Hello, friends!

I hope you all had wonderful holidays and New Years! I had this grand plan that after I finished posting Acting Like Armageddon I'd take some time off and relax, but in early December I saw this prompt on Tumblr and just couldn't resist, oops!

The prompt was exactly like the description says: your ship has to infiltrate a couples retreat for couples contemplating divorce. It was on a blog for a ship I don't really write, but then it occurred to me how absolutely perfect Doumeki and Watanuki would be for this prompt, plus I haven't written anything about them since 2016, so I figured I'd give it a shot. The timing was also good because I'm strung out on Psychology In Seattle reaction videos on Youtube and I know three people in the process of divorcing (I just had my birthday last week and am officially That Old, I guess!) so it feels really nice. Also something light in between Acting Like Armageddon and my big Code Geass project is exactly the right way to start off this already crazy new year, yes?

Yes!

So this fic is already done, but I'm not going to try to keep to a weekly posting schedule. It's basically when I have a second you'll get a chapter, but don't worry I won't be dragging my feet, so I hope you'll stick with me!

Anything else? I don't think so. Okay! Enjoy chapter one!

Disclaimer: xxxHolic belongs to CLAMP. I own nothing.

When Yuuko told Watanuki she had a new assignment for him, he'd felt his usual reservation. When she told him he'd need to bring Doumeki, he felt his usual irritation. When she sat them down in her back garden (after Watanuki had made them tea and snacks, of course!) and smiled her most gleeful smile, he'd felt downright alarmed.

"I need you to retrieve something for me," she said, in her most serious tone. Watanuki narrowed his eyes, watching her like a bomb that might go off at any moment. "It will appear this weekend at a couples retreat out in the country, so I'll need you two to go undercover-"

"WHAT?!" Watanuki screamed in outrage. He'd done way too many humiliating things working for Yuuko, but surely this went above and beyond the usual threshold! Yuuko just smiled and poured herself another cup of tea, then added a generous measure of whiskey from the carafe Watanuki had filled for her. "IT'S NOT FUNNY, YUUKO-SAN!"

"It's really funny," Yuuko corrected him, before adding, warningly, "but you'd do well to take it seriously regardless." Doumeki took his hands away from his ears to listen properly as Watanuki asked, through gritted teeth,

"Yeah? Why?"

"Because the object I'd like you to retrieve is dangerous," said Yuuko, simply. Watanuki took a deep breath in through his nose and exhaled it through his still clenched teeth, trying and failing to be patient.

"Why, what is it?" Doumeki asked, curiosity just discernible under that usual bored tone that so annoyed Watanuki. Yuuko took another sip of her tea, frowned and added more whiskey before answering, playfully,

"I'm not sure exactly!" Doumeki's hands flew to his ears again.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU AREN'T SURE?!" Watanuki screeched, "HOW DO YOU KNOW IF IT'S DANGEROUS IF YOU AREN'T SURE?!"

"I'm just assuming! Better safe than sorry, don't you agree?" she laughed. "Besides, it'll be more fun finding something we didn't even know we were looking for, right?" Watanuki gripped his hair and let out a moan of frustration before turning to Doumeki.

"And you! Why is 'what is it?' the only thing you can say?!"

"Is there something else I should say?" asked Doumeki, entirely unconcernedly. He covered the ear closest to Watanuki with one hand and added whiskey to his teacup with the other.

"I- That's, YES!" sputtered Watanuki, outraged. "How about, 'why are we going to a couple's retreat?' or 'why couldn't it be Himawari-chan instead?'"

"That's more a you question," replied Doumeki, sipping his tea and whiskey.

"And it's a good question!" interjected Yuuko, smiling rather slyly at Watanuki. "The retreat is actually for couples going through rough patches trying to build and restore or divorce and part ways, so-" Watanuki opened his mouth to protest, but she forestalled him with a hand gesture, "-it wouldn't make sense to bring Himawari-chan, of whom you're so fond, would it?"

Watanuki glared at Yuuko for a few seconds before slumping back in his chair, his arms and legs crossed so tightly it was as if he were trying to entangle himself permanently. He couldn't argue with Yuuko's logic and was utterly furious about it.

"So what, we're supposed to play being married?" asked Doumeki, as though inquiring about tomorrow's weather.

"Married and on the outs!" replied Yuuko over Watanuki's humiliated groan. "It's just for three nights, so you won't have to be convincing for long." That seemed far too long to Watanuki, but he was too embarrassed even to say that. Having to spend four days pretending to be married, and to Doumeki of all people, all the while trying to retrieve some mysterious artefact Yuuko couldn't even give them details about…

It would be hell. It would literally be hell.

It shouldn't be this fun to torture Watanuki, and yet...

I think of reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!