Chapter 4 – Taking Responsibility

"Noah Puckerman, tall, dark and broody Noah Puckerman wants to talk to you? And he's coming here to Lima Bean, in fifteen minutes to talk? Do you think he wants to get back together?" Kurt asked, incredulously. He was a sucker for drama, gossips and romance. He did not particularly think Puckleberry was a match made in heaven, but if it would make Rachel happy, why not give it a go. Puck was a good guy at heart, he was just wounded.

"I don't want to get back with him, for starters. We're not good for each other. Plus, he is seeing cheerleader Shirley Manning. I caught them yesterday when they were physically expressing their love to each other. Or lust. Anyway, no, I think he wants to talk about the past." Kurt looked at her expecting her to elaborate, Rachel knew she would not avoid his hunger for gossip. "I'll explain in detail later, but essentially, Noah and I know each other since we were kids, and we used to be friends, a long time ago. I guess he wants to go over that again, now, for some reason."

All this was new to Kurt, Rachel and Puck, friends? Puck could be friends with a girl without wanting into her pants? He couldn't fathom that. As he was about to speak, he heard the bell door of the café, and a few second later, there was Puck standing beside him. "What's up Hummel? Long time no see. All good at your prep boy school?"

"Hello to you, as well Puck. Good to see you. And goodbye now. I'll leave you two alone." As Kurt exited, Noah bored into Rachel's brown eyes and softly whispered: "Hi, Rachel. Thanks for seeing me, and sorry for the text. I…"

"It's fine Noah, don't sweat it. You know me well enough to figure out I wouldn't say no to you," she said to him with a soft smile. "Even though I am the only one, I've always cherished our friendship. I guess it makes sense as it only existed for me, right?"

There it was. Puck knew better than hoping that Rachel would engage in small talk, in chitchat. No, that was Rachel Berry for you, cutting to the chase. Probably because she did not want to spend too much time with him. This idea made him sad. "Let me just grab something before I answer to that. Do you want anything?" She shook her head, good with her hot tea.

Puck had three minutes to gather his thoughts and figure out what he would tell Rachel. He did not fully understand why the sudden need to get closer to her, to make amends washed over him yesterday, but it did. Was it the fact that she was still so close to his mother and his sister – closer to them than he was himself? Or was it because of what she'd told him about his mother's heart? Or maybe it was her leaving the Glee club, breaking the last tether that existed between them? Sure, he could go back to slushies to recreate a tether of some sort, but for some reason, he figured it was a bad idea.

"Rach – I want to tell you how much I am sorry, really."

"For what exactly Noah?" Rachel asked, trying to keep the venom in her voice to a minimum. But she forgot Puck knew her, he kept that intimate knowledge of her of the days when she was a kid and she did not have any walls or carapace to hide behind. She couldn't fool him.

"God, Rachel. Everything, everything you could think of, and probably more. First, for the way I treated you all these years. I… It is inexcusable, but I'll try to do my best to explain. You know I'm not good with feelings and shit."

"I do, but I appreciate the effort, Noah", Rachel encouraged him with a small smile. She was pleasantly surprised Noah would trust her enough, even after all those years, to tell her what went on his mind.

"I was broken, when my father left. You got to see it, to suffer from it firsthand. I had so much anger in me. I tried to wipe it away by becoming popular, successful in a way, so that I could prove to myself that I could exist without him. There was the thing, seeing you around, was reminding me of my old life. Apart from my mum and Bekah, you were the only thing, the only one actually reminding me of that life. Because we were so close. So, I pushed you away, and then the first slushy came. The first one I'll always remember. It's the only time I dared to dart into your eyes, I saw the hurt, I could clearly distinguish between your tears and the slushy on your face. It sent shivers down my spine. After that, I would always look away, because I couldn't stand it. I had blocked everything out, and your eyes would remind me of everything. I couldn't stand it."

"I'm confused. So, hurting me, was making you feel better?" Rachel asked, not sure what to make of Noah's revelation. It was not very healthy, although she could understand. He couldn't hurt – at least not consciously – his family, the only one that stuck with him, but still needed to get the anger, the hurt, out and he did with her. She reminded him of his old self, the one he did not accept.

"It's not like that, Rachel. I don't know why I did it. It was weirdly making me feel better. Through slushying you, I was actually slushying that little boy who was stupid enough to believe that his father loved him and would stick around. Also, I was jealous because you had two dads. Two of them, and I had none. I was a kid and did not realize back then, that I should've taken you up on that offer. Leeroy and Hiram are amazing guys. Every time I see them at the store or around town, they smile at me and always ask me about Bekah and Ma. They always extend an invitation for dinner warmly." Puck took his palms to his face, ashamed of what he'd said, of that memory that crept back into his sleep last night and made him wake up distraught. "God, they have no idea about the horrible things I said about them, how awful…"

"They do, Noah." As Rachel finished her sentence, Puck was frantic, he looked at her with bulged eye, his mouth wide open. Shocked. He was an idiot, of course Rachel would tell them. She must've told them about everything, and yet, they were being nice to him? The thought alone that they knew what was going down between their daughter and himself and that yet, they treated him with kindness, it killed him.

"Did you tell them about the rest… About everything else I did?" Puck asked, knowing already the answer.

"I did not, I didn't say anything. I didn't even tell them what you said about them that day when we were sitting on my porch. The window was open that day Noah, and Daddy heard you call them… well, what you called them. They were heartbroken, naturally. But that is the thing with parents, they never cease to be – and my Dads never ceased to be parents to you, even if you did not want them to."

Puck looked at her as if she turned crazy. "What are you talking about, Berry?"

Rachel exhaled, she had said too much already and she knew that Noah was persistent, he would get the truth out of him, eventually. "I am not supposed to tell you that, and if my parents or Deborah know I told you, they'll kill me. But when your father left, Dad, Daddy and Deborah went to Rabbi Greenberg, and my fathers solemnly swore they would help and support your family as much as they could. And they did. In silence. They knew what you thought of them, and understood what you were going through. So, they kept at bay, but never stopped helping Deborah. The PlayStation for your twelfth birthday? Your truck when you turned sixteen? Your guitar lessons? My father chipped in. You know Deborah, it was not easy convincing her that we'd stick by her side. But you also know my Daddy – or at least you used to – it's him I take my stubbornness from. When you got in juvie, Dad took on your case pro bono at his firm, and bailed you out. They just decided, with your mother, to keep you out of this. But, truly, they never ceased to be your fathers, too."

There weren't many times in life where Noah Puckerman was speechless. But this was one of them. Rachel had laid on them a truth he did not know how to cope with. He left tears trail his face, as he was trying to process everything he has just learned. Two men he outright insulted on their porch, out of hurt, had helped him and his family all these years. They knew what he'd said about them, and yet, they were by his side in silence, not claiming anything, not asking for anything. In return, he tormented, bullied and trashed the entire wardrobe of their unique daughter. Guilt, remorse, washed over him. He didn't deserve them. He didn't deserve Rachel. How could he? "How long have you known? Why didn't you say anything?" He said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I've known for quite a long time now and I couldn't tell you anything. Before Glee Club, we weren't exactly on speaking terms. Plus, Dad and Daddy didn't want you to feel indebted to them. They did it because they love your mother, and well, they love you and Bekah. Deborah would always ask me how things were at high school and how we were doing. I'd remain evasive, but yesterday, when she invited me for dinner, and I saw the disgust in your look, I knew I had to come clean. Not on everything, but on the fact, that well, we weren't exactly seeing eye to eye."

He took her hand, her tiny hands – everything about her was cutely tiny. "Rach, you don't have anything to apologize for. I have been so unfair to you, and your fathers. How can they forgive me? How can you forgive me? I don't deserve it. You should hate me. I hate myself right now, to be honest. Also, you read it all wrong yesterday. I didn't have that look because I was disgusted, but because I was frightened. Legit, frightened. I had never told Ma that we were not speaking. She would ask me and I'd remain evasive, because I knew if I told her, it would be real…"

"It was real Noah, it is real. Apart from that week during which we dated, if we can call that dating, it was more making out, really. But, you can't deny that it was real."

"I know, Rachel. I've been there. But I didn't want it to be real, and having Ma believe that we still were sort of friends, unconsciously, I guess it just maintained the possibility of us getting back to each other, real. In a way. I'm fucked up. I'm not sure it even makes sense."

"You do", Rachel answered quietly. She understood where he was coming from, it is almost as if he was trying to maintain the perception his mother had of him, more or less intact. Of course, that stunt in juvie damaged that but it could be put on the count of the whole Baby gate. That is precisely what she meant yesterday when she referred to his mother's heart. "I can understand, I think. That's exactly why I told you yesterday I wanted to spare your mother's heart. She suffered Noah, a lot. When her father left, she kept it together for you guys, mainly, but she was destroyed. I remember her crying her eyes out at mine with Daddy – you know how close they were. Then she'd go back to you and act as if nothing. She started picking up more shifts at the Hospital to make ends meet, for you again, guys. She is a mother, an incredible one Noah, and she could not let anything get in the way of your well-being."

"Where are you getting at, Berry?" Puck asked, with a bit of aggressiveness he immediately regretted. He just wondered how, on earth, after all these years, Rachel could anticipate his questions and reactions, and it added a layer of guilt and regret, to how he had let go of a friend like her – his first love, even though he'd never confessed his love to her. A badass doesn't do such things, even if this whole discussion did have a toll on his badassness, arguably.

"I am getting there. In the process, Deborah lost a bit track of you had become. She had no idea because she was so busy with everything else. She saw you still hanging out with Finn, happy at football and having lots of friends. She supposed you were happy, and were still the little boy she raised and loved. I like to think that that little boy is still there. He's the one who allows me to still call him Noah after all these years. So yes, I couldn't break Deborah's heart by telling her that her son had become a bully that would slushy his former best friend. I couldn't possibly let her know that her son had gone as far as helping the cheerios trash my car, twice in a year. How could I? She'd gone through so much. To suffer in silence of your attacks on me was the least I could do for her. She's always been the best to me."

Rachel could not help the resentment dripping from her words as she told him the truth. She took her hand of his hold and looked at him as he was processing. She knew that they'd have this conversation sooner or later, and she knew it would shake him. Funny it took for her to leave Glee and for his mother to ask her for help with Bekah, for him to realize. He had stopped crying, but his face showed all the emotions he was experiencing, hurt, guilt, shame.

"Rachel, I don't know what to say. I feel like the worst individual on Earth right now. I am, probably. You're right, Ma would be so disappointed in me if she knew, so ashamed in the man I've become. The way I treated you, I treated your family. The way you treated me with kindness in spite of it all, I didn't deserve it. I still don't deserve it. The reality is that you're the only friend I ever had. Sure, I hang out with a lot of folks, but they don't know me. They don't get me. Not the way you do. I want to make it up to you, Rach. Or at least, try. I'll try for all my life, and it won't be enough. I know it won't. But will you please let me try?"

Noah was determined to make this work, to get back Rachel as a friend – at least – and begin to get back right on track after years of being a fuck-up. However, his heart sank to his belly when he saw the sad smile on her face and the slow shake of her head. She chuckled, with sadness. "You can't imagine how long I waited for you to say that. But, it's too late. All that happened between us, I cannot forget it."

Puck was frantic, he needed that. He'd probably go mad if she didn't give him a second chance. "Rach, please. I know I did and said horrible things, but I want to change. I want to prove to you I can be Noah again. Just Noah. Your friend, Noah."

"You said we weren't friends before, Noah. That broke my heart, but that isn't all", she said before he could answer. "But even before then, the real reason I broke up with you when we dated that week, wasn't for Finn or anyone else. Do you remember when I cleaned you up after you got slushied?" He nodded. "I told you I forgave you. I meant it then and I mean it now. I do forgive you. But later that day, I realized I couldn't forget. Not that easily. You were outright mean, cruel, for no reason. Ru-Paul Berry, you should ask your lady-fathers to get you somewhere where they could change your personality from A to Z. Do you remember that?"

Puck looked at her, questioningly. He had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. "Of course, you don't. It is one of the numerous charming comments you left on one of my MySpace videos. I can't forget that, neither the words, nor the pranks, the slushies, the humiliation. You were feeling better about yourself by belittling me, humiliating me. I can't pretend this didn't happen, and just go back to when we were kids. We're not kids anymore, Noah. We're young adults, and in adulthood, you bear responsibility for your actions and words. I am happy for us to be cordial with another, and I am happy we were able to have this chat, but I am not my fathers. They would welcome you with open arms, but I won't. I cannot. Sorry."

"Rachel, please, I'll beg you if I have to, but you, being indifferent to me, cordial or whatever the hell you mean? It kills me. Please, give me a second chance," he implored her. He didn't know he would see so much hate, so much resentment in her eyes, in her entire demeanor. It's unsettling how she can make peace with someone and leave them completely distraught. He wasn't sure he was able to breathe throughout her speech. He didn't know how to convince her."

"You said it yourself, you don't deserve it. You're right, Noah. You don't deserve me. Goodbye, Noah," she concluded before getting up from the couch and heading to the exit, not giving Puck a change to argue his case. As she was heading to her car, she couldn't help shedding a few tears which did not go unnoticed by one Sam Evans who was getting into Lima Bean at the same time she was getting out. He took her arm, "Rachel, are you okay?" He did not show it, and di not even admit it to himself, but he was worried sick. "I am fine Samuel, I must leave now, if you'll excuse me. But I'll see you tomorrow? The desk informed of your wish to see a speech therapist. That's great. I'll have everything set up tomorrow. Good evening, Samuel."

Sam saw Rachel glance one last look to the man sitting behind him, Noah Puckerman. They had talked, and from Rachel's eyes and Noah's hunched shoulders, it hadn't gone well. Sam rushed to the table where Puck was seated, sat in front of him and fired. "What the hell did you do?"