Chapter 15: Frustration and anguish.
It had been two days since John had come out of his coma and for most of that time, he had been asleep. For the few hours that he'd been awake, Teyla, or a member of his team had been with him at all times, telling him that they were sure he would be feeling better soon. The rhetoric was getting old fast and he was not happy. Every time someone suggested that he would feel better soon, he would plaster a fake smile on his face and thank them.
The promise he'd made to himself two days earlier to get on with his life and stop feeling sorry for himself, was long forgotten. How could you try to get on with things when you were either sleeping or puking? He didn't even want to think about the fact that he'd had to endure sponge baths and a catheter.
Every time he'd been awake over the last two days, he'd begged Carson to let him get on his feet and have a shower, but Carson had refused, telling him he was still too weak and his leg was still a real mess. That had made him feel even worse, so this morning he hadn't even bothered to ask. He was going to lie here like a good little patient and do whatever Carson told him to do.
Right now, he was waiting for someone to bring his lunch in for him and if it was chicken soup again, he knew he was going to lose it. Although he was trying to be a model patient, he drew the line at chicken soup for every meal. Carson had told him that his stomach couldn't handle much at the moment due to the continuing nausea he was feeling. What he hadn't told Carson was, he was having the same nightmare over and over again. He hadn't had to talk to *Doc Robinson yet, but he knew that it was coming.
A few minutes later Carson arrived with the same cheery face and voice that he always had, he wondered whether it was something all doctors learnt in medical school because Keller was even worse than Carson.
"How are you doing Laddie," Carson asked with a huge grin on his face and John didn't miss the twinkle in his bright blue eyes.
"I'm just dandy, thanks Carson," he replied with and a fake smile.
He watched as Carson sighed, he knew that Carson wasn't buying his fake cheerfulness, but then the doctor had never mentioned it.
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?" Carson asked with a twinkle in his eye.
He just glared at his friend, "I'm not in the mood for games doc, so why don't you just tell me what is going on?"
"Well, the good news is we're going to try and get you on your feet after lunch and the bad news is that you're probably going to feel terrible afterwards."
Carson had decided that the fracture in his tibia wasn't as bad as he had initially thought, so he had decided that John could use a walking cast so that he could get around when needed, but the majority of the time John was to use a wheelchair; at least for now.
"You know what I'm sick to death of lying in this bed, so at least I'll be doing something?"
Before Carson had a chance to reply, Marie walked into the room with a tray of food, "I have your lunch Colonel," she said in a cheerful tone, while she was placing it down on the tray table.
Gee, she must have gone to the same medical school as Carson and Keller, she certainly seems just as cheerful, he thought before taking the lid off of the food. He was pleasantly surprised when he found some toast and scrambled eggs on the plate.
"Finally," he muttered," something different than chicken soup."
"What was that Laddie?"
A smile lit up his face as he answered, "where's the coffee, Carson? You can't have scrambled eggs without the coffee."
"You know the drill Colonel, you're still on strong pain killers, so no coffee."
"It was worth a try." He muttered, before digging into his food and after two days of nothing but chicken soup, it was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted.
Looking up from his plate, he was surprised to see Carson smiling at him, "What?" He asked, wondering what Beckett's problem was.
"It's just good to see you with a smile on your face."
"Well, it's good to get some decent food to eat, but you know what would be better?"
"You want me to take the catheter out and let you have a shower?" Carson answered and it was obvious that Carson knew him, way too well.
"You read my mind doc."
"After lunch, I will take the catheter out and then perhaps, we can try and walk to the bathroom, but you can't have a shower yet."
"It was worth a try doc," he said with a smirk on her face.
"Finish your lunch Laddie and I'll be back in and hours to try and get you on your feet. I've asked Ronon to come and help in case we get into trouble."
John watched Carson leave and pushed his tray away, he'd only eaten half of what was on his plate, but for now, that was all he felt like. Closing his eyes, he decided that it was probably time for another nap because he knew that trying to get on his feet that afternoon was going to be brutal.
He was just beginning to doze off when someone entered his room and by the soft footsteps and the smell of the perfume, he knew that it was Teyla.
"Teyla," he whispered, not bothering to open his eyes.
"John it is good to see you awake, how are you feeling honey?"
Opening his eyes and looking up at her he smiled, it had been a while since they had used pet names for one another and he quite enjoyed it, "I'm feeling much better today thanks, Sweetie."
"Carson has told me that he is going to try and get you on your feet after lunch, so I thought that I would visit with you for a while first, as you may need a lot of rest afterwards."
He wished that Teyla hadn't said that because now he felt incredibly weak again and it also reminded him of the long road to recovery that he had ahead of him. But then he remembered that he was going to ask Teyla to marry him as soon as he was released from the infirmary, so at least he had something to look forward too.
Chancing the subject, he asked, "how's Torren?"
"He is doing well, but he certainly misses you and he cannot wait for you to come home."
"Well, Carson says that if I can manage to get on my feet today, he may let me come home by the end of the week providing I use a wheelchair to get around with." He closed his eyes before continuing so that Teyla couldn't see the tears brimming there, "but I should be used to a wheelchair by now shouldn't I, considering I have spent a lot of the last eleven weeks in one?"
"I do not know what to say John and I only hope that things get better for you soon. But one thing you do need to remember is that we are all here for you, so if you need to talk, we are available to listen."
"Thanks, Teyla," he whispered opening his eyes.
"You should try to go to sleep and I will sit with you for a while."
Suddenly the pull of sleep was overwhelming, so he closed his eyes and was happy to drift off into a deep dreamless sleep.
When he awoke again, it didn't take him long to realise that Teyla had gone and Ronon was sitting in his usual position, with his feet up on the end of the bed.
"Whatcha doing?" He asked his friend suddenly feeling incredibly suspicious of the fact that he was in the room.
"Doc says that when you wake up, we can try and get you on your feet."
"Great," he muttered, "so have you come to see the show?"
"Nope, I've come to help you." Ronon stood up before he continued, "but first I'm going to get Doc Beckett."
Once Ronon had left he lay back on his pillows, knowing that this would be his last few minutes of rest for the foreseeable future, so he may as well enjoy it while he could.
It must have only been a few minutes before Ronon returned with Carson and Carson was carrying a walking cast with him, "Now laddie, this may hurt, but I need to put this on your leg before we try and get you up." Carson stated.
Before anything happened, Dave walked into the room and John was really annoyed by it, the last thing he needed was his brother seeing him trying to stagger around the room like an old drunk, "have you come to watch the show too?" He asked sarcastically.
"Nope," Dave replied, "Carson has asked me to help get you on your feet."
He was incredulous at the suggestion, "I don't think so! I think I can manage without my brother standing around and laughing at his poor little brother!"
If John hadn't been feeling so crappy, he would have laughed at the look on his brothers face, before he answered, "I honestly want to help John, no-one pities you, least of all me. You're one of the strongest people I know, so cut yourself some slack and admit to being human once in a while."
He thought about a strong retort but decided against it when he realised that his brother was right. Sometimes he hated his human frailty, but perhaps no one saw him as weak or pitied him, just maybe that was all in his imagination. Despite all of this he knew that he was going to be absolutely humiliated when they watched him trying to stand up.
"I guess we'd better get on with it then before I fall asleep again since that is all I want to do these days," John suggested while stifling a yawn.
Carson moved next to John's bed and put the walking cast on his lower leg, he winced at the pain the pressure it caused on his still-healing leg.
"I know you're not happy about this and it is causing you pain, but you're likely to be pretty wobbly, and if you pass out, I'd rather have Ronon here to pick you up.
"Great, can we please get this over with," John said resigned to the total humiliation he was feeling and figuring that it couldn't really get much worse.
"Good lad let's get started," Carson suggested.
The three men stood next to the bed, Dave standing slightly out of the way.
John moaned as Carson raised the head of his bed to and almost upright angle, his head was swimming and he tried to gain focus. His stomach started to churn and he tried to quell the bile from rising his oesophagus.
"Just breath slowly Colonel, "Carson soothed, "We'll let you get your bearings before we continue."
"You've got to be kidding me," John growled, in between bouts of nausea, "why the hell is it so hard for me to sit up properly?"
"You were in a coma for over a week and we still have no idea what effect that bloody device had on you." Carson stated forcefully, "perhaps we should call it quits for today," he suggested trying to lower the back of the bed down again.
"No... just…give me a minute." John replied, trying to sound strong, but actually feeling and sounding pretty weak.
"Okay, we'll take it slowly. I don't want you to help, just relax and breathe evenly," Carson soothed.
John nodded in understanding, but he couldn't stop a moan from escaping his lips as he felt his legs being moved around, so they dangled over the edge of the bed. His left leg screamed at the movement, and it took all of John's will power not to throw up.
Before he had a chance to say anything, John felt himself being gently held under the arms by Dave and Ronon and moved forward off of the bed. As his feet found purchase on the cold infirmary floor, he tried to lock his knees. John could still feel the lingering weakness in his right leg and his lower left leg felt as though daggers were pressing deep into the muscle and his still healing right shoulder wasn't helping matters either.
Mustering every last bit of strength, John forced his knees to stay locked and not give out on him, though it took every bit of determination he had. Trying to open his eyes, he quickly closed them, when suddenly he felt dizzy. As nausea rose again, he felt beads of cold sweat form on his forehead and he moaned as his knees finally decided to buckle.
"Feel…. Sick.." John managed to grind out.
John barely heard Carson telling Ronon and Dave to lie him back down.
"You've done really well Colonel. Just try and breathe."
He heard Carson's voice again, but he couldn't stop himself from gagging. John was aware of something being pushed under his chin, and he inwardly moaned as his stomach muscles spasmed and he threw up its merge contents.
"Dave can you get his legs up onto the bed please, I'll hold him until he's finished vomiting," Carson suggested.
John managed a groan when he finally ceased retching, and he let out a feeble whimper as the pain in his leg reached an all-time high. Why the hell does this hurt so much he wondered as he screwed his eyes shut?
Keeping his eyes screwed firmly shut, he tried to breathe through the pain and his head swam as he felt the bed being lowered. He managed to protest as he felt an oxygen mask being placed over his mouth and nose, but when he lifted his hand to try and remove it he felt strong hands holding it down.
"It's all right, Colonel. Just try and breathe for me. I'll give you something for the pain in a minute." John heard Carson soothe.
"No, I'm good," he managed to stutter.
"What did he say," Dave's voice came through loud and clear.
"Said that he doesn't want any drugs," Ronon's gruff voice replied.
Even though John felt a little better, he knew what was coming.
"Please give him something?" Dave begged Carson.
John had to admit that he was relieved as he felt the tug on his IV line, knowing that he'd be put out of his misery shortly. As the cool numbness began to take effect, he had to wonder why he wanted to get up, but maybe the fact that he'd spent most of the last eleven weeks in the infirmary he must have suffered some kind of brain damage.
"I'm heading off now," Ronon stated interrupting his thoughts.
"I'll catch you later John," Dave said patting him on the shoulder.
That left Carson in the room with him, "that was never going to be easy lad. Your previous injuries are still not one hundred percent healed and the device that turned you into a child and left you in a coma, has weakened you physically, so all things considered I think that went reasonably well."
He just stared at the doctor in total disbelief, "You're kidding me, right? That was an absolute disaster and if that was my first attempt to get on my feet again, it's going to be years before I'm back to normal again. I was on my feet much faster after having two broken legs."
"Do you have any idea the mess your leg was in when you came through the gate? You could only see damage on the outside, but I got to see what the mess on the inside as well and believe me when I say you're lucky to still have the leg. It took me five hours to put it back together, so believe me when I say you did really well today!" Carson was yelling at him by the time he'd finished talking and John felt suitably chastised.
John sighed, it was time to try and soothe his friend, then perhaps he could go back to sleep for a while, "I'm sorry Carson, but I am feeling really frustrated right now."
"Aye lad, I understand, but we will get you back on your feet eventually and then perhaps you can stay locked in your apartment for the rest of your life," Carson quipped.
John gave his doctor a deadpan look, to let him know that he wasn't amused, "funny."
"Right, I'll leave you in peace, so that you can try and get some rest. I'll be in my office if you need me."
"Thanks, Doc," John said closing his eyes again.
He was relieved when Carson had left and he was finally alone, for now, the pain in his leg was muted, so it didn't take him long to fall into a restless sleep.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
It was dinner time and Teyla had decided to head to the mess hall for dinner with Torren. She barely ate in her apartment when John was in the infirmary since John was usually the one who cooked.
Entering the mess hall with Torren by her side, she looked around the room looking for someone to sit with. It wasn't long before she saw Dave and Jane sitting at a table overlooking the ocean.
She stopped at the serving table and felt Torren tugging on her arm, "eat Momma?"
Looking down at her son, she smiled, "I believe it is meatloaf and mashed potatoes tonight."
"Yummy!" Torren replied with excitement.
"Would you like some help?" Ronon asked coming up alongside her.
"Can you please get us our meals while I take Torren to the table?"
"Sure," was Ronon's reply.
Nodding at her friend she picked Torren up and walked to the table where Dave was sitting, "how did John go trying to get on his feet today?" She asked Dave, putting Torren into his highchair, and sitting down herself.
"Carson says that he did really well, but I could see that John thought otherwise."
"He did really well," Carson told her coming up to join them at the table.
"Really Carson, he threw up and was about to pass out and you think he did well?" Dave said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
"As I said to John, his leg was a real mess and he came close to losing it, so he did really well, considering the number of sutures that are on the inside of his leg." Carson reiterated for them.
Teyla turned to her friend and smiled, "I am glad it went well Carson, perhaps I will go and visit him for a while after dinner."
"He was asleep when I finished my shift, but if he wakes up later, I'm sure he'll want to see you, Lassie."
Ronon came up alongside her and put a tray in front of her, "here's your food."
"Thank you, Ronon."
Before she had a chance to ask Carson anything else Torren decided to speak up, "where Daddy?"
"Daddy is still in the infirmary with a sore leg lad, perhaps when he's feeling a little bit better you can come and see him again," Carson told the boy in a gentle tone.
"Otay," Torren mumbled and went back to trying to eat his food.
Now that her son seemed occupied, Teyla turned to Carson again, "so where are Claudia and the twins tonight?"
"They have had to go back to earth, apparently her mother is not very well at the moment," Carson told her and she could see the sadness in his eyes.
Teyla knew how close Carson and Claudia had become and he suspected that one day Carson may like to marry her, but that was none of her business. If it happened, she would be incredibly happy for both of them.
"What are you doing tonight then Carson?" Jane asked, joining the conversation for the first time.
"I think I'll head to my quarters and have a good night's sleep. Colonel Sheppard has kept me busy the last few weeks, so I'm feeling quite exhausted."
Teyla took his hand and smiled, "thank you for taking such good care of him again Carson."
"Aye your welcome lass, I only wish I didn't have to do it so often."
"He is a strong warrior, so I believe he will recover quickly," Ronon interjected, completely changing the subject.
"I really hope you're right Ronon," Dave said with a sigh.
Teyla looked around the room and it didn't take her long to realise that someone was missing, "where's Rodney tonight?"
It was Dave who provided the information for her, "I think he had some work to do in his lab, so he wanted to stay and finish it before he went to bed."
Teyla was startled when Carson stood up and spoke, "speaking of bed, I think I'll head off now."
"Goodnight Carson," Teyla and Jane said in unison.
Ronon grunted and Dave waved. Ronon was the next to leave, without bothering to say anything, eventually, she was just sitting with Dave and Jane. She looked at her son and realised that he'd managed to get his food all over him.
Sighing she turned to Dave and Jane, "I fear that Torren will need a bath tonight. Would you mind looking after him for me overnight again?"
"We'd love to!" Jane said with enthusiasm.
"Well, if you do not mind, I think I will return to my apartment for a short rest before I go and see John." She turned to Torren before continuing, "Torren I am going to see Daddy for a while, so you will be spending the night with Aunty Jane and Uncle Dave."
"Otay Momma."
Once she was sure that her son was content to be with his Aunt and Uncle, she stood up and left the mess hall. Heading to her apartment she thought that she'd have at least two hours sleep before she went to the infirmary to visit John and then she would stay with him for the entire night.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
John was standing by himself in a small room and he had no idea why he was there. The room was cold, dark, and empty except for a small bed that had a small child laying on it, covered from head to toe in blankets. At one end of the room, there was a small fire burning.
He inched closer to the prone form lying on the bed, afraid of what he might see. Who was this person and what were they doing there and more to the point what the hell was he doing here? As he got closer a sense of foreboding overcame him and he almost turned around and ran out of the room, but something made him pull the covers back.
What he saw was terrifying Torren was lying in the bed, and he was staring up at him with dull lifeless eyes. It was all too much for him, so he started to sob, all the while calling his son's name. Looking closer he realised that someone was lying in the bed with Torren and it didn't take him long to realise that it was Teyla, so he started to sob louder calling hers and Torren's names over and over again…
He awoke to the sound of his own sobbing and moaning, "Teyla, Torren, please don't be dead, I can't live without you?"
Within seconds he felt gentle arms wrapped around him as he sobbed, he instantly knew whose they were and he felt extremely comforted by them.
"Do not worry John, Torren and I are both alive and well. We are incredibly worried about you though."
Putting his head on her shoulder he just sobbed, letting out all of the grief and anguish he had felt over the last eleven weeks. Being so overwhelmed by his grief he barely noticed when someone came into the room and whispered to Teyla and he was relieved when they went away. For now, it was just him and Teyla and he clung to her like a man drowning in a storm. It seemed like forever that she held him in her arms, but right now he didn't care, Teyla and Torren were alive and well and he never wanted to lose them, so he decided that he was going to propose to her right now.
When his sobbing had ceased, he looked up at Teyla and offered her a weak smile, "I'm sorry that you had to witness that."
"It is alright John; you have been through an unimaginable amount of suffering in the last eleven weeks and I completely understand your need to lose it." She smiled at him before continuing, "did I say that right?"
He loved it when she tried to use colloquialisms from Earth, "yes Teyla you got it right."
Teyla carefully hopped off the bed and sat in a chair beside him and he felt a little disappointed that she was no longer close to him.
"Now, do you wish to tell me about the nightmares you've been having?"
Taking a deep breath, he tried to summon enough courage to tell her about them. He knew that he really had to talk to someone and Teyla was probably the only person he would ever feel comfortable with talking too.
"Well, in each of the nightmares, I was in the small room that Klull and his buddies held me in and laying on the small bed in the room was a small child. The first time I pulled back the covers, it was Dave as a child, staring up at me with dull lifeless eyes. The second time it was me and the last nightmare I had, it was Torren, you were lying next to him and you were dead as well." He felt tears brimming in his eyes as he finished, and he knew that he was about to lose it again.
"John that is horrific, I am sorry that you had to have those nightmares." She took a deep breath and John wondered whether she was going to continue or not, after a few seconds she continued, "did you ever fear for your life when Klull was holding you hostage."
"Yeah, the guy was a bit of a nut job, so he was completely unpredictable, so anything could have happened."
"Well, you are safe now and I am going to stay with you all night."
"Thank you, Sweetie," he whispered.
"Carson was in here earlier wanting to know if you needed any pain meds, so I will go and get him now."
"No, there is something I want to ask you first."
She nodded at him and he felt that she was permitting him to go ahead.
"Teyla I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, so would you do me the honour of being my wife."
When he saw tears in her eyes, he became afraid that she was going to say no, so he decided that he needed to say something, "If you say no, I won't be upset."
"Of course, I want to be your wife John Sheppard, but I have one condition."
Great, he thought, why does there always have to be a set of conditions. "And what might that be?" He asked with trepidation.
"I would like for you to undertake the bonding with me, according to my traditions and customs."
If that was the only condition, then he was the happiest man in the universe, "I would be honoured to bonded to you for the rest of my life."
He felt her lips brush his lips and he kissed back as passionately as he could from a hospital bed. When she finally pulled away, he felt a little breathless.
"I think I will go and get Carson for you now, but do not worry I plan on staying with you all night."
He watched as his fiancée walked out of the room and he couldn't be happier. He knew that he still had a long way to go with his recovery, but at least he had Teyla by his side when things go difficult.
Suddenly he felt exhausted again, so he let his eyes close and it wasn't long before he fell into a deep sleep.
TBC…
*Dr Eva Robinson is the Psychologist in the Stargate Legacy series of books.