpse finally hit the floor, completely riddled with Bullet holes.
"The hookers have arrived." Zimos said.
Everybody cheered as women in skimpy clothing filled the apartment. The boss started humping one of them.
"Thank god my Brother wasn't putting any wallpaper up." Gaspard said, watching in horror.
"Oh actually, your bro did call us earlier." Pierce said, sitting on the bed with a hooker sitting on his lap.
"Oh no!" Gaspard screamed.
Meanwhile, at Gaspard's apartment...
Gaspard's brother, Charles, Was sitting on his bed, getting a lap dance from a hooker.
"God, I love Saint's Row." He said to himself quietly.
"Join us next week when we help out Charlie and Lola!" The boss said.
Preview of that episode...
A blonde boy in a shirt with blue sleeves that had "Charlie" written on it stood behind his sister Lola, who was also blonde and wore a crazy colored dress.
"Bed time." Charlie said.
"It is not bed time." Lola said.
Suddenly, a large purple plastic male genital hit her on the head, held by the Boss.
"Get your bitch ass in bed!" He yelled.
Lola screamed, running to her room. The boss chased after her. Charlie laughed as a hooker came behind him and rubbed his shoulders.
"I should have called these guys a long time ago." Charlie said.
End (for now...)
Again, sorry for taking so long. Been focusing on Biojock. Please review!