Happy Lunar New Year to everyone celebrating!

I feel like it's been a long time since my last update again, and I'm sorry about that. As usual I can't conceptualize time but also I got insanely caught up with my other big project (shameless plug time: hit me up this summer for a dope Code Geass AU!) and it was super stressful, so I had nothing left for this, especially for this surprisingly intense chapter. Fortunately I had today off and was able to devote my full attention to it, and I'm super pleased with the result so hopefully you all will be too. FINALLY WE'RE AT THE TIDAL WAVE CRASH.

This chapter hit me kind of personally, because from my own experiences with making big life changes, I can confirm it's hard and tempting to stay where you are rather than face it. Watanuki is so sweet to acknowledge all that, and honestly to give himself a break about it.

As usual a huge thank you to everyone who's kept up with me this whole time, your love and support mean the absolute world to me! We're almost at the end, in fact I think the next chapter might end up a little... Well I don't wanna spoil it! Enjoy this for now.

Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to xxxHolic and I'm making no money off of this.

Rays of sunlight peeked through the open porch doors, gently waking Watanuki as they fell across his face. He groaned, but didn't open his eyes. The air was cool and clear and salty, and under the covers he was warm and content beside Doumeki. He shifted a little, hoping to go back to sleep, but then realized Doumeki must have rolled over during the night, because he now had his chest up against his back and his arm draped over him. Their hearts beat in sync, they breathed together, they were both…

Watanuki's eyes flew open and he flushed deeply, but didn't pull away. It was the morning, it was to be expected. He shifted again, and Doumeki sighed softly in his sleep and pulled him closer, breathing quietly against the back of his neck. Unsure what to do, Watanuki stared across the room at the half drunk bottle of sake from the night before, glinting in the fresh sunlight.

"Have some," Doumeki had said. At the time it had seemed like a taunt, but-

"Ten."

"I didn't do any of that because I wanted something from you."

Doumeki had said it all so seriously, and Watanuki had just taken it as their cover story, but now, lying together this way in the freshly minted dawn, after everything that had happened this weekend, he knew instinctively that he'd only been able to come up with the cover story in the first place because of how he felt.

'But how long has he felt this way?' thought Watanuki. He tried to turn over, to see Doumeki's face properly, but he let out a soft, sleepy groan and held Watanuki in place, his lips still millimeters from his neck and hips pressing up against him. Watanuki's face burned and he closed his eyes, picturing Doumeki clearly in his mind's eye. He shivered, wondering further, 'And how long have I pretended not to notice?' He felt a shift deep inside, in that same place he'd heard and felt Yuriko's voice the night before, sending a sudden wave of emotion out through his body. 'And how long have I pretended not to notice?' he asked himself again, though it was a slightly different question now. Another wave of emotion rose and crashed inside him, and he knew a sudden, crippling fear and wished more than anything they never had to talk about it, but,

"It was like I had no other option, like I'd lost control over my own feelings or something, and I couldn't even explain it to you!"

Watanuki bit back a soft cry as another wave of emotion smashed against the inside of his chest, carrying with it a profound sympathy for all the couples here. Everyone at this retreat was just trying to understand themselves, their words and their feelings, and it was hard. His throat and eyes burned and waves of emotion continued to crash and pound inside him. It was hard and it was painful and most people couldn't just take off an enchanted object and suddenly manage it. 'No wonder people would rather stay where they are, even if they aren't happy,' he thought. More crashing waves, more pained sympathy and understanding, and it was overwhelming. He wanted to get out of bed, move away, distract himself, but Doumeki was holding him too tightly. He was stuck in this maelstrom of emotions, staring whatever had shifted right in the face. He shuddered, and the feelings finally burst their bounds and he began to cry, his entire body shaking with the force of it.

"Don't you think you deserve to be cared about and looked after?"

"I think it would be good for both of us if you started valuing your life a little."

"I'm so, so sorry…"

As Watanuki cried, he felt everything he'd kept bottled up inside washed away by his tears, carried out to sea on the receding tidal wave. He cried for everything he felt and for some things he didn't. He cried for what he'd said in the past and what he'd have to say in the future. He cried for all the couples here, for Sumire and Fujito, for Yuriko and Renjiro. He cried for Dr. Sakurai, for Yuuko, for Himawari, for Doumeki, and even, as he was falling asleep again, for himself.

An hour or so later, both Doumeki and Watanuki began to stir, disentangling themselves from the blankets and each other. "Good morning," said Doumeki, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. Watanuki swallowed, all the more aware that something between them had shifted as he stared into Doumeki's face. How he hadn't woken him up with his crying was beyond him, but he certainly wasn't going to complain. Doumeki's eyes widened as much as they ever did when he was concerned, but Watanuki forestalled him before he could actually say anything.

"I'm going to call Yuuko-san before we go to breakfast," he informed him in a dignified voice.

"Will she be awake?"

"Yes. Probably hungover, but that's her problem." The corner of Doumeki's mouth twitched and Watanuki's heart skipped.

"Make me some tea before you leave."

"YOU CAN GET TEA AT BREAKFAST!"

"But yours is much better." Watanuki glared at Doumeki, seething, but comforted to know that not everything had to be different.

"Fine," he growled, resentfully, getting up to fill the kettle.

Yeah, next chapter's gonna be something.

I think of reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!