Tuesday, December 3rd, 1991: 22 days left until Christmas
It was the most scared I'd been in years. I was frozen still, feet planted firmly on the snowy ground as fright flowed through my veins. I'm helpless. There is nothing I can do but look at those frightened blue eyes as they plead for me to help. Nothing I can do.
His breath trembles, his eyes are wide.
"Oh god, oh god there is a current." Lithuania comments softly, horror shaking his voice. I wish I could comfort him, tell him that everything will be alright. But that simply is not true.
The cold night air stings my face as I turn to look back at Latvia, who stands upon the frozen lake, cracks underneath him.
"If he falls in he'll drown." Lithuania whispers, feeling just as helpless as I do. I can't stand to see him like this. . . to think about Latvia dying. I take a step forward but Lithuania grabs my arm, stopping me.
"If you walk out there you will break the ice and you will both fall in." He warns. I look to my left at Russia. His normally indifferent eyes are filled with worry as he looks at the panicking Latvia.
"Raivis. . . Raivis, look at me." Russia says. Latvia slowly looks up at him, lips trembling. "Everything is going to be alright, okay? Just do as I say."
Latvia nods and whimpers quietly.
"Hand me that over there." Russia asks me. I look around and see a branch on the ground. I pick it up and hand it to him, struggling a bit with the weight of it. Russia takes it from me with ease and looks back at Latvia.
"Alright, I'm going to hold this out to you, and when you can reach it take it and hold on as tightly as you can." He says to Latvia. The poor boy nods quickly as Russia holds the branch out. It is a bit too short.
"I c-can't reach." Latvia manages.
"It's okay. Slowly move forward and take it." Russia calmly assures him. He nods and begins to take slow, delicate steps. His right foot comes down on the ice again and it cracks even more. He whimpers and reaches for the branch again, this time grabbing it firmly. The ice cracks loudly and shifts, almost making him lose his balance. Russia pulls the branch, successfully pulling Latvia to safety but casting himself onto the cracked ice instead. Latvia runs up to Lithuania and hugs him tightly, crying into his chest.
I look out at Russia and make eye contact with him. For the first time since the war those pale lavender eyes hold so much fear, and a pit forms in my stomach. The ice cracks again and I take another step forward only to be stopped by Lithuania once more. The ice cracks a final time, Russia gasps before falling down into the icy waters below.
"Ivan!" I hear myself call out.
"It's all my fault, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to." Latvia cries.
"Shh, Shh, it's okay, it's not your fault. Nothing could have been done. It's okay." Lithuania comforts Latvia.
"What happened? Where is Russia?" Ukraine asks while running up to us. Estonia and Belarus are by her side, running up to us as well.
"He fell in saving Latvia." I say softly. Ukraine covers her mouth and Estonia looks down.
"No! He could still be alive! We have to save him!" Belarus cries out while running onto the lake. I run after her and wrap an arm around her waist, pulling her off the ice and walking her back toward land.
"No! No! Let go of me! He could still be there! Please!" She pleads with me.
"It's been too long Nataliya. He's gone." Lithuania says sadly.
"Where do you think his body will end up?" Ukraine asks me. I put Belarus down and she embraces me tightly, crying into my chest.
"Well. . . The lake flows west toward the river when everything is thawed." I say while trying to comfort Belarus.
"Okay. Lithuania, take Belarus and Latvia back inside. Estonia, come with me and Germany." Ukraine says sternly. Lithuania nods and picks up Latvia.
"How far west?" Ukraine asks as they walk away.
"I'm not sure. If we are lucky, not very far." I answer.
We begin going west as fast as we can, scanning the ice for any sort of opening, any sort of sign. My heart beats faster the longer we can't find him.
"There! An opening in the ice!" Estonia points out. We begin to run toward the break and sure enough, Russia is laying on the shore, half in the water. I get to him first and pull him completely out of the water.
"How long?" Ukraine asks.
"Maybe ten minutes. I can try but it'll be unlikely." I say placing my hands on his chest and giving compressions. The only thing coming from him is a clicking sound every time I push down. I lean down and place my mouth on his, giving him a few breaths before starting compressions again.
"Almost fifteen minutes with no oxygen. . . Is it even worth bringing him back now?" Estonia asks.
"I'm going to give him a chance." I say before leaning back down and giving him more breaths. I can feel warm tears welling in my eyes and falling down my cheeks as I start compressions again.
"Gilbert. . . Maybe. . ." Ukraine starts.
Russia twitches underneath me as water starts coming from his mouth. I help him turn on his side so he can cough/throw the water up. He takes a few deep breaths and lays on his back again, looking up at me.
"Oh God, I fucking hate drowning." He says. I give him a tight hug and he wraps his arms around me.
"I'm so glad you're alive." I say into his chest.
"He won't be for much longer if we don't warm him up." Estonia says.
"Oh, yes, Edward is right. We should get back to the house." I say.
I jolt awake, sitting up in the bed. Canada sits up with me, giving me a worried look.
"Are you alright?" He asks.
". . . Yeah. . .I just had a memory."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I lay back down and look up at Canada.
"It wasn't all bad. . . I mean, it was probably the worst sixty years of my entire life, but there were moments that weren't horrible. Some were good, even." I admit. Canada curls back up next to me and I continue. "Russia can be kind, selfless, gentle, if he wants to be. He hurt us just as much as he cared for us. He'd lock Lithuania in an empty room for days at a time to punish him for the most basic of things, but he also taught him English when he wanted to learn it and got him illegal books. He used Latvia in disgusting ways, but would also give his life for him. . . He'd torture me but then turn around and patch me up, apologize. . ."
We sit in silence for a while, my arms wrapped around him.
"Are you nervous to go back to Europe?" He asks.
"A little. . . I'm nervous to see him again."
"You probably won't, not with America hanging about." He assures. I laugh a bit.
"Oh, you mean the guy who is scared of the dark? Yeah, I feel so safe." I tease.
"He's an anxious person." Canada laughs, "I swear he can be brave when he wants to be. . . And I want to say before we get off the subject - just because Russia was nice to you sometimes does not negate the horrible things he did. What you went through was traumatic, no amount of his rare kindness or clarity changes that."
December 4th, 1991
I live for days like this, when the evening is just cool enough for a light jacket and when twilight comes after seven. Ukraine persuaded all of us to eat dinner outside, stating that it's good to change things up a little and that the weather was perfect. I couldn't disagree.
"It was so embarrassing, I still can't believe that happened." Poland says, laughing with the rest of us at his story.
"Oh, it's not that bad." Lithuania tries.
"You should have been there Toris, it was horrible! I couldn't look at him for like years after that!" Poland laughs then looks at Russia. "Alright, you're up."
"Hmm," Russia begins, "an embarrassing story, I have so many, but there is one in particular that I still cringe at. It happened hundreds of years ago, when I was just starting out as a kingdom and I wanted to make a name for myself. Well, it was like the 900s, so what better way to make a name for yourself than sacking the city of Constantinople?" A few of us chuckle at this, myself included. "I got all of my ships ready with all of my best men and I sailed out to the city. It wasn't easy, perse, but I was able to not only make them retreat but also gain an audience with the emperor and the Byzantine Empire. I was, uh, pretty struck by their presence and I could hardly speak straight when I was introducing myself and making demands. Regardless of my poor composure they agreed to everything I asked for so, feeling a bit confident, I asked them to make me silk sails."
"Oh no." Lithuania says as the rest of us laugh.
"I know, but I was a child and had no sense of how anything worked in the world apparently. Obviously when we set sail for home all of the sails ripped and we had to carefully navigate ourselves back to the port and solemnly ask for normal sails. Theodorus laughed so hard at me. Not to mention a storm blew in and trapped me in the city for a week."
"Yeah that one's pretty bad." Poland comments.
"Alright little one it is time for bed." Ukraine says to Latvia.
"But it's only just getting dark out!" He whines.
"Raivis." Ukraine says with a hand on her hip.
"Okay." He says while standing.
"I'm going to start those letters." Lithuania says while standing. Soon enough Russia and I are the only ones left outside, watching the sun as it begins to hide itself under the horizon.
He is laying down next to me and I turn to look at him.
"Did you really dress your ships in silk?" I ask. He laughs and nods.
"I really did. But it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I got to spend more time with Theodorus which gave him time to convert me and make me fall in love."
I laugh at the wistful expression on his face.
"Aww, you got it so bad." I tease, poking the faint blush on his cheek.
"Oh hush," He says, playfully smacking my hand away, "You weren't any better when it came to the Holy Roman Empire."
"You got me there." I say while sitting up.
"I remember those big googly eyes you used to give him, my my you'd do anything for him, even if it meant fighting me and falling into a frozen lake."
"Don't remind me." I say while cringing. His laughter makes me smile and I sigh a bit sadly.
"What?" He asks, noticing my mood change.
"I fell in trying to save him and he didn't even try to help me. . . Just ran off. . . You were the one to jump in and grab me before I could drown and we were opposing forces."
He sits up and puts a hand on my thigh.
"It's because I'm better than him." I smile then laugh at his response. "You laugh but it's true. Anytime you were seriously in trouble, who would come for you?"
"I'm laughing because it is kind of true."
"Kind of?"
"Fine," I sigh out, "It is true. You are better. Or, have been better to me on average."
"Mhm." He lays back down in the grass and I smile at him.
As I open my eyes I feel a small smile come onto my face. I had forgotten about that memory.
December 5th, 1991
I feel like someone is shaking me as I open my eyes, until I realize I'm the one shivering. My vision is blurry and I feel weak, cold. The arms wrapped around me provide no heat, no signs of life. I'm so disturbed by the thought that I push myself from the cold, dead grip and sit up. Russia's lavender eyes look up at me.
"Sorry." He says softly.
"Why are you so cold?" I manage, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs.
". . . I'm sorry, you were panicking and I was trying to comfort you."
"What happened? I don't remember how I got here." I say in a shaky voice, looking around his bedroom.
"You don't remember walking in here?"
". . .No." I answer, trying to recall something to no avail.
"Gilbert, you're getting worse. You need help, help that I cannot give you."
"I'm not leaving."
"You have to, it hurts me to see you so sick. It's time you go back to Germany."
". . . You know how long it's been since I've even spoken German? I-I can't go back, that's not who I am anymore I-" His icy hand softly caressing my cheek makes me fall quiet.
"You'll be alright. I know they will be happy to see you and welcome you back with open arms."
"What about you? I've been noticing your weight loss."
"It's just a few kilograms, I'm fine. You are the one who is sick. You can hardly keep track of what's going on, you forget things that had just happened, you freeze up. I'm scared for you." I place my hand over the one he has on my cheek and close my eyes.
"I don't know what's happening to me. . ."
At that moment it didn't matter how cold I was, I embraced him tightly, slowly feeling the world around me pull away.
"I don't want to go." I mumble out.
"Go where?" Canada asks.
"Hm?" I say while sitting up from the couch in the living room. I must have dozed off.
"You were kind of talking over there, I thought you said something about not wanting to go somewhere."
"Oh. . . Where are you?"
"In the kitchen."
Sure enough as I get up and walk into the kitchen he is standing in front of the counter cutting up tomatoes.
"Can I ask you something?" I ask after watching him grab another tomato and begin cutting through it.
"Of course."
"What was it like for you? When you were forced to leave France."
His hand stills ever so slightly before he resumes cutting up the vegetables.
"Um, it was interesting. Why do you ask?"
"I guess I wanted to know how you felt when you were plunged into something entirely new."
He moves the chopped tomatoes into a small bowl before placing a zucchini on the cutting board.
"I see. Well I suppose I can humor you. . . It was very jarring for me. I didn't know a lick of English nor had I ever left France before. The ride to England was awful, I was incredibly exhausted, yet he insisted that I be bathed and changed immediately. He forced me to undress myself, cut almost all my hair off, and dressed me in a fashion I was not used to." His voice begins to shake and he pauses, finishing up the zucchini before placing a few cloves of garlic on the cutting board. He remains silent for some time before resuming his recollection. "He forbade the use of French, or any other language, I was only allowed to speak English. Needless to say I learned it quick during the two month journey across the Atlantic. It was the first time I had ever been to the Americas, even though I represented some of it. I was the fourth son born to a French noble family before becoming what I am today, so. . . Anyway that's when I met America. We got along very well at first, and for a moment I thought I could have some semblance of happiness in Virginia but then. . . Something changed in Alfred, and the rest is history. You were there." He says while looking up at me. I was there, for the revolution part. I remember France and America talking about freeing Canada from England as well, but after a few unsuccessful tries and America's General advising against going further we stopped.
"I remember. . . I was also there when France lost you to England, during the signing of the treaty."
He smiles lightly and turns on the oven.
"You were, weren't you. So was the Holy Roman Empire. He came to me after I learned I was to be sent away to make sure I was okay. He was a lot nicer to me than Austria was."
"Everyone is nicer than Austria."
We both laugh and that sparkle in his eyes make my chest swell with joy. I have to bite my cheek so I don't smile too much. But not for long. The place I'm headed with this topic is dark.
"I asked you how you felt because I remember how destroyed you were when you found out that you had to leave Versailles. I felt a similar way when Russia told me I had to go back to Germany."
He sets the knife down before giving me a confused look.
"What do you mean? He told you to go back to Germany?"
"More like forced me to. . . I'm starting to remember what happened just before I got back and. . . I didn't want to leave Russia."
"Why not?"
"I was content, I guess. . . And a little nervous about what everyone would think if they knew I was still alive. I was happy with living simply in Novgorod."
"Do you want to go back to Russia?" He asks.
". . . No. Being away from that place has made me realize how much I enjoyed being my own person and seeing the ones that I care about. It filled me with joy to see Germany again, and Italy, and you."
I notice the small blush form on his cheeks as he looks down at the vegetables.
"For what it's worth," he begins slowly, "I was quite ecstatic to see you again as well."
We talk about random little things as we eat and clean up after dinner. Eventually I retire to the guest room with what Canada said to me swirling around in my mind and the fact that we are leaving for Europe tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure I want to leave this place either, but I know it's for the best. I must be able to live and be on my own. I must be able to be independent.