Hermione grumbled loudly as she stalked into the kitchen of Grimmauld Place Thursday morning. Even if she hadn't Harry would have known something was bugging her by the way she jammed herself down on the seat across from him without a 'good morning' or coming over for a kiss, as had become their ritual. "Hermione?" More grumbling. "Love, what's wrong?"
"I can't believe I just had that conversation!" she finally said.
"Errr . . . huh?"
Hermione sighed. "Mum was waiting for me when I got back this morning. She wanted to 'have a talk'," she finished in air quotes.
Harry's eyes widened as his mouth went dry. It took him a couple of tries to squeak out, "You mean . . .?"
"I got asked point blank by my mother if you and I are being safe. And then had to endure 45 minutes of both a repeat of The Birds and The Bees as well as the 'I remember what it was like to be 17 and in love' speech."
"She thinks we're . . . you know . . ."
"Shagging? Barneymugging? Going heels to Jesus?" offered Tonks absently from the far end of the long table. Her face was obscured by the open copy of the Daily Prophet she had in her hands while she leaned back in her chair with her feet up on the table.
"Yes, to all of the above." Hermione's grumpiness continued to seep through, and she turned back to Harry. "I'm sure half of it was concerned mother and the other half was just to take the micky out of me, but it was still quite a ways to fall from how the day started."
That seemed to peak Tonks's interest as the paper flapped closed and the front legs of her chair landed on the floor with a thud. She leaned forward and let her elbows rest on the table. "And just how did the day start, my dear?"
Harry's face turned a bit red. "Tonks, I don't think that's any of your –"
"Harry woke me up by going down on me."
"Hermione!" Harry started while Tonks just chortled, going back to her paper.
"What?" Hermine retorted. "You know as well as I do she was going to hound us until she found out, and then tease us to within an inch of our lives. I just cut out all the in between. Plus I don't mind talking about this stuff, at least not with Tonks and probably most anyone else, but talking about my sexuality with my mother is a whole different animal."
Harry just nodded with his head down as his cereal suddenly became fascinating. Hermione seemed exasperated. "For the love of god, Harry, are you seriously embarrassed about our physical relationship? Embarrassed to even talk about it?" Harry winced, his head never rising in the silence that ensued. A moment later he felt arms wrap around his neck from behind and Hermione's voice was soft in his ear. "I'm sorry, Harry, that was completely uncalled for. I'm just nervous about today, and getting ambushed by Mum first thing didn't help any. Thank god Dad wasn't up yet, though."
Harry brought his hand up and wrapped it around her forearm. "I get it. And it's not that I'm embarrassed, or at least it's not just that I'm embarrassed." He sighed. "For years people have wanted to know every detail about my personal life, to the point it's not personal anymore. It's no one's business but ours. Not the boys in the dorm. Not Tonks. Not even your mum."
Hermione kissed him on the temple. "You're right. I'm sorry."
Harry smiled slightly before continuing. "We speak candidly about a lot of subjects, and have done a lot of . . . stuff . . . but really only talk about that . . . I mean, sex . . . in vague terms when we're trying to calm ourselves down when things get too heated. I guess I'm just not used to it."
Hermione couldn't resist the opportunity to do something she'd been wanting to for a while; practice driving Harry mad. "Only when things get too heated, huh?" she whispered, low enough that their other kitchen companion wouldn't overhear. "And perhaps don't speak as candidly as we should about it?" She brought her mouth right up to his ear, her hot breath only serving to inflame Harry further. "So you would call it an aberration if I were to say, right now, not in the heat of the moment, that I'm aching for the day when I finally feel you inside me?" Harry growled, and she couldn't help but smirk. "That I know, romantically, things are still new between us and we've been working our way through all the new experiences, but the day is coming when I'll wrap my legs around your waist while you slide in and out of me, then have you pull out and spend yourself all over my belly and thighs so I can see every inch of you come undone because of me?"
"Hermione," Harry groaned.
"Yes, Harry?" she answered innocently before nibbling his ear.
"Well, doesn't this look cozy," said a third voice and both teens seemed to lock up, having momentarily forgotten they weren't alone, before the laughter carried across the room. "Oh, don't let me stop you," Tonks continued as she once again had all four chair legs on the floor and was watching them with an amused smile. "It looked like you were having a very important conversation."
Hermione looked up at the older witch but didn't take her arms from around her boyfriend. "As a matter of fact, it was very important. Wasn't it Harry?"
"Errr . . . yeah . . . yeah . . . important . . ." he answered, desperately trying to suppress the images Hermione had planted in his mind as the witch in question took the chair beside him. Damned woman and her damned romance novels giving her such a damned vivid erotic imagination, and her damned intellect and her damned body and her damned mischievousness making her so damned sexy he muttered internally while fighting down his arousal.
Tonks just chortled as she pulled a scone onto her plate, but decided to take pity on the boy whose face was as red as a tomato. "So, are you two ready for today? I have to admit, I wish the plan was a little more . . . aggressive. That bitch deserves it."
"I won't argue that with you, Tonks," Harry replied as he at last relaxed, absently tracing the scars reading 'I must not tell lies' on the back of his right hand with the thumb of his left, "but this needs to get done while at the same time not letting on that there is any ulterior motive from our side, and without too huge of a deal being made of it. If this goes tits up and the wrong people find out what she got her hands on -"
"I know, I know," Tonks groused. "old You-Know-Who would be wise to us and the shite would hit the fan. And the Senior Undersecretary hanging upside down from the Fountain of Magical Brethren in naught but her unmentionables would definitely set off too many alarms and get people looking too closely, I get it. Doesn't mean I'm happy about it."
"I really didn't need that visual," Harry said.
"You could always visualize what I was talking about before," Hermione leaned in and whispered as she reached across him to grab a scone for herself.
"So not helping."
Hermione shrugged while waggling her eyebrows. "Your appointment is at half 10, yes?"
Harry nodded. "Scrimgeour said it would go until about noon and then lunch. Plenty of time for you two."
"Provided the old bat does what we want," Tonks said.
"She will," Harry replied. "Just do like we discussed and I guarantee she'll walk right into it. She never could give up an opportunity to fuck me over."
"When I'm sure you'd much rather have a completely different witch fuck you over," the Auror responded without missing a beat. "And over. And over. And over."
"You're incorrigible," Harry said as his head shook.
"I prefer unabashed," Tonks replied, popping the rest of her scone in her mouth. "But tell me I'm wrong."
The two teens looked at each other, both of them thinking of Hermione's comments from earlier. "You're not wrong," they said together, and all three laughed. Given the task they had set for themselves today, they needed it.
{-}
Delores Umbridge was privately seething as she made her way through the Atrium of the Ministry of Magic. Not only was the Minister meeting with that half-blood brat Harry Potter but the fool had even bent over backwards to welcome the boy to the building, complete with a glad-handing tour of the different departments and a press junket. It was enough to make one want to vomit, when proper wizards like Lucius Malfoy were locked up in Azkaban and that worthless troublemaker walked around bold as brass. Oh, how she wished she'd been able to Crucio him last year, that would have put him in his place.
What was worse, he had brought that Mudblood whore know-it-all Granger with him. Delores hadn't forgotten it was because of her that she'd been manhandled by those half-breed centaurs last year; it had taken weeks of scrubbing where their filthy hands had grabbed her before she felt clean again. Thankfully, Granger at least had the good sense to remove herself from the presence of her betters and accept a separate tour of the Ministry, administered by some trollop Auror who didn't even have the decency to have a proper hair color. Merlin, what she wouldn't give for more people who understood just how useless it was to pander to these people. All they did was make it harder for the rest of them to take their society in the direction it needed to go.
Delores was still grumbling to herself when she caught something out of the corner of her eye. Turning, she saw a sight that couldn't possibly have been right. Potter should still have been in with Scrimgeour, so where were he and Granger headed together? She stomped in the direction she'd seen them go, eager to give both a piece of her mind before having them go back to doing what they came to do so they could get out of her Ministry.
As she proceeded, however, she realized that the two seemed to be trying to navigate away from the more populated areas of this level. That wasn't terribly difficult; there weren't any departments housed on the Atrium level; it was mostly public conference rooms and offices for the security staff who checked people in and out when they came to visit. Hoping to perhaps catch them someplace they shouldn't be, or doing something they shouldn't, caused Delores to proceed as stealthily as a human-sized toad wearing bright pink can stealth. Luckily for her the majority of Ministry personnel made it a personal mission to ignore Delores Umbridge as much as humanly possible, and she managed to wend her way through the twists and turns the two seemed to be taking seemingly unnoticed. They turned a corner ahead of her and she increased her pace in order to catch up, peering slyly up the corridor they had taken in order to see what they were up to.
No good is what they were up to if Delores was any judge. They were about three-quarters of the way up the hall, Granger's back against the wall while Potter's hands were planted against it on either side of her head. Granger's cheeks were red, and Delores guessed that her embarrassment was causing her to speak louder than she meant to.
"Not here, Harry. This is the Ministry; we'd get into so much trouble."
"Aw, come on, love. Isn't that half the fun?" Potter answered coyly, taking Granger by the hand and leading her through a door toward the end of the hall.
Once she had taken a minute or so to make sure they weren't coming back out, Delores made her way to where they had disappeared and discovered a sign indicating a woman's bathroom. She put her ear to it but heard nothing, and trying the door revealed it had been locked with a spell. Luckily for the Senior Undersecretary it didn't take a brilliant mind to discern what was likely happening on the other side of the door.
Bloody deviants Umbridge seethed. Defiling our proud Ministry building with their wanton acts. Just like a half-blood and a Mudblood to show such disrespect. A plan suddenly formed in Delores's head. I'll catch them in the act. Hurl accusations at them the entire time they're retreating back to the Atrium with their pants around their ankles. Let everyone hear what they were doing, and their guilty looks and hurried departure will only prove what I'm saying. Scrimgeour will have no choice but to distance himself from Potter after such a public disgrace, and Granger won't be able to get a job wenching at the Three Broomsticks when it gets out what they've done. Her path clear, Delores pulled her wand. It took her a few tries casting the Unlocking Charm at the door before she managed to overpower the existing enchantment, but eventually she succeeded. Smiling in satisfaction at finally sticking it to the Boy-Who-Lived, she burst through the door, wand raised.
"Madam Umbridge," said a startled non-descript witch in the navy blue robes of the Magical Maintenance Department. "please be careful, the floor is –"
Delores didn't hear the end of the woman's statement as darkness enveloped her and she dropped like a lead weight.
"—slippery." The woman in blue sighed. "I had to endure 20 minutes of double entendre and sexual innuendo from the Twins regarding what I was going to use their Super Slip N' Slide Solution for. The least you could have done was stick to the plan."
A head with bright pink hair appeared out of nowhere, along with one now visible hand holding a leather sap while from the other a wand fired a Stupefy at the now prone Umbridge. "There, she's knocked out, all according to plan." Another sigh from the woman in blue. "Hey, you know what? Your plan might have worked just fine but wouldn't have been nearly as satisfying," Tonks replied as she waved the blunt weapon to and fro. Her accomplice merely gave her an aggravated look as she knelt to check on Delores. "Listen Granger, I was promised aiding and abetting not only in robbery but assault, and damnit I'm getting my money's worth." The Auror looked down at her victim. "Is she out?"
"Well yeah, obviously she's out; if the blackjack didn't do it the Stunner certainly would have. Based on this scan the latter was probably superfluous; if there was a concussion grade above 3 I'm pretty sure you just gave it to her."
"Good." A roll of the Polyjuice'd Hermione's eyes preceded a few more wand waves. "Does she have it?"
In response, Hermione reached around Umbridge's neck and lifted the gaudy necklace that had been hidden underneath the just as garish pink robes of the unconscious Senior Undersecretary. She undid the clasp and pulled it free before laying it on the floor. "Geminio," she incanted, and a perfect replica of Slytherin's locket appeared next to the original. She carefully placed the fake back around Delores's neck before standing. "Alright, now what?"
"Well that's easy," Tonks said as she pushed open the door to the last stall in the row, revealing an unconscious woman who looked exactly like Hermione's current form except she was robeless. "Now you get to practice those memory alteration spells you've been learning, and we alibi out."
{-}
Delores slowly came back to herself and felt the not-so-gentle shaking. "Madam Umbridge, are you alright?"
The prone woman slowly shook her head to clear the cobwebs before discovering that was a terrible idea as her head started to throb. She put a shaky hand to the spot on the back of her head that hurt like hell and felt the large lump that had formed there. "What happened?"
"I'm so sorry, ma'am. I had come in here to clean, and you burst through the door and slipped in the water," the other woman replied, pointing toward a bucket of soapy water and the mop gently scrubbing the floor beside it.
"Where are Potter and Granger?" Delores hissed, seething both internally and externally at the embarrassment of being laid out by some incompetent and her soapy water.
"Who, ma'am?"
"Potter and Granger!" she said again. "I saw those two deviants come in here not five minutes before I did."
"Madam Umbridge, it's only been you and I in here the entire time."
"Nonsense!" Umbridge groaned and she regained her feet. "I know what I saw." Delores then went to the first stall and kicked it open. Finding it empty, she repeated the process on the next. "I know you're here, Potter! And when I find you I'll make sure you never set foot in this Ministry again!"
"Madam Umbridge, please, there's no one here," the woman said again, approaching the other witch. "Are you feeling alright? Let me go get you a healer."
Delores turned and pointed her wand straight at the other woman. "Don't tell me I didn't see what I saw, you useless cretin." Suddenly her eyes narrowed. "You're part of this, aren't you?"
"Ma'am?" said the woman, taking a step back with her hands up.
"It's a conspiracy, that's what this is. You're all in on it. I'll have your job for this!" Umbridge screeched before storming out of the bathroom.
{-}
"I was glad to hear that you enjoyed the Manchester facility, Harry," Rufus mentioned as their meeting was starting to wind down with the lunch hour approaching.
"'Enjoy' probably isn't the right word for it, Minister. I spent hours getting my arse kicked by one of your Aurors," Harry quipped back, and there were chuckles from Scrimgeour, Robards, and everyone else in the room who was or had been an Auror. An abandoned (and conveniently 'forgotten') World War 2 Shadow Factory facility outside of the Northwest English city now served as a training facility for the Auror Corps so they all understood Harry's point of view, having experienced it themselves during their own training.
Seeing as how most of the magical population were now pinning their hopes for the future on Harry's abilities, not to mention 'Ministry Helping the Chosen One Prepare for Battle' was a politically mouth-watering headline, Tonks had easily gotten permission from Scrimgeour and Robards to test Harry on his fighting skills. She and Remus had worked Harry, Hermione, Neville, and Luna to near exhaustion in the two days they'd been home for the holidays. Both had been impressed with the level all four were at while also giving them tips on what they should focus on moving forward.
Their meeting was interrupted by an Auror bursting into the conference room. "I'm sorry to disturb you Minister, Head Auror, but we have a serious situation that requires your assistance."
"What's the issue, Auror?" asked Robards as he stood. Everyone in the room had tensed, afraid that some type of assault by Death Eaters was taking place.
"It's Senior Undersecretary Umbridge, sir," the Auror responded. "She's stormed into the Atrium wand drawn, screaming something about Mr. Potter, here. We've all tried settling her or trying to figure out what the problem is, but she just keeps pointing her wand at us in turn yelling that 'we're all part of the conspiracy,'" he finished.
Fuck Harry thought. That's not very subtle. I guess we should have accounted for a bit more 'crazy bitch' in the plan.
Robards's brows crinkled. "And all of you combined can't subdue her?"
Harry snorted. "Sir, I doubt very much they're not capable of doing so, but knowing what I know about Madam Umbridge I wouldn't want to be the person that Stunned her in the middle of the Atrium." Which was a bald-faced lie; he'd love to Stun Delores into a coma if he could get away with it; it would be a sort of poetic justice for what she'd had done to McGonagall during their O.W.L.s. As well as very satisfying. "She's a petty, vindictive, spiteful hag of a woman; can you imagine the living hell she would put the person who publicly knocked her out through?"
Scrimgeour groaned. "Harry, I understand you and Madam Umbridge have your differences –"
"Differences?" Harry shot back hotly. "Minister with all due respect; her detentions, detentions I earned for speaking the truth I might add, left me permanently scarred," he raised his hand to show the evidence. "She admitted to sending Dementors after me the summer before my Fifth Year and then tried to have me expelled when I defended myself and my cousin from them." Harry hadn't realized he had started to raise his voice to one of the most powerful men in Magical Britain. "She was a hair's breadth away from casting an Unforgivable at me the end of last year before my best friend stopped her." Harry finally saw the others looking at him and took a breath. "No, Minister, Delores Umbridge and I have something much past differences."
"Those are very serious accusations, Harry," the Minister responded somewhat tersely, "and to insinuate that Madam Umbridge committed those acts without credible evidence is tantamount to slander."
At the end of the day just another goddamned politician like Fudge Harry groused internally. "Fine," he growled aloud as he stood quickly. "Then how about we head out into the Atrium and see if you can convince your oh so well adjusted and not at all sociopathic Senior Undersecretary to put down her wand before she kills someone?" With that Harry, in his anger at being dismissed having completely forgotten the plan to stay out of anything to do with Umbridge, turned and stormed out the still open door, the adults following after a moment of befuddlement.
{-}
The Atrium was packed, everyone gathered around the edges of the large room to witness the spectacle. As Harry entered from the hallway he saw Tonks and Hermione appear at the far side of the room. A raise of an eyebrow at them resulted in a small nod from Hermione, indicating their mission had been a success. The head wiggle toward Umbridge however just resulted in a shrug from both, which caused him to sigh. Like most plans Harry made this one hadn't survived first contact with the enemy. Oh well, when life gives you lemons . . .
Delores stood near the repaired Fountain of Magical Brethren, half a dozen Aurors in a loose semicircle several meters away from her to prevent her from proceeding any farther. "You'll all be fired when I'm done with you!" Umbridge yelled, turning frantically and pointing at each one of them in turn. "Do you have any idea who I am?" she asked, seemingly rhetorically as she then proceeded to answer her own question. "I am Senior Undersecretary Delor-"
"Delores Jane Umbridge," Harry finished as he took up a post outside the circle of Aurors. "Yeah, Yeah, we all know who you are."
"Potter!" she screamed; seeing the target of her ire right in front of her was like waving a cape in front of a bull. "You thought you could get away with debasing this proud Ministry with your debauchery with that tart of yours, but I'm onto you."
"Madam Umbridge, why it's a pleasure to see you too," Harry began, unmistakable sarcasm in his voice. "I'm not sure what you're referring to, as this is the first time I've seen you or spoken to you since you left Hogwarts so hurriedly at the end of last year. And, if I'm being completely honest, I could have happily gone the rest of my life never being attacked by you again, verbally or otherwise."
"I saw you two sneak away for –"
"Delores, what are you on about?" the now-arrived Scrimgeour interjected icily at the nearly screaming Delores. "Harry has been with me since he arrived."
"And Hermione hasn't been out of my sight since then either," Tonks offered from their post farther away.
"Madam Umbridge," said the woman from Magical Maintenance as she approached, "I brought a healer to look at your head."
"Delores? Are you hurt?" Rufus asked.
"I'm fine, it's all of these traitors and instigators that are going to need a healer by the time I'm done with them." She turned her wand toward Harry. "Starting with you, Potter."
"Whatever, bitch," Harry said as he turned to walk away from her.
Delores was still feeling lightheaded and disoriented from her concussion. She was in pain and angry. The disrespect and dismissal from a hated enemy was the final straw. Had she been thinking clearly she would have let Harry depart; as it was she was thinking anything but clearly. "Why you little bastard. I'll show you what happens when you disrespect your betters. Cru—"
That was as far as she got before 9 Stunning Spells hit her; the six Aurors; Harry, who'd surreptitiously had his wand drawn the entire time; and Hermione and Tonks, who'd also pulled their wands when coming into the Atrium. The red beams of light slammed into Umbridge, who for the second time in less than an hour crumpled to the ground.
Harry pocketed his wand and turned back toward the Minister and his group. "You were right sir. Perfectly lovely woman," he said as he walked past them, Hermione and Tonks intercepting him on the way while most everyone else tried to sort out what had just happened.
Well, what do you know? Harry suddenly thought. I got to Stun her into a coma after all. A smile crossed his face as Hermione's hand found his as they moved down the hallway. "Fancy a bit of lunch love?"
A/N: Oral sex after less than a month of being together might seem a bit rushed for some, but it's my opinion that there's a marked shortening of the 'milestone timeline' in an intimate relationship between people who have been close for years. Plus they're teenagers with limited supervision, so . . .
I did contemplate having Umbridge wake up hanging upside down from the Fountain in her underthings, but then I threw up in my mouth a little and decided to change it.
Stay safe. And as always, thank you for your follows, favorites, views, and reviews.