Chapter 9 – Redemption
Of course, Rachel Berry would be in the auditorium, and naturally, she'd be singing on the piano, thought the brunette that walked in McKinley High for the first time in more than a year. When he heard Rachel belt Adele's song, he was entranced, feeling like he had to join. He always felt that way when he heard her sing. There was no escape, especially when she was playing the piano. "Jesse, you're the only one that knows that I love singing and playing the piano when I am alone, no one but my fathers knows I play the piano." She had shared that with him when they were sort of dating last year. Before he broke her heart – and an egg on her head, but he preferred to believe to think this was just a detail. Rachel and he were so much alike, they like drama, and did not bother with practicalities. Right, that was exactly that: a practicality.
So, he joined in, and they sounded amazing together. His heart couldn't stop beating in his ears. He felt like she was singing to him, he felt every word radiate from her, as a little knife aimed at him, and he deserved it. The looks she shot him during the song, he deserved that too. He hated to admit that when he reached for her hand, and she outright rejected it, he felt hurt. Him, the frenzy up and coming theater supernova, was hurt by a tiny short – only by height, she was great in every other respect – schoolgirl back in Lima, Ohio. He had promised he'd never return in that small town, hell, to that state. But there he was, back to Rachel Berry.
"Jesse, what are you doing here?" Her voice when she said that was soft, her eyes questioning, it almost felt like she was afraid of him. He couldn't stand that thought. "I came back to see you, Rachel. It's good to see you." She laughed, a humorless laugh he never heard from her before. "I wish I could say the same, Jesse St James. What do you need from me this time? To throw tomatoes at me? Eggs is so last year, isn't it? Now, if you'll excuse me, Jesse. There are things I must tend to."
As she aimed for the exit of the auditorium, he rushed to her, barring the way with his body. An impressive physique, if there ever was one, she admitted to herself, berating internally the small schoolgirl ingénue that still swooned over Jesse St James, the choir extraordinaire. But she had to admit that she was right, the Californian tan really sat well with him. "Rachel, I'll get on my knees if I have to, hell, I'll bust a move in the middle of wherever you are if I have to. All I ask is fifteen minutes. Let me explain, let me tell you everything and I promise I'll never bug you again if you don't want to talk to me ever again."
Funny how they were all coming back to Rachel to apologize, one after the other. The problem with apologies is that they often come too late, and usually people only do it because it allows them to feel better about themselves, not because they actually care about the feelings of the person they hurt. At the same time, she couldn't say she was not curious why Jesse came back to see her, of all people, in Lima, of all places. "Fine, but I don't have a helmet with me, so please, try to keep from throwing anything at me." At first, he thought she was laughing and he had a nervous chuckle, but then he saw in her gleam that indeed, she was worried. That thought alone made his belly tighten with guilt.
"Rachel, I promise I will never hurt you again, at least not intentionally. What I did to you, it's something I must live with every day. I am not asking you to forgive me, because I cannot forgive myself. I did it for all the wrong reasons, because I was an insecure kid who wanted to show his teammates that he belonged, because I was an impetuous jealous kid who felt that part of you would always belong to Hudson, because I was a naïve child who was scared to lose his scholarship if he wouldn't do exactly what Shelby asked from me, because I was an ambitious brat who wanted more than ever to belong and win. But I lost Rachel. I lost big because I lost you." He was about to continue, he had a plan on what he wanted to say, he just did not include in his plan, the option that Rachel would hold a grudge, would hate him. He could see it in her eyes. He recoiled when she opened her mouth – her beautiful mouth, those very kissable lips he tasted on more than one occasion.
"Jesse, who do you think you're fooling? I was a means to an end for you. I was never a human being to you. I was a way to get into UCLA – don't think I don't know you were filming us for your drama program application, to show you could play the role of the perfect lover like no other. Congratulations are in order, I hope you're enjoying it. I was a way to get your scholarship through Shelby's connections. Occasionally, I was a way for a good make-out session, a good lay ideally but we both know we never got to that, and we both know how you treated me when that happened. As an object, not a human being."
She had tears in her eyes, where sadness, grudge and rage were mixing. Jesse never thought he'd provoke that in her, she loved Hudson back in the day – he knows they broke up, he kept tabs on her and understood that after he heard her rendition of It Must've Been Love on MySpace. He thought she'd only sing show tunes, but she was good – too good – to limit herself. She sounded stellar, as usual. "Rachel, I swear it was not like that. I mean, at the beginning, yes, it sorts of was. I am not going to lie." She scoffed and shot back at him. "Honesty? Is that a thing they teach you at UCLA, or is it yet another theater trope you're trying on me? If so, I'd appreciate a disclaimer."
Jesse was frustrated, she could see it as he ran a hand through his unruly curls. "Rachel, please, I am trying here. I did not do right by you. It is an understatement. I was a huge idiot. But the truth is? I couldn't forget you. I tried so hard, boy did I try. But you were always here. As early as we left your auditorium before Regionals. At first, I thought it was guilt and remorse over what I did to you, because I knew I liked you and it stopped to be a game for me, the moment we sang Total Eclipse of the Heart together. You got me hooked. I never sounded that amazing with anyone. Never. Then, you know when I understood that guilt was just a small part of it?"
Rachel shook her head, a hand on her hip, remaining silent. Jesse took it as an invitation to continue. "Do you remember Regionals? You were watching me singing Bohemian Rhapsody, do you remember?" Rachel rolled her eyes. How could she forget? He was breathtaking during that day. He was the whole package – always been, really. "Jesse, you know I do remember. How could anyone forget? You rendition of that song has become the reference for show choir in the entire country ever since."
He smiled, fondly. "That was because of you. There was a turning point for me during that song. You were in front of me and I was singing you think you can love me and leave me to die. Your eyes bore into mine." All of a sudden, she too remembered, she had forgotten about that moment, buried it deep in her memory, unwilling to look into it and find any meaning to it. "Jesse…," she murmured his name in a soft voice that gave him hope, at least, a little. "Rachel, at that moment, I realized that it was exactly what I did to you – not literally, but emotionally." He winked as they both shared a smile at the shared memory at Carmel's Auditorium when she came to him and said the exact same word to him.
"Your eyes were speaking for you. You always had the most expressive eyes I've ever seen. You were telling me how you felt about me, I could see how hurt you were. I never imagined I could hurt you that much because for me, it was Finn you loved, not me. Looking at you, I wanted to die, to run to you, to sing to you, all at once. That's where the outburst of emotions came during that performance. From you. That day, I understood that it was not guilt that made me think of you – at least not guilt alone. It was longing. I missed you, so much. Sometimes, I would wake up breathless at night, thinking of your eyes while I was asleep, or your smile. It is cheesy, and I had never felt that way about anyone before. The feeling grew stronger when I got to Los Angeles. I had started stalking your social media, your Twitter, your Facebook, your MySpace. It was never enough."
Rachel could sense the sincerity in his voice, she still remained cautious as Jesse was an excellent actor after all – but even him couldn't be that good, a voice inside her whispered. "Why are you here, Jesse? What do you expect from me exactly?" she asked him. "Nothing, Rachel. Nothing. The misery of losing you is something I must live with every day. It is my penitence. Karma really is a bitch. The truth is, I hate Los Angeles. That is because I played you, that's my payback. I thought I could make it in Hollywood, but I don't get the culture there or the appeal. I am New York-bound, Broadway-bound. So, I dropped off. I am going to spend some time in Lima, rekindle with my family. I'll need it. Then I'll head to New York next fall, and I hope you join me the following year."
"I am sorry Los Angeles did not live up to your expectations, Jesse and I hope your plans play out as you hope. I really do. You are amazingly talented, and yes, you are Broadway-bound. No question. I also hope your time with your family does you right. Please extend my greetings to Pascal and Sally, they were lovely with me. I wish you, Jesse St James." He felt as if it was an automatic message sent by some robot in the middle of the Silicon Valley, Rachel was trying to block him out, and that did not sit well with him. He was hurt she wasn't more engaging. "Rachel, is it all you have to say to me? After all of what I said to you? My plans include you. Hell, they begin with you. I never stopped loving you, I love you. I still do."
Rachel would lie if she said she wasn't touched by Jesse's confession, then she thought to what she said to Noah back in her room a few days earlier. She had to stop being that pathetic girl who would fall over heels for any boy that would play prince charming with her. "What do you want me to say, Jesse? That all is forgiven, all is forgotten? That I want to get back together? I cannot. You hurt me, there is no way around it. It's going to take me a while to trust you again, that if I'll be able to at all. I feel like we're that couple that could've worked so well, we were perfect for each other on paper…" Jesse was frantic, he took her hand in his – it fitted so well – and told her, his blue eyes swimming in unshed tears "Rachel, please, we're still perfect for each other. Nobody gets me the way you do. I'll do whatever it takes but I cannot accept that you'll never be part of my life ever again without a proper fight. I'll fight for you, day and night. But, please open up just a bit so that I can do it. If there is even a 0.1% chance that you may still feel something for me then please, let me prove to you that I mean everything I said."
She sighed. She would be lying if she said she never thought about him, never missed his arms, or the way they got each other, even able to finish each other's sentence. While Finn was mainly a fantasy, Jesse had been a broken promise. "I am not ready to get together with you. First, because I am not ready to be with anyone for a number of reasons, and second, well, because we have a lot to figure out. But, we can take things slow. Begin to rekindle slowly. Friendship is all I can offer at the moment. At least an attempt at friendship." He pulled her closer to his chest, engulfing her in a surprise hug that she accepted. "Strawberry and vanilla, Rachel, some things never change," he said, laughing.
Sam Evans saw a tiny chestnut-haired girl walking by him, with a curled-hair brunette boy's hand in the small of her back. He knew that hair, and the strawberry-vanilla scent, the small laugh, they did not lie. He ran his hand in that shiny skill hair once. Rachel. Who the hell was she with? Who was touching her in ways he should be touching her only? Jealousy crept in. He didn't recognize the guy she was with, but he followed them as she headed to her car and he hopped on his new – beautiful – bike. He couldn't hear what they were saying, he just saw the exchange of smiles between the two of them. That alone, made him want to throw up in a way he never felt before, not even when he found out Quinn was cheating on him with his friend Finn. Sure, he should be worrying about Santana at the moment, but they were casual and he felt the vibrant Latina wasn't really into him. He couldn't blame her, it was pretty obvious he wasn't really into her either. It was convenient for both of them, and it was the silent agreement they had.
"Rachel Barbra Berry, you did not!" Kurt was restless as Rachel was catching him up at Lima Bean about her last adventures. "Kurt, it was romantic, soft, sweet. I had never experienced that before. Not with Finn, not with Jesse, not with anyone. Then, the next day, I caught him kissing Santana in the hallways and when I confronted him, he called me a freak. I guess, at least, he didn't slushy me." Kurt could see Rachel was utterly heartbroken, especially that she had never seen her speak with so much fondness and passion about a guy, not even his stepbrother. Sam's reaction was so unlike him, Sam was sweet and kind, he was immune to teenage angst and outburst, or at least that's what Kurt thought. "Kurt, my God, see who's coming to the café. I'll quickly go by the backdoor. Please join me later at mine? I'll get going now, I don't want to see him or talk to him, ever again."
Sam Evans was going to grab coffee before his shift at the next-door comics books shop when he heard the backdoor close violently as he got in by the main one. He saw a glimpse of chestnut hair, of a skirt he'd seen earlier that day and when he locked eyes with Kurt Hummel, the town's fashionista, he knew. He felt his chest tighten at the thought that Rachel would run away from him. He walked to Kurt, his head hung low. "Kurt, how are you?" His former fellow glee-clubber shot him a weird look. Too neutral to be true. "I'm fine, and yourself, Sam?"
"Well, you know. Same old, same old. Was it Rachel that I saw escaping from the backdoor? Is she avoiding me?" Kurt sighed, he knew Sam was reasonable and he could see in the way he asked the question that remorse was washing all over him. "I would be lying if I said she wasn't, Sam. She told me about you two. How could you do that, say that to her Sam? This is so unlike you." That is when Sam broke. When Puck addressed him, he had perceived the anger and that he could handle. But, in Kurt's word and demeanor, he could see the hurt and heartbreak he had on Rachel's behalf, and that was way too much to handle, in addition to everything that was going on with his family. He sat on the couch, nearby Kurt and he was imploring him with his eyes to understand, not to judge him.
"Kurt, I know I was awful. But, she can't keep running away like this. It's just… I'm fucked up at the moment. Quinn had just left me, Rachel was too comfortable with Puckerman – and I just lost it… Plus, there is… my family," Sam broke down. He was sobbing while Kurt was soothingly drawing circles in his back. There was just something so easy in speaking to Kurt, so he laid it all on him, how they had lost their house, the motel, the misery of it all. Kurt was taken aback. Rachel sure didn't know about this. It would change her perspective, had she known. "Kurt, promise you won't tell anything to Rachel. I don't want her to know. She cannot know. I don't want her to pity me or come back to me out of pity. She already keeps tutoring me because she feels sorry for me…" Kurt cut him instantly. "I won't say anything, you have my word. If I can help in any way though, please don't hesitate. As for Rachel, I'll stop you right now, she's not tutoring you because she feels sorry for you, she is doing it because it is her responsibility and duty, and because she believes in you. I must go, she must be wondering what's taking me so long getting to her place. Your secret is safe with me. And Sam? Good luck. I'll be rooting for you in the shadows. I think you too could have a great love story." Sam hadn't had the time to ask Kurt whether he knew anything about the mystery brunette boy hanging out with Rachel. He'd have to ask Puck about him. Damn him.
Kurt Hummel was certainly not expecting Sam's revelation, but he was far from imagining what Rachel would reveal to him at her place. "Jesse Egger St. James is back? And you said you'd give him another chance? Rachel Barbra Berry, are you out of your mind?" Rachel sighed, exasperated, jumping off her bed. "Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, we can all play at that game. I'm not giving him another chance as you put it, I simply agreed to try and put the past behind us and see where this goes. Jesse and I could be good for each other. We made mistakes, him, arguably way more than I did. But I wasn't entirely honest with him either. I mean, when I was with him, half of the time I was thinking about Finn." Kurt saw for the first time that she said his stepbrother's name in a neutral tone, no longing, no regret, nothing. A bystander, potentially. "Rachel, just please be cautious? I just can't bring myself to trust him. I'll choke him with my bare hands if he ever hurts you again, are we clear?"
She hugged him as he was leaving. He had accepted to downplay his worry in front of Rachel, not willing to enter in a fight with her, but he needed to make sure that someone would keep an eye on her and Jesse, since he wouldn't be around and needed to go back to Dalton the following day. He thought about Mercedes first, but the two divas were not exactly seeing eye to eye – mostly because Mercedes was jealous of Rachel's talent and sheer abnegation and willingness to work. Then he remembered that Noah Puckerman had rekindled his long-lost friendship with the Lima Diva.
So, when he got to the Hudson-Hummel he dialed Puck's number. As Finn was passing by the hallway, he heard parts of that odd conversation. "Puck, I need to talk to you. It's urgent." What could possibly Kurt and Puck talk about, thought Finn. He used to throw Kurt in dumpsters all over school. "You wish it were a booty call Puckerman. It's about Rachel." Finn was angry his stepbrother wouldn't come to him and would go to Puck of all people when it came to Rachel. Also, worry washed over him as he put two and two together. It was about Rachel and it was urgent. Without thinking much, he barged in Kurt's room making the smaller boy almost fall off his chair in the process.
"What the hell Kurt? What's wrong with Rachel? And would you go to Puckerman? I'm the one you must tell everything Rachel-related, not Puck, not anyone. Puck only wants in her pants. I care about Rachel, a lot. You're my stepbrother, you should come to me, you should be on my side," Finn said, defeated. Whilst Kurt felt bad for Finn, he also knew he needed to be firm with him, so that he could move on. "Finn, Rachel and you aren't exactly on speaking terms. I doubt you'll ever be. Whereas, she's friends with Puck, they have been a long time ago, as I understand. And I'm Rachel's friend, I'm on Rachel's side." As Finn got ready to answer, the bell rang, he rushed to be the one to open to Puck and get to the bottom of it all.
"What is it with you sniffing around Rachel all the time, you promised man!" Finn exclaimed. Puck didn't even answer, he just pushed past him and headed to the kitchen where he could see Kurt waiting for him. Finn followed him and as he was about to speak again, Puck turned to him, a dark look on his eyes. "Whatever is going on between Rachel and I, is none of your business, Hudson. You had your chance and you blew it. Rachel and I date a while ago, you certainly remember whining about me spending all my time at hers, not with you. We're not going to back at this, are we?"
Kurt felt the tension between both boys. Clearly, Finn felt threatened by Puck, how could he not? Puck was handsome, extremely sexy and attractive – even Kurt, who was perfectly happy with Blaine – had to admit it. Plus, he and Rachel had history – a lot of history – and Kurt needed to have a chat with Puck in that regard. He wasn't sure what his intentions with Rachel were. "Finn, Puck. Enough already of the pissing contest. That's not why I called you Puck. Finn, I originally did not call you, but well, I guess you won't leave, will you?" Finn shot him a determined look. He'd stay and there would be no debate.
"Spill Hummel, I rescheduled a hot date and I am having blue balls because of you," Puck shot him with a smirk. "Sweet Merciful Lord, I don't know what Rachel sees in you. But, I guess, there must be something, deep, really deep inside. Anyway, I was at Rachel's earlier this afternoon, and we were chatting, you know as two friends do, and well…" Puck shot immediately, restless. "Cut to the chase Kurt, is she alright?" Kurt sighed, he didn't know how to break the news to them. "She is, not to worry, tall, dark and broody. But I am worried, Jesse is back and…"
Puck jumped from his stool so violently that Kurt had no other choice but to interrupt his speech Finn was fuming next to him, his eyes bulging. "Jesse St James?" they both shot at the same time, looking at each other. "Yes, Jesse St James. He's back to Lima for a while. He confessed his love and regrets to Rachel, and well, you know how Rachel can be. She'll lay on you, and then, eventually give you a second chance. Don't look at me that way Finn, she did give you a second chance after your uninspired stunt with Brittany and Santana. I never said she'd give three chances. Not the point. I'm worried guys, I don't know what St James is up to, and for obvious reasons, I cannot trust him."
"No kidding Hummel, he egged her – literally – and humiliated her in front of our Glee Club and Carmel's. He is a douche, and I am going to go and punch the shit out of him. Now if you'll excuse me, Kurt…" Finn seemed to agree with his (former?) friend. "I'll come with you Puck, the guy needs to be taught a lesson." Kurt put his hands on his hips. They were such boys. "None of you is going to do that. He would just have an excuse to run to Rachel and she'll soothe him and cure him while she'll lay on you. Instead, you are going to listen to me. You are going to sneakily gather intelligence for us, keep an eye on what they do, as I cannot do it myself for obvious reasons. Understood?"
They both nodded, although Puck knew he'd need to talk to Rachel about this. Finn asked then the question Kurt was expecting: "Are they like, back together or something?" Kurt couldn't help but see Finn's heart break at the thought that Rachel would move on. The thing is she had, already. Puck was quick to reply. "Hudson, you are with Fabray. Can't you just focus on that and let Rachel be? You can't keep doing that to her. It's not fair."
"Sure, and that would serve your plans to get back with Rachel and steal her away from me, right, Puck? Why do you have to take interest in everything that I want?" Finn asked, getting angry at the thought of Rachel and Puck together. Kurt was quick to jump in, hoping to ease the tension. "Enough you both, I said. No, they're definitely not together, she told him it would take a while before she trusts him again. They'd see each other as friends, at most."
"How can she do that? I mean he egged her," Puck complained with a mix of disgust and sadness in his tone. "Well, you did slushy her every day for the past four years, Puck," Finn said, way too happy to corner Puck. That had hit home, Noah Puckerman was enraged, he angrily took his jacket, pushed the stool in front of him and aimed for the door. He is right, I did slushy her. She forgave me, and I did make amends. Why wouldn't she forgive St James, for egging her once, and why does it bother me so much that he's back?
As he was getting into his truck, he heard a voice. "Puck! Wait, I have to speak to you." Kurt was running at him, and he got into his car under the eyes of a dumbfounded Finn Hudson on the porch. "Take me to dinner, Puckerman. We have to talk." Puck looked at him as if the kid in front of him had turned crazy. "About Rachel," Kurt added with an eye-roll. "Alright, Hummel. But just for the record, this is not a date."
"You wish, Puckerman. Now, shut up and drive."