.

.

"His daughter is twenty years of snow falling

She's twenty years of strangers looking into each other's eyes

She's twenty years of clean

She never truly hated anyone or anything

She's a dying breed"

–"20 Years of Snow", Regina Spektor

(:)(A)(:)

To the Flame

Chapter #14: Battiti Cardiaci

(Heartbeats)

(:)(A)(:)

She doesn't sleep – she can't.

Her mind is too busy. In the quiet, it is as if all the little murmured thoughts that she distracted herself from before have become loud and obnoxious. When she tries to shut her eyes she sees memories, both old and new, printed on the backs of her lids. They all fight for dominance – for recognition and attention. There is too much for her to remember, too much for her to sort through, and they crowd around her until she begins to feel claustrophobic. She doesn't try to close her eyes again – doesn't try to sleep.

She lays with Natsu's pulse thrumming under her ear and watches the slow and steady rise of his chest. If she focuses on him then the other things don't seem so overwhelming. If she embraces the way his breath fans her hair, the way the callused fingers on her waist occasionally twitch, she feels more calm. She is still surrounded by stray thoughts and unpleasant memories, but with Natsu it is more like floating on the surface of the ocean and less like drowning in it.

She isn't sure how long she rests beside him, but if she had to judge by the change in light peeking behind his bedroom curtains she would guess that it has been longer than a few hours. Eventually she becomes restless. She feels the need to move, to pace. With the new blood running through her veins her body seems to thrum with an energy she hasn't experienced since she was alive, and sitting still begins to make her feel more anxious than at ease.

Carefully, as to avoid waking him, she untangles herself from Natsu's arms. He murmurs in his sleep but, after rolling onto his stomach, his breathing deepens until he is on the verge of snoring. For a long moment she hovers at the edge of the mattress, eyes following the strong curve of his jaw and lingering on the dark lashes fanned against his tan skin. At the base of his skull she notices that the roots of his hair are dark, and she finds herself wondering what the exact shade is underneath the pink hair dye. It is strange to imagine him any different, and yet she knows that at one point there was no pink in sight.

He is handsome, in a boyish sort of way. Somehow she has always known this, but only now can she appreciate it. Similarly, it is only now that she finds herself embarrassed by the observation. Quietly, she slides off the bed and treads carefully across the floor boards. Under her weight, some of the wooden planks squeak and groan but overall she manages to tread lightly enough to avoid waking him.

The sun is still low in the sky when she enters Natsu's living room. When she looks out the window the shadow of the building is shading a large part of the park – reaching past her bench. The only light that enters the little apartment is filtered, nothing direct, and it puts her at ease knowing she won't have to dodge sun beams for hours yet.

For a moment she stands, feeling awkward and out of place surrounded by things that are not her own. She is a mere guest in his house, and the etiquette that she was taught as a child – though rusty – has not been forgotten. She debates on whether it is appropriate for her to make use of his furniture without his invitation, but decides that Natsu would want for her to be comfortable.

She sits stiffly on the couch, her hands folded neatly in her lap as her eyes dart around the room. It hasn't changed – not really – but there are so many little treasures crowding his bookshelves that she feels like she discovers something new the longer she looks. Eventually her eyes land on the familiar red book placed haphazardly on the small rickety side table – almost teetering on the edge – and finds herself reaching for it before she can dissuade herself.

Her fingers trace the title, smiling as the faded gold lettering stares back up at her. Once Upon A Time ... She should have known that Natsu's favorite book would be one of fairy tales.

She opens the cover, fingering the edges of the delicate pages as her eyes drink in the printed words. She reads story after story, tale after tale. Some are humorous, others are full of adventure. Nearly all of them end with 'happily ever after' – even the ones that don't say it in words. By the time she hears Natsu stirring on the other side of the wall she is more than half way through and the sun outside has shifted dramatically.

His feet shuffle into the hallway, steps uncoordinated and heavy. "Luce?" he mumbles, his voice stained with sleep and half remembered dreams. When he sees her on the couch something in him seems to relax. "Whatcha doin?"

She shrugs, feeling self conscious under his lazy stare. "I couldn't sleep."

He blinks a few times, as if to clear them. "Oh. Ok then." He rubs the grit out of eyes and yawns so wide that she can hear his jaw popping from across the room. "You hungry?" Immediately, she shakes her head and is rewarded with a sleepy glare. "Luce..."

It takes her a moment to place why he is using such a warning tone with her. When she does, she gives him a small, yet sincere, smile. "It doesn't work that way for us."

He seems skeptical. When she considers how long she has been hungry and how long it took for him to realize, she doesn't altogether blame him. "Yeah, but you still gotta eat."

"Not as often." She doesn't know when she will feel the stirrings of hunger again. She only knows that it will likely be closer to weeks than days. The older her kind becomes the less they need to feed. Their bodies – their corpses – adjust and evolve to make them more efficient. Even the newly turned only feel the need to fill their bellies once a week – anything more is a mix of gluttony and blood lust. Someone as old as Maurd Greer could probably go an entire year – maybe even longer – without feeling the pangs of hunger.

It is a small mercy, but it is one of the few that her kind offers.

The bridge of his nose crinkles. "Really?" When she nods he shifts his weight, hand scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. "Alright, I guess. You'll tell me when you are, right?"

She gifts him with a small smile. "I promise."

He releases a long breath, tension easing from his shoulders. "Ok, well, I'm going to make some eggs. You want the tv on?"

She shakes her head, fingering the edges of the book on her lap. "No, I am happy reading."

His eyes land on the open pages, recognition lighting his gaze and a lopsided smile dimpling his cheeks. "That's my favorite you know."

Her mouth curves wistfully. "Yes, I can see why."

He shuffles through one of the lower kitchen cabinets, and for a moment the room is filled with the clanging of pots and pans. "Why don't you read it out loud?" He suggests loudly, voice rising over the noise. A second later he gives a triumphant shout. "Ha! Here is is!" He waves a medium sized pan for her to see. "Thing is older than I am, but I swear it makes the best scrambled eggs!"

She smiles, eyes drifting back to the story on her lap. There is something nostalgic in his request, and as her voice brings life to the words on the page she can't help but think of warm summer nights and the feeling of her worn wooden bench beneath her. It is different – the story she tells is not her own and Natsu is busy hovering over the stove with eggs sizzling in the pan instead of resting beside her – but the feeling of contentment is the same.

Soon he is clicking off the burner and scraping his breakfast onto a clean plate while she reads the ending paragraph. By the time he sits beside her the story has ended, but instead of turning the page she finds herself glancing curiously at his plate. The smell of eggs, tinted with butter and a dash of pepper, doesn't make her stomach stir hungrily like it would if she were still human, but she is surprised to find that it doesn't seem altogether unappetizing either.

Natsu must notice her gaze because he holds out the fork to her, speaking around a mouthful of food. "Want some?"

She shakes her head, though her eyes linger curiously on the offered utensil. "We don't need human food," she murmurs.

He shrugs. "Yeah, but doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. Right?" She remains silent and suddenly his face falls and the warmth in his eyes dims into something that looks like pity. "Oh," he breathes, the fork clinking as he rests it on the plate. "That's why you didn't want the pizza, isn't it?"

She tucks a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear. "I... don't know." She tries to remember if the pizza had the same effect as his eggs now, but can't quite grasp the memory. She remembers that the thing he called a Cheeto tasted like ash – dry and hard to swallow – but all her senses had been dulled by her hunger. Since feeding everything has become sharper – her sense of smell, of sight, of touch. Perhaps taste has changed as well? "May I try?"

He fumbles, eagerly handing her the fork. "Yeah. Yeah, of course. Here."

Her fingers gently grasp the utensil, and she spears one of the smaller cluster of eggs gingerly. When she brings it to her lips she is half expecting that she will be delivered with the same results as his favorite cheese flavored snack, and finds herself pleasantly surprised when the food hits her tongue.

Natsu eyes her eagerly. "Well?"

She chews thoughtfully. There is a definite lack of the ashy taste she experienced the last time she ate his food, but it isn't exactly... right, either. The taste is there, stirring up memories of the grand breakfasts she would consume when she was alive, but it is muted. She has to concentrate in order to appreciate the taste. She swallows the small morsel, fork still balancing between her fingers. "It... It isn't the same," she admits, "but it isn't bad either. Just... bland."

He blinks, as if processing the information before a wide smile crinkles the corners of his eyes. "Just a sec!" He gets up from the couch, handing her the plate before she can protest and all but jogs to into the kitchen. Opening the cabinet beside the stove, he shuffles various containers around before pulling out a bottle of red sauce that she doesn't recognize. A moment later he is drizzling the sauce over the plate of eggs and she gets a strong whiff of chili.

She watches, curious. "What is it?"

The excited grin is still plastered to his face when he answers. "Sriracha! It's a chili sauce. Try it! I eat it on eggs all the time!"

She frowns, looking up at him questioningly. "Why didn't you this time?"

He pauses, seeming to fumble for words. "Ah, well, I don't know." He shrugs. "I figured in case you changed your mind and wanted some..."

She gives him an appreciative smile, but hesitates before reaching for another bite. She remembers that she wasn't particularly fond of spicy food when she was alive, but she understands Natsu's reasoning. If the eggs taste muted when plain then adding the chili sauce could give it the flavor it is lacking. Cautiously, she brings the morsel to her mouth. Again, the taste of the egg is muted, but the Sriracha gives it a bite of flavor that wasn't there before.

"What do you think?"

Looking up, she sees the hopeful, expectant look on his face and swallows the meager bite. "I can taste it much better, but I don't think it is my favorite," she answers honestly, offering the plate back to him with a smile. "Besides, you are still hungry." She can tell. Unlike most, she is not deaf to the empty gurgling of his stomach.

He takes it from her without complaint, making himself comfortable on the seat cushion next to her and propping his bare feet up on the coffee table. "No argument there," he quips, sending her a bright smile and taking a large bite. "But maybe next time I'll make some extra?" he suggests around a mouthful of egg. "I can add some more pepper or something so you can taste it better!"

She has the urge to remind him that it is impolite to speak with his mouth full, but tramps it down. She doesn't know much about the kind of society that he lives in, but she can tell from his apartment alone that it is the polar opposite of what she grew up in. Instead she gives him a soft smile. "I would like that."

It seems like it should be impossible, but somehow his grin widens. "I can–" The hard rap of knuckles against his apartment door cuts him off, and for a moment Natsu's brow furrows in confusion. When the person on the other side grumbles something unintelligible and pushes the broken door aside with her shoulder, his face quickly pales in what Lucy could only describe as horror. Before she can ask who it is, he is jumping off the couch and rushing towards the door.

The woman is tall – taller than Natsu even – and as she glares down at him Lucy can understand why he would be nervous around her. She is older. Silver peeks out from underneath what seems to by the same brand and color of hair dye that Natsu uses, and the deep set wrinkles along her forehead and lips give the impression that she is a woman that frowns more often than she smiles. When she speaks, it is with a edge of warning that makes the young man's spine go stiff. "Natsu. What have you done now?" she asks, dark eyes flitting back towards the splintered door frame.

He rubs the back of his neck, giving her a nervous smile. "Ah, well, it was all Gray. I swear."

She makes a humming sound in the back of her throat, one that clearly conveys her skepticism. However, instead pursuing the matter further, her gaze travels to Lucy. "This is the girl?"

Every muscle in his body seems to tense and, even from across the room, she can hear his pulse quicken. "Uh, yeah, but we figured it all out! She's totally fine now!"

The older woman ignores him, despite the fact that he is on her heels as she strides into the living area. With a hint of authority, she places her bag on the coffee table just next to Natsu's abandoned plate. "Can you understand me?" she asks. Baffled by the question, Lucy nods mutely. "Good. Stand up then so I can get a look at you. These knees aren't what they used to be."

Suddenly Lucy realizes why Natsu is so horrified by this woman being there – the evidence is hanging around her neck, just peaking out from underneath her black trench coat.

A stethoscope.

This woman is a doctor. Natsu's doctor – the one he called before he understood what she is. The one she agreed to see when she was too starved to know better.

The elderly woman in front of her gives her an evaluating stare. Behind her Natsu is pacing restlessly and sending worried, anxious glances that only Lucy can see. Numbly, she does as she is told, if only because she can't think of a way to escape. The way Natsu's heart jumps tells her that he doesn't know what to do either.

He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. "Really Porly, I'm sorry I forgot to call you, but Lucy's fine now! So, you know, an exam really isn't –"

She doesn't even let him finish. "You called me in the dead of night," she drones, fishing a small flashlight out of her pocket and shining the light into her patient's right eye. Lucy refrains from flinching in response, though she can't help but balk when the woman proceeds to keep her from blinking by holding her eyelids open. "Insisting that something is terribly wrong, and you expect me to just leave? Honestly, I may despise people, but I am a doctor."

"But–"

"Natsu," the tone she uses is sharp, threatening, and leaves no room for argument. "Not another word." Natsu goes quiet, but over the woman's shoulder Lucy can see the way his hands twitch anxiously at his sides. His heart beat is elevated. If she were close enough to place her hand against his chest she thinks she could feel it pounding against his ribs. He is nervous, but the tight smile he gives her is meant to assure her. She tries to remember that this is a woman that Natsu trusts, tries to tell herself that if she finds out her condition than it is no different than Gray knowing.

Except it is.

She had faith, no matter how unfounded, that Gray was the same kind of man as his father. She trusted that once he knew he wouldn't try to use or hurt her. Lucy has no such reassurances for the woman placing the cold metal stethoscope to her upper chest. She is a doctor – a woman of science and knowledge. Lucy has read Frankenstein, has heard the stories of the Elephant Man, and knows that people of science can too often be blinded by the pursuit of knowledge to think of the person – of the monster – underneath. She does not want to be the next medical miracle – does not want to become the side show attraction.

She would starve first.

The woman pulls back, hanging her stethoscope over her neck before proceeding to prod at her patient's neck, just under her jaw. "Are you having any pain? Headaches? Nausea?"

Lucy starts to shake her head but receives an annoyed look, so she answers with words instead. "No."

Porlyusica hums in distracted acknowledgment of her answers. "Natsu tells me that you were acting strangely – that you couldn't remember things. Is that right?"

Lucy hesitates, seeing Natsu anxiously rubbing a palm over his face and mumbling curses under his breath so softly that she knows only she can hear. "Yes," she admits carefully, "but I am better now."

The eyes staring her down are sharp, leaving no room for lies. "Are you using any drugs recreationally?"

Her answer is immediate. "No." She doesn't even know if it would work for her kind.

Porlyusica nods approvingly, her hands dropping from Lucy's neck. "Are you on any prescription medication?"

She shakes her head.

An eyebrow raises, seeming skeptical. "Not even birth control?"

Lucy hears Natsu choke, and a glance over the woman's shoulder shows him bringing a fist to his chest as he tries to regain his breath. "Porly," he wheezes, "that's not –"

Her eyes snap to his, gaze dark and tone threatening. "I don't believe I asked you, Natsu."

He freezes under her stare, his mouth opening to give some sort of retort. Lucy answers before he can get himself into even more trouble with the older woman. "No," she murmurs, feeling a ache in her chest at the admittance. She tries to distract herself from the obvious truth hiding behind her simple answer – avoids confronting the fact that she will never need such a prescription. "I don't take any medications."

The doctor eyes her thoughtfully before sighing and beginning to pack her stethoscope and flashlight into her bag. "Your responses and heart seem fine, but your symptoms are concerning. I won't be able to tell you much more without blood work and testing. I would highly advice that you go in."

Lucy shakes her head. She is relieved that Natsu's friend hasn't found anything abnormal, but she won't take the risk of letting another doctor or their machines come near her. "I am fine now."

Porlyusica snorts, a small sound that still manages to seem refined. "These aren't symptoms to be taken lightly. It could be something as simple as a drug reaction or as complicated as a brain tumor. We won't know unless you get the necessary testing."

"Thank you for your concern," Lucy says carefully, "But I really am fine now. I..." she pauses, debating on how much information is too much. "I was only hungry. I hadn't eaten."

The doctor stares, and Lucy feels as if every layer of defense is being stripped away from her. She is being looked at too closely, too thoroughly. "How old are you?"

Lucy blinks. She hasn't been asked that question since before she had died, but she finds herself answering before she can think better of it. "Seventeen."

Porly stills, her voice controlled as she gives Natsu a cold look over her shoulder. "She's a minor?"

He fumbles, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly. His eyes are not trained on his family friend though, they are trained on her. They burn with a heavy sadness, a horror, and Lucy knows that he understands what she meant by her answer. She was seventeen when she died – as far as she is concerned she will always be seventeen. Because, as far as she is concerned, age is measured in years lived.

Porly gives an aggravated sigh, snapping her bag closed. "Idiot. You realize that as a doctor this is the sort of thing I'm required to report, don't you?"

Natsu's eyes snap to hers, shoulders tensing. "It isn't like that."

She raises a thin eyebrow. "No? She just happens to be staying in your apartment, in your clothing?" She huffs, "Honestly, what kind of fool do you take me for?"

Natsu's face flushes, though Lucy can't be sure if it is all from embarrassment. "I said, it isn't like that!" he hisses, hands clenching at his sides. "So there isn't anything to report!"

"So you have legal guardianship over her then?" she snaps. "Because if you don't then in the eyes of the law you have kidnapped this girl!"

Natsu goes quiet, the redness in his cheeks quickly draining and leaving him pale. "But–"

Understanding the implications of the doctor's words, Lucy feels a shiver of panic run through her. She should have been more thoughtful in her answer – she should have tacked on that extra year – but she hadn't even thought of the legalities. Laws are not something that her kind follow. They exist outside of any rules the living have laid down. "I'm homeless," she blurts, desperate to make things right. "Natsu invited me to stay with him." It is a true enough statement that she doesn't feel that it is a lie at all. The abandoned hotel she stays in houses her, saves her from the sun, but it isn't anything she would ever consider to be a home.

The woman's eyes sharpen thoughtfully, as if gauging the truth in her words. "And your family?"

Lucy hesitates. Her mother passed when she was just a child, but her father was still alive when Maurd Greer found her on that park bench. For the first time since her awakening she realizes that she doesn't even know if he is still alive. Even if he is... she is dead to him – to everyone she once knew. It would be best if he were dead to her as well. "It's just me," she murmurs, fighting off the wave of grief that comes with the realization. "I don't have anyone else."

For a moment everything is still. It is Natsu that ends up breaking the silence, his voice muffled by a desperation that makes her fidget uncomfortably. "Please, Porly."

She sighs, shaking her head and sending an exasperated look his way. "Does your grandfather know about this?"

Natsu rubs the back of his neck. "I mean, he knows about her." Porly's eyes narrow and he shrugs his shoulders sheepishly. "I haven't really talked to him in the past few days..."

Her mouth purses and she grabs her bag from the table stiffly, letting it rest in the crook of her elbow. "Very well. Natsu, why don't you walk me to the door?"

His nose scrunches, "Why? You know where – OW! What the Hell!? Ok, ok!"

Lucy watches awkwardly as the doctor grabs him by the ear and effectively pulls him along towards the apartment door. She feels as if she should help him but isn't exactly sure how or if it's even her place. "Um..."

Porlyusica opens the door with her free hand, half turning to give Lucy a curt nod. "It was a pleasure to meet you, though do hope you will take my advice and go get some tests done." Her eyes soften, and for a moment she truly does look concerned. "You are still young – don't waste it just because you don't want to go to the hospital."

Lucy smiles. "I will think about it." She won't, but she knows that this is the polite way to dismiss the conversation. "Thank you very much for coming to see me." Her eyes dart to the man still in the older woman's grasp. "I know Natsu was very worried."

She hums, though doesn't seem altogether concerned about Natsu's feelings on the matter as she drags him out the door (to which he responds by cursing loudly). When the door shuts, Lucy can still make out their voices, but the doctor's words come out in such a quiet hiss that she is unable to make out the words. She doesn't have that problem with Natsu – his voice is loud and defensive, even a bit snarky at times, but Lucy can't make out what the conversation is regarding with only his half of the conversation. Eventually, after a loudly proclaimed "Ow! Alright already," Natsu returns rubbing the side of his head irritably and muttering under his breath. "Old bat didn't have to be such a bitch about it."

Curiosity nags at her, and even though she knows it is rude to pry she finds herself asking anyway. "What did she say?"

"We're fine. She isn't going to report anything," he grumbles. "Though I'm sure Gramps will probably be getting an earful. He'll probably call to rip me a new one any minute now."

Lucy frowns. "Was that all?" Something in the way he holds himself makes her think that there must be more.

Natsu runs a hand through his hair, avoiding her gaze. "Uh, well, she kinda got the wrong idea." Lucy remains silent, waiting for him to explain. Eventually he groans, leaning back against the door and hiding his eyes behind his hand and murmuring under his breath. "She was going on about how you were way too young for me..."

She blinks, confused at first. Then, as she watches Natsu's complexion turn gradually darker, she understands. "Oh!" She doesn't know if it is possible for her kind to blush, but she can feel blood rushing to her cheeks and thinks that it must be. She really doesn't know what to say, how to respond. Judging by the awkward silence brewing between them, Natsu must not either.

Then, unexpectedly, his lips twitch into a smile and he gives a breathy snort. "It's ... It's kinda funny, though. Right? I mean, I'm only twenty-five so it isn't like there's a huge difference or anything. But if she only freaking knew," He looks up at her from between his fingers, eyes sparking with amusement as his body shakes with suppressed laughter. "I'd be the one that's too young for you."

The observation should make her sad, uncomfortable even, but somehow it doesn't. The laughter that spills through his fingers is contagious, and she finds her lips curling before she can prevent it. Later, she will scold him about reminding a lady of her age, but for now she is happy just to have a reason – any reason – to laugh with him.

AN: Thank you all for waiting so patiently! Obviously I haven't been able to update as much as I would have liked – between pregnancy symptoms and getting ready for our little bundle I have been struggling to find the time and motivation. I will try my best to make sure this fic doesn't go without updates for such a long stretch next time, but I definitely can't promise that I can go back to my biweekly schedule. So please, continue to be patient with me!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thanks as always to madartiste for being my beta and taking the time to edit this quickly for you guys!