Warning this chapter is incredibly sad, so you may need a box of tissues.

Chapter 19: Emotional Release

Dave sat by his brother's bedside watching him sleep and there was no way that he was going anywhere until he woke up. John's reaction to his baby news had been troubling, his initial reaction was what he was hoping for, but when he suddenly flew off the deep end due to a single comment, it had been rather disconcerting. He hadn't seen that kind of reaction in John since they were teenagers, so obviously, his brother was in a state of emotional turmoil and he really had no idea what he could do to help. He just hoped that John wouldn't do anything stupid while he was in the mood that he was in.

It had been two hours since he'd come into the infirmary and John had confronted him about his hands and in that time, Dr Keller had fixed him up and he'd watched John sleep, so basically, his evening hadn't gone too well.

His right hand was cut and bruised, Jennifer had put several stitches in one of the main cuts and bandaged it up. His left hand was a different matter though. He had cracked three bones in his left hand, and it was now splinted. Hitting the punching bag without boxing gloves probably wasn't the smartest thing he'd ever done, but he'd just been so angry at the time.

He'd actually contacted Teyla and Jane an hour ago and Teyla had offered for her and Torren to go and stay with Jane for the night so that he could stay with John. Jennifer had told Dave to curl up on the other bed in John's room and go to sleep if he needed too, which was something he had no intention of doing since he wanted to be there for John when he awoke.

John's outburst hadn't really been that surprising, considering what he'd been through over the last thirteen weeks, but he also sensed there was something more, perhaps John had never really gotten over the way he and his father had treated him during his teenage years. Although he thought that they'd made great strides in re-establishing the relationship, they'd had as children, there was obviously still a long way to go. Perhaps he and John could go away and spend some time together when he was feeling better.

His thoughts were distracted a few minutes later when a moan came from the bed, looking down he realised that John had opened his eyes.

"Hey little brother, how are you feeling?"

"Like crap, how are you feeling Dave?" John asked and Dave didn't miss the hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"I probably feel better than you look." Dave teased and he instantly regretted it, since he had no idea what John's emotional state was at that moment.

"Yeah well, you don't look so hot yourself brother. What's the damage to your hands anyway?"

"Well, my right hand is just cut and bruised, but my left hand has three cracked bones in it, as well as cuts and bruises."

"What were you thinking Dave?

"Well, I was thinking how much I'd like to be punching your head at one point and then for some reason, I felt like I wanted to be hitting Dad and how much I blamed him for the rift that developed between us as teenagers, then I just felt plain angry for all the crap that has happened to you recently." He looked at his feet beginning to feel totally uncomfortable with the emotional conversation.

Dave looked up and watched his brother closely, wondering what he was going to do or say next.

"Umm….I probably need to…Umm… apologise to you for the way I acted when you told me your wonderful news,…Umm…. but I guess that some of the ways you and Dad treated me in my teenage years came back to haunt me. I thought that I'd put all of that behind me, but obviously, I haven't." John mumbled looking at his feet.

"I understand John and I certainly regret what happened between us, so let's continue to work towards the future. We are both on Atlantis now and have both found someone to love and you have a child, I know he's not yours biologically, but he's definitely your son and now I have a child on the way as well. And I would hope that we can continue to work on our relationship."

"I'm really not sure what I'm going to do now, I'm thinking of resigning and going back to Earth. I have a fair amount of money set aside, so I was thinking I could design aircraft for a living. I have been a soldier for far too long, perhaps it's time to do something different."

"Please don't make that decision in a hurry John, take some time to think about it and remember you have Teyla and Torren to consider as well and don't forget that you have your big brother here, who is still trying desperately to make up for the way he treated you when you were a teenager," Dave smirked, he was trying to lighten to mood, but he had no idea whether it was working or not.

"Do you ever think about what Klull and his buddies might have done to us if we hadn't escaped Dave?" John asked and Dave shuddered at how depressed he sounded.

"All the time and I have even been to talk to Doc Robinson about the nightmares I've been having."

"Well just imagine what you went through with Klull happening to you over and over again year after year and then you might understand why I think it's time to retire, not to mention almost being turned into a bug and fed on by a wraith. You don't really need to know about all the suicide missions I've been on, but let's just say that perhaps it's time to think of myself for once."

"I don't know what to say John, but please don't make any rash decisions and please if you won't talk to Doc Robinson talk to someone. I couldn't imagine my life without you in it now and believe me when I say I regret what happened between us as teenagers." Tears were brimming in his eyes by the time he'd finished.

"I'll think about what you have said, Dave, but right now I am feeling tired, and I would like to go to sleep."

"I'll curl up on the other bed in the room if you'd like and then if you need someone when you awake, I'll be here."

He was about to respond when Dr Keller walked into the room, "how are your hands feeling Dave?"

"They're not too bad at the moment, Doctor," Dave replied in a matter-of-fact tone, his hands were the least of his problems right now.

"And how is your leg feeling Colonel Sheppard?" She asked turning to John.

Dave watched as John turned to face the doctor and he didn't miss the tears brimming in his eyes, "I guess it's alright for now, but what I would really like is to be left alone so that I can go to sleep."

"Alright then, I'll be in my office if you need me," Keller said and left the room.

Once Keller had left the room, he looked at his brother and noticed that his eyes were closed. It was obvious that John wanted to be left alone for now, "I'm going to leave too little brother. I'll see you in the morning."

When John didn't acknowledge him, he turned and left the room wondering what he was going to do right now, perhaps he'd go looking for Ronon and get him to sit with John for a while, as he was worried about him being left alone right now.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

John had no idea how long he lay awake staring at the ceiling after Dave had left and for the second time that day, he felt as if he'd cried too much. What had happened to him over the last thirteen weeks, he'd gone from being an emotionally strong soldier to an emotional wreck. The thing that scared him the most was, what would happen to him if he were totally broken and he couldn't be fixed, what if he could never be the strong soldier that people depended on ever again, what if he couldn't be a strong husband and father? That was why he couldn't stay here; he didn't want to be a shadow of his former self walking through the halls of Atlantis and have to put up with the judgemental stares of his men.

All of a sudden, he heard the sound of someone entering his room, and he knew that whoever it was, they were trying to be quiet. He suspected that it was probably Ronon coming to keep watch over him and for some reason he didn't mind, he would actually prefer Ronon watching over him at the moment, rather than Dave, he was still annoyed with his brother and he had no idea why. One thing he knew for sure though was that he wasn't anywhere near as upset with Ronon as he was with Dave.

"Is that you Chewie," he whispered into the darkness.

"Yeah, Sheppard it's me. Just go to sleep and I'll keep watch."

"Thanks, Buddy."

He'd always felt safe when Ronon had his back whether it was in the infirmary or somewhere off-world. "Will you be here when I wake up because I really need to talk to you?"

"Of course I will Buddy, now go to sleep and I'll make sure that no-one disturbs you."

Knowing that Ronon had his back, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift off to sleep again.

When he awoke again the sun was just beginning to shine through his window, so he suspected that it was still early. Looking around the room he was happy to see that Ronon was still sitting at the end of his bed keeping watch. Although at some point during the night he'd actually fallen asleep. Deciding not to wake him he closed his eyes ready to go back to sleep. The pain in his leg was muted for now, so it was obvious that someone had given him some pain meds at some point during the night.

He was just starting to dose off when someone entered the room, opening his eyes, he was surprised to see it was Carson.

"Carson, what are you doing here?" He whispered, not wanting to wake Ronon.

"I've just started my shift, so I'm here to check on my most frequent patient." Carson teased.

He could have been offended by the comment, but he chose to hold his tongue, remembering what had happened the night before, "he is fine and ready to get out of here," John replied with a crooked grin.

"If you promise to behave, I will release you to Teyla's care after breakfast."

Again, he could have taken that as an insult, but chose not to. "Is there pancakes and coffee for breakfast Doc?"

Carson's blue eyes twinkled at him, "I think we can arrange that son, but first I want to have a look at your leg."

John lay still while Carson cut the bandage off of his leg and when he started to poke and prod it, he gritted his teeth, not wanting Carson to realise that he was causing him pain.

"Everything looks fine." Carson told him when he'd finished, "but you look as if you're in pain. It's time for your pain meds, so I will give them to you now and I'll have one of the nurses bring you some breakfast in an hour."

"Thanks, Doc, I think I'll go back to sleep until then," John said stifling a yawn.

Carson handed him some pills and a glass of water and when the doctor had left the room, he closed his eyes again, knowing that he should get as much sleep as possible while he had the chance, because when he was released from the infirmary, he had some tough decisions to make.

He'd barely got to sleep when a gruff voice woke him up, "Sheppard Buddy, you awake?"

When he opened his eyes he almost jumped out of bed, because Ronon's face was inches from his, "I'm certainly awake now buddy."

"Are you feeling better than you did last night?" Ronon asked with a look of concern.

Great, Ronon wants me to talk about my feelings, was his first thought, everyone knows that I'm not the most eloquent when it comes to discussing my feelings, but then I'm supposed to talk about things to help me get better, so here goes.

He could feel tears brimming in his eyes as he tried to open up to his friend, "not really," he took a deep breath before continuing, "I kind of feel empty inside as if I've lost something and I have no idea how to get it back."

Wow! He thought, that has to be the most articulate, I've ever sounded.

"Don't' forget I was on the run from the wraith for seven years and there were many times when I just felt like giving up and dying, but I knew that if I did all those lives that were lost on Sateda would be in vain."

"But did you ever feel empty inside?" John asked as the tears began to fall.

"Yes, I did, on numerous occasions and many a time I would just curl up and cry until I felt strong enough to go on, but do you want to know when I felt the emptiest."

All John could do was nod, as the tears were flowing freely now.

"When you showed me that Sateda had been destroyed, that was the moment when I thought I had nothing left to live for. At least while I was on the run, there was always hope that someone had survived, or some part of Sateda was still left standing. But after you showed me those pictures, I lost all hope."

He wiped the tears away from his eyes, before whispering to his friend, "how did you go on?"

"It was because of you, Teyla and Elizabeth, you gave me a home here on Atlantis and made me part of your family, so slowly I gained a sense of hope and purpose again and when the wraith tried to make me a runner again, you never gave up on me, so I'm never going to give up on you. You belong here, so you just need to find that sense of purpose and hope again."

"When did you become so comfortable talking about your feelings Chewie," John chuckled trying to hide the discomfort he was feeling.

"Usually I don't talk, I hit something, but since Carson probably wouldn't let you hit anything right now, he suggested that I talk to you and I reluctantly agreed," Ronon told him and now the big man looked uncomfortable.

He looked at his big friend, as the tears began to fall again, "Thanks Chewie, but I'm going to resign and head back to Earth, I really can't do this anymore."

"Don't make any rash decisions, you will get through this, you just need to let your friends help you, I'm here for you as are, Dave, Jane, Carson and Teyla. I'm convinced that McKay would even try and help if it came to that." Ronon said with a smirk.

John couldn't even manage a smile for that joke, the emotion that he was feeling right now was way too intense for him to deal with, so he turned his back on his friend and sobbed, he sobbed for the emptiness that he felt inside of him and most of all he sobbed for the purpose, hope and future that at that moment was lost to him.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dave sat by the window in the mess hall staring at the ocean, he was really worried about John and he didn't know how to help him. Once he'd left the infirmary, he'd sent Ronon, in to talk to him, hoping that the big man could help him, he sensed that Ronon was more of a brother to John than he had been in a long time. Although he felt offended by that, it was also a relief to know that John had had people looking after him for so many years and now he hoped that he could be a brother again for John. He knew that they had come a long way in the last six or seven weeks, but he also knew that they had a long way to go for their relationship to be the way it was when they were children, but then perhaps their relationship should never be that way again, maybe it needed to be new and different, for it to be stronger. John was no longer a small boy that needed protection, he needed someone to have his back in times of need. Dave also knew that he needed to let John have his back as well, which was something that Mr 'control freak' Dave Sheppard found incredibly difficult.

A deep gruff voice interrupted his thoughts, "Can I sit here?"

Looking up from the table he saw Ronon looking down at him and he couldn't quite read his face, he had no idea whether he had managed to get through to John or not.

"Sure, sit down," Dave replied, "how is John?"

"Did you know that he's wanting to resign and go back to earth?"

Dave sighed, "Yeah, he kind of mentioned that, but I don't think he's mentioned it to Teyla as yet."

"Well between us we need to talk him out of it," Ronon suggested.

"And Teyla doesn't need to know about it."

"What do I not need to know about Dave?" Teyla asked walking over to the table and sitting next to him.

Dave looked around the room and he noticed that Jane was no-where in sight, "where are Jane and Torren?"

"Amelia has decided to have breakfast with them in your apartment, and Jane sent me looking for you." She turned to look at Ronon before continuing, "and Amelia is looking for you as well. I also decided to come to the mess hall to enjoy some breakfast before I headed into see John."

Dave felt uncomfortable and hoped that Teyla had forgotten about the question that she had asked, "I'll go and see Jane when I've had breakfast."

"I'll come with you so I can see Amelia," Ronon suggested.

Just when Dave thought the conversation was over, Teyla turned to stare at him, "and what is it you boys do not want me to know about?"

"Ummm…. nothing," Dave mumbled feeling incredibly embarrassed.

"Ronon?" Teyla asked looking fiercely at the Satedan.

"Ummm… Sheppard's talking about going back to earth."

Dave watched as Teyla's countenance changed, he suspected that she was incredibly worried about John and extremely angry with them.

"I must go and see him now, but I will talk to the two of you later."

Dave watched as Teyla left the room and then he turned to Ronon, "way to go Ronon, I thought we weren't going to tell her."

"I'm sorry, but she gave me the look that says, 'if you don't answer me, I'm going to beat you senseless."

"Yeah, she can be pretty scary when she's worried about John," Dave agreed.

They sat there in silence enjoying the rest of their breakfast and Dave had to wonder if Teyla could actually get through to John because he knew if John went back to earth, he would be completely alone. He loved it here and he knew that Jane did and Teyla and Torren were from the Pegasus galaxy, so there was no way that they would want to leave. But then he knew that if John went back to earth, he would have to go with him and if he went Jane would go too. Afterall John was his brother, and he was the only family that he had left.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

John pushed the tray table away just as Teyla rushed into his room. He'd only managed to eat half of his breakfast, as he really wasn't feeling hungry these days. Carson had been giving him a hard time about his weight, as he seemed to be losing it at an alarming rate, but he kept telling Carson, how the hell was he supposed to eat if he wasn't hungry. Now the threats of a feeding tube had started and no way was going to happen, so he tried to be a good little patient and eat as much as he could.

"John what is this that I hear about you going back to Earth," Teyla asked in a serious tone and he knew that he was in trouble.

Great, he thought, Ronon and Dave have been blabbing, oh well I was going to have to talk to her eventually, but perhaps now isn't the time.

"You know what Teyla I don't want to talk about it here, so how about we wait until Carson releases me and I will talk about it when we get home."

He felt the tears brimming in his eyes again, so he turned his back on her.

"I will go and get Dr Beckett, and see if he is ready to release you, but I want to talk about this when we get home. You need to tell me how you are feeling John because if you do not, I cannot help you."

He knew that she was right and for some reason, he couldn't explain everyone seemed to want him to talk about his feelings and right now he was getting a little sick and tired of it.

"Please get Beckett, so that I can go home," he pleaded. If there was one thing, he knew for sure it was that he wanted the privacy of his own home right now. Whether he talked to Teyla or not, was a completely different matter.

He heard Teyla leave the room and that gave him a few moments to wipe the tears from his eyes and compose himself before she returned with the doctor.

It wasn't long before he heard Teyla return to his room, he knew it was Teyla by the smell of her perfume, but he had no idea whether Carson was with her or not until he spoke.

"Okay Laddie, I looked at your leg earlier on, so I think that you can get dressed and head back to your apartment to rest. Teyla will keep an eye on you over the next couple of days to make sure that you stay off your leg."

John just rolled his eyes, Carson was going into mother hen mode again and he really hated it, "really Doc, I think I can follow your instructions by myself."

He felt uncomfortable when Carson's eye bored into him, "and we know how well you usually follow my instructions."

Trying to hold it together, he plastered a fake smile on his face as he answered, "can I go now?"

"Teyla will help you get dressed and then you can go," Carson answered flippantly.

Now was the time to try and take some control over his own life, because right now everyone seemed to want to treat him like a baby, "I'm quite capable of getting dressed by myself!"

"You're welcome to try Colonel," Carson said before he left the room, and he could sense the doctor's impatience.

"I will leave you alone to get dressed John and do not forget that when we get home I would like to talk."

"Of course, you would," he muttered to himself.

"What was that John?"

"Nothing Sweetie."

Fifteen minutes later he was dressed and sitting in the wheelchair, Teyla had hidden his walking cast so that he couldn't get up and walk around without asking her permission, just another example of how everyone was treating him like a baby.

As Teyla pushed him through the halls of Atlantis, he kept his head hung low, as there was no way he wanted to see the looks of pity on his soldiers' faces. He could just imagine what they were saying amongst themselves, 'poor broken Colonel, I hope they send him back to earth', was one thought that came to his mind.

John was so lost in thought and worry that he didn't even realise it when Teyla pushed him through the door to their apartment and started to talk to him.

"Do you need me to help you in to your recliner chair? If not, I will make some tea and then I want you to tell me exactly what is going on."

"I think I can manage to get into a chair by myself, I'm not a baby even though everyone seems to want to treat me that way!" He shot back angrily.

"We do not think you are a baby John; we are just worried about you." Teyla stated, before heading to the kitchen to make some tea.

Five minutes later when he had finally managed to settle in his chair, Teyla handed him a cup of tea. She then sat down on the couch and stared at him before speaking. "Alright, John what is this I hear about you wanting to go back to Earth?"

Taking a deep breath he proceeded to tell her what he was feeling and why he had come to the decision to head back to Earth.

"I really can't do this anymore Teyla, in the last thirteen weeks, I have been tortured, by a group of wraith worshippers who took over my best friends' bodies, I have been, beat up tortured and turned into a child. Before that, I was turned into a bug and fed on by a wraith more than once and even though I seemed to get over those things rather quickly, they seem to have taken a toll long term."

The tears were flowing freely again by the time he had finished, and he looked over to Teyla hoping for some words of comfort and wisdom.

"I do not know what to say John, but life in the Pegasus galaxy is hard, I saw my father culled by the wraith and I have lost so many friends over the years, but that is what keeps me fighting and if I give up then their deaths would have been in vain."

John sighed, as the tears continued to flow, he'd actually heard it more than once recently, "Yeah, Ronon said something similar, but right now I feel empty, and I don't want to go on."

A look of anger crossed her face, "some of us do not have that choice, John. I have felt like giving up so many times in my life, but I knew that I could not, because the wraith are rampaging across my galaxy and constantly culling people. I may not know all of them, but one day it might be my son if I cannot stop them."

That certainly grabbed his attention, the thought of Torren being culled, terrified him, "but you and Torren do have a choice, you can come back to earth with me," he whispered.

"No John, I will not make that choice, not while the wraith are still out there. I would have hoped that we meant enough to you, for you to stay and help us defeat the Wraith, but I guess I'm wrong!"

It was obvious that Teyla was hurt and angry by his weakness because at that moment she stormed out of the room and he didn't miss the tears in her eyes. All he could do at that moment was sit and sob uncontrollably feeling totally isolated and alone. He loved Teyla and Torren, but he still wasn't sure that he could continue to be a soldier, but then was there really any other life for him? Would he be happy doing anything else with his life? He certainly knew that he wouldn't be happy without Teyla and Torren, so he did the only thing he could do, he stood to his feet and hobbled down the hall to his room and lay next to his fiancée and held her close while they both sobbed.

It seemed like hours before Teyla spoke, "I love you John and I do not want you to leave, but if you feel that you must go back to Earth, I will not stand in your way."

He choked back a sob as he replied to his beautiful fiancée, "I am not going anywhere. It may take some time for me to get over this, but I love you and Torren, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

A smile lit up her face, which brought love and warmth to his heart, "well in that case let us talk about our bonding ceremony."

He snuggled closer to her, "And what did you have in mind.

"I was thinking two weeks from now at sunset on New Athos. Halling has promised to set up the unity tent for us to spend the night in." Teyla suggested with excitement.

"That sounds like a wonderful idea, do I have to say anything special?"

"You just have to learn the bonding pledge, but I will help you with that."

"Well, that suits me, Sweetie, the sooner I am bonded to you the better and thank you for talking some sense into me."

"I know it will not be easy Honey, but do not forget that if you want to talk, I am always here for you."

"Thanks, Teyla," he whispered holding her closer. "What shall we do now?"

"Amelia is looking after Torren until dinner time, so I suggest we get some rest."

"You'll get no argument from me," he told her wiping a few stray tears from his eyes.

Closing his eyes, he thought about how easy it would have been for him to make a stupid decision in the state that he was in, but then he knew that his friends would never let that happen. Remembering that his friends and family were there for him was all part of the process of him becoming whole again.

TBC…

There is a lot of emotional angst for John in the last few Chapters. I have included this in his recovery because I feel that even though John is a strong man everyone has a breaking point and with all that has happened to him over the last three months, he would struggle to come to terms with it. But there are lots of fun times ahead for John and the gang in the next few chapters.