Distorted & Disordered

Chapter 20

Trigger Warning: Suicide attempt aftermath and feels

The Odinson's sat pale with their gazes transfixed to the floor while Thor clasped Jane's hand by his thigh and tried his best-he floundered, really-not to judge his father for everything that had happened and everything that had yet to unravel.

They didn't speak to each other-words appeared elusive and they didn't really have anything worth saying. Nothing that could have prevented this from happening-at least, that's the lie they told themselves within their skulls.

Father had papers in his hands that Thor vaguely found strange because he never opened them to read. Thor found it odd that he'd even have brought them along to the waiting room as they all sat anxiously awaiting some news from the doctors that they blindly hoped were working hard on Loki's case.

But they didn't really know that, not yet at least.

Jane asked once if he wanted anything from the cafeteria but he said he wasn't hungry-and he wondered if this is what Loki felt when he didn't eat-and when she left the two men alone Thor found himself asking quietly under his breath, "Father, what happened?"

Odin didn't spare him a glance, just blinked slowly, as if he were still in a trance.

"Your brother tried to end his life," he said mutely, his lips barely forming the right syllables.

Thor waited for his father's follow-up but was met with elongated silence.

"How?" he breathed in a state of panic.

"Your grandfather's old pain medication." Came the short reply.

Thor felt a surge of anger roll through his soul. This was the most information he'd gotten out of his father for two whole hours.

"And you brought reading material?" he accused distastefully.

Father looked down at the letters clamped between his cold hands.

"….They're your brother's suicide letters."

New horror unleashed itself into Thor's bloodstream.

"This…wasn't impulsive." He stated carefully, eyes watering again to their own accord.

"No."

This meant that Loki had planned it. It wasn't a fleeting moment of strong urges but rather a cold and calculated plan that his brother had been gearing up to for days, if not weeks, if not months.

Thor felt a layer of disgust in his throat that he was not sure would have been there if it had all been impulsive and sudden and out of nowhere as he had been clinging to.

In having the reality be that Loki had planned his suicide meant that he probably had given out warning signs that few people around him had recognized.

Thor was overcome again with heart stopping fear and guilt.

He should have said more to Loki, he should have reached out more forcefully, he should have shared his concerns with mother sooner, he should have known things were leading in this direction; he should have paid more attention to the unseen pain his little brother was going through. He should have seen it where no one else had.

He should have been there for Loki. And would he ever get the chance to now?

Still, with his blue eyes gleaming he thought back to what Jane had expressed in the car. Thor took a shaky breath and for the moment set aside his doubts and fears and judgments.

"But, he reached out to you." Thor said weakly, searching for a confirmation he feared may never come.

Odin nodded, more of a twitch of his head but a gesture all the same.

"Yes," Odin replied, not quite seeing the point of where Thor was going with this.

"That's a step," Thor answered more confidently. "Loki could have not reached out to you or me or anyone. Father, it matters so much that he did. We have to keep our eyes out on that. There is hope yet for Loki."

Hope yet for his newborn? Odin would have liked to believe it but he had his doubts and his fears that there were secondary demons before them and within Loki that neither he nor Thor could ever begin to understand.

"It doesn't matter," he mumbled lowly, surprising even himself that he would voice his grave concerns aloud.

Thor's eyes sprang new tears.

"Father, of course it matters. Loki matters. He's going to get through this."

"You don't know that… I fear he won't." Odin grumbled again under his breath as if language was foreign to him.

"Fear is unbecoming of you, father," Thor quipped calmly. "Have faith in him yet. And if you falter, I will hold it out for the both of you."

Odin's eye swiveled over to Thor, regarding him for a full moment, considering what he had just spoken. A hope blossomed anew inside his chest, mixing with the trepidation, mixing with the hurt, mixing with the blindingly bright faith. The reality of the moment sunk into him then.

He could lose his son. He could lose everything that had ever happened to him. He would lose the person he'd always compared Thor to, and he realized then, that he ran the risk of never getting that chance again to make things right. Because how he'd been treating Loki for sixteen years wasn't right at all. Maybe he didn't know his second born as well as he thought. Maybe his second born was stronger in ways he never before realized. Maybe he was different from Thor altogether, and maybe that difference would mean the fate of his world could shift and change and become better.

Maybe they could have a closer relationship in the future. Maybe they could celebrate the good times and the holidays and the seats at the dinner table. Maybe Loki-maybe Odin-could love Loki as his own individual person, separate from Thor yet his son all the same.

His eye watered more than he cared to admit then. Emotions boiled through his body in ways that were so overwhelming and beautiful and frightening. All the emotions he had within him when his own brother had passed resurfaced. He'd been pushing Loki away as old as two years of age as he'd done after Jimmie's death. Jimmie's loss had hurt the elder gentleman so very, very deeply. Not speaking of him afterwards didn't help matters, either.

Where his parents seemed to have moved on so coldly after his untimely death, Odin had faltered and shook in dismay, clinging to what could have been and how things could have been different. The guilt and the shame never left him, ever since that day.

And maybe, maybe it was within Loki that he had begun to see Jimmie. Jimmie who he couldn't save, couldn't help, couldn't rescue. And maybe it was this notion that had Odin pushing away his second son.

He just hadn't realized until now that maybe pushing him away, being so harsh with him, being cold and stubborn and spiteful-maybe it had all pushed him into this predicament at that very moment.

So yes, maybe he couldn't have saved Jimmie; maybe he couldn't even save Loki, but just because he couldn't doesn't mean he shouldn't do everything he could to try.

Maybe Jimmie had found a way to live on despite everything that had happened. Maybe in Loki there was a flicker of Jimmie, maybe in the way he smiled or the mischievousness of his actions.

But there was definitely the same, or at least similar, amounts of pain; pain so all-encompassing, pain so difficult to comprehend that drove the two into such desperate acts to find peace.

And wasn't that what we all wanted?

Peace.

So while Odin shed his tears for all he had lost before and all that he feared he would lose again, Thor was there. His eldest was there. And he hoped, he valiantly prayed, that Loki would be there again too. He prayed he'd be able to hold his youngest and right his wrongs and hold his hand as he envisioned a brighter future ahead for him that after Thor's words he felt could maybe one day become a reality.

They held each other then, long and hard, even after when Jane reappeared with a box of food and reassurance upon her brow. She squeezed Thor's free hand in comfort and wasn't surprised when he squeezed back.

Doctor Pethridge clapped her blue gloved hands and wiped the top of her brow onto the sleeve of her white lab coat. She'd been on a busy shift but the overdose kid was being transferred to the ICU. They'd done what they could in the ER but he needed closer monitoring and she had decided an intubation was necessary to properly secure his airway. He'd gone through four naloxone's and at this rate he might require a few more.

Doctor Pethridge was settling into herself when she decided it was time to notify the family. The poor things had been in the dark for four hours more than she was ready to admit to herself.

She tore off her gloves and headed into the waiting room, calling for the family and seeing an older gentleman and a young teen stand up right away. She led them into the nearest closed off room, hearing her colleague's faint voice and a shrill shriek from, she guessed, a patient's family. She tried to shrug off the fact that she'd made her patient's family wait in the dark thinking god knows what. They'd get through it no matter what, she reasoned. As long as the kid lived, they'd get through it…right? Wasn't that how fairytales were meant to end? With an extravagant and happy ending? A hope and promise for the future? She sighed, hoping this kid would get that chance. But she wasn't psych after all, and they'd be meeting with him and his family later. For now, she had to break the news to them as delicately and professionally as she could manage. It had been a long, long evening indeed.

She pointed to the dark blue chairs, uncomfortable and as hideous as they were, and waited until the two men sat down.

The blonde's bashful look and anxious face didn't surprise her at all. The father looked doubtful and drained, possibly exhausted mentally and uncertain as to where things were going to go for them in the future.

"Mr. Odinson, I'm Dr. Ruth Pethridge." She held out a hand that he didn't dignify with a glance, his eyes pointed down at her shoes.

"Your son, Loki, came in following an opiate overdose, correct?" She wasn't sure why she asked exactly, but figured it was the best place to start. She was pretty sure they wouldn't jump into song and dance at the question, instead remaining despondent and…broken.

"We've been giving him IV fluids and a few shots of naloxone which is a drug that can help to reverse the effects of the Oxycodone. We were watchful about his breathing and intubated him to be safe. His vitals have risen back to a low normal. He's in the process of being transferred up to the ICU. He will likely spend a couple of days there, as the effects of this overdose appear to be moderately severe. He should make a recovery, however." She added hastily then bit her lip anxiously. "Once he regains consciousness we will test his mental capacities as overdoses on this drug can sometimes result in brain damage. He will also have to meet with psych for an evaluation. Do either of you have any questions for me?"

"Was it…was it really suicide?" Thor's voice croaked, his blue eyes sparkling with fresh tears. He didn't know why he asked, maybe he was hoping for a different reality, but the doctor gave him a despaired look and reached out to clasp his hand and give him a tissue.

"Because the medication wasn't prescribed to him and he doesn't seem to have a history of drug abuse, my thoughts are pointing towards that. If all goes well, he'll get the help he needs. That's all we can really hope for. Psych will evaluate him and he'll probably spend a few days in their hospital system. This may be the beginning rather than the ending." She watched the two males with curiosity and sadness. "Is there anyone else you'd like me to call?"

Odin froze for a millisecond, and then shook his head sadly. "No, not yet."

Dr. Pethridge nodded and began to head for the door. She paused for a brief moment. "Has your son always been thin?" She blushed nervously. "It was just something I noticed upon examining him. It's…it's not my place to judge but I'd keep an eye on it, if you can. Things like that can spiral out of control pretty quickly."

With that said, she dismantled herself from the room, leaving an unsatisfactory taste in the mouths of the Odinson's as they mulled over her words and felt their own anxieties arising from her interpretations.

Maybe there was more occurring behind the scenes than they could ever have imagined.

When they entered Loki's ICU room, Thor felt his breath knock out of his lungs and fall onto the floor. His brother looked….so ill. A tube was placed down his throat and he was hooked up to a dozen machines and bags of medicine. A catheter bag lay within the crook of his hospital bed and his blue eyes shuddered at the sight of everything before him. The lights were turned down for the evening, even though they presented his brother in an ashy whiteness. He wasn't sure how much of it was simply Loki's complexion and how much it was the washed over light from the bulbs above.

Thor spared a quick glance at his father who still clung to the letters in both hands and had tears welling up in his eye as well.

Thor appeared to be the first to unlock his knees and hurry over to the side of Loki's bed.

"Brother," he gasped breathlessly. "Oh, Loki," he mewled softly, hands hovering over his brother's form. He settled on clasping his hand tightly within his own, sniffling and crying all over again.

"It's okay, brother, it's okay. I'm here now. I am here." He hoped that in the absence of his alertness that Loki could still hear him. Maybe he wasn't aware completely right now but maybe he knew that Thor was there anyways. Thor clung to this, clung to this with all he had. It would help for him to sleep better that night thinking that Loki knew how much he loved him and cared for him and wanted the best for him.

"There's so much more to life than this," he whispered softly, placing a hand over Loki's black locks, kissing him gently on the cheek.

Unbeknownst to him, Odin had approached onto Loki's right. He placed the letters down softly to the white bedsheets, staring at Loki so deeply that he practically saw through him.

"My son," Odin uttered so softly that Thor didn't even notice he had said anything at all. "Forgive me." He pleaded a little louder. "Do not go so soon," his voice cracked, placing his hand over Loki's to comfort either his second son or himself, he wasn't entirely sure.

He just knew that Loki was real. These events had really happened, he wasn't dreaming and this wasn't some unreal nightmare that his mind had cooked up at night. Loki was really lying in a hospital bed in the ICU because he tried to end his life.

Odin breathed out long and hard.

"We will be here, Loki. When you're ready, we will be here." Odin sniffled, taking up the letters again into his stiff hands.

"We're not leaving you, brother… So please, don't leave us as well," Thor mentioned into Loki's ear, before squeezing his hand again and walking back out after their father.

When they got towards the silver elevators, Thor spoke almost numbly, "What do we tell mother?"

Odin didn't respond until they had left the hospital doors far behind them.

"We don't. Not yet, not until he's a little better. Not until he…makes it through this. Not until he's transferred elsewhere. For now, we don't tell her, do you understand, Thor? This would absolutely break her. She must not know, not yet." He shifted a glance to his eldest who was sitting there uncomfortably and not quite agreeing again with his father's approach.

"Father, I really think-" Thor began but Odin cut him off harshly.

"It's late, Thor. And you don't think. I'm the adult here, and I say we leave this behind us for the moment until we have better news to deliver. Hearing Loki go through this only to-to… We just wait a little while longer. Everything will be fine." Odin assured, himself or Thor, he couldn't tell who needed to hear it more.

Thor nodded solemnly, hoping that wait time wouldn't be as long as he feared.

Maybe soon, this nightmare would end. Maybe soon, their dreams would fly free again.

A/N:

Heyyyy everybody! Sorry for the super long wait! I actually, amazingly, didn't really read over the entire fic to get the rest of this chapter written which is a first! I hope that you enjoyed it, despite (or because of) all the feels! My Internet is working pretty hit or miss at the moment but I hope to get this up the same day that I edited it!

Let me know what you think in a review! :D

Music listened to while writing: "Hold On" by Chord Overstreet

I'm hoping to get a few other chapters for various other stories written up soon too. Can you believe it's already June? Gwah! My Youtube addiction has been kicking my ass lately and I've been active on other sites (Twitter & Wordpress), I walked for my uni graduation a few days ago at the time of me writing this A/N, so that's fun! I may be starting a job soon which may help with the whole Youtube problem and hopefully allow me to manage my time better and write more! We'll see, haha. Hope you guys are doing all right! xxxx

Written: 4.19, 4.21, 6.1.19

Edited: 6.2.19