Hereafter
CHAPTER 8
March Madness Prompt #15
"Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb."
The search for Duo and the alleged terrorist took Heero around to the far side of the collapsed building, where the front doors had once faced the city streets. The more he saw of the destruction, the more anger gnawed at his heart, threatening to consume him.
Wufei walked beside him, observing the carnage in contemplative silence. They passed a crew directing a forklift to shift a steel beam that had crushed—and seemed to have killed—three people. Other than the Preventers, Heero had seen few survivors so far. Those he had seen made his insides contract. A man covered in soot and ash had been pulled screaming from a pile of charred concrete. The man was missing an eye and half of his face was a scalded mess. Heero had also seen a woman's leg being sawed off just below the knee so her body could be pulled free from debris. He wasn't sure if the woman had been dead or alive.
Heero had gone from wishing to find Relena safe and unharmed to wishing he would find her at all. In the space of an hour, his life had been irrevocably altered. He could not think about anything accept finding her, not even what her death might mean for the fragile union between Earth and the Colonies. And yet, he could not bring himself to join the work crews plucking through the wreckage to recover bodies. He did not want to find Relena's body, though he could not seem to stop picturing it in his mind.
"Did I ever tell you that I was married?" Wufei said.
Heero missed a step.
"It was an arranged thing," Wufei said. "A traditional obligation, mostly ceremony. She died right before the war."
Heero had absolutely no idea what to say. He could not even absorb this information.
"I was just a smartass kid, but I thought I had life all figured out," Wufei continued. Then he muttered: "I'm still just a kid."
Heero was seventeen but he could not remember ever feeling like a kid. As far back as he could remember, he knew how to use a gun. Until he met Relena, his whole life had been about careful calculations designed for retaliation and destruction. He had never allowed himself to want anything, never allowed himself to believe he was worth having anything. A girl liking him? A nosy, aristocratic girl with money and political connections? That hadn't been in his calculations at all. Meeting her had blown apart his whole existence. For most of the war, he had been convinced that if he just killed Relena, he could put it all back the way it had been. He chose not to because of her political successes. But eventually, he came to realize a deeper truth: Underneath his training, he too was just a kid. He was an adolescent human male, and he did not want to kill the pretty girl that liked him.
Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb.
"I spent a lot of the war feeling angry," Wufei continued. "It was a relentless, unmitigated rage. I thought everyone was either weak or evil and I alone could bring justice." He paused, not looking at Heero. His eyes were gazing far away. "It took me a long time to understand that I had been deeply hurt by what happened to my clan and the girl who was supposed to be my wife. I needed to be justice incarnate because I didn't know what else to do with myself."
"You don't seem so angry now," Heero observed.
"You snapped me out of it," Wufei said. Heero felt a chill pierce right through him. "You and your talk about killing that girl and her dog. To this day I don't even know what you were talking about, but I understood what you were saying. You reminded me that we've all lost something. We have all made mistakes and been betrayed and hate that we have to exist like this, wounded and bereft and forced to find meaning where we can. But we can choose."
A wind stirred and Wufei closed his eyes. Heero felt the cool air on his cheeks, but his eyes felt too hot to close.
"I want to have a peaceful heart," Wufei said finally, opening his eyes again. "But I know I cannot have peace unless I spend every day fighting for it. That's why I wanted you to join the Preventers."
Heero was wearing the jacket now. He plucked uncertainly at the logo on the sleeve.
"I also wanted you to understand that I get the anger you are feeling," he said. "Because I lived in a bubble of rage for nearly two years. I hope you won't have to suffer as I did. We all hope Relena is alive. We are all terrified she is dead. It's political for me but personal for you. I get that. But you should know that I respect her—Relena Peacecraft. I didn't always, but I count myself in her camp now. I want her to survive."
Heero wanted to express gratitude, but he did not know how. The words would not come.
"If she is alive," Wufei added. "My only advice to you, as a married man—" He smiled wryly. "—is to tell her how you feel about her, clearly and often. Women have strong heads but soft hearts. They need reminders."
Heero said nothing. He wanted to tell Relena a lot of things… if she was alive. Mostly, he just wanted to hold her.
Wufei pointed. "I think that's our man," he said. Then he took a deep breath. "This might be hard. If Hilde's right, this terrorist is about our age, doing the same sorts of things we did. Try to remember that."