Channel 13
All copyright material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.
Chapter 52: Silent Hill: Shattered Vase
Do you know what I saw on TV? Gaspard and Lisa. I know it's a children's show, but for some reason, I can't stop watching it. It reminds me so much of another children's book that I also enjoy. Anyway, I really wanted to make a chapter about it. I have several ideas actually, this is just one.
SPOILER ALERT! If you have not played through Silent Hill 2 and want to learn everything for yourself, stop reading immediately!
Now, in the Silent Hill series, there is an entity know as Pyramid Head/ Boogey man (every Silent Hill fan should know him). According to my Silent Hill Homecoming strategy guide, he is a symbol of guilt felt by someone. Gaspard and Lisa are frequently responsible for things that could cause them guilt, so I got this wicked idea to mash them together. Enjoy!
One day in Paris France, a short black dog walked down the street. He had a blue scarf wrapped around his neck and an orange European shoulder bag (In other words, a man purse). He had yellow eyes and a pink nose. Most people would be shocked to see a black dog walking upright wearing clothing, but for some reason, all the other French people didn't seem to care.
Anyway, he entered this weird apartment building (It looked like a building you'd see at an industrial area) and walked right past the bulletin board without even noticing the weird red symbol that was painted on it with blood. He started climbing the stairs. On the 3rd floor, he passed a door that had a shitload of chains covering it and like 15 pieces of paper stuck under it's door. From behind the door, a man in a white shirt in jeans and brown hair pounded on the door screaming for help.
Sadly, the dog continued up the stairs, leaving the weird man to starve. The dog reached the 6th floor and knocked on the door to another apartment. Seconds later, another little dog answered it. She was the same size as the black one, but she was white and wore a red scarf.
"Hi Lisa." The Black dog said.
"Gaspard, I was wondering when you'd get here." Lisa said.
"My father was using his car to run down American Tourists again." Gaspard said.
Somewhere else in Paris, an adult black dog with a tie revved the engine of his car as soon as he saw a large group of college kids.
Gaspard entered Lisa's apartment.
"So did you get it?" Lisa asked.
Gaspard reached into his man purse and pulled out a small black box. He flipped it open to reveal a small amount of white powder.
"Charles didn't even notice." Gaspard said.
In case you didn't know, Charles is Gaspard's older brother. Not too long ago he learned how easy it was to make his own drugs and has been doing so ever since. Fortunately, the place he hides all of it is in Gaspard's underwear drawer. Speaking of which, why does he even have an underwear drawer if he doesn't wear any?
"And you said this stuff makes you see unicorns?" Lisa asked.
"It made Charles see them. He kept saying things like 'come back unicorn, I just want to be friends'." Gaspard said.
"Lisa? Is that Gaspard?" Lisa's father asked from in the kitchen.
"Oh no! We can't let papa see that! Or else he'll send me to rehab again!" Lisa panicked.
"Why did he send you there the first time?" Gaspard asked.
"I got a hold of one of his cigarettes." Lisa said.
Flashback...
"Lisa! Stop smoking those! Those things aren't cheap!" Lisa's father said.
Lisa had 15 cigs in her mouth.
"I'll stop when I'm ready!" Lisa said, agitated.
Back to the present...
"Hide them!" Lisa said.
Gaspard looked around. He saw an air vent, a pack of condoms, and Lisa's mother's favorite vase. For some reason, he chose the latter. He dumped the coke inside of it. When Lisa's father came in, Gaspard and Lisa were just standing there whistling suspiciously.
"You kids alright in here?" Lisa's father asked.
"Us? Oh yeah. Just...drawing." Lisa said.
"Drawing? On what?" Lisa's father asked.
"I think I saw some thugs vandalizing your car, Lisa's dad." Gaspard said.
"Oh shit!" Lisa's dad cursed as he rushed down the stairs.
"Alright, back to the white stuff." Lisa said.
"Charles just sniffs it up his nose with a straw." Gaspard said.
"Good, theres some straws in the kitchen." Lisa said.
Lisa and Gaspard got some straws from the kitchen and returned to the vase. They pulled chairs nearby and stood on them so they could reach inside the vase with the straws. Gaspard did first.
"So how is it?" Lisa asked.
Gaspard just laughed. Lisa sniffed some of the coke too and she also began to laugh.
"I don't know what I'm laughing about!" Gaspard said.
Suddenly, Gaspard fell over and knocked the vase over as well. It hit floor, shattering.
"Oh no. My moms favorite vase!" Lisa said, still laughing.
"Don't worry, we'll just hide it." Gaspard said, still laughing as well.
Gaspard got a garbage bag and shoved the fragments of the vase into it. Then, he and Lisa threw it out a nearby window.
Meanwhile, on the closest highway...
"Damn it Price! How the hell did we end up in France?" Soap demanded.
"I thought the plane said Frankfort Kentucky!" Price said.
"Maybe if you didn't drink too much, you'd see that it said Paris France!" Soap said.
"I have to take a piss." Roach said.
"For Christ's sake, we just stopped 5 minutes ago!" Ghost said.
"I didn't have enough time." Roach said.
"Well forget it. We ain't stopping for nothing else!" Price said.
Suddenly, the bag Gaspard threw out the window landed on the hood of their jeep and obscured the windshield.
"What the fuck!?" Price cursed.
Price swerved to the left and slammed into another car.
"Damn it Price! Pull over!" Soap yelled.
"I'm trying to get the damn bag off the window!" Price yelled.
"Just pull the fucking thing over!" Soap yelled.
The jeep went right through a guard rail and landed on it's side in an alley.
"Theres glass in my eyes!" Soap yelled.
"Stop your belly aching! Let's just get out." Price said.
Price unbuckled his seatbelt and fell on Soap.
"I can't feel my ribs!" Soap said.
Price straightened himself up and stood on Soap's chest, reaching for the driver's door.
"Damn it. It's locked!" Price said.
"Just hit the unlock button!" Ghost said.
"I can't find it!" Price said.
"It's right on the arm rest!" Ghost said.
"The arm rest is smashed to hell!" Price said.
"Aww shit. Just break the fucking window." Ghost said.
Price elbowed the window and shattered it.
"AAAAHHHHH! You got glass in my open wounds!" Soap screeched.
"Will you shut up for ten bloody seconds!?" Price yelled.
Price stomped on Soap's ribs, injuring him more.
"I still have to take a piss." Roach said.
All the others groaned.
"There...Your mom will never know." Gaspard said, still laughing.
2 months later...
Gaspard was walking to down the street with his father. They were going to get his nerdy brother from computer club. (I know that sounded mean, but it's just for humors sake). For some queer reason, there was a thick bale of fog covering the entire street.
"Papa, why did you name me Gaspard?" Gaspard asked.
"Well, you see, No one in our family had a french sounding name so I tried to think of the most stereotypical one I could think of. I wanted Lerue, but I think some other guy was named that. Oh, here we are. Wait here." Gaspard's father said.
Gaspard's father went inside to fetch his brother. Gaspard's eyes glanced across the ground and saw some kind of red liquid smeared on the ground.
"Mmmm, Cherry Koolaid." Gaspard muttered.
Gaspard got on his knees and rubbed his tongue across the liquid. After a second, he spit it out.
"Yuck, it has gravel and stuff in it." He said.
Gaspard noticed the smear continued around the corner of the building. He followed it and it lead into a small tunnel blocked by some boards. He slipped through them and saw a radio laying on a stack of boards, which he picked up. It said nothing but static.
"Must be an American radio." He said, slipping it into his man purse.
Suddenly, something behind the boards caught his eye. From behind the board rose a weird figure. It had dark tan skin and another layer of skin encased over it's upper torso. Judging by the appearance, it looked like a woman in a straight jacket, but Gaspard thought even his nerdy brother wouldn't be attracted to it.
"Uhhhhh...Hello madame. Is something wrong?" Gaspard asked.
The thing said nothing. It started slowly waddling towards Gaspard. Gaspard's eye grew wider.
"Oh no, it's a child rapist!" He panicked
The opening Gaspard came through was shut by a fallen door. He banged on the boards yelling "Stranger danger!" over and over again. He turned to face the monster and reached in his bag. After shuffling through a bunch of crap, he pulled out his mom's compact Walther PPK. He started firing blindly, hitting several walls of the tunnel, but missing the creature. Fortunately, he scored a direct hit on the creature's head with the last bullet. The creature fell backwards, dead.
"This thing reminds me of Lisa's older sister, Victoria." Gaspard said.
Gaspard managed to pry the boards away with a crowbar he kept in his bag. He ran back to the front of the building and ran inside to find his father.
"Dad! Dad! I just killed this insane woman caught in her bath towel!" Gaspard yelled running through the hall.
Gaspard charged into this one room, hoping his brother would be there. Unfortunately, the room was full of this weird things on all fours with suction cups on their feet and weird tubes around their noses (They're called Slurpers). Gaspard screamed and ran away, causing the things to stampede through the door after him. He swung open a door to a closet and barricaded himself inside. He turned around and screamed along with another black dog with headphones around his neck that was in the room with him.
"Charles! You alive!" Gaspard said.
"SSSHHHHH! They'll hear you." Charles said.
"What are those things?" Gaspard whispered.
"How the fuck should I know? They just broke in through the bathroom." Charles whispered.
"Why the bathroom?" Gaspard whispered.
"How the fuck should I know?" Charles said.
Earlier that day...
A man in a green coat with jeans walked into the bathroom. He passed one of the stalls and noticed the toilet was clogged.
"Why is this damn thing always jammed?" He asked himself.
He stuck his left arm down the filthy bowl into the plug. When he pulled his arm back out, his hand was missing. He looked back at the toilet and a slurper broke through the surface of the water and grabbed James Sunderland's face with it's mouth. It pulled his head down into the toilet. James pushed against the toilet to try to pull his head out. Then, for some reason, the slurper managed to pull his entire body down the drain.
Back in the closet...
"What are we going to do?" Gaspard asked.
Charles put his hand on his chin.
"I've got it!" Charles said.
He grabbed Gaspard, opened the door, kicked him out and slammed the door behind him. Gaspard panicked and ran down the hall with a horde of slurpers behind him. Since we aren't getting much humor out of this, lets got to a commercial.
In a lovely kitchen, Gaspard was at the counter stirring cake batter in a bowl. Batter was splashed everywhere. Lisa came up to him.
"Hi Gaspard, what are you doing?" She asked.
"I'm making a cake for my mama's birthday." Gaspard said.
"It doesn't look like it's going so well" Lisa said.
"Yeah, it takes a real genius to see that." Gaspard said sarcastically.
"Lucky for you, another genius can solve your problem." Said a man with black hair, white shirt, blue vest, brown pants, and red sneakers who just walked into the room.
"AAAAAHHHHHH! It's a burglar!" Gaspard screamed.
"No, I'm-" The man started.
"Get the hell out!" Lisa said, throwing a plate at him.
"Hey take it easy!" The man said as it smashed against him.
"I'm gonna carve my name in you guts!" Gaspard yelled, brandishing a knife.
"I'M DOING A FUCKING COMMERCIAL!" The man yelled.
Gaspard and Lisa calmed down slightly.
"I am Richard Osmond, player character of the Echo Night series and favorite character of the author." Richard said.
"Whats an Echo Night?" Gaspard asked.
"That's not important, unfortunately. What is important is how your gonna properly bake a cake." Richard said.
"How am I supposed to do that, smart ass?" Gaspard asked.
"With Blue wolf industries new line of Kitchen appliances!" Richard said.
Suddenly, fancy new appliances appeared around the kitchen instantly.
"How did you do that? Are you a magician? Me and Lisa are too." Gaspard said.
"No it's-" Richard started.
"Look, I'll make this coin disappear!" Gaspard said holding a coin.
"Can we get on with the-" Richard started.
"Abra cadabra!" Gaspard said.
"WILL YOU 2 STOP PISSING AROUND!?" Richard yelled.
Gaspard dropped the coin as he and Lisa flinched.
"First, you gotta pour the cake mix in the deluxe mixer." Richard said, putting a blender on the counter.
"Isn't that a blender?" Lisa asked.
"No, it's the Blue wolf super deluxe cake mixer. What makes it different is the long metal rod with 4 titanium blades on it for maximum efficiency." Richard said.
"Isn't that kinda dangerous?" Gaspard asked.
"Oh stop being a wuss. It also has a safety at the bottom of the rod." Richard said.
Richard stuck his hand in the mixer and flipped a switch at the bottom of the rod. It immediately started spinning, ripping Richard's hand to shreds while he screamed in pain. Gaspard unplugged it and Richard pulled out what was left of his hand.
"Are you alright?" Gaspard asked.
"Oh yeah, I'm alright, I just fucking chopped up my hand like it was sushi!" Richard yelled.
The scene cut to another. Richard had a bandage over the stump where his hand was.
"If theres one thing I hate about baking cakes, it's the eggs. With the new Blue Wolf egg milker, you won't have to worry about the yolk falling in your cake mix." Richard said.
The egg milker was just a tall cylinder.
"You just drop the egg in, and the grinder shreds the shell. Then, the yolk falls onto a strainer while it's fluid enters the container on the bottom." Richard said.
Richard dropped an egg in through the top.
"You can even watch it happen through the entry point." Richard said.
Richard held his left eye over the top. Suddenly, a friggin huge egg shell piece flew out and stabbed him in the eye. He and the kids screamed.
The scene cut again. Now, Richard had an eyepatch.
"Once all the ingredients are mixed up, you pour them into the Blue Wolf Cake molder. It allows you to choose various shapes for your tasty treat." Richard said.
The cake molder was a very large box with a tube for the mixture to go in and a control panel.
"Wheres the mix?" Richard asked.
"It's right here. But I think theres some blood in it." Gaspard said.
"Who cares, just give it to me." Richard said, seizing the bowl from him.
Richard poured the mix into the machine. He selected a double layer cake on the control panel.
"Piece of shit. It should be running." Richard said.
"The manual says the on switch is on the bottom." Lisa said, looking at the manual.
"The bottom? Damn it, who the hell thinks up this crap?!" Richard demanded.
Richard grabbed the machine and slid it off the counter, where he dropped it and crushed his left foot.
"AARRRGGGGHHHH! MOTHERF-" He started before the scene cut again, this time, Richard had a caste.
"We all know how hard it is to get icing on a cake like this. That's why Blue Wolf made this new instant icing sprayer! It sprays a condensed icing formula that expands when sprinkled with sugar." Richard said, holding a paint gun thing.
"Are you sure we can't just spread the icing on with a butter-" Gaspard started.
"Listen moron, we're doing it my way." Richard said.
Richard aimed at the cake and pulled the trigger, spraying a thin substance over the cake. In the middle of this, it jammed.
"Motherfucking piece of shit." Richard muttered, banging it on the table.
After hitting it on the table a 3rd time, the icing sprayer shot a burst of it's condensed icing all over Gaspard's face.
"It's burning my eyes!" Gaspard yelled.
Gaspard fell on the floor in pain. Richard reached under the counter and grabbed a fire extinguisher. He sprayed Gaspard with it's fire smothering fluid. Gaspard was covered in it, but at least it got the condensed icing off. Then Richard pulled out this weird cutter thing.
"Blue wolf doesn't only have power appliances that can kill you, they also have regular ones, like this multi-cutter, which divides you cake into equal pieces." Richard said.
Richard pushed the cutter down through the cake and unfortunately, cut off the top of his finger. He held it up screaming, spraying blood all over the cake. The scene cut again. The finished cake sat on the counter, it was sprayed with blood, the icing didn't work and was misshaped from the cutter.
"There, a lovely cake." Richard said sarcastically.
"Looks Great." Gaspard said unenthusiastically.
"Your mom will love it." Lisa said unenthusiastically.
"So buy Blue Wolf's kitchen appliances or whatever." Richard said.
"This is the only job you could get, huh?" Lisa asked.
Richard got pissed off and stabbed Lisa in the eye with a kitchen knife. Gaspard screamed as the commercial ended.
Back in Paris...
Gaspard slammed the door to Lisa's apartment building shut. He lost his left ear to a freakish thing with blades on it's arms and legs. He was holding a Browning Auto 5 shotgun. His fur was drenched in blood. Looking into the lobby, he saw that Lisa's apartment building had turned rusty as well as his brother's computer club.
"This is worse than that Time Lisa and I committed murder." Gaspard said.
Flashback...
At Lisa's apartment, Gaspard and herself were babysitting her annoying little sister, Lila. Lila wore a purple shirt without sleeves or pant legs. Gaspard was sitting on the couch, playing his Nintendo 3DS with Resident Evil Revelations. Lisa was reading her celebrity gossip magazine. Lila was crying constantly. Fortunately, Gaspard had his headphones on and couldn't hear a thing.
"Can't you do something to shut her up?" Lisa asked.
"What?" Gaspard asked.
"I said, can't you do anything to shut her up?" Lisa shouted.
"What?" Gaspard asked again.
"CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING TO SHUT HER UP?!" Lisa yelled.
"WHAT?" Gaspard shouted.
Lisa got off the couch and walked over to Gaspard. She plucked off his headphones.
"Can't you do something to shut her up!?" Lisa shouted.
"Alright, just give me a second." Gaspard shouted.
It was very hard to think with Lila's constant bawling. Then he finally came up with something.
"We'll just rock her to sleep." Gaspard said.
"You think it will work?" Lisa said.
"It always worked in Neopets." Gaspard said.
Gaspard picked up Lila and started rocking her. She cried so loud, his left eardrum exploded and blood started seeping out. He grew exceedingly impatient with her as every second passed. Finally, seeing it didn't work, his anger erupted.
"Damn you stupid little bitch!" He yelled.
Then, without thinking, he threw Lila out of his arms and unfortunately, out the window. They both were paralyzed.
"I have an idea, we'll pretend someone kidnapped her." Gaspard said.
"But how will we do that?" Lisa asked.
2 hours later...
Lisa's mother, Father, and bitch sister Victoria walked through the door and were horrified by what they saw. The living room was a mess and Gaspard and Lisa were beaten to a pulp. Lisa's mother cradled Lisa.
"Lisa! What happened!?" She asked.
"(Cough) Some weird man broke in. (Cough), he beat us up and took Lila. (Cough)." Lisa said weakly, winking at Gaspard.
"Oh my god! I have to call the Police!" Lisa's dad said.
Back to the present...
Gaspard walked down the fucking creepy hallway. He came to a door that had 9 indentations on it. He picked up a nearby scrap book and looked inside, he saw a weird poem.
The moon looks down on the upside down man and the witch laughs on the side.
Gaspard ripped the book apart. Rather than solving some stupid puzzle, he blasted the door down with his shotgun. Stepping inside, he fell down a hole he didn't see. He landed on some weird concrete circle with a spinning blade thing in the middle. Looking to the side, he saw Lisa at the top of a stairway leading down into the spinning blade.
"Lisa! What the hell are you doing?" Gaspard yelled.
"My scarf fell down thereeeeee..." Lisa said, drugged.
Lisa started walking down the stairway. Before Gaspard could do anything, he heard a weird metallic foot step noise. Looking to the side, he saw Victoria, suspended in the air by four metallic legs. She wore a pink short skirted dress and it looked like she was pregnant while bathed in some dark shield.
"You 2 are so lame."Victoria said.
"What have you done to Lisa?!" Gaspard hissed.
"Shes just the way I see her, stupid. It's obvious since I'm the oldest." Victoria said.
"You always say that." Gaspard said.
"That's because I'm the oldest." Victoria said.
"Bitch, you just bragged your way to hell." Gaspard threatened.
Gaspard blasted his shotgun at her, which had no effect whatsoever.
"You can't kill me. I'm not connected to my mother." Victoria said.
"Well heres a mother's day gift!" Gaspard yelled, throwing an umbilical cord at Victoria.
"EWWW! Were the fuck did you find that thing?" Victoria demanded.
"It was buried in your fucking throat you whore!" Gaspard yelled.
The blood from the umbilical cord caused Victoria's dark shield to dissipate. Gaspard shot her with his shotgun. Victoria thrust one of her metallic legs at him, but Gaspard rolled to the side. He aimed his shotgun at her again, but she swatted it away with one of her legs.
"Ha, lets see how you are without your gun." She smugly said.
Gaspard pulled an Uzi out of his man purse. Victoria gasped at the sight of it and was introduced to a curtain of lead. After taking around 120 bullets to the chest, Victoria's metallic legs could no longer hold her up. She fell to the ground. Gaspard pulled out a knife and stabbed it in her stomach.
"Ow! Do you know how rude that is?" She demanded.
Gaspard pulled down on the knife and ripped open her pregnant stomach. Do you know what came out? It was the vase he and Lisa broke earlier in the chapter. He picked it up and smashed it on the floor. He grabbed the end of one of Victoria's legs and stabbed it through her head. Just then he remembered Lisa.
Lisa was about to step into the weird spinning blades. Before she did, Gaspard seized her and pulled her back onto the circular platform.
"My scarf..." Lisa said.
"Lisa! Snap out of it!" Gaspard yelled.
Gaspard pulled out a plastic bottle filled with a red liquid. He splashed it onto Lisa. A weird parasitic worm thing tore out of her back and landed on the floor. Gaspard stomped on it.
"Gaspard? Where am I? And why am I covered in blood? And why is my sister dead?" Lisa asked.
"It was because we were weak Lisa. We needed someone to punish us. Now I punished them." Gaspard said.
Gaspard pulled Lisa in closer to him and kissed her. Lisa embraced it and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"So thats what happened to the vase?" Lisa's dad asked.
Gaspard and Lisa were sitting on the couch in front of Lisa's father.
"Yeah, the vase's destruction caused the release of all the hellish stuff." Gaspard said.
"Then how come I didn't see it?" Lisa's dad asked.
Gaspard and Lisa looked at each other.
"Uhhh, maybe it was all in our heads." Lisa said.
"Yeah, I think that's the cause." Lisa's dad said.
"But it's true!" Gaspard said.
"Gaspard, did you really expect me to believe this shit?" Lisa's dad asked.
Suddenly, a siren sounded off. The walls peeled off to reveal metallic surfaces underneath. Then a man wearing a pyramid on his head broke through the front door. He cut Lisa's dad in half with his massive blade. Lisa grabbed a chain and Gaspard pulled out his chainsaw and they both attacked the man.
The end.
I have so many unfinished Channel 13 chapters. I keep losing interest in some of them and want to start new ones. Keep watching for more to come.