Distorted & Disordered

Chapter 22

**Trigger Warning:** Suicide attempt aftermath, ED Stigma, & feels

The room was entirely dark, save for the reflections of the beeping machines around him, echoing their cries of personal victories and the resounding, almost mechanical notion that he was still alive.

Still alive.

How could it be?

Tears sprang to his green eyes of their own accord.

He'd tried. He'd tried so hard but it hadn't come to be.

Why was this realization the most beautiful and tragic thing he had ever come to witness?

Sorrow blossomed within his chest, fluttering like butterflies wings against his muscles, muscles that were slowly being eaten away because of the amount he had been restricting.

When was the last time he had a proper meal?

And was he ready to face the consequences of his actions?

Not…not so soon, right? Right?

He wished he could swallow his tongue, choke on it and die.

How it should have worked… how everything would have been better if it had.

More tears filtered down his face, a darkness brewing so deeply behind his green irises, he was surprised the hurricane from within his skull didn't demolish the world around him.

There was so much yet he had to experience.

Friends, family, new movies, new music, songs to fall in love with, lives to be led.

He choked on his next sobs.

What if it had worked?

What if he had died?

Would his pain have ended with the end of his young life or would he be thrust into perpetual hell for his sins?

He wasn't particularly religious but he'd never had the time to figure out his beliefs before. Not before the darkness surrounded him and he had wondered in his final moments, in what he thought would be his final moments, that there was so much out there that he had yet to experience.

Because maybe there was more to life than simply pain.

That maybe, even in the darkness, there was light somewhere, being cradled, being held. Maybe Loki just had yet to find it.

He spent that night alone in the ICU, thinking of everything that had come to be and everything that had yet to unfold.

He had wasted so much time. Time that he wasn't guaranteed could be forgiven; time that he couldn't know for sure he had more of ahead. Thinking in this way made him feel stronger, stronger than he had in months.

He wasn't without fear, but he felt now that Ananias was weaker, now that his mental health had deteriorated so abruptly that he tried to end his life, he imagined there could only be brightness moving on from here.

And he would move on.

He decided it then.

Alone in his dark ICU room, being checked on throughout the night, barely getting an ounce of sleep, that he was ready to fight.

He was ready to fight for his life because damn it, it was the only one he was ever given. He resolved himself to get better. And maybe he was jumping ahead of himself, because the fear foods were still all there and when he woke up in the morning again before he was taken down to the psych wing of Southbridge Hospital (which he was incredibly terrified of); he had to come face to face with some sloppy yellow egg crumbles, a carton of milk and some terribly cursed slices of bacon.

He couldn't hide the disgust from his features but the terror in his eyes is what really set everything into motion.

"Are you going to eat?" someone asked him, and he felt incredibly self-conscious all of a sudden.

"I'm-not hungry," he supplied, then shook his head. I shouldn't be lying, he thought to himself.

He didn't know what to do.

On the one hand, Ananias was screaming at him how much of a fat pig he was if he even dared to enter a morsel into his mouth and on the other hand, there was the action of "getting better" ahead of himself.

He pushed the box away and mumbled, "I struggle eating."

"Well, of course you do, you're practically skin and bones!"

Loki, for a split second, wasn't sure he'd heard that out of the nurse's mouth or if it was just Ananias's power over him that it just sounded like she had told him that.

He glanced up at her and saw that she was looking at him expectantly.

He shifted uncomfortably, folded his arms and repeated, "I'm not eating that."

"It's your grave," she replied, flippantly and Loki decided in that moment that he absolutely hated her.

He didn't get the chance to explain his plight further or offer her harsh words of criticism before she took the box and left the room, paging for the boys to get this particular nutcase down to psych sooner than later.

Loki, in his bed, looked down to where he psychically felt Ananias's presence as he smiled a little at her compliment. Maybe he was thin enough after all. No one had ever commented about his weight before and he was slightly dismayed that it felt so good.

He sighed; he had a very long road ahead of him.

The older sibling awoke with a cry of alarm and haste when he heard the telephone shrilly ringing in their household as he'd stumbled out of bed three feet before face-planting onto the dirt and grime on his floor.

"What happened?" Thor grumbled out loudly, one dark gray sock lying atop his head.

He narrowed his eyes and pulled it off easily.

Father was suddenly opening his door and Thor only just missed getting hit with the back end of it.

"It's Loki!" Father shouted, possibly talking louder than he meant to but all that Thor heard was his brother's sweet name uttered by their father and got a flash of his younger sibling standing by his side, smiling and laughing. His stomach immediately dropped thereafter, uncertain for a fraction of a second if this was good news or bad news. He tried to brace himself…

"He's awake!" Odin continued, talking back into the phone then looking at Thor in a frenzy of excitement and immense relief that it left Thor dizzy.

"We can go see him! He's in the psych wing now. He'll be evaluated soon." Odin muttered a few other pleasantries into the phone before hurrying away, yelling behind his shoulder, "Get ready! We can be there before traffic hits!"

Thor's face contorted into a million different directions-emotions pouring out of him faster than his morning pee. He was happy, he was sure of it, between the anxiety and the relief and the, oh god, the relief!

He remained lightly skeptical, however. There was no telling for sure how cognitively capable Loki would be. He felt his heart clench inside his chest at the thought, oh how he hoped his baby brother would be okay.

He got into his pair of dark grey jeans and a Star Wars sweater faster than most mornings, heading downstairs with only his wallet in his back pocket and a five dollar bill inside his front pocket (that he wasn't yet aware was there) and was ready before he had completely brushed his teeth and definitely not before he had tussled his hair in the right direction.

Odin eyed him critically but shrugged, hurrying Thor into the garage where the elder man's car was.

"Let's go! Let's go!" Odin said, clapping his hands in a way that Thor could only describe as hilarious.

The drive to the hospital was practically a blur for Thor, but Odin had counted every rain drop that fell from the sky in a tunnel vision of immense focus. His hands had gripped the steering wheel tightly, his ears looking out for danger and his windshield wipers barely keeping pace with the amount of rain that was colliding down onto the glass.

He was relieved too, although he had held onto his own reservations as well. From what he had heard, it sounded like Loki was really okay, but he also knew how much he wanted to believe in that and how it may not be true, not…not yet.

Thor was oblivious to the pain that Odin was holding deep inside from having read Loki's suicide notes. They still lay beneath his pillow and he wasn't sure where he was going to hide them next as Frigga would be arriving home that very afternoon.

He wasn't quite ready for the hellfire that would come down upon him then, either. But for now, he stared straight ahead as the car ate gravel and he wondered, although ahead of himself, why Loki had acted in this way and what that meant for them all going forward.

He started to wonder about diagnoses but cut his thoughts off there. He wasn't a doctor. He could only wait for the professionals to make their own assessments and fill them all in about it later.

He let out a long breath and swallowed hard.

He wasn't so sure of his plan anymore, not after speaking to Frigga on the phone the night before. He knew Thor was angry with him, probably even angry at himself, and while he'd given him a pass for school this morning, he was still going to be hard on the boy so he didn't fall out of line.

It had always worked for them before.

It was only Loki that it hadn't.

And it couldn't possibly be only Odin that it hadn't. He wracked his mind for faults within Frigga before grumbling under his breath to stay focused.

Luckily, they pulled into an open spot as soon as they got to the parking lot.

"Cell phone, wallet and keys go in the bag." The Latina woman in uniform instructed the two helplessly lost and broken individuals standing before her.

"What do you-?" Thor began but Odin had already, albeit numbly, handed over his items and looked towards Thor expectantly to pick up the process.

"I can't-?" Thor stumbled over his words again, shocked.

Was this truly the psychiatric section of the ER or was this prison?

"No cell phones are allowed on the premises. You have to put these items into this bag and they're going to be locked up in the lockers. You'll get them back when visitation is over." She popped her gum and tapped her long, hot pink fingernails onto the countertop.

Thor nodded, mutely, and did as she asked.

She buzzed into an intercom, "Incoming."

Thor looked over her shoulder and saw a tall, slim man approach the doorway, which he unlocked with his badge and the box on the wall went from red to green.

"Right this way!" He added, cheerfully before taking them back into what felt to Thor like the back alley dungeons.

He glanced at father perpetually confused but Odin avoided his gaze, shaking slightly from the sudden anticipation and undiluted fear that was sweeping through his system.

"He's right in room two, I can bring you guys a chair," he shined a grin back at them and said before leaving, "My name's Scott. Just give a holler if you need anything, we're all at the nurse's station. It's not a big place so you should be able to find us all right!"

"Th-thank you," Thor spluttered, uncertain and feeling immensely confused and startled.

"You're welcome." Scott said as he grabbed a couple of chairs and brought them into the bare room.

The room was very white with shades of gray. A stretcher was in the center of the room, and a withdrawn little brother lay in the confines of many white and coral peach blankets. His green eyes were glued to the TV screen that lay behind a shield of plastic, preventing any wires from coming out into the room. A sign on the window, there were two windows to the room, stated that the room was under constant video surveillance for the protection of its occupants.

Loki shifted his eyes from the calming photographs of various nature environments as the TV played out soothing music line by line like a visitation at a spa resort.

He made contact with Odin first, then shifted to the blue-eyed stare of his brother's head peeking out from Odin's right shoulder.

"Brother?" Thor stated hesitantly, before Loki propelled upwards in his bed and cried out, "Thor!"

Loki thrashed his hands against the air around them, beckoning his brother forwards, faster and faster.

Thor immediately took up this offer faster than he had in a long time. He immediately came to Loki's side and hugged his younger sibling so tightly.

"I almost lost you," Thor cried into his brother's shoulder and even Loki was moved to tears.

"I'm so sorry," Loki apologized with sincerity.

They held each other for a long moment before Loki began to pull away, fearful that Thor could feel how small he had gotten now that he was in a pair of too oversized teal scrubs.

Thor had noticed, and he felt his stomach sink into the depths of the Earth as to why he hadn't realized sooner.

But Loki looked at him then in such awe and love that he let it slide for the moment.

"I genuinely didn't-didn't think you'd care," Loki's tears ran down his face uncontrollably. "I'm so, so sorry. I know that you do but it didn't seem like it was enough. I still wish-" but he couldn't finish the thought as his cries filled the room as a harsh reality to what his actions had led him to do.

"There was just so much pain that I was wrought in. I-I didn't think there was any other way out. I don't-" Loki's squinted eyes found Thor's and he cried out sorrowfully, "-I don't want to be here. I'm scared, Thor, I don't, I don't want to go." He reached out for Thor, then, and Thor let him cry into his shirt as he cried into Loki's, too.

"Mother would know what to do," Loki mewled, emotion crashing through his system all at once, as if they were making up for the lost time where they just didn't exist in his soul.

"Where is she?" Loki whispered, high strung and almost beyond reason. "Is she here?" Loki gasped, suddenly throwing an angry glare towards father's direction. "What did you do? Why isn't she here?"

As suddenly as the anger had come, it dissipated into thin air. Loki struggled to regain control of himself, wiping his tears and excess snot on the blankets beside him.

"I-I'm okay," Loki said, trying to calm down. "I don't want to get drugged up." He sniffled, regaining some of his composure. "I just… I don't want her to be mad at me."

Thor held the back of Loki's neck, looking his brother in the eyes, deeply.

"She would never be mad at you, brother. Not for something like this." He leaned in close and gave a small kiss to his brother's forehead. "You're safe here, Loki, you're safe."

Loki squeezed Thor's hand tightly, almost threatening to crush Thor's phalanges.

"Did you-you read them?" Loki asked with lingering amounts of shame and guilt as he stared up at his brother, essentially completely ignoring Odin's presence (as some things should be in the world).

"Read what?" Thor asked, confused.

Loki smirked to himself, but rephrased, "My letters?"

Thor's face darkened and he shook his head.

"I have not. Father-" Thor looked over to Odin who had his eye lowered to the floor.

He had read them.

Thor knew it the instant he saw him.

Of course he had. What was another secret to keep from the family? He'd been doing so well with all his other lies.

Thor tried to wipe the disdain and contempt from his face as he gazed back at his brother.

"Where do we go from here, Loki?" he asked instead, trying to quell his own roaring frustrations and not direct them unintentionally at his sibling. Loki had enough to deal with on his plate as it was.

Loki scrunched up his face in thought.

"I have to get evaluated. Then I get sent from here to another hospital. A psychiatric one." He clarified as an after-thought. "And then…I don't know. I don't even know what a psych hospital is supposed to look like." He said, thoughtfully.

"It can't be that bad, right?" Thor asked, although he had no idea himself. "There are worse places." He added, shrugging.

"Like a coffin," Loki agreed, laughing.

Thor was more than slightly taken aback but didn't say anything. Then he felt bad for not saying anything so he said instead, "How are you feeling, brother?"

Loki sighed, settling back into his stretcher bed.

"I'm bored out of my skull, Thor. There's literally nothing to do in here but wait for some other incompetent doctor to come in or whatever. I don't know; time is moving both incredibly slowly and all at once at the same time. I don't know how this is supposed to help me-placing me in a room where I have access to nothing and expecting me to be entertained with something else other than my own mind which is trying its hardest to kill me. I just…I just want to go home."

He took a breath, held it, and then let it out again.

"But for whatever reason, I'm still here. And I want to…I want to get better. I don't want to be here ever again. I just want to be okay. So I'm going to do my best," a look of determination flashed onto Loki's face. "I'm really going to try." His lips formed a thin line and he nodded his head, as though he were mentally preparing himself for a sports event.

Thor tilted his head at him and caressed his shoulder, "I believe in you, Loki. And when you falter, I will still believe in you."

Loki nodded to his words before he looked up and smiled shyly, "Thank you."

Thor smiled thinly, adding, "We'll see you on the other side." He looked into his brother's eyes and truly meant every word.

For the most part, they met eyes and an agreement was made so officially there that it was them against the world-or maybe just Odin's world-and Loki appreciated it more than he would ever admit.

Loki smiled, "It's good to see you, Thor."

"And I, you."

And they both continued to ignore father for the rest of the interaction.

With Thor and father having left, Loki curled back up in his stretcher bed after turning up the volume for the TV that they had so cruelly left as a button on the wall you had to get up and press. Frankly, Loki didn't really want to leave the odd coziness of his bed but he wanted to be soothed with music he hadn't heard before and amazing sights of places he dreamed he could one day be immersed in.

They had taken a few vials of his blood and a urine sample hours ago. They said they needed to run an analysis on them, so he let them have it. It wasn't like he had very far he could run to.

He had just figured out how to open the bathroom door before he met his reflection in the hazy mirror inside. He felt a little nauseous, which wasn't really anything new, but his oily hair and hollow eyes wasn't what he was expecting, if he was expecting anything at all.

He shook his gaze away and used the toilet, washing his hands in the cool water that sprayed out from six holes. He tried not to make a sex joke out of it but did anyways.

He got out and lay back down, falling asleep for a few hours.

"Loki?" A knock came at the door he had left open so that it was against the wall.

He stirred from his stretcher bed, trailing a few fingers down the side of his groggy and drooled on face.

"Yes?" he asked quietly, eyes finding a young woman with thick black glasses walking into his room with a chair and a notepad of paper.

"I'm Michelle from the crisis team. I'm here to evaluate you, can I come in?" She looked at him expectantly and he nodded once.

"Sure, not like I've had many visitors." He replied, softly.

She supplied him a grim smile before unhooking her pen and looking back at him.

"So, what happened? What brought you in today?" she asked quietly, gazing at him with her brown eyes full of soon to come understanding.

Loki shifted uncomfortably, readjusting his teal scrubs.

"I tried to kill myself," he whispered.

"And what led up to that?" Michelle asked politely.

"I don't know, I was having lots of thoughts about it. I thought it'd be better for everyone if I was dead." Loki scrunched up his nose, not liking the sound of that. "I was just in so much unbearable pain; I didn't think I could survive another second of it."

"Do you have any diagnosed conditions?" She asked, scratching her black pen upon the pad of paper. "Anything stressful that's happened in your life to cause these thoughts to worsen for you?" She looked up for a moment, gaze meeting his.

He felt…perplexed. If this was what a therapy session felt like, it was all new to him. He wasn't sure what to say-what even was the right thing to say? He was torn between wanting to lie and wanting to get help.

He sighed, gaze dropping to the floor instead, tears reforming between his lids.

"Not that I know of," Loki bit his lip, swallowing back three ounces of fear. "I have problems with eating and it's been getting worse and worse. The more I restrict the crazier I feel. I'm-I'm not crazy, right?" He looked back up at her with an innocence that only a child could have-a poor child who's been through hell and back.

She tilted her head, shaking it lightly.

"No, Loki. I don't think even 'crazy' people are crazy. Some of us just go through life with more difficulty than others. That doesn't make you crazy in any way, it makes you imperfectly human."

"I should be perfect, though," Loki pointed out numbly.

"Why is that?" Michelle asked, challenging his perceptions of the world.

"B-Because my father wouldn't love me if I wasn't."

"And do you require your father's approval?"

"…It feels like it." Loki supplied.

"And how is your relationship with your father?" Michelle asked, tracking down a few arrows and lines of thought.

"Terrible," Loki retorted with a sick laugh.

"What makes it terrible for you?" She asked with kindness and curiosity, her brown eyes quizzical as though she were trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle.

"He's very…authoritative. He feels like I should be more like my brother, Thor, but he doesn't recognize that we're two different and two separate people. He's always frowning at me but loving and smiling at him. He'll go to Thor's events but ignore mine, all the time. He's just very brute and an asshole and even when I hate him, I want him to…love me and approve of me and be well to me. But he's not, and it sucks. And I don't know what to do." Loki huffed, a large breath exuding from his frenzied soul.

"I do well in school-better than Thor even and that's with my help, but my father doesn't look upon my triumphs in the same way that he does Thor's. I-" Loki's breath hitched for a moment, having lost his train of thought. He struggles with his words before the thought returns to him, which he's thankful for, "-just wanted to be noticed by him, you know? I wanted to be perfect but I wasn't perfect at a hundred and twenty-eight so I went down to one twenty, and then one fifteen and even then, it still just wasn't enough.

"I went from doing phenomenally in school to struggling over basic tasks. I can barely make sense of math these days and everything is just so exhausting and taxing and difficult and requires so much effort. I'm-I'm tired of life being so exhausting. All-all I needed was a way to cope but, but, it's transformed into something else on its own. And now that I'm more aware of it, the more I feel like I shouldn't be and that I should be this way versus that way and nothing I ever do makes sense. It's just one thing after another and I'm tired. I'm tired of it all." Loki's eyes leaked fresh tears, hot and watery down the sides of his face.

"So I thought to myself, you know what would be great? Not existing. And I found my Grandpa's old pain meds in the cabinet and it all just kinda clicked. I didn't-I didn't attempt when I first found them, I just waited. And I-I wrote my family their own respective notes and then I just-just took as many of the pills as I could and something-something caused me to stop. I guess-I guess I didn't really want to die if I'm still here, right?" He sighed heavily. "And now I'm in a hospital when I just want to go home and never exist again at the very same time."

His gaze shifted back towards Michelle's slowly.

"Does that answer any of your questions?" He smiled weakly, only a small corner of his mouth raising and Michelle looked back at him thoughtfully.

"Have you ever told anyone all of that?" she asked instead, which wasn't quite what he was expecting.

"No," Loki murmured.

"So you kept this all inside you for so much time and thought it would resolve itself on its own?"

Loki side-glanced her and wondered where she was going with that thought.

"I guess?" He asked back at her.

"All I mean is: it's no surprise to me that after bottling up all these self-judgments and thoughts and emotions that it would bubble out of you at some point. Even explode out of you like volcanic ash." She pursed her lips for a moment. "When we ignore the warning signs for a hurricane and stay put inside our houses, what happens?"

Loki frowned. "Destruction?"

"Exactly," her eyes brightened at his correct assertion. "The same is true for emotions. The more we bottle it up, the more we ignore it or stuff it down, the worse the aftereffects are going to be. But instead, if we let it out in bursts here and there over time, the better the outcome it is on our mental and physical health. Does that make sense, Loki?" She looked upon him again, eyes returning with warmth and compassion.

He nodded his head in affirmation.

"How do you feel being here now?" Michelle asked, hands wrapping around her pad of paper. "Do you feel any worse or any better? I saw that you were in a coma for a few days in the ICU; you had a pretty severe suicide attempt." She noted softly, eyes searching his. "It sounds like you really, really tried to end your life and you came really close to doing so. I think that's a testament to how much pain you felt you were encased in."

Loki shrugged a scrawny shoulder.

"Not much better," he answered thoughtfully. "Does-does that mean I have to go to the hospital?" He asked nervously, wringing his hands upon the ends of the sleeves of his scrubs.

"Do you feel safe?" She asked instead, and Loki figured it was probably the same question as before.

"…No," he answered honestly after a moment. He had to think whether he wanted to say yes or no to that question, because he kinda knew where each answer would bring him but he remembered Thor's worried eyes and their ocean blue depths and how he'd told his elder sibling how he was going to try and get help. And if he lied now, if he lied about how he felt-would any of it ever get better?

So, he told the truth and he knew what that answer would land him, but he did it anyway, and he felt a shred of hope that that was the best thing for him to do, after all.

"How does it feel to acknowledge that?" Her voice asked smoothly, cutting into his thoughts abruptly.

He licked his lips.

"It's okay."

"I think getting you a higher level of care is going to be what's best for you. What you need now is stabilization for these thoughts to quiet down and for you to feel safer with yourself than what you're feeling right now. Besides that, it'll buy you some time to think about ways you can approach the relationships in your life and help you to find more healthy coping strategies. Does that sound fair, Loki?" She fumbled with her pen for a second before catching it again, jotting down a couple things.

Loki's heart both dropped and soared at her assessment.

"It makes sense," he offered back to her.

"Okay, I'm going to put in the order for that and we'll find where there's a bed for you some place, okay?" She moved to stand then asked, "Is there anything else you'd like to tell me before I go?"

The teenager had some reserves of questions but felt too afraid to ask any of them. So, instead he shook his raven hair and she nodded.

"Would you like to try and drink some water? I can have the nurse bring in a small one or he can start an IV to get some fluids into you. I wouldn't be surprised if you're dehydrated." She smiled thinly. "I really hope you feel better soon."

Loki met her gaze and smiled a little.

"Thank you," he said not only to be polite but because he actually meant it and she nodded before she left him alone in the room again.

He didn't realize until later, when he met the red-haired doctor who ordered for him to be put on an IV drip, that he really did need some water for his possible dehydration. He tried not to mind so much, as he'd been the one to forget to answer the woman's questions, but he fell back to sleep pretty quickly anyways. He had dark and empty dreams, and for that, he couldn't help but feel grateful for.

He'd strolled back up to the nurse's station, one hand on his IV pole and the other holding up his falling away pants, when he heard the news.

"They found you a bed!" The stocky nurse picked up their head in excitement, a smile beaming on their full face.

"Oh?" Loki asked immediately. "Where?"

"Twin Rivers!" The nurse replied, just as chipper.

"Where's that?" Loki asked, frowning slightly.

"It's about a half hour from here," they responded, fiddling with the length of their fingernails. "They should be picking you up in about an hour." They smiled again and Loki smiled a little, too. Their happiness was slightly contagious and Loki asked if he could phone home. The nurse agreed and told him how to make an outbound phone call.

The landline rang only for a half second before Thor's burly voice came upon the line.

"Hello?"

"Thor?" Loki asked, though he wasn't necessarily sure as to why. "It's me."

Thor's voice reached an octave higher than it should have.

"Loki! What's up? Are you okay?" His blue eyes hurtled through several catastrophic scenarios but Loki just laughed and said, "As okay as I can be. They found me a bed. I'll be getting transferred soon, they said."

"Oh! That's awesome! Where to?"

"'Twin Rivers', wherever that is." Loki chuckled a little again, even if it was more of an exhale than a laugh.

"Oh, never heard of it," Thor said more quietly. He paused, and then added, "We miss you."

"Mother, too?" Loki feigned surprise even though the words did surprise him. He still wasn't sure if mother was angry with him or if he had somehow failed her for her not to come running to his aid.

"Of course, brother." Thor said, and he wanted to say more, but he wasn't sure if it was truly his place. "She'll be home soon, actually." Thor let slip before he even realized it.

"She wasn't already?" Loki asked, disheveled for a moment, exasperation leaking into his voice.

"Uh, well," Thor began unsteadily and Loki's eyes turned to slits and narrowed fiercely.

"Tell me the truth, Thor," he said hotly under his breath, making the statement come across like a growl.

He wanted Loki to trust him, he wanted Loki to be able to tell him things, so he let the secret he'd wanted to get rid of for days go, "Father didn't tell her."

Loki's breathing stilled for a second or two longer than he felt was safe; "What do you mean?"

Thor shifted uneasily on the other end.

"Father didn't tell mother about your attempt. She…doesn't know. She only called a couple of days ago, so she truly wasn't avoiding you, brother. She just doesn't know yet," Thor answered, hands cupped over the talking piece, hoping the news would hurt a little less for his younger sibling even though he knew it was a flop of an attempt.

Loki blinked slowly.

"So…she's not been back from her trip yet?" the adolescent asked and Thor shook his head.

"No, brother. I'm sorry. I should have pushed harder, I should have argued with father-" he began but Loki cut him off tersely.

"You lied to me, too." He said in a thick monotone.

Thor couldn't judge his brother's feelings from over the landline but he feared it wasn't good.

"Actually," Loki said thoughtfully, "that's a little better. I thought it was mother who didn't want to see me and that she had ill feelings towards me about my attempt, but if she didn't know at all, than that can only be because of Odin." His tone took on a quiet hum, his gaze calculative and his speech distant from the whirling of his thoughts.

"Brother?" Thor asked hesitantly. "Are you all right?"

"Just peachy, Thor," Loki quipped, rolling his eyes. "I'll talk with you once I get there." Before Thor could respond, Loki hung up the phone and sighed.

"Family problems," he muttered briskly, turning on his heel to wait for his ride that was going to arrive (he hoped) soon.

He settled deeply into the cocoon of his blankets, curling up tightly and watching from the corner of the sheets what the TV played upon its screen. He hated it, but he shed a few more tears, although more out of hatred and aggravation this time than sadness. He was beyond pissed off but he realized he couldn't necessarily do anything about his anger here. Not…not yet.

He couldn't help but wonder to himself if this made his agreement with Thor now void. He felt pulled in multiple directions and he hated it. While his mind wandered away from him over and over, his eyelids eventually grew heavier and from there, he couldn't help but close them and drift off into a light, soothing sleep.

A/N: Why, hello there!

So! I hope you guys enjoyed this update! There was a LOT more that I covered here and I hope it caught some of your interests and that it was a feelings filled chapter actually longer than most of my others. :] I wrote the scenes before the evaluation out of a venting of emotion stance (which totally helped me and was very helpful, actually) and the rest today after some re-immersion and more but not as intense venting. I know everything may not be super accurate now but I hope it was still enjoyable and helpful in some manner! It's funny to see all the ways that this story features my own lived experiences. Also, I started that job and it was hell for the first day, so, here's hoping it'll get better! :]

Let me know what you think/are thinking in a review!

Thanks so much for reading! xxx

Written: July 5th & 14th 2019

Background songs: "Do Not Go Gentle" by Josh Woodward | "River" by Eminem ft. Ed Sheeran

UPDATED: For timeline inconsistencies, some added text and misspelling of my own character's name, ahaha. 4/16/20