Saturday morning Teddy parked at her favorite park. Owen was a few minutes behind with the younger two. Teddy was going to walk with Annie and Ellie before watching the last half of Leo's soccer game. Leo was loving soccer.
Annie pushed the stroller towards where Teddy was standing.
"What did you do for your birthday," Teddy asked.
"We went for a long walk in Discovery Park and dinner at the Italian place we like," Annie said.
Teddy asked, "how's Ellie?"
"Clingy but her fever wasn't a big deal I think she was just over dressed," Annie replied, "she's not getting enough time with me. I need more time with her."
"I know you do," Teddy said.
"I'm not you," Annie said, "I'm over my head here. I can't do essentially two fellowships, research with Christina, do the books, keep my marriage strong, raise my daughter and be healthy."
Teddy asked, "are you eating?"
"I have too much on my plate," Annie replied, "I need to scale back."
"Annie are you eating," Teddy pressed.
"When I want to," Annie said.
"Annie," Teddy pushed, "Maggie came to me yesterday. She said she could see all of your ribs in the locker room yesterday. You're not eating."
"Mama don't push it," Annie snapped.
"If you're not eating you can't keep Ellie healthy," Teddy said, "you need to eat."
"I'm eating enough to feed Ellie and function," Annie replied.
"I worry about you when you don't eat," Teddy said.
"I know you do," Annie replied, "but I've said it before you pressuring me doesn't help."
"It's not just you now," Teddy said, "you have to think about Ellie. She needs you healthy."
"You don't think I know that," Annie yelled, "everything I do is for her. I know it's a problem. I know I need help. I just have to get through the weekend."
"Why just though the weekend," Teddy asked.
"When I got home yesterday I made an appointment with Dr. Jessica Graff in psych. The eating disorder specialist."
"You did what," Teddy asked.
"I asked for help," Annie said, "the person who knows this best."
"Good for you," Teddy said, "but you can always talk to me about this."
"I can't," Annie said, "you don't get it. You've never dealt with this. Been told if you were smaller, smarter, prettier, worked hard that maybe you would be worth. So no mama I can't talk to you about this. Because you don't get it and when I tell you it hurts you so no I can't tell you."
"What do you want to do," Teddy said, "I'm not going to leave this alone until I see your colouring come back and that you look healthy."
"You are going to leave it alone," Annie hissed, "I will tell you if and when I want your input. Mama I'm 30 you can't run my life. I'm talking to the person I need to, the person who is trained to do this. I'm ready to face it once and for all but I can't have you butting in."
"I hear you," Teddy said, "I just want to fix it all."
"You can't," Annie replied, "it's in my head it's up to me. I will do it and see Dr. Graff. I will follow her program. You are going to stay out of it. It's my business."
"Where is this coming from," Teddy asked, looking shocked.
"I need to be independent," Annie said, "I love you and I love that you're always there. I can't learn to do what I need to do. I keep letting you make decisions for me."
"I know," Teddy said, "I'm trying not to. When you're not eating it worries me."
"I know that," Annie said, "I'm scared too. I know it's wrong and I know the thoughts in my head are lies. I need you to be there and be calm. I can't have you pushing me it makes it worse because I feel like I'm letting you down and I can't do that."
"I'll try," Teddy agreed, "it's hard sometimes for me to see how much you've matured. How can I help?"
"Listen when I'm ready to talk," Annie said, "and let me scale back at work. I need to scale back. I'm doing too much and I'm not happy."
Teddy asked, "what two things make you happy?"
"My family," Annie said, "Josh and Ellie."
"That's one," Teddy said, "what's the other?"
"Just the peds cardio," Annie said, "just surgery, no research right now. No publishing of anything. No extra teaching."
"Talk to your Chief fellow," Teddy said, "give her that list."
"You're not disappointed," Annie asked.
"No," Teddy said, "you're overwhelmed and need time with your daughter."
"I'm not you," Annie said, "I'm trying to navigate my fellowship as a new mom. My daughter needs me more than my patients do."
"I know," Teddy replied, "I struggled with this with Allison."
"You did," Annie asked.
"I did," Teddy replied, "why do you think I didn't research until after I was chief? Annie it's okay to step back. You don't need my permission."
"Even at work," Annie asked.
"You have to tell Christina your backing off on the HLH work," Teddy said, "you can't fully drop it but you can scale back."
"Can you sit in on that meeting as chief," Annie asked.
"Talk to Maggie," Teddy replied.
"Is it okay that I'm scaling back," Annie asked.
"If it will make you happy," Teddy said, "you've chosen a different path than I did. I was 46 before I had to manage work and career. There's no way I could have done my residency or fellowship with a baby, even if I had someone like Josh with me."
"I know it will leave me behind," Annie said, "but Grey did it with her kids. She chose one thing and took her time to get good. She didn't do everything right away. I want to stay focused on the peds cardio. No more, not talking about other things after."
"Why did you want to add others," Teddy said.
"Impress you, impress Leslie," Annie said, "prove I'm good."
"You've spent your whole life trying to impress Leslie," Teddy said, "and years trying to prove you can be me. Annie sweetheart you're not me. You have your own talents and we will do things differently, you have your own skills that are different. We're very different people and different surgeons. Do what makes you happy. Look at Grey. She chose the same specialty as her mother and made a name for herself, Meredith found something to put her on the map."
"She was good then Meghan put her over the top," Annie said, "that's one of the most amazing things I've ever seen."
"That was groundbreaking," Teddy agreed, "do it. Do your peds cardio that you like. Your peds families love you. Your good with the kids."
Ellie began to cry.
"Are we ignoring you," Annie asked, lifting Ellie out of the stroller.
"Hi baby," Teddy said, reaching out to Ellie.
"Mama," Annie offered, "Ellie do you want to see grandma."
Ellie smiled at Teddy.
"Hi sweetheart," Teddy cooed, taking Ellie and holding her close.
"She's almost rolling," Annie said.
"So in her own room," Teddy asked.
"Not ready for that," Annie groaned, "my tiny baby. She's still up once or twice at night. Having her in another room will be harder."
"She'll be fine you'll just have to go get her," Teddy said, "move your rocking chair back into the nursery."
"I like my chair in the living room," Annie said, "we might put the pack and play in our room for now."
"It's a big step. You'll work it out," Teddy said, "there was a night Allison was about 8 months old, you and Josh had a huge fight."
"Over the sub intern," Annie said.
"That was one of my hardest nights as a mom," Teddy admitted, "you cried yourself to sleep. I could hear you crying all night, Ali was teething and up every half hour. Both my girls needed me and I couldn't be with both of you. I wanted to hold both of you while you cried. To grab Allison and sit on the guest bed with you. Hold you like I did when you were younger and let you cry."
"You did that a lot," Annie said.
"We had that week when we held each other and cried when we lost Henry," Teddy said.
"I didn't know how to help you," Annie said, "so I did what you did when I was upset when I got home that night. That was how you comforted me when I was hurt."
"I know," Teddy said, "it's what my mom used to do for me."
"It works with Ellie in the middle of the night," Annie said, "or when she won't nap. To lay down on the couch with her or let her snuggle with us in our bed. Hold her close and stroke her head. I whisper or sing to her in french."
"Another one," Teddy smiled, "now I know for next time she comes over at night. When is that?"
"Josh's birthday maybe," Annie suggested.
"Not sooner," Teddy asked.
"Five weeks," Annie replied, "let her get a little bigger. I'd kind of like to book us into a hotel for his birthday and have one really decadent night. Good food, wine, not at home."
"Do it," Teddy said, "tell me what days you're looking at and I'll make sure I'm off and Ellie can have a sleepover at grandmas."
"I will," Annie said, "we shouldn't be out too much longer. The cardio fellows are coming over tonight."
"I'm having the cardio attendings," Teddy said, "what are you making?"
"Just roast chicken and potatoes, veggies, salad," Annie said, "apple crisp. Easy to prep ahead."
"Pasta night at our house," Teddy said.
"Fun," Annie said, "you know everyone better though. I'm still trying to impress them."
"You and Sam seem to be getting along," Teddy said.
"I'm nervous about her," Annie said, "her cousins grew up next door to me."
"See what happens," Teddy suggested.
"I'll talk to her. I invited her to come a bit early," Annie replied.
"That's a good idea," Teddy agreed, "do you want to watch part of Leo's game?"
"Not today," Annie said, "we have a couple errands and I want her home for nap time. Soon we'll both come and watch."
"Have a good day," Teddy smiled, "enjoy your dinner."
"Have fun with the attendings," Annie replied, "by the way, Josh said Uncle Owen called Christina out on getting frustrated with me for taking time for Ellie. He didn't understand the conversation, something about Christina never wanting to be a mother. She accused Uncle Owen holding it against her and he yelled that he never had a say."
"Years ago. She was pregnant I think you were already in med school," Teddy replied, "she had an abortion and he never could let that go. I thought I told you about that."
"He always wanted to be a dad. He joked about me needing little cousins when I played with Tuck, Zola and Sophia," Annie said.
"He said that," Teddy asked.
"Just teasing," Annie replied, "that thanksgiving when he stayed and helped us clean up after everyone left."
"Where was I," Teddy asked.
"Being mushy in the kitchen," Annie replied, "dad and I were cleaning the living room."
"This dad thing is new," Teddy commented.
"He earned it," Annie replied, "whatever comes out of my mouth works. He's fine with whatever I say in the moment."
"It's up to you," Teddy said.
"Do you mind," Annie asked.
"That's between you and Owen," Teddy replied.
"I'm not sure yet," Annie replied, "let's see what happens."
"Just be open with us," Teddy said.
"I will," Annie said, "enjoy your dinner and Leo's game."
"Have fun with the other fellows tonight," Teddy smiled, "don't stress. It's your house your in control."
"I'm interested to see what Sam says," Annie admitted.
"Be open minded," Teddy reminded.
"I am," Annie replied, "who knows what the neighbours know anyway."
"Can I give Ellie one more hug before you go," Teddy asked.
"Yes," Annie replied and lifted Ellie out of the stroller for Teddy, "can you hold her while I collapse the stroller?"
"I can," Teddy smiled holding Ellie against her shoulder, "she's getting so alert."
"She's very alert," Annie agreed, "she's a happy girl with family."
"She likes the people she knows best," Teddy agreed, "who are her favourites?"
"Me and Josh, you, dad, Allison, Nana," Annie replied.
"Who she sees most often," Teddy smiled.
"Exactly," Annie replied, "I'll take her and put her in the car."
"By Ellie," Teddy said, kissing the baby's cheek, "I love you sweet girl."
Annie took Ellie and gave Teddy a one armed hug.
"See you tomorrow for Sunday dinner," Annie said, "both babies together for the first time."
"That will be cute," Teddy agreed, "I love you sweetheart."
"Love you too mama," Annie replied.