Chapter 14 – Conversations at Night

She did expect Sam Evans to react quite badly to yet another break-up. She knew he was sensitive and had his own insecurities, although she could not quite understand where these came from. He was gorgeous, funny, kind and with tutoring, his grades have improved tremendously over the last few weeks. She hoped that would prove to him that he was smart enough to succeed in whatever he wished to pursue. Plus, he was talented. Finn Hudson was Will's favorite while Puck had this natural smug persona about him that made it harder to shine amongst them, but vocally, Rachel knew that Sam had the biggest potential. She would know, she was very talented herself. Despite it all, there he was, sulking on a chair, in the kitchen. Why does he have to be shirtless all the time, she wondered, unable to take her eyes off his toned chest, his perfect nipples, his broad shoulders… Get a grip right now, Rachel Barbra Berry. She had been ready to greet him rapidly and head to her room. She was exhausted after that eventful evening and her feet were hurting from those high heels she had to stand on. Of course, she was a good actress and had put on a good face during the entire evening, but she longed for that moment when she could just lay in her bed and get a well-deserved night of sleep.

However, Sam's voice when he said, "Hi Rach," was enough to make her reconsider her plans. Sam was, after all, a friend and a guest at her house, she needed to make him comfortable and at ease. She approached when he was swiping tears off his face. His eyes were puffy and red. She approached slowly and put her hand on his shoulder blade. Fire. Electricity. He seemed to feel it too as his snapped his head at her. The warmth that radiated from their two bodies was insane. It was as if they were connected and their bodies could communicate on their own, independently from their minds. He spun the chair he was sitting on and wrapped her in a hug, wrapped himself really, as if he needed an anchor to life itself, to reality and that Rachel was that anchor. He sobbed in the crook of her neck. The hug could have lasted for hours, but it was only a matter of minutes. She was not entirely comfortable with it, with the feelings that coursed through her body. I am with Jesse, and I am happy with him. She sure was, but she was not sure whether she would ever have that kind of chemistry with him.

"Rachel, am I that horrible?" he finally asked in a broken voice. She looked at him and before she could answer anything, he added. "I mean, first Quinn, now Santana. Why am I never enough?" Even for you, I was never enough, and that hurts even more than the rest. Those words remained unsaid. Rachel felt guilty. She had pushed Santana to tell Sam the truth and pursue her relationship with Brittany. It was the right thing to do, she could not keep leading on Sam. But she had not estimated how much it would hurt Sam. She was after all his girlfriend, and he must have got attached to her, to some extent. That thought alone made her feel slightly queasy. She remembered all too vividly when Sam chose Santana over her in a matter of hours, overnight, literally. That still stung. It is not the right time or place to talk about this. Get a grip, Rachel.

She took his face between her hands, the first thing that popped up were his incredibly pulp lips, a force of nature that she had felt once on her own mouth – a feeling she could never forget, that she was sure of. "Look at me, Sam Evans. You are more than enough. Nothing is wrong with you. You haven't met the right person for you yet, that is all. When you will that girl will be very lucky to have you." I met her, it is you, I am sure of it, but I messed up everything. I guess this is my penitence. Instead, he said: "It has to be something wrong with me. I mean, Quinn, now Santana. It must mean something, right? I know I can be a bit impulsive sometimes, and I know maybe I haven't given her as much time as I should've, but between classes, work and what was going on with my family, I just did not have enough time. I… I don't know…"

"You are not responsible for Santana liking girls, and Brittany in particular, Samuel. This has nothing to do with you." She realized, at the way he looked at her, that she had said too much. She bit her lip nervously while she saw anger flash in his eyes. "Rachel, I never said anything about Brittany… You knew? How long have you known and not told me, Rachel?" he hissed. He could not scream because Rachel's fathers were sleeping upstairs, and he did not want to wake them up. They were nice enough to let him and his family stay with them until they got back up on their feet. That was Rachel's idea, she is the one who made this happen. That thought alone made him regret the tone he adopted with her. She had put a bit of distance between them, as if she was afraid of him. That made him miserable, he sighed. "I am sorry, Rachel, I did not want to…"

She put her hand in the air motioning for him to stop. "I am used to you being a bit impulsive." He winced when she said that, knowing exactly to what event she referred exactly. "But, I should apologize too. Yes, I did know. I found out tonight during Prom when I caught them kissing in an empty classroom." She fidgeted with her fingers, unsure to how he would react to the rest of what she was about to say. He didn't say anything, he knew she was not done. He knew her too well. "I gave an ultimatum to Santana, I told her that she needed to come clean and stop leading you on or that otherwise, I would do it for her. I could not the idea of Santana using you as a cover and of your feelings being hurt down the line. Quite frankly, I am happy she did tell you and I wasn't the one who had to tell you."

She did the right thing, and I was about to yell at her, once again. God, what is wrong with me, Sam thought as he lowered his head, ashamed of how he almost let his nerves get the best out of him, again, with probably the best person he's ever met in his entire sorry life. "Why?" he whispered. He was not even sure what he was asking, but what she said had prompted that reaction. Sometimes, he was just at loss of words around Rachel. She had that effect on him. She is with Jesse, don't go there, you let your chance with her slip away. That thought alone made him want to burst into tears for the second time. He bit his lip furiously to hold off yet another sob.

"Because, it was not my place to tell you, Sam." She remained silent for a second and then her voice turned soft, so soft that it could actually hurt. "And I was a coward. I did not want to be the one to break your heart." That sentence. It brought him back to the whole Quinn debacle, how Rachel had known and made it that he found out through other means. I did not want to be the one to break your heart. At that moment, she did not know, but she had mended his heart a little. Seeing all the care that she had for him, after all that happened between them, it moved him. There went the tears again. I tend to get a bit too sappy when it comes to Rachel Berry.

"Rachel, thank you, so much." She smiled at him, warmly. He had almost gone ballistic and there she was, enveloping him with so much affection. He does not deserve it. "Not only for this, but for everything. I mean, I have been awful to you and you've always been in my corner. I hurt you, but you, you stood by me. You never stopped tutoring me, you made sure I had good grades, you made Santana do right by me. Hell, you even helped my family and me through the hardest time we ever had. You did all of this for a boy who really doesn't deserve you. And I realize I haven't said thank you properly."

As he was speaking, he saw a particular gleam in her eyes, it was the same she had right before he kissed her that afternoon nearby the river. She was blushing a little and he found himself up, standing in front of her, not even realizing he had walked the few steps that separated them. Her hand went to caress his bare arm. Chills. Fever. It was all consuming and all soothing at the same time. He did not even imagine you could feel that much emotions at once. "You were always worth it, Sam. You have great potential. You just needed for someone to show that to you. It was me. It could've been someone else, at a different stage, but you would have found out eventually."

He shook his head vigorously. "It could not have been anyone, Rachel." He put his arm around her waist and his head was dangerously to hers, he could sense, smell and feel her breath as she exhaled. He was so close, a few inches and there it was. Then, she pushed him away, gently but firmly. That broke his heart a little. "Sam, I am with Jesse, we can't do this." His face became white. Had it read it all wrong? He thought they were having a moment. He is not into you like I am, you should break up with him and be with me, Rachel. Of course, he could not say that? How could he? He had missed her shot with her and most importantly, she seemed happy with Jesse, as much as that was hard to concede. "I am so sorry, Rachel, please forgive me. I just got a bit lost, I guess I am still a tad drunk from the after-party."

"You're fine, Samuel. Not to worry. Going back to Santana, don't beat yourself up too much. Santana has always been attracted to girls, that is who she is and we must all accept it. I don't condone by any means the fact that she used you, or all her other boyfriends, as covers but she comes from a quite conservative family. I remember when we were kids and she found out I had two gay dads. Water under bridge now, obviously. I know you have a heart of gold, Sam. So, when you start hurting, maybe you'll take it on you to imagine what Santana must be going through, and maybe you'll be able to support her through it. I will try my best to do it, myself. Maybe my fathers could help. Good night, Sam. I'll see you in the morning."

He took her hand before she could take the stairs. "How do you do it?" She raised her eyebrows, not sure what Sam was referring to. "How do you end up showing grace and compassion to people who have constantly hurt you, mocked you, humiliated you, made you feel horrible about yourself?" She laughed a little, a humorless laugh that was so unlike her, it is almost as if she were bitter. "I am not going to lie, it is not as easy as it seems, and part of me never forgets what I have been put through. But the other is confident enough to be the bigger person, and treat people with kindness when they need it. It doesn't mean I am going to be friends with Santana, at least not right away. I guess part of it is also trying to understand where people come from. It is the case with Santana, obviously. It is also the case with you, Sam."

He looked at her, expecting for her to continue. He dreaded what was to come. He thought they were in a better place. "At first, I really did not understand what unfolded when we had our differences…" He interrupted her, sharply. "Rachel, you don't need to sugarcoat it. I was an asshole to you. There is no 'we' in this, it was all me." It had been important for him to make that clear, that she did not need to be nice to him, he knew what happened. "Fair enough. In any event, I did not understand where you were coming from. I had no idea what had prompted that reaction, and we got so close so quickly that I think I did not want to see. But there was all the drama with Quinn that obviously made you fragile, of course. However, more importantly, there was the tough times your family were going through, are still going through. Once I knew about that, it was easy to understand your position, and if the roles were reversed I wish you would've been candid and understanding enough to forgive me. So, I forgave you. I am not saying it was easy, or it erased totally the hurt I felt, but it was nothing in front of what you had to go through during all those months." She bit her lip, not sure whether she should finish her thought, and ultimately decided to do so. "The only thing is I wish you were comfortable enough with me to tell me right away, and not for me to find out the way I did."

Sam got frantic at her last sentence, he shook his head and looked at her with imploring eyes. "It was not like that Rachel. Please. I was so awful to you that I did not want to use that an excuse. I still don't want that. I was just lousy that day, because I thought…well, it doesn't really matter now, does it? You're with Jesse and he seems to make you happy anyways."

Rachel understood what he did not want to tell her, and her heart skipped a beat that almost declaration of love. She decided it was not right to push Sam for more, knowing that she was with Jesse and would not reciprocate his interest. Sure, he is a handsome man with a good heart and he is a great friend, but I don't reciprocate those feelings. She tried to convince herself and to discount the shivers that his touch would cause every once in a while, the stares she would give his advantageous physique, and what she felt when he kissed her that day by the river. It was all teenage hormones.

"Coming back to Santana, you have nothing to feel guilty about, Sam. Please don't feel hurt in your masculinity or anything. You didn't turn her lesbian, she has always been attracted to girls. That's who she is. If anything, you should be relieved. You cannot compete with Brittany, and so, it shouldn't really count at all. I hope someday Santana and you can be friends. Good night, Samuel." She smiled at him, softly and he answered. "Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, and help me understand. You're so smart and kind, you're the best friend anyone could ask for. I just have one more question though."

She nodded for him to continue. "You spoke about forgiveness and understanding the others' point of view, right? Why don't you do that with Glee Club? We miss you." She frowned her eyebrows, she had never thought of it that way, and quite frankly she did not have an answer. There was something in her, call it instinct, that told her she was done with Glee as a club, that didn't mean she couldn't rekindle a relationship with some of them, but as entity, she was just done. "Because sometimes, the hurt is just too much, Samuel," she answered with a sad smile. Sam hated those smiles from her, he became an expert in Rachel Berry's smile and this one was the one that screamed "I am broken, but I'll keep moving forward because that is just what Rachel Berry does." He took her hand and kissed lightly her knuckles, on a whim. Friends do that, it is not inappropriate.

Her heart skipped a bit, or a hundred until she was brought back by reality when the doorbell rang. She went to the door, Sam trailing after her, just in case because it is too late for a courtesy call. Courtesy call, seriously? He was beginning to sound just like Rachel Berry. "What is he doing here? Why is he shirtless?" shouted an angry Finn, who seemed slightly intoxicated. Rachel pushed him outside, on the porch and when she saw Sam follow her, she whispered: "Sam, go back inside, you're going to freeze outside. I've got this." He did not move one bit, and just shook his head.

"Now, you. How on earth did you think it was a good idea to come to my house after midnight? Sam and his family are living with us, so it makes sense for him to be here at this time, but you, what is it that is so urgent that it couldn't wait tomorrow?" She narrowed her eyes at him, hands on her hips. She was exasperated that such a sweet moment with Sam was yet again ruined by Finn Hudson. Why did I ever like him? Finn looked at her with a sheepish look, he clearly was drunk.

"I love you, Rachel. I did a lot of thinking after our conversation and I am can't just accept that we won't be together. I understand that I hurt you, I truly am sorry. I never meant to hurt you but I am not as strong as you are, the way you carry yourself without giving any second thought to what people think of you, it is inspiring. I wish I saw it sooner, and I wish you could teach me. I want you back, Rachel and I cannot lose you. You're beautiful, kind, talented, smart, you're as perfect as perfect can be and I need to know that there is a way for me to remedy the biggest mistake I did in my entire life. You were right, I did not treat you right and for that I'll resent myself forever, but it can't mean losing forever the best I ever had. It can't be. Please tell me what I need to do. I'll end things with Quinn right away if that's what you want."

Rachel sighed. Sam was amazed at the speech he just heard. Finn had finally understood how amazing Rachel is, it took him losing her to understand. There he was, shivering from the cold and hoping that Rachel would not take him back. She is with Jesse anyways, not that it would change anything for you, he thought sadly. "Look, Finn, this is all very nice and I trust that these realizations will help you further down the line in your life, but I have moved on, as I told you before. There is nothing you need to do because I am not interested anymore. I'm at peace right now, and I really hope you'll get there, be it with Quinn or anyone else. That being said, what you are doing is not fair to Quinn. You were so intransigent with respect to cheating when it happened to you, that it's hard you don't understand that it is exactly what you are doing right now. You're cheating on Quinn emotionally by being here and saying all you are saying. So, please, go home, sober up and think this all through. Oh, and one last thing. You should actually be apologizing to Sam here. You broke the couple he formed with Quinn, a very cute one must I add, out of spite and did not think for a second about what he might feel."

Sam's heart swelled at Rachel's words. She had been the only one to soothe the pain when it happened, and until now, it still left him a bitter taste in the mouth to see Finn and Quinn together, although he will admit that it was fairly blatant that they were not the happiest together. The scene that Finn orchestrated during the dance tonight was just the pinnacle. Sure, Sam had been equally annoyed by the public display of affections between Rachel and Jesse, hell, he had to witness these at home even but he would never lose it the way Finn did. He phased out for a minute, enough to see Rachel moving back and Finn leaning over to kiss her. Without thinking he put himself between the two and pushed Finn away. "Back off, dude. She has a boyfriend. Is it your thing, do you like girls who are already taken?"

"Nobody asked you here Sam!" Finn shrieked. "Enough, Finn" Rachel hissed. "You are going to wake my dads up. Go home. Sam, you too, you go inside this instant. Goodnight, Finn." She pushed Sam towards the door, before she quickly got in and slammed the door in Finn's face, leaving him dumbfounded. A second later, Rachel reopened the door. "God, you cannot go home. You're drunk. Get in, but not a word. I'll call Kurt so that he can get you." The tension in the living room where all three teenagers had moved was palpable. Rachel had sat beside Sam who was stroking her hair without even realizing it while Finn was half asleep. He was muttering in his sleep: "Rachel" and "I love you."

"Sam, you can go to sleep, it's late. It's fine, I got this." Sam looked right into her eyes. He didn't know if it was the fact that he was tired, or the fact that he had this irrational fear that she would go back to Finn, or the fact that he liked – loved – her, but he sustained her look and said. "Rachel, I will not leave you alone. Never" He did not mean to add that last word, it was charged with too much meaning and emotions for someone who was currently taken. But there it went, and Rachel smiled at him, not bothered one bit by his confession.

Sam understood Finn, he could relate tom some extent. It was so easy to love Rachel. She had all the qualities anyone would fall for, endgame material. That is partly why he had snapped when she seemed so close to Puck, that is why he hated Jesse St James, because whoever got to be with Rachel would most likely hold on to her for as long as she let them. That is what he should have done, and he failed miserably, instead hurting her and not trusting her. He just hoped that she had not given up on him just yet, that somewhere there was still a place, a chance for them. He would fight for it. They were in a good place now friendship wise, but he knew that soon enough, he'd want more. Screw Jesse St James, why did she have to go back to him? Why did he have to reappear now? He tried to remember that she was happy with him, that he seemed to do right by her and that it is what mattered the most when you loved someone but it was too much righteousness for almost 3am in the morning.

Kurt opened the door quietly and apologized for the state in which his stepbrother was. It required all three of them to put him in the car. "Love you Rach," he murmured before falling asleep again. Sam felt the urge to punch him while Rachel just rolled her eyes. They went back inside and Rachel exhaled. "I am sorry you had to witness that Sam. He'll get over it, eventually. I hope." She bid him good night and took the stairs while he followed behind her and whispered. "There is no getting over you."

She turned back to him, her brows furrowed. "What did you just say?"