Dear wonderful readers,
I'm so sorry it took me over a year to get this chapter out. I just haven't had the energy or motivation to write for this long. Please don't kill me, I hope everyone is still here waiting. I'm going to try to finish this book, because there is at least one more with Jay and Monroe I want to write.
Before I need to say before you read this chapter. So, please bear with me.
First, I just wanted to thank you all of reading and commenting. I don't think I could have gotten this far without your support. It really means a lot, more than you'll ever know. I take so much time and thought into these chapters because I want to do right by all of you.
Second, I put a prolog after the Author's Notes in the Author's Note – hopefully that makes sense. It's not very long, but I did my best. I'm pretty proud of myself because I usually don't do prologs. So, if any of you want to go back and read it I would like some feedback on it if possible. Please and thank you beforehand.
And lastly, I think this is going to be my last chapter I will be posting – again – for a while. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know I have be gone a year. This story isn't over though, so please don't bring out the torches and pitchforks just yet. What I'm saying is I think I'm going to try to finish this story before I post anymore. That way you readers don't have to wait for me to type up the chapter. If I push through and get them done, they will be all typed out. That way I can post them once a week like I did in the beginning. Knowing me, though, I'll probably get so excited I won't be able to do this. It'll be worth a shot though.
I hope you readers enjoy this chapter, and thank you again for getting me this far. Please comment and review and I will see you next time.
-M
Chapter 19.
A Brother's Confession - Another's Nightmare
The next week went about the same as that first day. The only difference was Jay had to go to work. If he wasn't at the apartment though, Will was with me and vice versa. I was never left alone which was nice. I don't think I could handle being alone right now. At night Jay would hold me in bed and keep the bad dreams away. It felt nice to be held like this and a good night's sleep wasn't bad either. I'd pass out within minutes of cuddling close to this blue-eyed man.
At the end of the week my apartment was clear for me to go back to, but I couldn't live there again not quite yet. I was told by Kim the locks had been changed and everything had been cleaned up, when she came by Thursday afternoon after her shift. She even brought me my new pair of keys – plus two extra ones which I gave one to her and then the other to Jay. I thanked her but also told her that I wasn't ready to go back. Jay told me I could stay with him as long as I needed.
By Wednesday morning I was able to walk on my own throughout the house. It was nice not needing help every time I needed to get up. The bruises on my face were slowly healing and my ribs were feeling a lot better – I could breathe and move around without always being in pain. My back was still killing me if I moved the wrong way.. Before I left the hospital, the doctor expressed the most concern about it over my other injuries.
On Friday I woke up around nine and felt well rested. Considering how many years I've worked with Dispatch it was strange sleeping as much as I had been. I felt like I was always late until I realized I wasn't working at the moment. Jay was already gone to work and I kind of missed having him in bed, but knew I was going to have him there that night. I had gotten used to sleeping curled up beside him and I was pretty surprised because of it. I never thought I would want to sleep next to anyone in my life, but with Jay it felt right.
I decided to get out of bed and get some breakfast. Will was already in the kitchen working on scrambled eggs, hash browns, and a couple of sausages for himself. He wished me a good morning and asked if I wanted some. I nodded my head and told him thank you. I sat at the bar and watched him as he worked. Like Jay I didn't feel like Will and I had to talk, so we sat in contented silence. Maybe that's just how the Halstead men were; comfortable to be around.
Soon enough Will set a full plate on the bar, while he stood across from me, and we ate our food. My stomach growled, so I didn't hesitate to dig in. I had to admit the Halstead brothers were good cooks. The first night I was here Jay made me chicken alfredo and I had two helpings of it. I, myself, could barely cook to save my life. I was more of a baking type person.
"So," Will said, breaking the silence, after taking a bite of his eggs, "I see my older brother hasn't been sleeping on the couch lately."
He wasn't looking at me, but I paused mid-bite of hashbrowns. I could feel my face getting warm which meant I was blushing. Of course, I knew that Will knew Jay was sleeping with me. I just felt self-conscious about him saying it out loud. Why? I had no idea, it was just the way I felt.
When he didn't say anything more, I shrugged and took the bite of what was on my fork. Looking down at my plate, I glanced up at him through my eyelashes. He was staring at me now chewing his mouthful of food, looking thoughtful. By the expression on his face he wanted to know more.
"What can I say?" I whispered, after I swallowed my food. "He keeps away the nightmares. It's a nice change."
"Well I'm glad he's finally using his room," Will muttered. "He usually sleeps on the couch anyway. I guess he thinks he can get up faster if he's sleeping there."
"What do you mean?"
"I've lived with my brother since I came back from Med school in New York. By this time, he was out of the Rangers, he'd served in Iraq, and took care of our mother while she was dying by himself, because dad and I weren't around. I don't think he'll ever forgive either of us for that… Anyway, from what mom has told me, he'd never sleep in his room after he got discharged from the Army. She told me the nightmares got to him."
"He has nightmares too?"
Will looked caught off guard and kind of guilty, by what he just said. I don't think he ever told anyone about this, because he knew Jay wouldn't want people to feel sorry for him. There were just some things men didn't talk about. I guess between the two brothers, this was one of them.
"Yes," Will said reluctantly. "They can get bad Monroe. There are times where he wakes up screaming in the middle of the night and ready to fight. Scares me half to death when he does. When I jump out of bed to see what's the matter, his eyes are wide open and he's looking for a gun. There have been times we have come to blows when I try to wake him up. It's hard to see him like that."
Oh wow, and I thought my nightmares were bad. I would have never thought something like that had happened to Jay. He always seemed carefree and happy, most of the time. Now that I look back at it, I realized I did see some sadness in his eyes when I stared into them; I guess I looked passed it. I knew most men who had seen wars had PTSD, but Jay hid it well, from everyone.
"We can probably take out your stitches today," Will stated, changing the subject. "I'll check them when we're done eating to be sure."
There was an unspoken agreement between us that we wouldn't say anything to Jay about this conversation, just with that subject change. I didn't want the younger brother getting into trouble.
"Sounds good," I agreed, still lost in thought.
Thankfully Will was able to take them out and, as I looked in Jay's bathroom mirror, I felt it was one step closer to being my normal self. There was a chance I would have a scar, but at least my curly hair would be able to cover most of it up. Hopefully one day I could forget what had happened that night in my apartment, but I knew I wasn't going to be able too. This was part of my life now, and nothing I do would let me forget that night.
-J&M-
For the rest of the day Will and I watched Lucifer on Netflix while we sat on the couch. For days, I tried to convince him to watch it with me. I was on the last season and wanted to start it again. He told me over and over he wouldn't get into it. Today he finally gave in, and after episode four of season one, I could tell he was hooked. Sneaking glances at him, I tried my hardest to hold back my laughs. I don't think he would have noticed, considering he was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, and his eyes were wide.
By five we were on episode ten, but had to quit because Will had his shift to go to the hospital at six. Jay was usually home around this time and I just figured he was running late. The younger Halstead brother called Jay when he wasn't home by five thirty. He was standing in the kitchen finishing up dinner – stake, a baked potato, and broccoli with mustard sauce. I was sitting at the bar again quietly, with an empty plate in front of me.
"Hey brother," Will greeted, after Jay picked up on the third ring. "Where are you at?"
It was quiet for a few minutes while the older Halstead brother spoke on the other line. Will nodded as he listened even though the person on the other end couldn't see him.
"I see," he finally said. "Well I have to get to work soon. Do you think you'll be back soon after?"
Silence fell again on our end. Will looked over at me and smiled. I looked curiously back, but he glanced back down at his food.
"I'm sure she'll be fine on her own Jay," he chuckled. "No one knows where she is… Do you want to talk to her?"
Once more the silence came. Soon Will nodded his head, and he handed the phone over to me. He rolled his eyes and I held back a giggle.
"Hello," I greeted, once the phone was to my ear.
"Hey Grace," Jay replied. "How was your day?"
"It was good. Finally got Will to watch Lucifer with me."
"You did? Really?"
"No!" Will yelled loud enough for Jay to hear him. "Don't listen to her Jay! She lies! All lies!"
We all laughed, and it was nice to joke around with people and not have to worry about them getting mad at me over something. To be honest, it was refreshing, and something else I could get used to.
"Well I'm glad my little brother is keeping you company," Jay snickered, after the laughter had stopped. "I do have bad news though."
"You won't be home till late tonight," I guessed.
"Yea, I'm sorry. We just found a few leads in the case and Voight wants us to check them out, before we head home today."
"Anything you can tell me?"
"Not right now, but Voight will fill you in when you start coming to work on Monday."
I wasn't going to tell Jay how much that irritated me because I knew he was trying his hardest. For some reason – way beyond even my understanding – I wanted to know everything about this case. When Jay or Will, or anyone else wasn't around it was all I thought about. Something about it just rubbed me the wrong way, but I couldn't put a finger on it. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't make it go away.
"Grace?" Jay called, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Are you still there?"
"Yes," I replied, shaking my head. "I'm still here. Sorry. Just zoned out for a bit."
"It's okay. Everything okay? With you, I mean."
"I'm fine… Uh… Do you know when you'll be home?"
"Sadly, I don't. Hopefully soon… Are you sure you're going to be alright by yourself? I can send Kim over to keep you company."
"I'll be fine Jay. I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. Like Will said no one knows where I am, except the selected few. I'll be fine until you get home. Besides, your brother has to work for a living and he has to leave right now. I'm not going to have him wait for one of the girls to come babysit me."
Will had been pointing at his watch with an apologetic expression on his face, telling me he had to be on his way. I held up one finger to tell him just one more minute and tuned back into my conversation with Jay. It wasn't hard to do really. Most of the time when he talked it wasn't hard to be pulled in. One of the many reasons why I enjoy our conversations.
"Are you sure?" he questioned.
"Yes dear," I muttered sarcastically, "I'll be fine, just come home soon."
"I will. Stay safe."
"You too Jay."
"Bye Grace."
"Bye."
I hung up and handed the phone back to Will who had an all-knowing smile on his face. Waving him off, he laughed at me and I rolled my eyes. Before leaving, he made sure I was okay by myself a few more times. I told him I was fine, each and every time, and would be until his brother got home. He smiled, gave me a friendly kiss on the head – which startled me a little – as he told me goodbye, and hurried out the door.
About five minutes after he left I was still sitting at the bar thinking about what I was going to do until Jay got home. I finally figured I'd just finish the last season of Lucifer. So, after making sure the front door was locked, I went to sit on the couch and turned on the T.V. Cuddling under a blanket, I settled in for a long night by myself. Something I hadn't had in a while.
-J&M-
Around ten, Jay still wasn't home, and I was feeling kind of tired, so I decided I was going to head to bed. Once I brushed my teeth, I laid down, and stared at the dark ceiling. I tossed and turned, on my side of the bed for about an hour. I was still tired, but couldn't seem to get comfortable. I didn't think after just a week of sleeping beside Jay would make it this hard to fall asleep by myself.
Somehow during this time, I was trying to fall asleep, I rolled over onto Jay's side of the bed. I grabbed his pillow, cuddled it close and buried my face in it, taking a deep breath in. Considering it was his, it smelled like him; leather, Lynx Gold – hints of kaffir lime and winter lemon – body spray, and Jay. It has easily become one of my favorite smells.
It didn't take me long before I was out like a light. Next thing I knew I felt someone trying to push me over. I let out a soft groan of irritation; this wasn't how I wanted to wake up. Somehow, I could tell it wasn't morning yet, and I couldn't have been asleep for more than a few hours. Why would anyone want to be woken up this early?
"Grace," someone whispered, "I need you to move over. You're on my side of the bed."
My mind was telling me it was Jay, but I was just too tired to register his voice right away. I could feel him gently pull on his pillow, trying to get it back. Sleepily, I groaned again and I held onto it tighter. I wasn't going to let it go without a fight.
"You need to wake up for just a few seconds," Jay chuckled, lightly shaking me. "Come on Grace."
Slowly opening my eyes, I glanced up and saw Jay smiling down at me in the dark. He was sitting on the side of the bed, trying to get in, in just his boxers and a t-shirt. I looked around, and realized I was still on Jay's side.
"What time is it?" I asked, looking back at him.
"Just after midnight," Jay answered. "Now can I get in please. It's been a long day and I'm tired."
"Yea. Sorry."
I let go of Jay's pillow, as I moved to my side of the bed. He got in and didn't hesitate to pull me close. I snuggled in closer to him, no longer hesitant about it, and rested my head on his chest. He let out a sigh of contentment and kissed the top of my head. I held on tighter letting out a satisfied sigh of my own.
"Glad you're back," I mumbled.
"Me too," Jay murmured.
"Did you find anything?"
"No."
"Is there anything you can tell me?"
"Once more no. Voight told me I couldn't. He'll tell you everything when you start Monday."
"Damn."
He chuckled sleepily, but didn't say anything. We lay there for a few more minutes, in silence, enjoying each other's warmth. It was nice having him in bed with me. Every night when he held me, I was able to sleep better than I ever have before. Deep in my mind I knew it would have to end sometime, some day, but I was going to enjoy it while it lasted.
I don't know how much time we lay there in silence, but it seemed as soon as everything was quiet he fell asleep. Not long after he was out, his even breathing, slowly lulling me to sleep.
-J&M-
"No," someone practically begged, bringing me out of my peaceful sleep. "No, don't open that door. He's in there."
What fully brought me out of sleep was being almost pushed away from Jay. I looked around, it was still dark. Because of the blackness surrounding me it was hard to get my bearings back for a few seconds. I rolled over on my back rubbing my eyes with the palm of my hands. Removing them, I turned my head to glance at the alarm clock on my side of the bed. It was three in the morning. This was not my night for sleep, I guess.
"No!" Jay screamed.
My head snapped back over to the man thrashing beside me. His eyes were closed, but there was a look of horror on his face. I rolled over, sitting up on my hands and knees. When I stretched out one of my hands to shake him awake, he jumped out of bed.
"Jay!" I called, loud enough so I think he could hear me. "Jay, wake up! It's just a dream."
He didn't hear me, he was starting to walk towards the bedroom door. I scrambled out of bed, faster than I thought possible making my back ache slightly at the movement, not sure what I could do, but at least had to try something. I stood in the doorway, blocking his escape. In my head, I thought I would have been able to stop him. I didn't even consider the fact that even in my good days, I was half the size of him and probably wouldn't be able to stop him. Of course, this didn't stop me from trying, but I did have a feeling I was going to pay for it, and I wasn't wrong.
When he rammed into me, to get through the door, he pushed me once more. My back hit the wall hard, and complete agony vibrated throughout my entire body. I screamed from the pain when I felt it, and I tried to keep standing, but my legs gave out. Sliding down the wall, I gritted my teeth as the aching feeling spread, waiting for it to stop.
Once the pain subsided a little I opened my eyes to see Jay looking around the house. His eyes were open now, but he wasn't here. He was somewhere else; wherever his nightmare had taken him. I slowly got to my feet and the pain took over my whole body again. I hissed through clenched teeth, but continued to stand. By the time, I was on my feet again, I was breathing hard from the effort.
"Monroe!" Jay cried.
I gazed up at him. He was standing at the end of the hallway, looking around frantically. He was still in his nightmare, and it had something to do with me. I deliberately took a step forward and another wave of pain moved through my body. I hissed again, but continued to walk toward Jay. He needed to wake up and know I was alright. Will was right; I didn't like to see him like this. I groaned again, when I saw him move in a different direction.
"Monroe!" Jay yelled again.
"Jay," I called out. "Jay, I'm over here."
If I couldn't wake him up by just saying his name, I could try to stir him by playing with his dream. Right now, he was looking for me, but couldn't find me. Maybe, he'd think he was getting close to me, if I kept calling for him. It was my only shot; Will didn't exactly tell me how he woke him up when his brother didn't try to attack him.
Taking another step forward, I groaned, the pain was almost too much. I don't know what he did when he pushed me, but whatever it was it screwed something up. My back was already tender, and I'm sure being pushed into a wall didn't help matters. I needed to get him to come to me, because I didn't think I was going to make it to him. Every step almost brought me to my knees, but I kept going. I needed him to wake up.
"Jay," I cried again, never taking my eyes off the end of the hallway.
I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it to him. I was in too much pain. A sigh of relief escaped my lips as I saw him come around the corner. It had worked and it was still working, he just needed to get closer.
"Monroe?" he questioned.
"I'm right here Jay," I answered. "I'm right here."
There was no way of knowing if he was seeing me in his dream now or not, but he moved as fast as he could towards me; taking me in his arms when we were close enough. The pain was worse when he pulled me to his body, and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. Biting my lip, I willed them away, wrapping my arms around his neck, and we slowly slid to the floor. This was no time for crying. I still hadn't been able to get him to wake up.
"You're alright," he moaned, sighing with relief.
"I'm fine Jay," I whispered, "but you have to wake up now. You're just having a nightmare."
There was still no answer from the real Jay, and I was starting to panic.
"Please listen to me," I begged. "You need to wake up. It's just a dream. I'm right here."
He slowly let me go, and I thought I had gotten through to him, but my heart sank when I looked into his eyes. They were glossed over; seeing me, but not seeing at the same time. It was like he was looking right through me. I let a few tears fall, because I did not like the way he was staring at me with no emotion behind his blue eyes. They were just glazed over. This wasn't my Jay; the one I have grown to care about more than anyone. My Jay wasn't here; he was far away. Somewhere where I couldn't get to him.
I slowly lifted my hands till they were resting on both sides of his face. His five o'clock shadow felt rough under my skin, but I liked the feel of it, and his checks were warm from him running around, trying to find me. I could see something stir in his eyes, but he still didn't realize I was sitting right in front of him.
"Jay," I murmured again. "Please. I need you to come back to me. You're scaring me."
There was still nothing, not even a hint of the real Jay. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know if he was still in his nightmare, or if he was in between them right now. Either way I needed to think of some way to bring him back, because I didn't like the way he was right now.
As I thought about what could wake him up, there was one idea I thought would work. Before I could talk myself out of it, I closed my eyes, leaned forward, and pressed my lips to his. I didn't even think about what I was doing at this point; I just went for it.
I don't know how long I sat there, willing for my idea to work, but it seemed like forever. I mean, I had never been kissed by anyone, let alone actually me being the one to make the first move. I had no idea if I was doing it right, and I was starting to doubt if this was even going to work. When I was about to give up and pull away, I felt Jay's hands travel up to rest on my cheeks; holding my face to his. He started deepening the kiss. I was surprised as I started kissing him back. I didn't mean for it to last this long, but it felt amazing and I got lost in the feeling of his lips against mine. My body started to tingle in a way it never had before, and surprisingly I was enjoying it.
Wrapping my arms around Jay's neck, I sighed with contentment as he continued to kiss me. I needed him closer in any way I could have him. I felt his hands leave my face, and move around to rest on my back, so he could pull me in closer to him; he needed me just as near as I needed him. Sadly, that was a bad idea on his part.
The moment his arms pulled me closer, is when I was brought back to reality. I pulled away from Jay, letting out a small cry of pain. The agony was back, and it came back with a vengeance. Tears were streaming down my face; I couldn't stop them. I closed my eyes tight, and took a few deep breaths. It helped for the most part, but my back still felt like it was on fire. The ach spread through my body again, but slowly this time.
"Grace?" Jay whispered, in concern. "Are you ok? What happened? Why are we in the hallway?"
I slowly opened my eyes, and the real Jay was staring back at me. His blue orbs were full of concern, as he looked me over. I don't know if he had woken up when I kissed him, or when I cried out in pain, either way he was conscious now and I started to cry more with relief. While he was gone, I didn't know how scared I was until now. Seeing him actually looking at me was the best thing I had ever felt.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pulled him to me and started sobbing into his shoulder. It took him a second, but soon Jay put his arms around me, and held my body close to his. He let me cry, but didn't let me go.
"Shhhh," he whispered. "Shhh, it's ok Grace. I'm here."
He didn't question me as I sobbed. I could hear the confusion in his voice, but he was waiting for me to tell him what was wrong. After sitting like that for a few, he moved just enough where he was leaning up against the wall. I straddled his waist before he could even think about what to do to me. I didn't want him to let me go.
"It's ok," Jay said again. "You're ok."
The tone in his voice told me he was shocked now, but he didn't push me away. He held me tighter and gently rubbed my back up and down. The pain was still there, but I was able to handle it. I was honestly shocked with my actions myself; I really didn't understand what was wrong with me. I never cried like this in front of people, and I never wanted anyone to hold me while I did it.
Like the rest of tonight went, I had no idea how long we sat there. When I was calmed down enough I pulled away from Jay, letting my hands rest on the side of his neck; I wasn't ready to let him go. I leaned back a little so my butt was sitting on his thighs. He let his hands on my hips, keeping me firmly in place. His eyes watched my every move and studied my face. There was that grove in the middle of his brows; it was always there when he was confused and trying to figure out something.
I just stared at him, making sure he was really awake and himself again. I knew the moment he started yelling my actual name that something was wrong. He only called me by Monroe when something was seriously wrong. In any other situation, he would call me by my middle name. I didn't know how much I had come to like him calling me Grace, then when he yelled Monroe. The pain in his voice when he couldn't find me, broke my heart. If I could help it he would never have to call for me like that again.
"Grace," Jay whispered.
My eyes jumped up to his. They were searching for answers for what happened. I didn't know what all happened either. One minute I was sleeping soundly and the next he had jumped out of bed looking for me. I didn't know how night terrors really worked, and I hoped I'd never see him have one again. If he did though, I would be here for him, trying to get him to come back to me.
"What happened?" he finally asked.
I opened my mouth to talk, but no words came out. I couldn't find them to tell him what happened. He had scared the living shit out of me and I didn't want to break his heart, by telling him what had occurred just minutes ago. But with the way I was having a hard time coming up with the words to tell him, it was like a lightbulb turned on up above his head. Maybe he remembered his nightmare or maybe it was just my lack of communication, but either way he seemed to have an idea of what happened.
"I had another episode," he muttered slowly, he himself looking for the words. "I knew you were hurt somewhere, but I couldn't find you."
Nodding my head, I could feel the waterworks streaming down my face again. He moved his hands to my cheeks, and started wiping the tears away. I leaned my head forward until my forehead was touching his, and closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath.
"I couldn't get you to actually see me," I told him, my voice cracking a little. "You didn't really hear me. I got in your way so you couldn't go through the bedroom door, but you just pushed past me, like I wasn't even there."
I felt Jay jump away from me a little, and I opened my eyes to see the look of horror on his face. I didn't like to see him looking like this, so I tried to pull his head back to mine. No matter how hard I pulled he didn't move.
"I'm ok, Jay," I whispered. "I'm fine."
"I heard you scream," he mumbled, ignoring me. "I thought someone was hurting you, but… but it was me?"
"No, you didn't hurt me. It was an accident."
"But I did hurt you. I pushed you and… and you hit the wall."
"Yes, but I'm fine. I promise."
"I can't believe I–"
By this time, Jay looked like he was about to lose it, so I did the only thing I knew would shut him up. I moved my hands up to his cheeks, grabbing his face firmly in both of them, and moved so it would work in my favor. Before he knew it, my lips were on his for the second time that night. I had cut his words off, before he could continue beating himself up over something he didn't have control over.
He didn't move his lips this time, but he still held my face to his for a few more seconds. Even though it was a short kiss, I still melted into it. His lips were softer than I thought they would be, but they were warm as I ever could imagine.
As soon as Jay pulled away, I wanted to lean in again to continue it, but I was held back. I felt rejected until I opened my eyes. He was staring at me with an emotion I couldn't decipher, but there was also uncertainty mixed in his blue eyes. I gave him a questioning look, not understanding what was wrong. Was I reading things wrong? It wasn't very often that happened to me. I was usually good at reading situations, from years of just sitting back and watching how people worked. Maybe it was because I had never been in this type of situation myself before that made it hard for me to read.
"Oh," I muttered, "ok. I see. Well then I'll just get up and–"
I was about to start standing from where I was still straddling on his lap, but he held my face a little firmer so I couldn't move from where I was, but he was still being gentle with me. This action made me look back at him. He had a small smile on his lips, with his eyes closed, and he was shaking his head slightly.
"It's nothing like that Grace," he said.
"Then what is it about?" I asked.
He opened his eyes again, and stopped shaking his head. His blue orbs were shining like never before. The shining looked good on him.
"It's just…" he whispered.
Waiting for him to finish what he was going to say was torture. I have felt nervous about a lot of things over my life, but this was at the top of the list. First, he goes nuts with his night terror, then I kiss him to get him to wake up, and after that I find myself straddling his lap, just to be close to him.
This was not me. I wasn't the clingy type, or the kind of girl to kiss some guy. I didn't know what this was going to mean for us. With all the spare time I have had lately, I had found myself watching Jay's every move when he was around me. When I would watch him these… feelings started welling up in my chest. I wasn't sure what it meant, but when I was alone I would think about what it would be like actually giving Jay a chance I never gave any other man before. If that's what he wanted. I had no idea if I could bring myself to give in to something like that. After kissing him tonight though, the idea seemed like a greater possibility.
I stared at the man in front of me, as he went over what he wanted to say in his head. He was being careful, I could see that. The wheels were turning and my guess was he was trying to word it carefully so they wouldn't scare me away. It was a toss-up on how it would go, considering how crazy my emotions were these days.
"It's just," he began again, "I didn't know I was still dreaming, when I left your lips on mine. Then you kissed me again just a few minutes ago, and I knew the first kiss wasn't a dream. It was a great kiss, but I was kind of bummed."
It was like he was confessing his greatest secret, but his eyes never left mine, so I knew he wasn't lying. I could feel warmth spread across my cheeks, but I wasn't sure if it was because of his words or the embarrassment of kissing him first. I was confused though; if it was a great kiss why was he bummed about it. What did that even mean? Did he not feel anything? I knew I did.
"Don't get me wrong," Jay smiled. "I've wanted to kiss you since the moment I got you on the dance floor for the first time."
"Really?" I questioned.
"Yes, really. It's been so hard not to, but I wanted to be the one to kiss you first. I didn't want to scare you away though."
I gave him a sheepish smile, as his words slowly sank in. He wasn't wrong about scaring me away. Who knew how long it would have taken for them to get to this place in their lives if Clay hadn't pushed Jay into her life. The bastard didn't even know what he did, and he wouldn't be happy if he ever found out.
"Honestly?" I whispered. "Until recently you probably would have."
"That's why I didn't," Jay confessed. "I don't ever want you to leave Grace. You've become… important to me. More than anyone ever has."
"Jay–"
My words were the ones cut off this time. His lips captured mine in a siring kiss, both of his hands back on my cheeks, keeping me in place. I could tell he was giving me enough control to pull back if I needed too. The thing was, I didn't want to pull back. If anything, I wanted to be closer to him.
I grabbed onto the front of his t-shirt to hold him to me and soon could feel the tip of his tongue tracing the outline of my lips, and somehow, I knew what he wanted. So, without knowing if I was even doing things right, I opened my mouth to give him access. There were so many things I had missed out on because I didn't date. My curiosity peaked a lot over the year, but not enough to let a guy kiss me. Oddly enough, I don't think it would have felt right with anyone other than Jay. So, I was happy I had waited.
Sooner than I would have liked Jay slowed the kiss down. He gave me one more lingering, peak on the lips before leaning his forehead against mine. We were both breathing hard, but I wouldn't have wanted to stop if he wasn't the first to break the kiss.
We stayed that way for a good five minutes, just enjoying each other's company and the silence around us. This gave Jay and I enough time to get our breathing back to normal. He pulled away and stared at me with a smile on his face, and I couldn't help but return it.
"So," Jay started, slowly, "what does this mean for us?"
The smile slipped from my face. I hadn't thought past waking him up when I kissed him the first time. That's all that it was meant to do. Like I said before, I had thought about what it would be like to be with Jay more than just friends, here a lot lately. I just didn't think I was ready for anything like that.
"Don't look so horrified, Grace," he chuckled after seeing my facial expression change so drastically.
"We've got time to figure it out. I don't care how long I have to wait. I'd wait for you forever."
The words coming out of his mouth made my chest tighten; in a good way, of course. No man had ever been so understanding before and willing to wait till we were on the same page. I still couldn't understand how I got so lucky to have him in my life.
The smile on Jay's face got bigger and I returned it once more. Gently Jay moved some messy hair out of my face with his left hand, and put it behind my ear. It must have fallen somewhere along the line. His left hand stayed on my cheek, and I leaned into it. I watched him as his blue orbs searched my face; memorizing it as they went. Soon they landed on the freshly healing mark just under my hairline. It must have been uncovered when he moved my hair.
I wanted to shrink away from him, or at least move my messy curls back over the line, so he wouldn't have to see it anymore. It was the expression on his face that kept me where I was. It was serious, and kind of cold; he was thinking about the things he couldn't control again. I didn't know what to do about it this time.
"He will never hurt you again," Jay muttered the hundredth time since the hospital.
"That wasn't your fault either," I whispered.
"If I'd just gone in with you like I wanted too…"
"Then he would have hurt you."
"I rather it be me than you,"
"Don't you dare say that!"
This conversation wasn't going where I wanted it to, so I was screaming at this point to get him to shut up. His eyes got wide, but he went quiet. I don't think me glaring at him helped any matters. He let his hands drop to my waste again, but still held on firmly. I took this moment to continue.
"If anything happened to you I would never forgive myself," I confessed. "You are the only person, besides Voight, who I can trust right now. You're important to me too. If something were to happen to you because of something I caused…"
I couldn't finish. Something about the thought of him hurt or worse at the hands of Clay… There were few people I cared about, but Jay had become the one person who I came to care for most of all. Losing him would make me lose part of myself. A part I didn't know existed until he came charging into my life.
He never took no for an answer. Maybe that's how he got past my walls I spent years building up. Usually when I didn't give a man the time of day, they would give up (with the exception of Clay, who turned to stalking me), but not Jay. He kept coming around until he snuck behind the walls, and somehow wasn't scared away by my attitude and stubbornness. Now that he's here and doesn't seem to be going anywhere, he's grown on me in ways I didn't know anyone ever could.
"So, you can care about me," Jay grumbled, "but I can't care about you?"
"Now that doesn't seem far."
"I'm not good enough to be cared about."
"How do you figure?"
I glanced down at my hand that somehow ended up in my lap. How do I tell this man no one in my life – except my brother – ever treated me like I was worth anything to them? Even my own parents, who were supposed to love me, acted like I was just a burden to them? He would feel sorry for me and look at me differently, everyone did when they heard about how I grew up. I didn't want his pity though, just like I didn't want theirs. I just had to get it over with.
"I don't figure," I shrugged, "I just know. All my life growing up I wasn't treated like Adam or my sister. They were treated with love and kindness, even when our parents split up. I was treated with anger and disguised. Even my sister caught on and started doing what my parents did. The only person who ever seemed to love me was Adam. Well he did until Wendy came along. Now I have no idea who he is anymore."
It was quiet for what seemed like ages, but out of the corner of my eye I saw him move one of his hands from my hip. It came into my line of view, and his fingers went under my chin to lift my head up to look at him. When I stared back into his eyes, there was no pity, just sadness and compassion. My heart fluttered in my chest, as he kept staring at me, making me keep eye contact with him. This man surprised me more than I thought possible.
"I knew you had a rough childhood," Jay confessed, "just by watching the way you acted. How you keep to yourself, and stay in the shell you think will protect you from being hurt by others. It's one of the many things that drew me to you and I promise, I'm not like the others in your life. I'm here to show you, you are worth something to someone. That you're important to at least one person in this world. I'm going to prove to you, you are worth being loved. I'm not going anywhere, so no matter how long it takes, I'll prove to you deserve to be happy and loved."
"I don't even know what love feels like," I whispered. "So, how can you prove something to me that I know nothing about?"
"I know, but I'm going to show you. One way or another you will know what it feels like. I won't stop trying until I do."
"Jay–"
Again, I didn't have time to argue; his lips were on mine again. There was no way I could think about anything else, but his mouth moving against mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him closer, enjoying every minute of this contact. He moved one of his hands to the back of my neck, and the other one snaked around my waist.
I was lost in him. I had never been lost in this kind of way before, and no matter how much my head told me I needed to make all this stop, I didn't want to go back. I wanted to stay right here with his man, who cared nothing about what I looked like or how I acted. He cared for me… because I was me. Even if I was rude or stubborn, he liked me for that. He liked everything that made me… me. Even my horrible childhood.
No matter how much I told myself everything was going to be alright, there was the other part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because eventually it always did when it came to me. This time it just might be the end of me, and who knew what that even looked like.