Distorted and Disordered Chapter 17, an avengers fanfic

Distorted & Disordered

Chapter 17

**Trigger Warning**: Suicidality, suicide notes and feels

He hadn't meant to show such emotion. He hadn't meant for the rage to come sauntering out of him at his elder sibling, at the world around him. It felt like everything was just falling apart as soon as he touched it. He didn't expect for the tears to start flinging free from his green eyes as soon as he reached the farthest fence by the edge of the football field. He felt more than realized the gawking stares from the practicing football team as they looked upon him weeping with both suspicion and disdain.

He hadn't meant to be crying. He knew it was weak of him to show so much emotion, but it all just flung out of him of its own accord.

What was he going to do?

There was no place he could hide. There was no place where he belonged. There was no place to turn to now.

Mother was gone, Thor didn't care and Odin…his wrath would be scorching through Loki's soul soon.

He knew he couldn't not go home, he had to, and he had to face his father's discipline. But it didn't mean he liked it any more. Ms. Pirelli, of all the teachers with her big brown doe eyes and worried tone had mentioned that she had called home and spoken to father. About him, about Loki.

She said the other teachers had been worried about him, that his grades were slipping and his mask was being unveiled and it made him feel so completely and utterly terrified.

It was as if all his secrets had been unleashed. The notion was entirely disconcerting-if he didn't matter at all to anyone, why were they making such a fuss over him? If he wasn't more than a scrap of dog shit on a shoe, why would they be trying to find him help?

Did he want help? Like, truly and completely?

He just knew he couldn't keep up this charade anymore. He couldn't keep up the lies and the displays that things were okay because they weren't. They were not okay-he, by extension, was not okay.

He didn't have the energy in him to lie any longer. And it scared him where that would lead him. Would he be sent away? What would he tell them? What would he say to get the questioning lines of vision away from him and his Ananias? Is there anything he could even realistically say, let alone convince others, that he was okay? Because it felt like he wasn't okay, it felt like everything was crashing down around him like balls of hail had erupted out from the putrid gray clouds and was swallowing him whole.

Tears came and came from his eyes, his world blurring around him because he had been caught: he had been found out; he had had his mask pulled away. The numbers and the lies and the truths mixed together in a swirling mass that he was very uncomfortable with.

If he thought he knew pain before, he was sorely mistaken.

He hiccupped and spread his snot over his sleeves as he dabbed at his eyes and tried his best to pull himself together.

The pounding headache behind his eyes and forehead didn't help matters but he couldn't recall if that was already present before he started crying or was just made worse after having shed his tears.

He sighed, sniffling and coughing and pulled up his backpack from the soggy ground and started for the journey home.

Whether he was ready or not, he felt his coin flipping moment was coming up potentially a few days sooner than he had been planning.

Dire situations called for dire circumstances.

Thor licked his lips for the third time that afternoon. He was biting his bottom lip, picking at it from between his index finger and thumb, pulling away at the skin and otherwise fidgeting with his too long of limbs and anxious, sporadic thoughts.

"Where is your brother?" Odin spat angrily, turning towards Thor with hell bent rage in his eye.

"Father, I-" Thor protested but his father just spun on his heel again as he angrily swept back and forth on the carpet, as though he were really the vacuum cleaner instead.

"I ask few things of you two boys! Getting home on time is one of them." Odin glared out at Thor before he turned on his heel again, walking back up the room.

"Father, I really think-" Thor tried again, but Odin continued on as if he hadn't even heard him.

"Your mother has just left this house and you and Loki start this mess mere hours later? Do you realize how much worry she's going to be in now because Loki has been doing poorly in school? Do neither of you think clearly? Do neither of you stop to think how you may be affecting this family?" Odin groaned, hands sliding down his aged face. Before he could continue on his rant, or for Thor to try and juxtapose another thought, the front door opened slowly.

"Loki!" Odin shouted across the house and Loki, who was quietly stepping into the house, cringed immediately.

"Yes, father?" Loki spoke lowly, wishing more than anything to turn from the house and run into traffic.

"Get in here, now!" Odin replied, fingers curling up into fists.

Loki stepped into the living room like a snail crawls along gravel.

"Your teacher called the house," Odin mutely transitioned. "Do you have any idea as to why?"

Loki wasn't sure if he was more anxious when Odin spoke quietly versus when he spoke very loudly.

"Grades." Loki supplied, easily.

"You know you're supposed to be the one to set an example for your brother. What is the town going to think when their straight A student comes home with F's instead?" Odin scowled in disgust, pity appearing in his eye as he shook his head. "You are a disgrace to this family!"

"Father, please," Thor expressed with concern, blue eyes flicking back and forth between his father and his brother.

"Thor, be silent! Know your place." Odin repeated, eyeing the elder sibling for just a split second. "What are you going to do next? Get a job at McDonald's?" He scorned, tone rough.

"No," was the hushed, barely even stated reply.

"I should have known with you that this would happen one day. You feel inferior to your brother because he truly is better than you. Thor can juggle wrestling, football, schooling and a girlfriend, and what can you accomplish with nearly none of that? He may not be perfect but at least he's not you. You have brought such stress onto this family and with your mother gone…" He trailed off, shaking his head again. "She would be able to deal with you better than I. Go to your room, you are grounded for the weekend until Monday. You can take your meals up in your bedroom. I want to hear nothing but pencil scratching paper this weekend. You have direly disappointed me, Loki. Try harder to be better, next time." Odin sighed like a deflated balloon and Thor's eyes had turned back to Loki, whereas Loki was too busy staring at the floor in a locked gaze.

He shifted to the left before climbing the stairs and heading to his room where he closed his door with a loud bang.

"You really should be nicer to Loki, father." Thor stated clearly, his own head shaking as he mulled over his father's words. "Loki is struggling and he could use your love right now, not your tough love."

"Love is blind. Tough love makes for stronger men."

"But he is not yet a man, rather a young boy." Thor replied, eyes watering slightly. "You've always wanted the best for me, why is this any different than for Loki?"

"You are not your brother," Odin responded right away. He looked over at his elder son, pausing for a moment. "Loki is…"

"Worthy," Thor supplied right away. "He is worthy of your love and worthy of your compassion. You should treat us no differently, father. Mother would want the best for both of us, not just one."

Odin's brows shifted together.

"Another word from you and you'll face the same punishment." He warned darkly.

"There are some things worth getting punished for. This is one of those things." Thor trudged up the stairs thereafter, still limping slightly from his ankle. He made a beeline to Loki's closed bedroom door, and was about to knock when he thought better of it.

It could wait until tomorrow, couldn't it?

If only Thor had known: that sometimes, some things can't.

Try harder to be better next time.

Dear Odin,

I took your advice to try harder to be better. I'd say it didn't work out so well for me. Don't you think? I'm sure you won't cry at my funeral-did you even at my birth? I hope having one son who lives a long and happy life is enough for you. Because clearly I never was.

Look on the bright side: at least you don't have to pretend like you cared about me when mother or Thor is around.

You should rejoice in my death, even.

It's what you always wanted.

That's the only logical conclusion that I can come to at least.

So one last thing before I leave this Earth:

Go fuck yourself.

From the son who only ever wanted your approval,

- Loki.

Loki set aside the black pen, hand trembling as the tears shed free from his green eyes. Odin's words hadn't left his side since thirteen hours ago when they came flinging from his father's mouth. And while it was an achievement that he had finally gotten the strength to write his suicide letter, its impact was something he hated himself for feeling and the daunting coin flip was making his insides turn painfully.

Did he really want to go?

Is this how he was meant to die?

Was this how his one life was meant to be spent? Suffering and in pain for the majority of it? Never living to see his twenties, have a family, have a romantic relationship, have friends who wanted to be around him? People who would actually even dare to choose to be around him?

Was this it?

How it all unfolded?

Because that really, really sucked.

It was shit.

Loki hated it.

He hated life, he hated Odin, he hated how he pined after his father figure like a child, wishing beyond wishing that his father would love him, deem him worthy, deem him with his approval. He hated himself for wishing that, for returning to the fountain time and time again even though every time he came by he always left without his bucket being filled. He hated his body for how disgusting it was. He hated his mind for Ananias to even exist within it and for the depressive thoughts that wouldn't go away about how much he should die and how worthless he was. But most of all, Loki just hated himself.

He had no reason to believe that things would get better because they never had before. He had no reason to believe anything other than what was being spoon fed to him by his own mind.

He just didn't matter…enough. He didn't come close to mattering enough. He certainly wasn't thin enough.

And if he wasn't thin enough, did he really have a problem to begin with? If he wasn't depressed enough, did he really even have a mood disorder? If he wasn't dead by now, was he genuinely ever suicidal?

These questions hurt his soul, tearing it apart from the inside out.

He didn't know.

He just didn't know.

But he hoped that with his soon to come freedom that he'd have an answer to these questions. Or he'd be so consumed by what lay ahead of him in Valhalla that the answers wouldn't even matter to him anymore.

That's what he wished for that evening: peace.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Munching on the inside of his cheek, he picked up the pen again for the final letter. He had saved the hardest one for last.

Dear Mother,

I am severely going to miss you.

It pains me so that my dying fell upon a day where you were not here. I know killing myself at home wasn't the greatest of options-but I didn't want to be uncovered at school-and you weren't home anyways so you wouldn't have had to find me.

Please don't come after me. Please don't blame yourself. Please learn to let go of me-that's all I wanted, was to be let go of.

I will miss your hugs-the tight embraces across my shoulders, the way your hair sparkled in the morning sun, the kindness and compassion and utmost love you always provided to me.

Please make something more out of Soul Search. It is a noble cause. Maybe if things had been different, I would have called. But just know that you did everything you could. It's just that sometimes part of the journey is the end.

I know how hard it is to take a look at what signs we missed in those we love-it's the tragic nature of suicide because it always seems like you could have done so much.

But sometimes, you couldn't have. Sometimes it wouldn't have changed a thing. So please, don't stay up at night looking for clues that were just never there.

I am so, so sorry, mother. I didn't want this to happen to you.

Someone is coming-

I love you,

- Loki

The younger adolescent had about twenty seconds to toss his disheveled pillow over the collection of suicide notes he had upon his bed before Thor came bursting through the door.

"Brother!" he loudly exclaimed in delight. "You're up!"

"Of course I am, Thor, it's three in the afternoon," Loki mused, sniffling as quietly as he could to not attract attention to the face that his eyes were red rimmed and he'd been crying for the last several hours. "What's up?" he asked in a weak voice, trying for just a little while longer to keep up the charade.

"I was hoping we could go over some math homework," Thor answered, seemingly not noticing Loki's wrecked emotions.

"Maybe later," Loki deflected, not feeling up to doing any schoolwork. Because what did it matter anyway? It was a pile of papers and he was planning on killing himself tomorrow so, even in Valhalla homework would be irrelevant.

Thor sighed, lumbering into the rest of Loki's messy room and parking himself onto a pillow beside his younger sibling.

Thor didn't know it-how could he?-that he had just parked his bottom cheeks onto the very same pillow that was hiding Loki's suicide notes.

He thought the look of alarm and unease in his brother's face was because he was encroaching in his personal space. He never would have guessed that behind those green eyes lay something far more sinister.

"Loki," Thor breathed, as though this were the last time he would ever say his brother's name, and for all intents and purposes, it might be. "I'm going to a party Fandral is hosting tomorrow evening. Jane," Thor recognized the confusion on Loki's face and uttered, "My girlfriend is going to be there and I really want you to come to meet her." His expression turned to one of sorrow for a moment. "I think getting out of the house could be really good for you. Get you to think about something else for a while, a change of scenery, even. What do you think?"

I'd really like to kill myself tomorrow, Loki immediately thought, but he didn't say anything. And he didn't realize it but by not saying anything, by not sharing his feelings and his thoughts and his worries, that other people couldn't mind read what he was feeling and thinking and doing. Only Loki knew for himself what his life experiences had taught him. Only Loki could ask for help, could reach out for it, because there were hands reaching back out to him, even if he couldn't see them, even if he didn't believe they were even there.

But Loki didn't know any of this yet. And it was tragic. And it was painful. So he kept his mind busy with everything he wanted to say and maybe in some alternate universe what he thought was actually said aloud but for this one, he sighed and instead let these words fly free from his mouth:

"I'm going to be having a change of scenery anyways. So I don't think I can make it tomorrow, but, next time?" Loki looked up at Thor and he felt so broken and fake and uncomfortable but Thor, he felt, didn't notice the gravity of what was occurring.

He frowned sadly, but then said, "Okay, if you're sure, Loki." He gazed at his sibling for a second or two longer and it took everything in Loki to not turn away in shame. "Next time, for sure." Thor repeated to himself, and Loki's heart broke that there would never be a next time, so with tears in his eyes again he nodded.

"Next time."

And he offered Thor a weak smile and when Thor left his room soon after, he placed the letters under his pillow because he knew with them there that he wouldn't sleep through the night, wondering what he was doing and if it would work and whether he should even go at all. Because he knew with exhaustion, with exhaustion he could do it. He could end it all.

But when his eyes finally closed, he didn't know if that's what he truly wanted anymore.

A/N: Heyyyy! So you guys are probably seeing this a few days after my last chapter update. In fact, it's a little longer now than I intended because I had a tough Monday and took a few days off from this fic (I'm safe, hooray!) I'm so excited for where this fic is going and am already looking forward to the sequel that will come out of this fic (yes, there will be a sequel! Yay!) and I'm really looking forward to writing this story and sharing it with you guys as one of the major scenes I'll be introducing soon has been such a BIG scene I've been leading up to every chapter since (I'm still working out the kinks to it) and it's going to be nice to finally have it out there and then introduce the other Avengers into this story. :]

So, if you can, leave me a review! I'd love to hear from you and who knows, you may even inspire me to write different scenes in that I hadn't thought of on my own. :]

Also, I do want to point out two things:

1. Loki likely perceives some of what Odin says to fit within his own narrative, which I tried to highlight in the conversation between him and Ms. Pirelli last chapter. But even if Odin is a dick, that's going to be a very interesting relationship to have to come to terms with in some respects as in the recovery process, not all of our loved ones are encouraging and validating and how we navigate that truth is so, so, soooo important. So there's some potential future conflict within that and also I have about 3 ideas as to where that can go too.

2. No offense to people who work at McDonald's! We gotta earn ourselves money somehow, so don't let Odin's invalidation deter you in any way!

Also, there's totes a reference to one of the trailers for Endgame too, if you squint hard enough! ;]

And above all, thank you so much for reading and reviewing and following and the like.

Stay safe, my friends and take care of yourselves. I look forward to where we go from here. *hugs*

Background songs: "Sober" by Demi Lovato & "Praying" by Kesha.

Written: 4/4, 4/6/2019

Edited: 4/6, 4/10/19