Annie sat on the couch with a screaming baby, she was in tears herself.
"I can't do this," Annie sobbed.
Josh came in from his run and found Annie and Ellie sobbing on the couch.
"What's wrong," Josh asked, sitting beside Annie.
"She won't stop crying, she won't feed, she needs a clean diaper and I want a shower," Annie sobbed.
"I'm going to hold her and change her diaper," Josh directed, "you're going to go shower."
"But she won't eat," Annie sobbed, "I can't get her to eat."
"Maybe she's not hungry," Josh suggested, "give Ellie to me. I'm going to change her and cuddle with her while you shower. You need to shower and eat something. When was the last time you ate or drank?"
"I don't know when you made breakfast," Annie whined.
"That was around 7 this morning," Josh said, "it's almost four. No wonder you're upset. You're probably starving and dehydrated and you've been feeding Ellie. What can I do?"
"I need a shower," Annie bawled.
"Shower, then food," Josh said, "what if I got sushi delivered?"
"Salmon maki and spicy tuna," Annie asked.
"Yes," Josh said, "first shower. I'm going to change Ellie."
"I don't want her out of my sight," Annie cried, "she's too little."
"It's just me," Josh said, "we won't even go outside without you. I promise we will stay in the house."
Annie shook her head, "no I need her with me."
Josh sighed he had been warned about these meltdowns and Annie had a few in the last few months but this was something else. He knew medically what was happening but was unprepared for the wild emotions he had seen in the last five days since Ellie had been born. He didn't know how to help her. But he did know they needed to do this themselves.
"What if I held her in the bathroom," Josh suggested.
"I don't want you to see me," Annie cried.
"Your gorgeous Annie. I've never been more in love with you ," Josh replied, "if it would make you feel better I can wait outside until I hear the water turn on and leave when it's off."
"Please," Annie whined.
"I'll change her diaper and meet you there," Josh said.
Annie slowly stood up and made her way to their room. She was tired and afraid to sleep. Afraid if she slept something would happen to Ellie. That she would stop breathing or her heart would stop.
Josh carried Ellie into the nursery, "so baby bug what's going on with mommy? Why is mommy so upset today? She was so happy when I went for my run. Did you nap? Did mommy sleep? I don't think mommy is sleeping. Maybe we should call grandma?"
Annie turned the shower on and sobbed as the hot water flowed over her. She was exhausted, sore and she didn't recognize her own body; it didn't feel like hers anymore. Her once toned stomach sagged and still looked pregnant , she had stretch marks, she just didn't feel like herself. The baby was attached to her constantly and she was constantly nursing, her boobs hurt and were bigger than they had ever been. She hated the way her body looked.
Josh slid into the bathroom holding Ellie, "so baby bug, were going to wait here while mommy showers. I think she's going to be a lot happier when she feels clean."
Josh kept talking to the baby while Annie showered.
"Can I have my towel," Annie asked after the water turned off.
Josh put the big fluffy towel in Annie's hand, "I'll be in our room with Ellie. I'm going to order our sushi. You relax and take your time."
"Thanks," Annie replied, "it'll take me a few minutes to deal with my hair. I'm starting to see why mama suggested cutting it before she was born."
"I love your hair," Josh said, "don't cut it off."
"I'm not making decisions now but maybe," Annie said.
Annie brushed her heavy wet hair and wove it into a braid to get it out of her way.
"That feels a bit better," Annie admitted.
"I thought it would," Josh replied.
Annie sat beside him on the bed.
"Still fussing Ellie bug," Annie asked the baby.
"She is," Josh replied.
"I don't remember the last time I fed her," Annie said.
"Did you use the app," Josh asked.
"It's the only way I can keep track of anything," Annie said, "my brain is still not working."
"You're not sleeping," Josh said over the fussing baby.
"I can't," Annie whined.
"Why," Josh asked, "you're exhausted."
"Because if I fall asleep she's going to have apnea or an abnormal heart rhythm," Annie cried.
"Why don't you feed her then I can hold her and you can have a nap," Josh suggested, "even an hour would make you feel better. Our food is coming around 6:30."
Annie nodded, "I kinda need her if I'm going to feed her."
"Of course," Josh said, passing Ellie to Annie.
"Are you hungry baby bug," Annie asked the little girl, "that's it, I bet you're hungry baby. You'll have your snack then maybe the three of us can have a cuddle."
"What do you want me to do," Josh asked.
"Can I have some water then the three of us just curl up on the couch," Annie asked.
"We will," Josh said, "have you talked to your mama today?"
"I haven't had a chance," Annie said, "we've texted and she's coming in the morning."
"Do you want to call her," Josh offered.
"I think my phone is dead," Annie said.
"Use mine," Josh offered.
"When she's done," Annie said.
"I'll go get it for you then miss Ellie needs daddy cuddles," Josh said. He was hoping that taking the baby and letting Annie talk to Teddy for a few minutes would make her feel a bit better. While Josh had been out a couple times in the four days since they'd been home Annie had only gone for a short walk with him that morning. They had been lucky and had been discharged Monday morning after Ellie was born early Sunday, they had given Annie an iron infusion while she was in the hospital because she had been anemic again. But Annie wasn't herself, she was tired, probably overwhelmed and not telling Josh everything. Teddy had popped in a couple times to see them and check on them with Owen and Meghan had dropped off a couple meals and some cookies that morning.
Annie walked to the family room with Ellie, "she's asleep again. I'm going to call mama then we can watch something?"
"Go call Teddy," Josh said, "my phone is on the coffee table and fully charged. I plugged yours in, it's down to five percent."
"Thank you," Annie replied and took his phone to their bedroom.
"Josh what's going on," Teddy greeted.
"Mama I can't do this," Annie sobbed into the phone.
"Oh sweetheart what's wrong," Teddy asked.
"All I do is feed and change Ellie. She's attached to me 24/7 today was only the second shower I've had since we came home and I don't even look like me anymore," Annie's words rushed out.
Teddy paused, "sweetheart you need to breathe. Where's Ellie?"
"With Josh on the couch," Annie sniffled.
"Good they need time together. Where are you," Teddy asked.
"On my bed," Annie cried, "I have a pile of laundry, some from before she was born my house is a mess and I can't sleep."
"It's okay," Teddy soothed, "I did the same thing with Allison. You need to tell Josh."
"He'll think I'm pathetic," Annie cried.
"Tell him. He loves you, he's going to want to help," Teddy promised, "baby girl this is all part of the process you've put your body through huge adjustments over the last nine months you need time to adjust to a new normal. Tell Josh how you feel. What would make you feel better?"
"Food and to get out of the house," Annie admitted.
"Then go eat something even if it's just yogurt. Meghan said she dropped off cookies and zucchini bread today why don't you grab a slice of that," Teddy said, "and tell Josh you want to go for a drive. Put Ellie in her car seat and the three of you go."
"Where," Annie asked.
"Out," Teddy said, "go get ice cream or a doughnut just go for an hour. You'll feel better."
"Can you come," Annie whined, "I need you."
"No sweetheart you need to lean on Josh," Teddy said, "I can't come tonight Owen is doing a 36 and I don't think you want Ali and Leo all over Ellie. I will be there as soon as he gets home in the morning I promise. I'll come and help you out then. I'll do whatever you need me to do. For now you need to eat, have a break from the house and sleep."
"What if she has apnea," Annie asked.
"She's perfectly healthy," Teddy replied, "don't worry. You spent too much time in the nicu."
"But what if," Annie started.
"Annie stop," Teddy cut her off, "Ellie is perfectly healthy. Every check at the hospital was good. Breath sweetheart. Baby girl you have to relax."
"But she won't stop fussing," Annie cried.
"Because you won't relax," Teddy said, "this is hard but you're not alone. Lean on Josh sweetheart you need to tell him. I held all of this in when Allison was a baby. Tell him. What do you need?"
"To feel like me," Annie whined.
"Go tell Josh and have a nap," Teddy said, "you're not thinking straight because you're not sleeping. Ellie is fine with her daddy."
"I'll try," Annie muttered.
"I'm being called to the pit sweetheart I have to go," Teddy said, "call Meghan or Nana if you need anything, they're both home tonight."
"We will," Annie replied.
"Love you sweetheart, give Ellie a kiss from grandma," Teddy said.
"I will," Annie replied, "love you two."
Annie walked back out to the family room and gave Josh his phone back, "thanks love."
"Better," Josh asked.
"A bit," Annie replied, "I need out of the house for a bit after dinner."
"Why don't we go for a drive along the waterfront," Josh suggested.
"Ice cream," Annie asked.
"We can get ice cream," josh agreed
"How's Ellie," Annie asked.
"Fast asleep," Josh smiled at the baby, "she's perfect Annie."
"I can't believe she's ours," Annie smiled, "and we made her."
"I helped get her started, you made her," Josh said, he patted the spot beside him on the couch, "you are incredible. Come here."
Annie sat beside Josh and leaned against him letting her head rest on his shoulder she reached out her hand and slipped her pinkie into the baby's grasp.
"Now we're together," Annie whispered.
Josh ran his free hand up and down Annie's arm and kissed her temple, "I love you."
"I love you too," Annie whispered.
"My girls. My perfect amazing girls," Josh whispered. Glancing down he saw Annie was half asleep on his shoulder. He kept trailing his hand up and down her arm realizing that she would probably fall asleep soon. He was happy to hold them both as they slept. He wished he knew what was going on in Annie's head there was something she wasn't telling him. He gently kissed the top of her head. Her breathing was slow and even and she had curled up against him she was asleep. Their dinner would be there in just over an hour. He was going to let both Annie and Ellie sleep.