Distorted & Disordered

Chapter 14

*Trigger Warning*: Suicidal themes

It started with wanting to be perfect. It started with the inkling of thought that being weightless would give him worth. That being thin would garner heads to look in his direction, to see him for who he was and accept him for it. It transformed into numbers, counting, checking, weighing in, and being overly self-critical of his mistakes and dealing with hours and hours of hunger pains. He still ate, when he could, when he deserved to, because it was harder and more noticeable if he gave up on food entirely. Water wasn't something that passed by his lips often and he dealt with the headaches and dizziness that came with that issue. He wished he could give up on food entirely, but even when he scraped his fork across the dinner plate or munched mutely with dead eyes on some peas, he could tell mother was looking at him with concern and a prying eye that he didn't want to bother deflecting.

So much of his life had dissolved into keeping up appearances, wearing a mask and pretending to be okay.

He was tired of it.

He was tired of pretending, of smiling even when his lips felt like they were moving wax rather than muscles.

He was tired of breathing. He was tired of being.

He wanted to escape.

Schoolwork no longer held interest for the adolescent, something he was once so passionate and absorbed in felt like watching clay dry.

…He had lost everything.

What was one more thing?

"Loki?"

The mention of his name felt like he was parting a hundred year old cobwebs clear from their nest in his head.

A pair of green eyes, red with lack of sleep and tearing up uncontrollably, shifted in their attention to the teacher who had asked him a question. He felt too old to be dealing with this bullshit.

The small nod of his aching skull was meant to signify that he was listening. Words, Loki felt, were difficult to come by these days.

"You haven't worked on your assignment," the teacher, probably in their forties, whose name Loki couldn't care less about and of which had escaped him in this moment, stated. The teacher's brown eyes quirked at the sides, and Loki realized, belatedly, it was because they were crooked. Loki sneered immediately with judgment coursing through his veins. And still, they continued talking to him, as if they thought they were worth his time.

"You were supposed to pair off into groups of four to work on the packet." They paused for a second, eyes scrunching up at the corners. "You haven't even completed the first page which was the homework from last week. Are you all right? Would you like to meet after class?"

Loki nearly snarled but kept his voice monotone and in check, despite how much pain it caused him.

"No."

A word hadn't felt so damaging and heavy in months for the youngster. It almost made him feel a flicker of something but what he couldn't tell.

"It's very unlike you to not complete your assignments. Is everything okay at home?" They whispered this quietly, eyes darting over to the unsuspecting but probably eavesdropping students who were quietly chattering amongst themselves about a subject matter that was so very insignificant to Loki now.

"Everything's fine." Short, clipped, simple; he wanted them to leave him alone and also wanted them to continue asking.

Please, he begged silently. Please help me.

But the teacher just nodded instead and gave up pursuit. Loki felt contentment and a rush of desperation, wanting to plead with them, to get them to see that he was really not okay, but he didn't move a muscle, and he didn't work on his packet. The words on the white paper blurred together as his silent tears cascaded down around him.

His world was falling apart, and no one seemed to notice.

"You're late." This was Mr. Winestine, his math teacher. He was wearing a porous blue green shirt, sleeves rolled up at his elbows with nutmeg colored pants. His belt hung loose around his gut, and Loki felt disgusted for him for how fat he was.

Loki shrugged, aiming to itch towards his seat and sit down for a lecture he wasn't going to be paying attention to.

"This is your third time late this week," Mr. Winestine instructed, blue eyes smoldering as he crossed his arms and leveled a glare in Loki's direction. "You know I don't accept late students, especially when they're repeat offenders."

Offenders, as if Loki were a criminal.

"What are you going to do about it?" Loki challenged, chin tilting upwards in defiance as Mr. Winestine blinked in confusion, alarm bells ringing.

Loki never talked back to his teachers, not until today.

"Detention, today after school, meet us by three in the cafeteria."

Loki made a face of displeasure. "I'd rather not." But he shrugged his shoulders when Mr. Winestine remained plastered between the doorway of the classroom and Loki took his time to wander around the corner of the next wall and fall to the floor with regret pooling in his arms.

Who was he becoming? He felt lost, damaged, broken. He wasn't himself anymore and he didn't know if he even wanted to get himself back. Anger sparked in his line of vision as he threw his green backpack across the hallway with enough force that the unzipped portion of his bag slammed loose papers and empty notebooks across the vanilla floor.

What was there possibly left for Loki? He dreaded finding out.

"Brother!" Thor galloped up to Loki, who was at his locker staring blankly into its dark abyss, and tapped him on the shoulder. "You're gonna miss our walk home." Thor smiled even while breathless; he was so agile and…so much more than Loki could ever dream to be.

"Can't."

Thor's head immediately tilted. "Why not?"

"Got detention; Mr. Winestine's a bitch."

Thor blinked dumbly for a moment, a hundred different alarms now sounding in his brother's head.

"Don't wait up," Loki advised, before sauntering away with his bag on only one of his shoulders and not bothering to close his locker because, really, what was there to steal but old, soggy lunches and textbooks he couldn't give a rat's ass about?

Thor's eyes trailed after him, still dumbfounded as to what was just happening, eyes beginning to calculate the changes that were appearing every day now with his younger sibling. He glanced into his brother's locker before he shut it soundly and locked the green knob, spinning it around before deciding it would be better for him to wait, even if it seemed like Loki didn't want him to.

Something wasn't right, and Thor would be damned if he was going to let anything happen to his little brother.

"I told you not to wait up," Loki muttered softly when he edged his way out of the cafeteria doors by four PM and saw Thor with his friends sitting Indian style out on the floor by the row of freshman lockers.

"You know I don't listen well," Thor said with a sparkle in his eyes as he quickly told his friends to go so he could have a word with his brother.

Loki sighed.

"I'm not really in a talkative mood," he mentioned as a way to explain away his lack of communication as of late.

"Are you ever?" Thor challenged, hand coming up to rest on (what Loki hoped) was a thin shoulder. "Are you all right, brother?"

For a minute, Loki just stared back at his older sibling. He thought, no, he saw, what would happen if he told Thor the truth. There would be hell, blood and pain and probably an intervention of sorts and Loki couldn't decide whether he wanted that or not in this very moment. Maybe it would be better to just tell Thor everything, to let it loose from his soul and open up about the darkest parts of him because he had been slowly suffering for so very, very long. Maybe Loki couldn't handle this himself, maybe he no longer needed to. But he wasn't sure yet if he was ready to let go of the control that had been slowly consuming him over the last few weeks.

How had everything gotten so wrong? How had everything turned so right?

He wished he could say these things to Thor, to tell him everything, but something held him back. Maybe it was because his depression had become comfortable and he didn't know who he was without it. Maybe it was because it didn't seem all that important, because Loki wasn't all that important, and that he would never be all that important, anyways.

Whatever curse or dark magic that was occurring within his soul, he knew he had to be quiet about it. People didn't really want to know what was going on with him. They didn't really care, not truly. He was better off this way, better off not being a burden to those around him. He would be okay, one way or another.

All of this raced through the adolescent's mind so fast that he forgot what the original question was at all.

"What?" he offered meekly in return, eyes blinking away the pain that lingered so heavily there.

"You're not yourself," Thor stated, eyes searching Loki's.

Loki was afraid of what Thor would find in them, so he averted his gaze.

"I'm fine."

Thor's grip tightened in a way that wasn't all that uncomfortable.

"You're not," Thor said firmly, eyes overanalyzing his brother. "What's wrong, brother?" And more softly, "You can tell me."

For a moment, Loki's eyes gazed back over to Thor's and he let out a deep breath. "No, I can't."

Thor blinked at him in a way that could only be described as another flash of confusion.

"You wouldn't understand," Loki murmured, eyes falling back to Thor's untied sneakers.

"Then tell me and I'll try my best to," Thor urged vehemently, feeling as though he was losing his brother. "I want to help."

"You can't." Loki's voice hardened then, anger colliding back into his form. Why was Thor keeping up this act that he pretended to care? Why was Loki finding himself believing that he would listen?

But he wouldn't understand. No one did. No one would. Loki was better off alone.

"Please, Loki," Thor pleaded softly, attempting to reconnect their eyes once again but Loki was having none of it.

"Please, drop it." Loki glanced over at Thor before attempting to shrug off his hand. "I've had a long day." It wasn't a lie.

Thor seemed to take it as one.

"Is this something I need to discuss with mother?" Thor asked carefully, and Loki's eyes widened in horror.

"No, Thor, please," his voice cracked and he had to swallow back his fear before he continued. "You know how she'll react. It's really not that big of a deal. I'm okay, see?" He lifted up his hand, grabbing Thor's around the wrist. "Mother doesn't need to know about this."

"Not even that you're failing half your classes?" Thor expressed with hostility.

So, he had looked through Loki's things. Awesome.

"That's a little overdramatic."

"C's are essentially F's for you, brother." Thor paused. "You haven't been yourself lately. I'm worried about you."

Loki smiled, although it wasn't genuine. "You don't have to be. I'm fine."

Thor appeared conflicted.

"Look, I'll get my grades back up but you can't tell mother. You know how she'll be. I've just been stressed with school lately, an honest mistake. I'll do better." Loki said all the bullshit that came to his mind in that moment and Thor seemed to take the bait.

"Okay," he pronounced slowly, drawing out the letters. "But if they don't get up before November I am telling mother."

"Of course, that's reasonable," Loki relented, falling into place with his role again. "Can we go home now? I'm starving."

Everything seemed to freeze. Did he just say he was hungry? How could he have been so foolish as to admit that terrible secret to Thor? Would he ask further questions? Would Loki give him answers? What did he just do?

Thor, for his part, didn't notice. It was as if Loki had just stated that the weather was cold outside. Thor didn't even miss a beat and just continued on chattering about some other old nonsense.

Loki let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and walked with Thor all the way home, only averting his gaze when he saw cars passing them quickly and he imagined himself being hit by them.

Not yet, he thought. Not yet, but soon.

A/N: Hey everyone! I was working on a book review when listening to the song "1800" by Logic when I got a major writing vibe for this story! Which is great because I haven't, in the last week, been writing fanfiction again so it was a lovely surprise. I'll be having updated chapters soon-ish on ALU and S. I hope that you enjoyed this chapter (I personally enjoyed the descriptive nature of it and I think this represents the conflicting nature of depression well. Plus I believe depression in males tends to lead to more anger responses so I tried including that in this chapter more), and I realized early on that Loki is interpreting other people's concern as a lack of concern which I think is pretty true in the depressive headspace. So like, he feels that no one is noticing while at the same time people ARE and he's the one lying about how he's really feeling. It's sad. :[ I'm planning that by chapter 19 we will bridge this story into introducing the other Avengers; so in the meantime, leave me a review if you don't mind! They really help me out. And I don't own these characters! Just the plotline. Thank you so much for reading, fave-ing and reviewing. It means the world to me. See you in the next one! xx

Written (in type): 6.24.2018