DISCLAIMER: ALL CHARACTERS BELONG TO MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE.
The rating of this story has CHANGED from T to M now, due to sexual content. Please bare this warning in mind if you decide to continue reading.
This chapter takes place a few months after the events of Age of Ultron.
~0~0~0~0~0~
The jet ride home was unbearable.
Wanda had locked herself into one of the smaller compartments in the lower desk, and had refused to come out even though Steve had begged her to talk to him. His wounds were still fresh and bleeding, but he had refused to leave her alone, even with a door between them. As she was the only one qualified to pilot the jet, Natasha could only insist that he let Sam see to his wounds. Steve had listened to her, which surprised her, but she was thankful that he did. She couldn't concentrate on flying the aircraft while he stood injured.
She hadn't spoken to Steve since the bomb had gone off. Whilst she had held him there and buried her head into his neck, she'd felt ready to cry from a mixture of emotions. Relief, that he was okay, that he hadn't died. Guilt, in knowing that the burning building beside them was the reason he hadn't gone up with the bomb. Sadness that she felt like she couldn't speak to him. Hurt when she remembered exactly why she hadn't been talking to him.
Steve had squeezed her hand before shifting, showing that he wished to get up. She had offered her hand to help him up, and he'd taken it. For the brief second that their gazes met, she realised that he was battling the same inner thoughts and emotions that she was. Both of their lips were parted, as if both of them intended on saying something, but then Sam alerted them that Wanda had practically shut down. Since then, Natasha hadn't spoken to Steve, apart from demanding that he had Sam look at that cut above his eyebrow.
It had made her stomach twist to not be the one who tended to his wounds. She'd always found comfort in helping him after a hard mission, because she always felt so much better when he did the same for her. It was as if the two of them drew strength from each other, and her body was so drained right now because they hadn't been together - apart from a few fleeting, longing looks.
When they all returned to the Compound, Wanda had fled to hers almost instantly, locking the door behind her.
Vision, who had been unable to join them in Lagos, had been waiting for them, hands together and fingers twiddling. He'd made a move to comfort Wanda, but had stopped himself, sadly watching as she walked straight past him and slammed her door shut. With a look of defeat on his face, Vision wondered off, probably to find somewhere quiet to read. He seemed to enjoy reading.
"I'll go get us something to eat." Sam said, stepping out before anyone could protest. A wise move, seeing as the air in the room seemed thick with tension.
Natasha looked across the kitchen to where her boyfriend was standing, his back to her. "What did Rumlow say to you?" She asked, trying to keep the bluntness out of her tone. She wished he'd just turn around and look at her. With every moment that passed, her chest felt tighter and tighter.
Steve remained silent, hands resting on the counter in front of him.
That only worsened Natasha's mood. "Steve, you froze out there. Whatever he told you…" She trailed off. "It was about Bucky, wasn't it?"
"I don't want to talk about it, Natasha." He said, sounding so distant that she had to do a double-take that it was really Steve talking to her. She tried not to let the fact he'd called her Natasha bother her, but it did. Natasha. Not Nat. Not sweetheart, or doll. Just Natasha.
Her jaw locked. "You almost died today, right in front of me, and you don't want to talk about it?"
"I thought you didn't want to talk to me. You made that perfectly clear on the flight over there. You avoided me after our meeting with Fury, and you seemed incapable of even looking at me."
"Can you stop with the sulking?" She snapped, annoyed because they had both played the avoiding game. "I almost watched the man I love get blown up, right in front of my face. I should at least get the chance to understand why he stopped fighting." The thought alone was enough to make her tremble, and that caused her voice to shake.
That caught his attention. Her words felt like a punch in the gut. Slowly, ever so slowly, he turned to face her. His face was unreadable, though, as his eyes found hers. "He had a message for me, from Bucky."
Natasha didn't mean to, but her body stiffened.
"He told me Bucky remembered me, but they fried his brain for it. Reprogrammed him again." Steve admitted. "He remembered. Even for a split second. He remembered exactly who I was, who he was."
Her brow furrowed. After all that had happened, could Steve really take Rumlow's word on this? Or, when it came to Bucky, did common sense just not prevail? "That means that Hydra has him, if Rumlow was even telling the truth. He could have just been hoping to lead you down into a trap." Natasha said. Again, she hadn't meant for her words to come out so cold, but she couldn't take them back now. "Steve, you can't go risking your life to-"
"To what, Natasha? To save someone? What exactly were we doing today?" He demanded, his voice louder than he had ever used when addressing her. "That's what I swore to do, when I took this job. This isn't just anyone, either. This is Bucky. My friend needs me."
She could hear the desperation in his voice, the need he had for her to understand why he had to do this. But, she couldn't forget the fear that had gripped her as Rumlow had pressed that button. How, if it hadn't been for Wanda, Steve wouldn't be here right now.
But, before she could even think of a response that would have any positive effect on this conversation, Vision appeared. Dressed as casually as a human man, his hands were shoved into his pocket, and his expression was sheepish, as if he was feeling incredibly awkward. It seemed that he was apologetic, and that if he had a choice, he really wouldn't have come in.
"I'm sorry to interrupt," He regarded them both closely. "I just...she hasn't stopped crying."
Steve sighed, pinching his forehead with his fingers before straightening. "I'll speak with her." He glanced at Nat before he left, his look clearly saying Not now, not with everyone here.
Natasha watched him walk out the room, leaving their argument hanging in the air. Even though she knew Steve would be better off without her, that he deserved so much more than her, the thought of not being with him anymore made her feel as if she couldn't breathe. If they couldn't sort this out, what did that mean for them? Her heart belonged to him. Even if he no longer wanted her, she wouldn't be able to let him go without breaking herself into a thousand, unfixable pieces.
That thought alone was the most terrifying thing Natasha had ever experienced.
Even when Sam walked in with much needed food, seemingly oblivious to what he had just missed, she didn't have it in her to eat.
~o~o~o~o~o~
The events of Lagos had been plastered all over the news almost as soon as they had happened. The Wakandan King had been interviewed, as the building which had been destroyed by Rumlow and the bomb had housed volunteer aid workers from his country. His speech certainly did not paint the Avengers in a good enough light.
Steve felt as if his head was going to split.
He was the leader of this team, so he took on the responsibility of what had happened on his shoulders and tried to withstand the burden. Natasha hadn't been wrong to be angry at him for freezing on the field as he had done. If he had been faster, quicker to realise that Rumlow had been stalling, he could have killed his enemy without that button being pressed. it would have prevented what happened to that building, to those people who hadn't been able to get out. But, at the first mention of his lost friend, Steve had stopped everything.
Wanda was miserable. He had tried to coax her out of her room, but she had just refused, guilt and devastation written all over her face. She hadn't let him accept responsibility for what had happened, but Steve tried his hardest to reassure her, sitting with her and hoping that by having someone with her, she'd soon be able to calm down enough to really listen.
Then, there was Natasha to worry about. There was a void between the two of them, one that he had no idea how it had first appeared, but also, he had no idea how to fix it. He knew that she angry at him - for lying and for what had happened with Rumlow - but he also knew that she loved him, because otherwise, she wouldn't have reacted how she had done. He'd never been in a relationship before, never even felt half of what he felt for Natasha for someone else - even Peggy - and he had no idea how to make things right with her.
Vision had come to join them - well, more accurately, Vision had appeared through the wall, taking it as a better option than the open door. He'd informed them that Stark was on his way for the meeting, and had in fact brought a guest along with him; the Secretary of State.
Since then, Steve's headache had gotten considerably worse.
They all sat around the table - himself, Natasha, Rhodey, Vision, Wanda, Sam - with Tony sitting in the far corner, twiddling his thumbs. When she had entered the room, Natasha's eyes had found Steve immediately, and for a moment, he thought she was simply going to seat herself at the opposite end of the table.
But, she sat down at his side, exactly where she belonged. It eased the tension in his shoulders, slightly, having her presence close to him.
"Five years ago," Secretary Ross said, from where he was standing at the head of the table. "I had a heart attack and dropped right in the middle of my backswing." He demonstrated the action of hitting a golf ball, leaving them all staring at him, silently questioning where exactly he was going with this. "Turned out it was the best round of my life because after thirteen hours of surgery and a triple bypass, I found something that forty years in the army never taught me. Perspective."
Steve raised his chin, wondering where on Earth this conversation could be heading.
"The world owes the Avengers an unpayable debt." Ross went on. "You have fought for us, protected us, risked your lives but while a great many people see you as heroes, there are some who would prefer the word 'vigilantes'."
Natasha, perhaps the only other person over than Steve bold enough to interrupt, questioned, "What word would you use, Mr Secretary?" Her tone was cool, like an ice sheet covering a dark, freezing lake.
Ross's beady eyes turned to her, evaluating the assassin at the table. "How about 'dangerous'?" Nobody moved, not even the slightest twitch. "What would you call a group of US-based enhanced individuals who routinely ignore sovereign borders and inflict their will wherever they choose and who, frankly, seem unconcerned about what they leave behind?"
The comment was enough to make Wanda's eyes flash with another wave of guilt, over the events of Lagos.
Ross stepped to the side, presenting them with a large scale map. On the screen, clips of their battles showed. "New York," Although the video itself was of the Hulk, it was the screams of the civilians that hit Steve. "Washington, D.C," The screen changed, showing the large SHIELD helicarrier crashing into the water, the same water where Bucky had pulled him out, saved him from drowning.
Steve's hand gripped tighter on the arm of his chair, and Natasha glanced at him, her eyes telling him, Don't react.
"Sokovia," Ross continued, clips of their battle against Ultron flashing in front of them, of a floating city and panicking innocents, where Pietro had sacrificed his life to save Clint. "Lagos," The burning building, people getting taken out on stretchers, rubble littering the streets as that thick layer of dust lowered.
Steve risked a glance over to Wanda, who looked ready to either throw up or bolt from the room at any second. "Okay. That's enough." He demanded.
Thankfully, Ross complied, and the screen was switched off. "For the past four years, you've operated with unlimited power and no supervision. That's an arrangement the governments of the world can no longer tolerate. But, I think we have a solution," His assistant passed him a large file, which he placed down on the table and slid to Wanda. She glanced at it, held the file in her small hand, and then passed it instantly to Rhodey.
"The Sokovia Accords," Ross informed them, as one by one, they took a look at the file. "Signed by 117 countries, it states that the Avengers shall no longer be a private organisation, instead they will operate under the supervision of an United States panel, only when and if that panel deems it necessary."
"The Avengers were formed to make the world a safer place." Steve said firmly. "I feel we've done that."
"Tell me, Captain, do you know where Thor and Banner are right now?" Ross asked, even though he knew there was no chance of Steve being able to answer that with a 'yes'. The missing Avengers hadn't even sent a postcard, let alone a detailed report of where they had been all this time.
Steve looked up at him, his jaw locked.
"If I misplaced a couple of thirty megaton nukes you can bet there'd be consequences." Ross said, moving around the table slowly. "Compromise. Reassurance. That's how the world works. Believe me, this is the middle ground."
"So," Rhodey said, his fingers drumming against the file in front of him. "There are contingencies."
Ross stopped when he regained his place at the head of the table. "Three days from now, the UN meets in Vienna to ratify the Accords."
Steve turned in his seat to look across the room at Tony, who had remained silent up till now, lurking in the background. What did Iron Man really think about all of this?
But, Tony only looked up at him and shrugged.
"Talk it over," Ross told them, dipping his head to Stark before he and his assistant started to make their way out of the room.
"And, if we come to a decision you don't like?" Natasha asked, causing the Secretary to pause.
He looked back at her, as if still trying to work out if she was a threat or an asset. "Then you retire," He stated simply, leaving them to discuss in private. Only when the door of the Compound slammed shut, did anyone even dare to move.
"Let's relocate to a more comfortable setting, hey?" Tony suggested, finally speaking. He headed for the lounge part of the compound, plopping himself down on a large armchair. Slowly, the others followed suit.
Wanda and Vision took one of the couches, sitting on opposite edges, although Vision's body was turned towards her, as if he wished he could offer her some comfort. Sam paced by the balcony, with Rhodey hovering nearby Stark. Steve seated himself down in a chair, with Natasha across from him.
"This is bullshit," Sam commented, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms over his chest. "Absolute bullshit."
"Don't act as if you understand what you are talking about, kid." Rhodey snapped to him. "This is not a decision that has been made lightly."
Sam scoffed. "So, let's say we agree to this thing. How long is it going to be before they LoJack us like a bunch of common criminals?"
"One hundred and seventeen countries want to sign this, Sam." Rhodey reminded him impatiently. "One hundred and seventeen, Sam, and you're just like 'No, it's cool. We got it'."
"How long are you going to play both sides?" Sam snapped.
Natasha finished flicking through the pages, her expression emotionless as she passed the file over to Steve. As she did, their fingers brushed, and he tried to ignore that sensation he always felt whenever he touched her - that tingling, pleasant feeling of energy that flowed between them. Swallowing, he forced himself to focus on the pages in front of him, at the tiny printed paragraphs. He scanned it, although the words in front of him didn't seem to resonate with his mind.
"I have an equation," Vision spoke up.
"Oh, well this will clear it up." Sam commented dryly.
Vision either didn't notice the sarcasm dripping from the Falcon's tone, or he simply didn't care enough to acknowledge it. "In the eight years sicne Mr Stark announced himself as Iron Man, the number of known enhanced persons has grown exponentially. During the same period, the number of potential world-ending events has risen at a commensurate rate."
Steve looked up from the pages in front of him. "Are you saying it's our fault?"
Vision met his gaze, steady as always. "I'm saying there may be a causality. Our very strength invites challenge, challenge incites conflict. And conflict…breeds catastrophe. Oversight is not an idea that can be dismissed out of hand."
"Boom," Rhodey said, turning to give Sam a 'I-told-you-so' look.
Natasha turned her head, her attention going to the billionaire in the room, who was slumped in the airchair looking half asleep. "Tony, you're being uncharacteristically non-hyperverbal."
"It's because he's already made up his mind." Steve had no disillusion to where exactly Tony stood when it came to the Accords.
Tony shot him a look. "Boy, you know me so well," Somewhat slowly, he rolled up so he could stand, stretching so casually you could almost forget that there were important matters at hand. "Actually, I'm nursing an electromagnetic headache." He made his way to the kitchen, taking his time. "That's what's going on, Cap. It's just pain. It's just discomfort." He glared down at the sink in front of him. "Who's putting coffee grounds in the disposal? Am I running a bed and breakfast for a biker gang?"
No one responded to his joke. Instead of continuing with something else equally sarcastic, Tony propped his phone down, a small screen appearing above it. It showed an image of a young man, grinning, sat in a grassy field, probably surrounded by friends.
"Oh, that's Charles Spencer, by the way." Tony informed them. "He's a great kid. Computer engineering degree, 3.6 GPA, had a floor-level gig at Intel planned for the fall. But first, he wanted to put a few miles on his soul before he parked it behind a desk. See the world, maybe be of service. Charlie didn't want to go to Vegas or Fort Lauderdale, which is what I would do. He didn't go to Paris or Amsterdam, which sounds fun. He decided to spend his summer building sustainable housing for the poor. Guess where? Sokovia."
At the revelation, a sinking feeling fell between all of them in that room, as their eyes took in that carefree smile and laughter-filled eyes of the young man who had only wanted to help others, who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. In that moment, they all felt the guilt of his death, the grief of a young, pure life lost so young.
Tony went on. "He wanted to make a difference, I suppose. We won't know because we dropped a building on him while we were kicking ass." He took a sip of his drink, the cup hitting the counter harder than necessary once he was done. "There's no decision making process here. We need to be put in check, whatever form that takes, I'm game. If we can't accept limitations and are boundaryless, we're no better than the bad guys."
Steve refused to wince at the words. "Tony," He said, looking up at his fellow team mate. "Someone dies on your watch, you don't give up."
"Who said we're giving up?" Tony argued.
"We are if we're not taking responsibility for our actions." Steve pointed out. "This document just shifts the blame."
It was Rhodey who protested, "Sorry, Steve, but that is dangerously arrogant. This is the United Nations we're talking about. It's not the World Security Council, it's not SHIELD, it's not HYDRA."
Steve cut him off. "No, but it's run by people with agendas, and agendas changed." He'd seen too much, fought too much, to not believe that anymore.
Tony straightened, arms folding across his chest. His posture practically screamed his reluctance to step down. "That's good. That's why I'm here. When I realised what my weapons were capable of in the wrong hands, I shut it down and stopped manufacturing."
"Tony, you chose to do that." Steve pointed out, trying to remain level-headed. "If we sign this, we surrender our right to choose. What if this panel sends us somewhere we don't think we should go? What if there's somewhere we need to go, and they don't let us? We may not be perfect, but the safest hands are still our own."
Tony sighed, crossing the room. "If we don't do this now, it's going to be done to us later. That's the fact. That won't be pretty."
Knowing full well the length that powerful organisations would go to in order to keep everything in line, Natasha had no doubt in what Tony was saying. Dread swarmed inside her, a reminder of a life where she hadn't had a choice in her actions, in what was right and what was wrong. If they didn't play nicely, they were at great risk of every right they had being taken from them.
"You're saying they'll come for me." Wanda said blankly. She'd spent the last few hours crying. Now, her eyes were blood-shot, but perhaps her body had finally stopped being able to let tears fall.
"We would protect you." Vision stated, without looking at her.
"Maybe Tony's right,"
Everyone seemed equally shocked when Natasha was the one to voice that suggestion. Steve stared at her in disbelief. Of course, he had never once expected her to blindly follow his every lead. She was his girlfriend, yes, and her support meant everything to him, but she had her own opinion, and her own voice that she had never been scared of using. But, now, he couldn't help but feel as if her words had just stabbed him in the heart and twisted.
Her eyes were locked on him as she continued, "If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer. If we take it off-"
"Aren't you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few months ago?" Sam reminded her, clearly equally surprised that she was siding with Tony on this matter.
Natasha's eyes finally moved from Steve's face, to look up at their friend. "I'm just reading the terrain." Then, her eyes were back on Steve, as if silently willing him to listen, really listen to what she had to say. "We have made some very public mistakes. We need to win their trust back."
"Focus up." Tony intercepted, still recovering from shock. "I'm sorry. Did I just mishear you, or did you agree with me?"
She groaned. "Oh, I want to take it back now-"
"No, no, you can't retract it." Tony said quickly, shutting her down. He smirked. "Thank you. Unprecedented."
Steve's phone vibrated in his pocket, and he glanced at the screen to find a text from an unsaved number. Dread crept into his body as he opened it, seeing the words he had never wanted to read, but ones that were inevitable.
She's gone. In her sleep.
He left without a word, aware of the pair of emerald eyes that followed his every step.
er~0~0~0~0~0~
He hadn't left a note, but it hadn't taken Natasha long to find out exactly where he had headed.
London.
Sharon Carter had also taken a leave of absence due to the death of her aunt, Peggy. Fury had contacted Natasha instantly to check in on Steve, but she had practically hung up on the Director to get herself to the quinjet.
She remained outside the church whilst the ceremony took place, listening to the beautiful singing of the choir as Peggy was given a lovely, deserving send off. Although Natasha had never met her personally, she knew that the former Director of SHIELD had been a remarkable person, and had earnt the well-planned, colourful send off that she received.
Once the guests, including Sharon Carter, had spilled out of the church, Natasha went inside unnoticed.
Steve was stood by the altar, where the coffin remained, along with a variety of different flowers and a picture of Peggy from her youthful Army days. Countless bouquets of flowers surrounded the coffin, and Steve was standing as if the entire weight of the world was on his shoulders. Silently, Natasha headed down to him, but he looked up, somehow knowing she was there.
She stopped when she stood in front of him, hating the distance between them, but wanting to give him space. She hadn't forgotten how he had stared at her at the meeting when she had sided with Tony, as if she had betrayed him. She couldn't stop thinking about how he had left looking as if his world had just fallen apart.
He sighed softly, nothing about him defensive or upset to see her there. But, she tried not to look too deeply into how his eyes had lit up slightly as he had seen her. "When I came out of the ice, I thought everyone I had known was gone." He admitted to her. "Then, I found out she was alive. I was just lucky to have her."
"She had you back, too." Natasha had long gotten over her jealousy towards Peggy Carter when it came to her boyfriend. Steve had loved her, but even he had admitted they never had the time to fall in love with one another. Still, he'd always cared for her, kept her picture in his compass, and Natasha had never commented on it once. She never did, because Peggy Carter had been so important to Steve, especially back in the days that led up to the serum. She supported him, and saw him for the man he truly was.
He nodded slowly. "Who else signed?"
She exhaled. "Tony, Rhodey, Vision," That last one definitely came as a surprise to him, but he masked it well. As someone who knew him as well as she knew herself, Natasha was able to see the small twitch in his eyebrow as it raised by a milimetre. Such a small action would have gone unnoticed by anyone else.
"Clint?"
Even the name of her best friend made her feel a stab of sadness that he hadn't there with them for this decision. If Clint had been there, she probably would have been able to hold herself together slightly better when Steve had walked out. But, at the same time, she was happy for Clint, relieved in fact, that he now had the chance to live his life with his family and not be hounded on by Ross. "Says he's retired,"
"Wanda?"
The girl had looked like a ghost for the entire meeting, and before Natasha had left, she had spoken to her. I know what it's like to try to carry that guilt by yourself, Natasha had said, Believe me, you're not weak for accepting help shouldering it. Wanda had stared at her as if she was a completely different person, and for the first time, Natasha realised that she had been harder on the girl than the others. It wasn't all because she wanted her to improve, and because of that, Natasha felt guilty.
"TBD," Natasha told him. "I'm off to Vienna for the signing of the Accords. There's plenty of room on the jet." His throat bobbed, but he remained silent. She felt as if someone had gutted her, but she kept herself together, somehow. "Just because it's the path of least residence, doesn't mean it is the wrong path. Staying together is more important than how we stay together."
Her heart clenched as she questioned whether she was really referring to the team, or their own relationship. They had yet to resolve what had happened between them in the kitchen, and the arguments beforehand. It unsettled her greatly, not knowing where they stood with one another.
She still loved him, probably far too much, but unless they really sat down and worked things out, they wouldn't move forward.
When Steve looked at her, she knew he was wondering the same thing. "I'm sorry, Nat. I can't sign it."
She wouldn't drag him, kicking and screaming, all the way to Vienna. She wouldn't stand here and force him to do anything. They each had a choice in this, and he had decided his, just as she had decided hers.
Still, she sighed sadly. "I know." What does this mean for us, Steve? She didn't dare say the words, not here, not now. This was not the time. Not when he was grieving. Not when she didn't understand the jumble inside her head.
"Then, what are you doing here?" He asked, eyes flickering across her face, taking in every detail of her, as if he thought this was the last time they would see each other for a very long time. Her breath caught in her throat.
"I didn't want you to be alone." She answered truthfully. As soon as she had found out why Steve had looked so devastated, she had come without a second thought.
He was silent for a few moments - moments which stretched unbearably long to her - before he took a step towards her, drawing her into his arms. He found no resistance from her, as she gladly stepped into that warmth, that comfort that only he could bring her. Her head settled against his chest as she practically clung to him. Taking a deep breath, she inhaled the scent of cinnamon and him that she had missed so much. Her chest tightened painfully as they embraced, and she could hear him take a deep breath as well.
"Be safe, Nat." He whispered in her ear. She almost crumbled right there and then. "Please." It sounded an awful lot like a goodbye.
Only when she left the church without him at her side and had seated herself behind the controls of the quinjet, did Natasha allow herself to cry.
~0~0~0~0~0~
Personally, I feel like in Civil War, there were a lot of times when I questioned whether Steve and Natasha really thought of each other as friends, or if there was always something going on between them. Might just be me, but I got that vibe. I can't wait to write more from this film and add in little pieces :)
Just to clarify; the reason Steve isn't making her talk to him about it is because he knows Natasha so well, so therefore he understands that if he pushes her when she's not ready, she'll just run away. Natasha is still not used to being so open with someone, and this is the first time that she and Steve have hit such a rough patch (I might make a few oneshots of a few lovers tiffs, but nothing compared to this) so she's struggling to come to terms with how to voice just how much she needs him. Hope that all makes sense.
- E x