"Josh," a brunette woman asked, "Joshua Riggs."
"Yes," Josh said, turning around, "Kristy Smith?"
"Hi Josh," Kirsty replied, "what are you doing here?"
"I'm doing my surgical fellowship as a trauma surgeon," Josh replied, "what brought you in?"
"My son is in the hospital," Kirsty replied.
"This is the ER," Josh said, "why are you here and not in Peds?"
"The perky blonde doctor who said she could fix his heart was giving me a headache so I'm looking for something for it," Kirsty replied, "can you help me?"
"I can send you to the clinic," Josh said, "they can help you there. Which doctor is treating your son?"
"Her name starts with an A," Kirsty said, "she's perky, blonde curls, really short."
"Sounds like my wife Dr Grace Altman," Josh replied.
"You got married," Kirsty said, "bad boy, can't be tied down, Josh Riggs got married. I have to tell everyone at home this."
"Married two years now, together 9," Josh said, "our daughter is 18 weeks. Ellie just started laughing. How old is your son?"
"Nigel is 7," Kirsty said, "he was born with a bad heart. The doctors call it something, left heart syndrome."
"Hypoplastic left heart syndrome," Josh replied, "my wife is working on research for that are you part of the trial?"
"Whatever it is we're getting it free," Kirsty replied.
"Sounds like the trial with Dr Yang and Dr Altman," Josh replied.
"I can't believe you're married," Kirsty said, "finally found a woman who met your high standards? None of us from high school were ever good enough."
In the peds cardio hallway Annie was talking to another fellow, "Sam what can I do for you?"
"I heard a rumor that I thought I'd ask you about straight up," Samantha replied.
"Yes Josh and I are really married, our daughter was planned, I know trying and being pregnant as a fifth year resident wasn't a good career move, I am not the golden child," Annie replied.
"None of that," Samantha said, "I went to see my aunt in Cloverdale BC and I was showing her some pictures of the cardio team and she recognized you. She said you may not really be Grace Altman. She called you Annabeth McKellar. She said you were her neighbor but ran away about ten years ago."
"It's true," Annie replied, "I grew up in Cloverdale. Wait who's your aunt?"
"Lynda Dridger," Samantha said.
"Tell Mrs Dridger I say hi," Annie replied, "she was my piano teacher then I decided I'd rather dance. I was Annabeth McKellar until I was almost 22. I legally changed my name 8 years ago for personal reasons."
"Your relationship to the chief then," Samantha asked.
"My biological mother. It as I've said before I didn't grow up with her. I was actually adopted as a baby and reconnected with mama when I was 19," Annie said, "this stays between us. Let's take it to our office and I'll explain there."
"So what auntie Lynda said is true," Samantha asked.
"Depends on what she said," Annie replied.
Annie's phone buzzed.
"It's daycare I want to chat but Ellie needs me and after the morning I've had I just want to be mommy for a bit," Annie said.
"When you go to your daughter what are you doing," Samantha asked.
"Feeding her," Annie said, "Ellie is breast fed."
"If you want to bring her to the office I don't care, it's just you and I today," Samantha offered.
"It makes people uncomfortable," Annie said, "on call rooms lock."
"You really feed your baby in on call rooms," Samantha asked.
"I don't have much choice for privacy," Annie said, "I'd rather still be home with her but that's not really a choice. I should have held my fellowship a year, taken more time with Ellie, but it's too late now."
"Why did you," Samantha asked.
"Prove I'm equal to mama," Annie answered, "she only took 12 weeks with my baby sister as an attending."
"What if I tweaked your schedule," Samantha offered.
"What do you mean," Annie asked.
"See if I can give you more time with your daughter," Samantha replied, "80 is the maximum 50 is minimum. Do some of your projects at home."
They reached the door of daycare and Annie walked in signaling Samantha to wait for her.
In the infant room Annie bent over the bouncer and scooped up Ellie, "hi baby bug. Is it time for lunch sweetheart?"
"Do you want us to give her a bottle," the teacher asked.
"I'm going to take her for a bit," Annie said, "I'll feed and change her. I need baby time."
In Annie's arms Ellie immediately began pulling and sucking at Annie's scrub top.
"She's adorable," Samantha cooed.
"Ellie this is dr Sam," Annie replied, "mommy shares her office with her. Where should we have our lunch?"
"Use our office Grace," Samantha said.
"I'll meet you there later. I'll text when I'm on my way," Annie said, "we're going to go to our favorite spot."
Annie walked to the far on call room by the back stairs, she stepped in and closed the door behind her. She pulled off her scrub top so she was just in her bra. She would need a new top after this with Ellie having sucked on her shirt. Annie got comfortable on the bed and began to feed Ellie. Tears falling down her cheeks onto Ellie's head.
"I'm sorry baby bug," Annie cried, "I know mommy works too much. I don't know how to be the mom you need and prove I'm as tough and as smart as grandma. Everyone expects me to be her but they forget I'm 30. Today is mommy's birthday. I think only daddy and grandma remembered."
The baby looked up at Annie with her big green eyes.
"What do you think Ellie Bug," Annie pondered, "should mommy just do one thing right now. You and daddy are the most important things in my world but I'm not doing a very good job of it. I like to work and I like to save kids but I miss our days at home. I'm going to put some of my extras I've always done to suck up to grandma and the others away for now. Let daddy have a chance to shine. It's time for me to step back and let daddy be in the spotlight. For now Ellie, daddy and what I have to do for work. I'm okay being good for a while. I can be great when you're bigger."
There was a knock on the door.
"Annie," Josh said.
"How did you find me," Annie asked.
"You always bring her here to feed her," Josh slipped into the room, "babe why are you crying?"
"I can't do this," Annie said, "I'm not being a good mom right now because I'm doing too much here. I need more time with Ellie."
"I know you do," Josh replied, "how can I help?"
"I want to step back for a bit," Annie said, "focus on Ellie and our marriage. I know mama has all these grand plans for me but I don't think that's what I want anymore. I'm happy being good at what I do. Let me focus on just the kids stuff for now. Maybe I don't need to be pushed to do neonatal or fetal. I know what we had planned but it's not what I love. I know we planned that but that was before Ellie. I'm 30 and I'm still not done training. Do I really want another 7 years of fellowships? That's not fair to you or Ellie or me."
"What would make you happy," Josh asked.
"Shelving the book project for now," Annie replied, "dropping non essential teaching. Operate, the research I have to do to keep my spot and limit my hours. I'm going to see what work I can do at home. I'm not being a good mom right now. I hardly see Ellie. I need more time with her. Sam offered to cut my hours down to 50."
"I think you should if you would be happier," Josh agreed.
"I'll cut back and you take on your adolescent trauma project you've been holding off on," Annie said.
"I think we both keep our projects on the shelf," Josh replied, "just be the three of us. Our family."
"I need to step back," Annie admitted, "I need to focus on Ellie and getting myself healthy. I'm still only eating bare minimum."
"How much are you eating," Josh asked, "I can see every one of your ribs."
"Enough to keep up milk for Ellie," Annie said.
"Annie you can't do this to yourself," Josh said.
"I know the facts and I know what I feel and they don't connect," Annie admitted.
"How can I help," Josh asked.
"I don't think anyone can," Annie replied, "I need serious help maybe beyond dr Wyatt. I think I need a specialist. I can't do this. I want to eat but every time I do I feel sick and disgusted with myself. That if I was five pounds smaller I would be worthy. If I was smarter and worked harder I might be enough. I know it's all lies on paper, my brain gets it but my heart doesn't."
"Then let's find someone," Josh said, "find the specialist to help you."
"You're just waiting for her to stop nursing then you'll take Ellie and leave because I'm nuts," Annie said.
"Never," Josh promised, "I love you too much. Do you have any more surgeries today?"
"No," Annie said.
"Then tell people you're not feeling well, take Ellie and go home," Josh said , "go home and cuddle with Ellie. Go be mommy."
"I go now I have two and a half days to be mommy," Annie said, "I'll text Sam about reducing my schedule."
"I wish I could go with you," Josh said.
"I wish you were two," Annie replied.
Annie finished feeding Ellie and passed her to Josh, "okay baby bug you're going to go with daddy for a few minutes so mommy can get our stuff then we'll go home and have our day."
Annie pulled her scrub top on and went to leave the room. She looked sadly over her shoulder at her two favorite people. She just wanted to no needed to be home with them. How did Grey do this with three kids on her own and not crack. Grey was amazing but she was a general surgeon, Shepherd also amazing and she only did neuro. They stayed focused. Maybe if Annie could just choose one thing this might be doable, but how to tell mama.
Annie walked into the locker room and threw her scrub top in the hamper grabbing her top from her locker and putting it on. She quickly changed to jeans and threw her scrub pants across the room to the hamper as well.
"Everything okay," Owen asked.
"I'm not feeling great, Ellie is off so we're better at home," Annie said, "I don't have any more surgeries today."
"Are you okay," Owen repeated.
"Trying to do too much," Annie admitted, "I'm going home and spending the rest of the day with my daughter. I need more time with Ellie. I'm not mama, I can't be superwoman."
"Go do what you need to do and we'll see you Sunday," Owen said, "go home and enjoy your birthday Annie."
"Thanks dad," Annie said.
"Give Ellie a hug for me," Owen said.
"I will," Annie said, forcing a smile.
Annie was jealous of Meghan who was still on leave with Catrina. She wanted to be at home with her baby.
Annie walked into her shared office to see Samantha at her desk.
"You changed," Samantha commented.
"Ellie isn't 100%, she's super fussy, we're going home," Annie said.
"I hope she feels better," Samantha said, "see you tomorrow?"
"Yes dinner and games tomorrow," Annie replied.
"Do you like red or white," Samantha asked.
"Either but I don't drink right now," Annie said, "I've tried a couple times but it makes Ellie fussy. No wine, citrus, coffee or milk."
"But you eat yogurt," Samantha said.
"Milk itself seems to upset her tummy," Annie said, "that's just no fun. Cheese and yogurt are fine. I'm essentially vegetarian anyway."
Seeing Annie with her work bag in hand Samantha asked, "can we talk about what auntie Lynda said?"
"Another time," Annie said, "Ellie is off she needs to go home."
Annie walked towards the pit with her bag on her shoulder. She stopped in daycare to get the diaper bag and sign Ellie out for the day.
"She's just precious," Kirsty cooed, "to think the hottest guy in school married with a baby."
"Grace and Ellie are the most important people in my life," Josh said, taking a step back.
Kirsty closed the gap, "I always wondered what it would be like to have your arms around me. Hot and smart you were the only one of us with any hope."
"Ms Smith," Annie said, "I see you met my husband. How do you know each other?"
"High school," Josh replied.
"He was in half my classes," Kirsty said, "the untouchable Josh Riggs."
Annie took Ellie from Josh wordlessly and settled the baby against her shoulder. Ellie relaxed against her mommy and began sucking on her fist.
"I'm off at 6," Josh told Annie, "you take Ellie home then what am I picking up for your birthday?"
"Surprise me," Annie replied, "but I'm going to take this one home before she has a chance to fall asleep on me. I want a story and snuggles today."
"Babe she feels warm," Josh said.
Annie put one hand to Ellie's forehead , "maybe I'll check when I get home. Day care did say she was really fussy."
Teddy saw Annie carry Ellie out of the hospital and dashed to meet them.
"What's going on," Teddy asked.
"She's a bit warm and super fussy we're going home she needs mommy," Annie said.
"You've been crying," Teddy pointed out.
"Not now mama," Annie said, "I have an unhappy baby that I'm the only person who can soothe, there's a lot going on. We need to talk but not now."
"Are you okay," Teddy asked.
"I'll text you when I get home," Annie said, "we'll talk but I'm taking a step back and focusing on my family for a while."
"Annie," Teddy said.
"I will explain later," Annie replied, "right now Ellie needs to get home. I have no more surgeries today. There's no reason I can't do the reading Dr Yang wants me to do at home once Ellie is down for her nap."
"Do what you need to do for you and Ellie. Ellie has to come first," Teddy said, turning on her heel and walking away. She could tell Annie was unhappy but couldn't figure out why. It also bothered her when Annie shut her out and didn't tell her what she was thinking.
"Let's go home," Annie whispered to Ellie.
They drove home and Annie brought Ellie into the house. She checked the baby's temperature and saw it was slightly elevated. She couldn't see anything else wrong so decided not to worry too much. She striped Ellie down to her diaper to see if that would cool Ellie off. She put Ellie's favorite blanket on the floor and laid down beside her singing and talking to Ellie while she played on her tummy. Annie giggled watching Ellie do her baby push ups she was so close to rolling. Annie wasn't quite ready for Ellie to roll. Rolling meant she was in her crib for safety at night and no longer right where Annie could lift her into bed with her to feed and cuddle back to sleep when she woke up.
Josh texted, "how's Ellie?"
Annie, "slight fever 37 degrees so not too bad and clingy. She fed again and is happier in just a diaper if it doesn't come down I'll give her Tylenol. We're good here."
Josh, "not how you wanted to spend your birthday."
Annie, "home with you and Ellie that's all I wanted."
Josh, "are you okay?"
Annie, "a bit overwhelmed. 29 was a lot. Hopefully 30 is calmer."
Josh, "it was a hectic year."
Annie, "it gave us Ellie."
Josh, "it did."
Annie, "I think she's going to roll soon. I'm so not ready for that. I want her in our room longer."
Josh, "I know you prefer her right there. What if we moved the pack and play into our room as a transition?"
Annie, "it could work."
Josh, "have you eaten?"
Annie, "no time. She's super clingy."
Josh, "take her into the kitchen with you. There's some of that frozen yogurt you like in the freezer, the black cherry stuff."
Annie, "I'll just grab a piece of fruit. We're enjoying tummy time."
Josh, "if I bring sushi home will you eat?"
Annie, "I'll try."
Josh, "your usual?"
Annie, "surprise me."
Josh, "wine, cider?"
Annie ,"still not drinking. I honestly don't miss it."
Josh, "it's your birthday."
Annie, "sushi and ice cream I'm good. I'm trying, I want to be better but I don't know how. I keep hearing her words in my head."
Josh, "Leslies?"
Annie, "yes. I know it's lies but I can't turn it off."
Owen found Josh in the attendings lounge.
"Is Annie okay," Owen asked, pouring a cup of coffee.
"She's overwhelmed," Josh admitted, "she took Ellie home. She's better to be home with Ellie. She wants to cut back."
Owen paused, "reduce her surgical schedule. Yang is pushing her way too hard and to do too much. She needs to talk to Yang and Pierce."
"Who am I pushing too hard," Christina asked walking in, "has anyone seen mini Altman?"
"She took Ellie home," Josh said, "Ellie has a fever."
"I need to meet with her," Christina said.
"She'll be back Monday," Josh replied.
"Today," Christina replied.
"She is at home with her sick daughter," Owen stated, "just because you despise the notion of parenthood and ever having children doesn't mean others do."
"Still on that after how many years," Christina hissed.
"It will always hurt that you made that decision without me," Owen snapped, "Josh if you want to go home go. Be with your wife and daughter."
"Do you need me," Josh asked, "we don't have Meghan."
"Kepner is here and three other fellows," Owen said, "I think Annie needs you more than we do."
"Thanks Owen," Josh replied walking to the door, "Ellie is really fussy. I think Ellie just needs the two of us."
Maggie knocked on Teddy's door.
"Dr Pierce," Teddy said, "come in."
"Teddy do you have a minute," Maggie asked.
"Of course," Teddy said, putting her reading glasses in her desk.
Maggie closed the door.
"This is serious," Teddy commented.
"It is," Maggie replied, "I'm just going to say it because I hate secrets and when people don't say what they mean. I'm worried about Grace Altman."
"She's gone home now Ellie is running a fever," Teddy said.
"It's not about that," Maggie replied, "I have no concerns about her putting Ellie first. It's graces health I'm worried about. I was in the locker room with her this morning and noticed that I could see every one of her ribs."
"Thanks for letting me know," Teddy said, "I'm aware of a few things that she comes to me about as her mother."
"I just wanted you to know," Maggie said.
"Thank you," Teddy replied.
Teddy was now concerned but she had been told earlier not to push it. She thought maybe having a few days home with Ellie was what Annie needed.
Teddy saw the email pop up first. It was Annie she quickly skimmed it.
"Grace wants to discuss reducing her work load," Maggie stated.
"Let's hear what she as to say,"Teddy replied, "it's addressed to you and Yang I'm just CCD"
"Christina is demanding a ton of hours and work from her," Maggie replied, "too much for a first year fellow."
"She's been saying she doesn't get enough time with Ellie," Teddy agreed, "Annie doesn't know how to say it when she's had enough she's afraid to look weak."
Josh was walking out of the hospital texting Annie.
Josh, "Owen sent me home early not a lot of traumas and too many surgeons. What do you want to do?"
Annie, "let's drive out to Discovery park and take Ellie for a walk then go to Zaperelies for dinner on the way home."
Josh, "pasta and gelato?"
Annie, "pasta and a glass of rose."
Josh, "other ideas?"
Annie, "try Ellie in her crib at least the first part of the night? You me and a good movie?"
Josh, "how about a bath?"
Annie, "maybe. Let's see what mood Ellie is in."
Josh, "be home in 20.
Annie, "we'll be ready on the drive way. Her fever has come down. Still clingy. The soother seems to be helping these days."
Josh, "see you soon."
Josh walked through the main entrance.
Kirsty called, "Josh let's go get a drink and catch up."
Josh replied, "I'm going home. It's grace's birthday. We have the afternoon off and are going to go for a walk and for dinner."
Kirsty groaned, "some birthday for your wife?"
Josh replied, "it's what she wants. A quiet day is a treat for us."
Kirsty snapped, "what you come in do a couple surgeries and walk out with bags of cash."
Josh answered, "we're still training."
Kirsty asked, "you left Portland ten years ago where did you go?"
Josh responded, "Boston then here. I have to go. We can catch up when my wife can join us."
Kristy asked, "are you two attached at the hip?"
"It's her birthday and we usually do things as a couple," Josh said.