A/N: **Trigger warning** Heavy mentions of suicidal themes and eating disorder in this chapter.
There was a shroud of shadow lying over the young boy's eyes—making the light in them dull and corroding the hope in his soul. He felt nothing he was nothing.
He had no one.
What point in there was living if he had nothing and no one?
Truly, what did he have?
Good grades?
Pfft, like anyone even congratulated him on those accomplishments. He might as well be blind and crippled—although he suspects that even then he wouldn't receive the adequate amount of love and attention he so desperately needs.
Loki shifted his shoulder from the harsh angle of his pillow and bed, settling into a better position that didn't make him want to cut off his arms and stick them over the nape of his neck.
He sighed lowly, his breath pillowing out of his lungs like smoke. If the room could reflect the coldness he felt in his body and soul, he would have been able to see the air puffing out of him like it does in the winter.
He nudged himself deeper into his mattress, wishing the gray October month would swallow him up and never dare to spit him out again.
By the Norn's, was he depressing.
No wonder why he had no friends.
He was so disgusting and pathetic.
Why was he still bothering to breathe?
Loki's vision crinkled at the edges, blurring slightly as tears formed in his eyes.
But I want to live, don't I? He thought quietly to himself, whispering in his own mind as though fearful someone from the outside world—there is no outside world, only this—would still be able to hear him.
No. Came the shadows response.
Loki sucked in a shuddering breath, whimpering softly.
Who else is in here? Came his next thought, only to be met with a heavy silence.
Am I alone? He questioned meekly.
Of course you are. No one cares about you anyway.
That-That's not true…
How would you know? It's not like you've ever gotten Father's approval. And Mother's? Please, it's just an act. You know she could feign cares for even a small fly. That's all you are to her—a useless, pathetic, piece of shit fly.
You're just a burden. Nothing more than a scrap of gum stuck to your family's shoes.
You're worthless. Pathetic, imperfect, worthless Loki. So you've got grades—what does that matter if no one in the world loves you?
Loki flinched, raising his cement heavy arms from his sides to curl his fists in his eyes—attempting to slow the tears that were drowning out his voice.
He moaned, "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"
But still the shadows were unrelenting.
Still the stress of the three exams he had approaching and the lack of sleep and the lack of proper nutrition—he'd been skipping every breakfast for the last two weeks, eating the bare minimum at lunch, and having the most at dinner which always made him feel more disgusting and worthless—kept pounding and pounding into him. The shadows' words echoed over and over in his mind.
He was desperate! There had to be a way out!
There is! There is! There is!
"No, no, no…"
His mind began to taunt him, pouring images into his eyes, flashing scenes of his death and destruction before he had a chance to utter any useless protests.
"Stop. Please, stop," he whimpered, begging his brain to cease its unrelenting functioning.
Will you do it? Will you do it? Do as I say?
He gasped, openly crying, the tears running down his flesh—escaping.
"No…"
Then I'll wait until you're ready. You'll do it soon enough… You'll do it…Soon enough.
Loki pushed will all his might to lift himself from the shards of his bed.
I want to live. I want to live. He repeated in his mind, passing a sparse glance at his reflection in the mirror and instantly wishing he hadn't.
So disgusting. The shadows growled. Look at that fat—ugh, so pitiful. You don't even deserve to eat—you're so imperfect. Flawed. A mistake.
Loki trembled, nauseated by the persistence and the cruelty of these shadows, his vision clouding over as though the sun no longer existed in his universe.
I have no place in this universe, he thought begrudgingly, finding his strength waning once more. He tried standing a little taller then, but the crushing weight of the Saturday morning was too heavy to bear.
His shoulders slumped, his green backpack lying on its side where he had deposited it the night before.
So much work to do…
His vision sparkled then, his eyes for a moment brightening. He wouldn't be conflicted with the shadows when he had piles of academia to get through. He breathed for what felt like the first time that year. In schoolwork he was safe. No thought or feeling could interrupt him then. Not even Thor's attempts to bother him.
Loki pulled out his textbooks and notebooks, dragging them to his desk, as the grumble of a thunderous roar echoed from his empty, disgruntled stomach.
Loki blushed in embarrassment even though he was the only one to hear it.
I better get something to eat.
As he rearranged his books, he missed the shifting of his vision, where the veil came over him again and in his mind the shadows whispered,
Oh, no…. No, Loki….
A/N: Congratulations! You survived this chapter.
Wow, I forgot how dark and deep and soul crushing this chapter went to. I wrote it as a vent piece last week, as I struggle with OCD on self-harm and suicide obsessions myself (doesn't equate to me being suicidal but secondary depression has evoked such natures) So, reading this back was … an exposure for sure. If you'd like to know more about my mental health issues feel free to message me (I'm very open about it!)
So we're starting to get into the deeper, darker stuff. The shadows here are the depression and eating disorder voice in Loki's mind. I'm excited for where this story's journey is taking us! If you were triggered by the content of this chapter, I'd suggest backing out now. It's only going to get worse from here for a while, before Loki finds the light again. (And also, if you are struggling, please get professional help, seek out friends or family that you trust and can confide in, call a hotline, cope positively. You will make it through any crisis you are struggling with. I believe in you and I care about you. If you ever need to talk, just send me a message, and I'll get to it as soon as I can!)
I'm thinking that the other Avengers may begin to get involved and introduced around the 20's chapter-wise. This is a story taking shape into a larger project, so thank you for all of you who are interested and are coming on this journey with us! Thank you so much for reading! Stay safe and be kind to yourselves =] hugs