Chapter 24: Closure.
John was back at the SGC sitting in Landry's office. He was waiting to undertake his final evaluations before resuming command of Atlantis. Of course, if he failed, he would still go back to Atlantis, but someone else would be in command. If that happened, he had no idea what the future would hold for him, would he be given another chance to undertake the evaluations, or would he be asked to leave the air-force and if that happened would he be forced to leave Atlantis? He shook himself to try and get those thoughts out of his head.
Looking around the room he noticed that everything was in exactly the same position as it had been the last time he was there. He wondered if Landry ever read any of the books on his shelf since there appeared to be a thick layer of dust covering them.
The last two days had been relaxing for him and Teyla, and now he was ready to get on with the rest of his life. He smiled when he remembered trying to teach Teyla to surf, she seemed to be enjoying herself, but she never really got the hang of it. She'd spent a lot of her time watching him. Most of their Honeymoon was spent on the beach or in the water, that's when they weren't eating or sleeping, or doing other things in the bedroom.
Sighing he looked at the door, wondering how long he was going to be kept waiting this time. He really needed to get this over with as he had plans to go and visit his father's grave before he headed back to Atlantis.
He didn't have to wait long because Landry walked into the office a few minutes later.
"Colonel Sheppard, how are you feeling?"
John stood up and stood to attention, he suspected that Landry didn't think much of him and he was worried that the General was still itching to find a way to get rid of him. "I'm fine thank, you sir."
"At ease Colonel and please sit down."
"Yes sir, thank you, sir."
"Right, before we get started on the endurance and physical portion of your evaluation, I would like to discuss the psychological portion with you," Landry said and John couldn't tell whether he was in a good mood or a bad one.
Great, he thought, Robinson has already told him that I'm not fit for command, so there's no point in re-evaluating him.
By the time he'd fished his contemplation, Landry was speaking again and he really hoped that he hadn't missed anything important.
"Dr Robinson and Dr Bryant, feel that you will have no long-lasting psychological effects from the trauma you have suffered in the last four months. Both doctors feel that you can return to your role as Military commander on Atlantis."
He breathed a sigh of relief as that was the evaluation that he feared the most. He had resigned himself to the fact that Bryant was going to fail him after he had seen him on Earth a week ago since he hadn't really been forthcoming about his feelings at that time.
Landry stood up and shook his hand, "Congratulations Colonel, on passing the psych evaluation, but now you need to do as well in the physical and endurance evaluations. I believe that Dr Beckett is waiting for you in the infirmary, so you're dismissed."
John stood up with a huge smile on his face, "Thank you, sir." John was about to leave when he remembered something, "wait did you say Carson was in the infirmary, I thought that Dr Lam was going to conduct the exam?"
"Stargate command feels that you would be more comfortable with Dr Beckett and since you will be in command of Atlantis, we feel that he should be the one making the decision. Now if you don't mind Colonel, I have work, to do." Landry said and it was clear to John that the General was running out of patience.
He took one last look at the general and left the office heading for the infirmary. His only concern with the physical evaluation was his shoulder. He had worked hard on his physical therapy exercises over the last couple of weeks, but he was worried that he hadn't done enough and although his left leg still cramped up from time to time, it wasn't really anything to worry about.
A few minutes later John walked into the infirmary and found Carson waiting for him with a gown, "really doc, a gown?" He complained.
"Yes Colonel, a gown. I need to be able to check out your legs to make sure they have a full range of motion and believe me it will make it easier to check out your shoulder as well."
Rather than complain further, he took the gown off of Carson and went behind the privacy screen to change. When he had finished, he lay on the exam bed and waited for the poking and prodding to begin.
For the next thirty minutes, Carson prodded and poked him, starting with his hands. The scars were fading from where Klow had driven the stakes through them and he had full use of them, in fact, he'd had a full range of motion in them for weeks now.
Next Carson moved on to his legs, the scars on his left leg were still quite visible, but he had regained use of his leg weeks ago and there hadn't been too many problems. His once weak right leg seemed to have a full range of motion as well.
Finally, Carson checked his shoulder out and much to his relief there was no pain as Carson manipulated the joint.
Once to poking and prodding had finished, Carson took a scan of his entire body and after a lot of tutting, Carson permitted him to sit up.
John took a deep breath, feeling totally relieved that it was over, "how's it looking doc?"
"Everything's looking fine; I'll just write up my report and send it over to General Landry. In the meantime, why don't you get changed and report to the gym?"
Two down one to go, he thought as he headed down the hall to the gym.
For the last few weeks, he had been increasing the distance he ran every day and he had spent a lot of time in the gym. Although they had been on Earth for the last week, he had worked out with Ronon and Teyla almost every day, and over the last few days, he had spent a lot of time in the ocean swimming and surfing. So, he was fairly sure that he could manage whatever they threw at him.
"Colonel, can you please get on the treadmill and start running?" He was asked when he walked into the room.
He stepped on the treadmill and set it going, "how fast would you like me to go?"
"Start at a slow run and build up to a sprint please?"
That's not going to be a problem, he thought as he followed the instructions that had been given to him.
He'd been on the treadmill for about half an hour when he felt a twinge in his left leg, he really hoped that it wasn't about to cramp up. That was one thing that he hadn't bothered to tell Carson as he didn't really think it was a problem and he knew that after massaging the calf muscle it would be fine and right now, he certainly hoped that it would hold out.
"I think we have enough data now Colonel Sheppard, you may stop and change your clothes?"
John pressed the controls to slow the machine just as his leg gave out; he grabbed the handle in front of him to steady himself and then looked at the doctor with concern just as he grabbed his arm to stop him from falling.
Great now I've stuffed it. His heart, beat swiftly in his chest until the doctor patted his arm and apologised.
"I'm sorry Colonel. I should have told you that the treadmill shuts off pretty quick. You haven't injured yourself, have you?"
Of course, he hadn't injured himself and at the first opportunity, he was going to give his calf muscle a massage.
"No, I'm fine. What's next?" He asked hoping, that this had been it.
"You can go and get dressed now Colonel and then I'll send my report to General Landry."
He slowly walked out of the gym hoping that no-one noticed that he was limping slightly. He really needed a long hot shower, and while he was in there, he would massage his leg.
Ten minutes later after a hot shower, he was sitting in the locker room with his t-shirt and boxer shorts on and he was relieved that he was the only one there so that he could massage his left leg. Slowly the cramping seemed to disappear, but he kept massaging his leg anyway.
A loud voice filled the room and shocked him out of his thoughts, "What's wrong with your leg, Sheppard?"
"There's nothing wrong with it, Ronon, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone otherwise."
"Are you still getting cramps in it?" Ronon asked much to his annoyance.
He sighed, knowing that Ronon wouldn't believe him, even if he said no, "yeah especially when I run long distances."
"Don't worry, Sheppard, it will get better eventually."
"Thanks, Chewie. Is there some reason your here?"
"Landry wants to see you when you're ready. Apparently, he has all of your reports in, and he's ready to give you the verdict."
"Did you see him, did he look in a good mood or a bad mood. But if he was in a good mood it could be because he's happy to finally have a chance to get rid of me, or maybe if he's in a bad mood, it's because I'll be going back to Atlantis and he can't get rid of me." John rambled.
Ronon shrugged his shoulders and looked at him with disbelief, "I have no idea what you're talking about Sheppard."
He nodded and smiled, " Never mind, I guess I'll be there in a minute, then."
"Good luck buddy,"
He nodded at his friend and watched him walk out. Now all he had to do was get dressed and face Landry and all he could do was hope that he had done enough.
Five minutes later he walked into Landry's office and stood in front of his desk at attention. He had opted to wear his Atlantis BDU's hoping that it would make a good impression. Landry didn't look up and he seemed totally engrossed in what he was doing, so John just stood there quietly hoping that it would all be over soon.
Finally, Landry looked up, picked up a pile of papers from his desk and began looking them over. John remained still, not daring to make a sound.
"These all look good," Landry said looking up from the papers. Once Landry had spoken, he put his head down again.
John just stood there wondering whether he had been reinstated as commander of Atlantis or not, Landry had given him no indication from his last comment.
After a few minutes, the General looked up from his paperwork and spoke to him, his tone was one of annoyance, "do I have to spell it out for you Colonel?"
"I'm not sure what you mean, sir."
"You have passed your evaluations and I don't have any problem with reinstating you as military commander of Atlantis. Congratulations Colonel." Landry looked at his paperwork again and John wondered if it was okay for him to leave the office. Finally, Landry looked up, "why don't you go and relax over lunch before you head back to Atlantis this afternoon?"
John nodded at him and left the room; he had arranged to meet Teyla and Torren in the mess for lunch and then he was going to visit his father's grave before heading back to Atlantis. He had arranged for Sam to pick him up with the Hammond and use the transporter to transport him to his destination.
Walking into the mess hall, he almost laughed when he saw the amount of food that Torren had on his clothing. The boy was certainly growing up fast, but one thing Torren still had trouble with was getting food into his mouth and he had to wonder whether Torren was getting enough food given the amount of food on his clothing.
He had a spring in his step as he walked over to the table where Torren and Teyla were. The cramp in his left leg was long forgotten as he sat down and smiled at his wife and son.
"John, how did it go?" Teyla asked with a smile, which lit up her face.
He put a glum look on his face as he answered, "I was doing fine until my leg started to cramp up."
His heart almost broke when he saw the expression on her face had changed, "Oh John I am so sorry, I had no idea that your leg was still giving you problems."
"But no-one noticed so I have been reinstated as the military commander, effective as soon as I set foot on Atlantis again."
"That is wonderful news, John. Although I have enjoyed my time on Earth, I am looking forward to going home and getting back to work."
"I couldn't agree with you more Teyla, but I still need to visit my father's grave before we head home and I'm hoping that you are still willing to go with me?"
"I promised you that I would come, and I believe that it would be beneficial if Torren came along too, he is your son, and I would like him to know about his grandparents on both sides of the family."
"Thanks, Teyla, "he said before beginning to eat his chicken casserole. It certainly wasn't his favourite meal, but he was in such a good mood that he could have been eating dirt and it would have tasted delicious.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
John let out a sigh as the transporter beam dissipated and he found himself in a lush green forest with Torren and Teyla standing beside him. The wooded area was next to the cemetery where his father and mother had been laid to rest and although he had visited his mother's grave many times, he had not taken the opportunity to visit his father's. But it was something he knew that he had to do if he was ever going to get on with his life.
The last seventeen weeks had been incredibly traumatic for him and he had spent a great deal of that time on Earth, which had brought to light thoughts and feelings that he thought that he'd put to rest many years ago. Although his relationship with his brother had been restored and was better than ever, he still had misgivings about his father. There was also plenty of regrets as he'd never had the opportunity to patch things up with him before he'd died.
He felt Teyla's hand in his, so he turned and looked at her and the look on her face was one of worry, "are you ready to do this John?"
He was about to nod when Torren tugged on his other arm, "why we here Daddy?"
"I think it's time I told you about my parents Torren and if you could just stay with Momma and be quiet for a while, I will tell you about them."
Torren nodded and held tight to Teyla's hand and John was relieved, the last thing he needed today was his son asking questions. This was going to be hard enough as it was.
Dave had offered to come with him as well, but he knew that this was something that he had to do on his own, despite the fact that Dave had been a big support to him in recent months. He smiled when he remembered the conversation, they'd had the night before his wedding. Dave had promised that he would always be there for him no matter what happened in the future. John had then asked him if he could slap him around a bit if he turned into a judgemental jerk again. Dave had smiled at the comment and they had both burst out laughing. They then had spent the rest of the evening drinking beer, discussing childhood memories, and laughing.
It wasn't long before they arrived at his Mother's and Father's gravestones and he felt a sudden feeling of anguish come over him. Although his mother had died many years ago now, he still felt an incredible sadness when he remembered that she had been missing from his life since he was fourteen years old.
He turned to look at her headstone first, "mom I'm sorry that I haven't been to visit you for a while, but I have been severely injured and unable to do much for the last four months and before that, I was out of the States for an extended period of time. But I brought you some flowers to let you know how much I still love you."
As he took the flowers off of Teyla and laid them on her grave, he felt tears brimming in his eyes as he still missed her every day.
Closing his eyes for a few seconds, he took a deep breath before turning to his father's headstone, "dad I honestly don't know what to say to you, since the last time we spoke you threw me out of my childhood home and disowned me. I have spent a lot of time there lately and I'm happy to say that Dave and I have put the past behind us and become brothers again. In fact, I feel that we are closer now than we were as children." He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand before continuing as the tears were flowing freely now, "I have come here today to tell you that I forgive you for the past and I regret the fact that we never had a chance to put our differences aside before you died, but I am not to only one who could have tried to make contact. Anyway, I didn't come here today to scream and shout at you, I came to say that I wish things could have been different between us and that I love you Dad."
Turning away from the grave, he suddenly felt the urge to sit down on the grass and sob. The arguments with his father were a big part of his past and he was here to try and gain some closure so that he could move on with his life in a positive and guilt-free manner.
He felt comforted when Teyla sat down beside him and Torren sat on his legs, this was his family now, along with Dave and Jane and his future Nephew or Niece and this gave him a great sense of hope that the years ahead would be filled with love and understanding.
Standing up again he took Teyla and Torren's hands, turned around and spoke to his parents' graves, "Mom, Dad I'd like you to meet my wife Teyla and my son Torren. I think that you would have loved them. Teyla is the kindest and most gentle person you could ever hope to meet, but she is also one of the strongest people I have ever known, and she reminds me of you Mom. Torren is a curious boy and always getting into mischief, much like I did when I was a boy, but he is also like his mother, kind and loving. I love them with all of my heart, and I wish that you'd had the chance to meet them. The last thing I need you to know is that I'm extremely happy doing what I'm doing. I don't know whether Dave has told you or not, but he is now living and working on the base where I am stationed. I know that it's not what you had planned for us Dad, but we are both incredibly happy. Don't worry the business is still primarily owned by the Sheppard family and it is still doing incredibly well under the leadership of Eddie Bean. Anyway, that's all I want to say, so goodbye for now Mum and Dad.
He turned to leave, but Teyla didn't move, turning back towards the graves, he saw her staring at the headstones, and when she began to speak it was so overwhelming that he openly wept.
"Mr and Mrs Sheppard, I do not know whether you can hear me or not, but your son is one of the most honourable men I have ever met. He is a wonderful husband and father and he is a protector to all. He is the Military leader of the base where he is stationed and he has the respect of civilians and soldiers alike. He has always led with integrity and has very quickly gained the trust and confidence of anyone who has ever worked with him. I truly wish that you had had a chance to get to know the man that I know and love. I think that you would have been extremely proud of him. I know that Dave is, as am I."
She sat down next to him on the grass and Torren came and sat on his legs again and for a while, they just sat and stared at his parent's graves.
"Daddy, who you talking to?" Torren asked breaking the silence.
John sighed, how the hell was he supposed to tell Torren where his parents were and that was who he was talking to. Luckily for him, Teyla answered for him.
"Daddy is talking to his Mom and Dad, but they are not here, they are living with the ancestors."
Torren nodded and he hoped that would be the end of the questioning. John knew that Halling had taught Torren about the Athosians reverence for the ancients and their belief that the ancestors were there to protect and look after them all. He knew different as did Teyla, but both Teyla and he had agreed that Torren should grow up knowing about different religions and beliefs, and when he was old enough he could make his own decision.
"Why you talk to stone? Torren asked pointing to the headstones.
"Those stones are there so that I can remember my Mom and Dad." He said not really knowing how to explain to Torren that his parents' physical remains were buried there.
"Unca Dave too?"
"Yes, Uncle Dave can come here to remember our Mom and Dad too."
He held his breath hoping that would be the end of the conversation and when Torren nodded, he let out a sigh of relief.
Teyla sat next to him for a few minutes longer and then she stood up to leave, "are you ready to go now, John?"
"Just give me a few minutes."
Once he knew that Teyla and Torren had gone, he took one last look at his parents' final resting place. If there was one thing he knew for sure, it was that his father had really loved her and when she had died, his father was never the same. Whether her death had led to his Father's disapproval of him he would never know. He had always wondered whether he had reminded Patrick Sheppard of his wife because everyone had always told John that he looked like his mother.
Those were things that he would never know the answers to, but right now he finally felt some closure to his turbulent teenage years and all the arguments and fights he'd had with his father. He was a grown man, with a family of his own and there was no way he was going to let the past affect his future.
He turned around and headed back to the beam out site taking one last look behind him. Today he had said his goodbyes to his father and he had tried to make amends. And right not he felt better for it. He knew that he could never erase what had happened between him and his father, but he had forgiven him and now it was well and truly time to move on.
In the same way, he couldn't erase what had happened to him over the last four months, but he knew now that he had the strength to put it behind him and carry on. He also knew that he would probably never become fully whole in this lifetime. He wasn't sure whether he believed in an afterlife or not, but if he did, perhaps that was when he would become truly whole.
Taking a look at his hands he saw the faded scars from the spikes that Klow had driven through his hands and they were just reminders of a terrible period in his life as all the other scars on his body reminded him of challenging times. He knew that there would always be emotional scars as well, but he knew now that with his family and friends that in time they would fade as well.
Arriving at the beam out site he took Teyla and Torrens' hands and when the transporter beam enveloped him a few minutes later, he knew that he was as close to whole as he was going to be for the moment, and with his friends and family around him, he would continue to move forward into a positive and bright future.
Fin…
This is the conclusion to a journey that I began in December 2019 with the story 'Intensity'. It was followed by 'restoration' in the middle of last year and finally towards the end of last year, I started this story.
I want to thank everyone who has stuck with this story arc until the end and for those of you who have reviewed and commented I am truly grateful for your support.
I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it.