.
.
Never feel too good in crowds,
With folks around, when they're playing
The anthems of rape culture loud,
Crude and proud creatures baying
All I've ever done is hide
From our times when you're near me
Honey, when you kill the lights, and kiss my eyes
I feel like a person for a moment of my life
-Hozier, "To Be Alone"
(:)(A)(:)
To the Flame
Chapter #16: La Verità Dolorosa
(The Painful Truth)
(:)(A)(:)
Even with her condition, she can recognize that the Mac and Cheese is in fact very good. Dusted with paprika and baked with a layer of seasoned bread crumbs, there is no lack of flavor. The heavy scent of cheese helps distract her, even if only momentarily, from the overpowering scent of sweat and blood. She wonders, idly, if Natsu recommended it for this reason, but quickly discards the idea. Natsu has been nothing but kind to her, but he doesn't possess the level of empathy needed to understand exactly how being a in a room full of warm bodies affects her.
She makes small talk with Mira , listening carefully to any and all information she gives her regarding the other clientele. The red head she spotted talking to Gray when she arrived is not the Juvia she has heard mentioned before. Rather, her name is Erza – a professional kick boxer in the women's division (though Mira insists that she would give majority of the men in the sport a run for their money) and one of Natsu's closest childhood friends. The brunette at the end of the bar ordering tall glass after tall glass of cheap beer (she can smell the ale even from across the room) goes by the name of Cana. The blonde man with a scar across his eye is Laxus, one of Natsu's many cousins and (judging by the way Mira's eyes warm at the mere mention of him) the pretty bartender's crush.
She tells Lucy of many others – so much so that by the time Mira has introduced her to her to her brother Elfman she feels dizzy and overwhelmed by all of it. She tries to hold out for as long as she can in hopes that Natsu will be able to give her more than the frequent (though steadily becoming more sparse) glances from across the room, but after a while she realizes that the pub is far to busy to allow him a break anytime soon. She waits another five agonizing minutes before excusing herself as politely as she can with the defense of needing some fresh air. It is mostly true – getting away from the scent of so many people would only do her good, but she would be lying if she claimed that to be the sole reason. Mira is nice, but the familiarity in which she treats her is overwhelming in ways that Lucy can't bring herself to address. No one other other than Natsu has treated her so well, and as Mira points her in the direction of the back door, she gives her a guilty smile before standing from her stool. She can tell by the way the bartender's expression softens that she knows more than Lucy is willing to admit.
The first thing she notices upon exiting the building is the sharp bite of cold the outside air delivers. It is refreshing after suffocating on the heat from inside, and Lucy is relieved by the dank scent of old garbage instead of the overpowering scent of fresh, unspilled blood. Without it pressing down on her she feels more in control – more human and less like the monster she is.
Then she hears his heartbeat to her right and her spine goes rigid in surprise. She blinks, taken aback as she allows her eyes to confirm what she already knows. "You're here." Perhaps it was silly of her, but she hadn't expected anyone other than herself, to find him staring back at her is a startling, although not unpleasant, discovery.
Gray raises his eyebrows, and Lucy suspects he must be questioning her sanity. "Yeah? What of it?"
"I thought you had gone."
He shrugs, flicking the cigarette in his hand with practiced ease. Lucy watches the ash drift to wet pavement as he shoves a hand in his coat pocket. "Just needed a smoke." His eyes slide over to her, a question sharpening his gaze. "You?"
She tucks her hair behind one ear and resists the urge to lie. She does not want him to know how terrifying being surrounded by warm bodies really is. "It's all just a little overwhelming," she admits, knowing that there is enough truth in her statement to distract him from digging any deeper.
He nods, seeming to understand (Lucy knows he doesn't). "Not the most easy going crowd, but they're all good people. You get numb to the noise after a while."
Silence hangs between them, and Lucy can't help but notice that it is awkward and heavy – stifling. There is a tension in his body despite his casual tone that belays his discomfort. Lucy feels a pang of self consciousness and ducks her head so that her bangs help hide her wounded expression. She can not expect him to adjust as easily as Natsu has to the news of her condition – he has not had the time to determine for himself that she is trust worthy – but she still finds herself hurt by it any way. For the past few days she had wanted to speak to him so badly. She had never considered that perhaps he would not wish to hear her. Still, in the heavy silence between them, she feels the words burning urgently on her tongue. "Thank you."
From the corner of her vision she sees his head turn; feels his gaze on her cheek. After a moment he sighs and throws his cigarette butt down and grinds it out with the toe of his shoe. "Don't know what for."
"For telling Natsu about me," she admits softly – truthfully.
His eyes sharpen, his voice lowering until it almost resembles an unveiled threat. "I didn't do it for you."
She nods, understanding that fact all too well. "I know," she murmurs, "but it helped me all the same." She tilts her face up towards the sky. She can see a sliver of inky night between the buildings but not enough to make out the faces of the constellations. It makes her feel a little more lonely. A sad, sardonic smile pulls at her lips. "It seems that inadvertently saving me must be in your blood."
"I don't know what your talking about."
She blinks, focusing on sharp ridges of his irises. "Your father."
"What about him?"
A confused frown creases her brow. She had thought for sure that Agent Silver must have told his son about her. She thought that was why he was so quick to believe in what she is – why he knew who she is. Her answer is short, still slightly dazed by the realization that she had assumed something of him so blindly. "He helped me."
Gray stares at her, skeptical. "He got kicked off your case for misplacing crucial evidence. Because of him your killer was never caught."
Her frown deepens. This is the first she is hearing of him being kicked off her case, but it was never the agent she owed her thanks to – it was the man. "Why would I care if he was caught?" she murmurs. What good would come of the police force tracking down an elder vampire? They would all be dead and maimed by morning. What Agent Fullbuster had done for her went beyond any kind of petty revenge. "He gave me my journal..." He had saved her from a miserable existence, given her a purpose, all bound between splotched card stock. "He was kind to me," she whispers, meaningfully, under her breath.
Gray is still staring at her as if she is speaking some other language, but there seems to be some form off acceptance dawning in his gaze. "He got fired for that you know. Became a raging alcoholic." When she doesn't respond, he sighs and runs a hand through his dark locks. "He always kept your picture at his desk though... I always thought it was because it was one of the few cases he never solved. Guess now I know better." His lips curl into a sneer. "Glad he at least did someone some good."
"That journal saved me," she confesses softly, wishing she could form the right words to make him understand the gravity of those pages. "I think... I would have lost myself a lot sooner if it wasn't for your father."
His lips tighten, and from his pocket he withdraws a half filled pack of smokes and avoids looking at her. The way he taps the carton against the heel of his hand and draws a single cigarette speaks of practiced ease. As he flicks open his zippo lighter and he ignites the end, the warm light casting shadows across his face, she finds her voice again. "I would like to see him – to thank him – if that's alright."
He pauses, taking a deep drag of smoke before letting it escape his lungs in a long sigh. He flicks the ash off the end. "He's dead."
"Oh... I'm sorry." She is. There is an ache in her breast, a hollowness, at the thought of never being able to tell the man who saved her 'thank you'.
He shrugs, watching her carefully from the corner of his eye.
"Does he have a grave?" she asks. He seems to hesitate before nodding and she smiles sadly in response. "Then maybe one night I can visit him."
He gives an amused snort and looks a little embarrassed when she shoots him a baffled look. "Sorry, it's just, you know." The hand holding his cigarette gestures to her. "Vampire. Graveyard at night. Kinda cliche, isn't it?"
A smile twitches at the corner of her mouth, amused despite herself. "That's false, you know. Most of us don't frequent graveyards." She always thought that depiction was rather funny – why would a man-eater linger in a place where there is only corpses?
He raises an eyebrow. "No?" He takes another drag from his cig. "I thought that was where all the cool monsters hung out."
She bites back the urge to wince at his choice of wording – she can tell that he did not mean to be hurtful. Still, the word 'monster' rings painfully in her ears. "No, that would be the night clubs," she responds softly, eyes lowering.
He gives a snort of laughter before he notices her blank expression. "Wait – seriously?"
She shrugs. It is true, but she really doesn't want to start a conversation on her kind's typical hunting habits.
"Well damn," he mumbles, mostly to himself. "Good to know, I guess." A temporary silence settles between them, this one much more comfortable than the last. He gestures to the open pack of cigarettes. "Want one?"
Curious, she takes the cigarette from Gray's long fingers and lets him light the end. She takes a slow, tentative breath in – feels the hot smoke tease her throat and curl in her lungs. The taste isn't as unpleasant as she thought, but it isn't very good either. She releases the breath through pursed lips like they used to do in the movies.
Gray raises his dark brows, looking impressed. "Wow, took it like a champ. Most first timers end up coughing it all up."
She shrugs, evaluating the burning cigarette thoughtfully. "I don't really need to breath, so..."
The admittance hangs between them, awkward and heavy.
Gray takes another slow drag from his cigarette before snuffing the glowing tip on the ground next to the first one. The smoke leaves his mouth in a slow, sighing stream. "You know, I'm not going to give up on finding the others."
It is a vague statement, but not one that Lucy needs elaborated. Her fingers curl more firmly around the cigarette as she watches the burning embers creep up the stalk of white paper. "I know."
He gives her a sideways glance. She can feel his gaze, burning with intensity, on her cheek. "It'd be a lot easier with your help."
She shakes her head, daring to meet his eyes. "I would only be helping you to your death," she says seriously. She refrains from saying more, but the words whisper in the back of her mind like a thirsty ghost: 'Or worse.'
It would not be the first time Minerva or one of her blood sisters decided to make their hunter into a play thing. If Maurd Greer was to be involved then prolonged torture would be without question – the opportunity to leave scars on the son of the man that once hunted him would be too poetic for him to pass up. "I would never forgive myself if I led you to that place," she murmurs. "Even if I could, I would not deprive Natsu of your friendship. He cares for you."
Something she says must rattle him, because for a moment his guarded expression seems to fade. He looks uncomfortable. "Yeah, about that... You and Natsu..."
His voice fades, and Lucy gets the suspicion that there are unspoken words hanging between them that he expects her to be able to interpret. She isn't sure if her inability to do so is because of her lack of human interaction or his lack of cues. "What about us?"
He shifts his weight, free hand rubbing the back of his neck. "Look, I don't know what kind of relationship you two have, and it really isn't my business, but don't be stupid about it. Someone's just going to get hurt."
She blinks, trying to tamper down the sudden wave of offense. "I would never hurt Natsu." She would die first.
Gray shakes his head. "Yeah... I know. If you were going to eat him you'd have done it already." When her brow furrows in confusion, he sighs. "Look, you seem like a nice enough girl, ok? Even with the whole blood sucking deal." He runs a hand through his hair, scowling at the weathered brick from the building in front of them. "But from what I'm seeing it looks like you're both setting yourselves up for a whole lot of trouble."
She blinks, his words circling in her mind and making her dizzy. "I don't understand." She doesn't. She can hear what he is saying but she can't decipher the meaning behind the words.
He hesitates, his expression hardening with careful contemplation. "You don't age, right?" Slowly, she nods, and Gray's eyes cool into something familiar – similar to the look his father gave her all those years before. It looks like pity. "He will."
Understanding sends ice cold pricks of pain straight to her steadily beating heart. The words 'he will die' remain unsaid, but they hover between them like a phantom blade ready to cut her open. "Yes," she mutters, her hand rubbing the spot above her heart with a wince. "I know."
He shoves his hands in his pockets, looking away from her, and for a long moment there is nothing but the sound of muted cheers and conversation from the other side of the wall at their backs. "I'm sorry."
She shakes her head. "No, don't be. You're right." Her eyes meet his and she gives him a forced smile. "It is important that I don't let myself forget."
It is dangerous for her to forget what she is, not only for herself but for others. As much as Natsu makes her feel human, as much as he justifies her existence, her heart will never beat on anything but borrowed blood. What she is – what she was turned into – is a predator. It doesn't matter that she has never killed anyone, it doesn't matter if she never will. The urge to drink, to feed, will always be there. When blood is spilled her mouth will always water and her stomach will always lurch in hungry anticipation. Even if it is only a drop.
She thinks of how hard it was to pull away from Natsu's bloodied fingers and can't help but wonder if she would have had the strength to stop if he had been anyone else. She has turned away blood before – living beneath the rest of the coven meant dealing with the constant scent of blood – but no one had ever offered themselves. Not until Natsu.
The cigarette perched between her fingers has burnt down to the filter. She can feel the heat of the embers glowing dangerously close to her skin as she holds it up for inspection. She is ready to flick it away, to crush it beneath the toe of her new boot, when the door behind her swings open. Cigarette forgotten, she turns to find Natsu gazing at her curiously. There is a hint of relief in the way his brow smooths – as if he was worried she wouldn't be waiting for him on the other side of the steel door. "There you are. Was wondering where you ran off to."
His eyes flicker to the waning ember at her fingertips and his grin dims into a heated scowl. "What the hell Gray?" Natsu snaps, sending a dark glare to the taller man. "Don't be getting her addicted to those cancer sticks too! That shit is poison!"
Over his broad shoulder, she and Gray share a look and she feels her heart give a painful lurch when she sees confirmation reflected in his eyes. Natsu, always so focused on his present, hasn't even stopped to think about the future that lay ahead of him – ahead of her. He knows what she is, but hasn't taken the time to evaluate what it means.
Her fingers close soothingly over his wrist, just above his clenched palm. "It's my fault. I just wanted to try it once. I didn't like it all that much anyway." She doesn't tell him that those little rolled up pieces of chemicals and tobacco can't hurt her, doesn't remind him that things like cancer and emphysema are mere myths for her kind. The truth is a painful one, and she can't bring herself to share it with him just yet. Maybe it is selfish of her, but she wants him to look at her as if they are the same for just a little bit longer – she wants to be the human girl he has made himself believe her to be.
Under her cool fingers his clenched fists relax and the coiled tension in his shoulders ease. "He still shouldn't have given it to you," he mutters darkly, eyes still sharpened daggers aimed at the other man. "Seriously, isn't it about time you quit? Porly would freaking gut you if she knew."
Gray shrugs, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I'm working on it."
Natsu's eyes narrow. "Does Juvia know you're still smoking?"
Lucy can tell by the way he blanches that Juvia does not. Gray points a threatening finger at him, expression dark. "Don't you dare say anything! You know how worried she gets. She'll get herself all worked up and next thing you know she'll be convinced I have freaking cancer instead of a cold!"
"Well if you'd just quit already –!"
"I told you! I'm working on it! It's a process, ok?!"
Lucy watches them bicker and lets the heat of their argument distract her from the chill of reality. There will be time for her to mull over Gray's words of warning later, in a place much more peaceful and much more private than the one she is in now. Natsu lets out an aggravated sigh, and Lucy feels all her earlier hopes begin to fade until the only thing remaining is reservations. In the cold night air, Natsu's breath curls from his mouth like a thin puff of smoke. It is a reminder that he is warmer than she ever will be, and that – for him – time is not even nearly as infinite as it makes itself seem.
AN: Happy early Halloween (for those who celebrate)! I'm actually pretty excited for it this year now that I have a little one to dress up (Max will be going as Max from Where The Wild Things Are (someday he will share my enthusiasm regarding this crucial decision)).
Thank you as always to Madartiste for being my beta and everyone who reviewed last chapter! I hope you enjoyed this one as well! For those who follow Ignite, fear not. The next chapter is in the works and will have priority! :)