Distorted & Disordered

Chapter 13

*Trigger Warning*: Self-harm, eating disorder details & suicidal themes are present in this chapter.

Loki couldn't help but smile when he heard Thor's limp step coming into rhythm with him. They walked side by side, Thor slightly behind him for a few moments before Thor, blue eyes sparkling, smiled and lurched forwards.

"So, do you want to know what I was really doing up in that tree?" Mischief twinkled in his eyes, something that rarely ever occurred.

Loki raised a brow in question. "Come on, Thor, we both know you're going to crack like a thrown egg and tell me anyways."

Thor laughed; arms pin wheeling backwards as he almost lost his footing. Sheepishly, his cheeks reddened in embarrassment as the smile soon returned to his face.

He made a motion of zipping up his lips but then unzipped them again as his cry slapped the air.

"I was there because I was going to give you the 401 that IIII…now have….a girlfriend!"

Thor's widened grin made him look like an open-mouthed puppy.

Loki couldn't help but laugh at the comparison. He shook his head and adjusted his backpack straps.

"Who this time?" Loki asked, playfully.

Thor's smile flickered as he gave his brother a disapproving glare.

"You know I've only had two."

"Is that all? I could have sworn it was more." Loki feigned shock, tossing his hand to his forehead.

Thor, responsibly, shoved him.

"Quit it," he mumbled beneath his breath.

Loki smiled genuinely. "You still haven't answered the question." Loki said knowingly. "Who this time?"

Thor's playful personality returned. Loki wondered if it was genuine or if he was putting on a mask, too.

"Her name's Jane Foster."

Loki searched his memory for a Jane Foster but couldn't come up with any matches.

"She sounds smart," Loki said, marveling at Thor's ability to capture the sight of anyone smarter than a peanut.

"She is," Thor urged. "We were lab partners back in September once. Chemistry, I think it was. Don't give me that look and please don't give me any clever puns, I don't think I can take another one." Thor slid a palm down the side of his face.

"Okay." Loki said, pouting slightly, he had been cooking up some good ones. "Is she in your year?"

Thor nodded.

"She'll be graduating in May, too."

"Exciting," Loki waggled his brows and Thor choked on a laugh.

"She's nice; I'm hoping you can meet her soon." Thor smiled, eyes drifting into a dreamy stare.

"Okay," Loki agreed, trying to quickly displace the thought that he might not be around to actually meet her. Instead, Loki asked, "Are you going to take her to prom?"

Thor smiled while letting out a huge breath.

"Brother, prom is like six months from now. That's too much time in advance to ask someone out to it. Besides, I don't think we're going steady steady yet, you know?"

"No," Loki summarized because he really didn't know. Loki had yet to enter into any form of a romantic relationship. Hell, he even struggled with forming meaningful friendships that didn't also happen to be friends with Thor or only knew of Loki's existence because he was the little brother of Thor himself. Thor's shadow was difficult to crawl away from and again and again Loki had been pitted against his brother, to be better than him, to be recognized and noticed and every time he, Loki, always fell short of that. He felt that no matter what he did, he would always be compared to Thor. He felt he would always be reminded of how much better Thor was at making friends, how much better Thor was at being popular, how much better Thor was for being able to have romantic partnerships, how much better Thor was in the eyes of their father. Loki didn't matter, not really, not for whom he was at this given moment. Loki had to be better, better than Thor and especially better than himself right now. He just didn't know exactly how to get there. But his brain was saying that if he ate less, if he ran more, if he became less, less than what he already was, then that would bring him some form of joy, some form of attention (though Loki hated to admit that attention played a small factor in his struggles). More importantly, being thin, being slender, being weightless, would bring him love, would bring him worthiness, and would bring him to the other side of enjoying life. Because Loki really, really didn't enjoy life right now; he had forgotten what truly feeling alive felt like-if he had ever even experienced it before.

Loki just wanted to be happy: to be comfortable in his own skin, to be worth something, to be enough. And being thin, he reasoned with himself, would give him that. Being flesh and bones would give him everything he so gloriously sought after. Being thin would be a way of taking up less space, because Loki didn't really need much space as it was now, so his emotional state would mirror his physical state much more in that regard. Loki just wanted to be noticed, noticed for once in his life and acknowledged that he existed and that, yes, he was not Thor and he was his own person. He was his own person with struggles that not many could even dream of overcoming. He certainly wasn't overcoming them now.

But in order to get to his goal weight, he had to keep strong in his restricting. Eating food was weak, it was below him, Loki did not need to eat, he could be stronger than the hunger pains if it meant he would be worthy in the end. Because all that really mattered right now was being better, finally, for once, than his brother Thor.

Loki wondered, then, for the briefest of moments if Thor ever wished he could be Loki. Loki was always circling around the notion that he wished he could be like Thor that he never, until now, considered the opposite may be true for his brother. However, Loki wasn't worth much as it was now, so he doubted that his brother would find any reason to want to be like him.

What did Loki really have going for him? Nothing. Loki was nothing noteworthy, nothing exemplary. Loki was too much baggage in his current form. But when he could be weightless, when he could be thin, then people would notice him, then they would pay attention to him, realize that he existed and that he was here and that, maybe most importantly, that he was suffering. Because what was the point in anything at all, really? There was none. Loki wasn't going to change any lives by merely existing. Loki had to be someone, be someone to be missed, before he could really achieve anything in life. Because if no one knows you exist, how in the hell of all that is earth will they be able to tune in to your message?

Loki was tired of being stepped on, he was tired of being forgotten about, overlooked, unknown to many. He was tired of Thor's shadow, and he knew that becoming thinner would set him apart from Thor. It was this logic that Loki clung to. Because he had to; otherwise, what was the point?

Deep down, Loki knew there probably wasn't one.

He carried that burden into school with him that day, not letting anyone know what was really going on inside his skull, because he was supposed to be better, he was supposed to be strong, he was supposed to have it all together. But he didn't. He never had, he never would, and besides, no one would even notice him otherwise or even bother to ask those questions he yearned to hear so desperately: Are you okay?

Because, in truth, Loki wasn't okay; in truth, he felt like he would never be okay again, and that pain encompassed his heart so tightly that he didn't know how to live without it.

As he was right now, fat and ugly and worthless, Loki had no message to give to the world around him. He was nothing but a speck of dust on a revolving planet in the middle of the ginormous universe. If he got hit by a bus tomorrow, no one would even bat an eyelash. Especially not father. Father would probably go on as if he had never had a second son-that's how ashamed of Loki he was. Loki would always be second best in father's eyes, in the eyes of the very person that Loki sought the most acceptance from, he would instead be shunned, sent away, pushed afar, be nothing to.

So he had to starve. It's what he deserved. Loki didn't deserve the grace that was of being fed and having a full stomach. He didn't deserve to fuel his body; he didn't deserve to be pain free. He didn't deserve to live, plainly put. So if he didn't deserve to live and if Loki was who he was, what else was there for him to do? Eating was a privilege that Loki was never born into. It had been his mistake in the past to ever think otherwise, but now it was important for Loki to alter his behaviors, to make things in life right again. So he cleverly skipped his meals, he cleverly became accustomed to the lies that were sent from his mouth to those few people around him. He knew he had to lie and pretend that he was okay because the people around him didn't really care for him, not truly, and they wouldn't want to hear the depressive reel that played in his mind late at night or early in the morning when all the anxiety about eating came into his skull. Food became taunting, haunting and Loki really did crave it to some extents, but ultimately he had to be strong to not give in to the urges. He had to be strong so he could be better. Better, of course, than Thor. Thor who had everything going for him: a new girlfriend, relatively stable grades, a wrestling reputation, a scholarship set up for college.

And all Loki had going for himself were grades better than Thor's but that were still met with disdain and a lack of acknowledgment. All Loki had going for himself was finding new ways to reject meals, new excuses to come up with when the few concerned eyes came rolling over to him, questioning his motivation, his eagerness to perform, to achieve his ultimate dreams. Because being thin had become a dream now-checking two, three times a day to make sure he hadn't gained another ounce was becoming like a well-made game. Loki obsessively checked his weight in the scale at home, and he would go so far as to shove the back end of a toothbrush, free from the dentist with teal swirls at the grip, down his throat to purge what little that he did eat. He didn't enjoy puking very much (did anyone?) and so would only use such desperate efforts if he couldn't swerve off expectations for him to eat without raising suspicions and ultimately being found out.

His relationship with food, what cracked and broken of a relationship it was, had changed. It had altered and transformed into a shadowy figure that meant him ill intent, but Loki never realized this at the time. Every time his stomach growled he would wait until he was in a private, blue toned stall of the bathroom and punch and hit his stomach to make the grumbles stop. Sometimes he would hit so hard he'd leave behind bruises and somehow, for some reason, the pain made Loki feel better-for a little while, that is. Sometimes when Loki was craving more to eat, he would shove his fingers deep into the fat rolls around his torso and mutter quietly about how ugly he was and how much he didn't even deserve to eat and how much of a waste of space he was. Everything Loki did was done with poise and purpose; he did it for himself, for his future self to be better and ultimately for the greater good. If Loki was erased from the world, he was so sure, so convinced that it would be for a greater purpose. Maybe, Loki would find, the ends would justify the means.

"Earth to Loki, are you all right, brother?" Thor cast a concerned blue eyed gaze over to his younger sibling.

"What?" Loki croaked with genuine confusion flicking through his face.

"You just really spaced out there, are you all right?" Thor tilted his head, and Loki could see beyond his shoulder the doors to the horrid place he was beginning to associate as school. His green eyes shifted to the ground before he mustered up his remaining strength and cheekily grinned at his brother.

"Of course I'm all right, Thor. Why wouldn't I be?" He laughed, but without any humor.

Thor, with a stab to Loki's chest, seemed to believe the lie. It made Loki feel both pride and desperation.

The number he was working towards now flashed through his head:

112

He could make it to one hundred. He knew it. It was time to really start cutting back on the few things he did eat.

Loki had also begun writing in a small spiral notebook with the things that he did eat and how many calories they would be. He kept an ongoing log and knew which foods he could get away with skipping out on and how to pretend to eat when a plate of food was set in front of him (he did this by moving around the peas with his silver fork and munching briefly on the potatoes when they were served mashed). All of these behaviors had begun to feel second nature to Loki and he was quite proud of that.

He didn't know where these behaviors would lead him. But if he had known? He probably wouldn't have tried to stop it.

Because no one could stop him now; and that was probably the worst part.

A/N: Well, uh, this happened again! Finally got in my fanfic writing stuff again. This wasn't quite the direction I was aiming for in this chapter and I haven't reread my previous chapters to re-immerse myself into what's been going on in this particular story but I did listen to some great music while writing the majority of this chapter (pretty much everything after Loki tells Thor he can't relate to his new romantic relationship pursuits). So, yeah, that's something. I tried capturing the angst and a bit of where this fic is continuing to go while kind of explaining and giving a deeper background into what's really going on in Loki's head and what some of his thought patterns are like, so I hope that you enjoy that? (That doesn't sound right, you know.) I know I've been a bit slow on the gradual build up for this story and I think I still have some filler chapters to go before I introduce the other Avengers into the story. I have written up one chapter way back in November that will probably come into action around chapter 16. Until then, I shall work on this fic when I can. More updates to come on multiple stories!

Also, though I'm sure you've realized, Loki's POV of his father not caring about him and that others don't care either is heavily skewed-likely in part to his undiagnosed depression and dealing with the eating disorder (which he doesn't think is one yet). Also, if I haven't mentioned it before, this story WILL get brighter, it will feature recovery and it will also have a sequel set in college. Just saying! Okay, I'll stop now, ahaha. I hope that you enjoyed this update! See you in the next one.

And ABOVE ALL, thank you for reading. Leave a review if you have time, I'd love to hear from you guys!

Resources for suicide prevention in the US include (ironically) the song I'm listening to which is 1800 273 8255.

And for ED's: NEDA's website might help.

Thank you again, for everything!

Handwritten: 3.14

Typed from handwritten: 6.6

Written in typed fashion: 6.6

Edited: 6.6.2018