.

.

"Oh, I can't
Stop you putting roots in my dreamland
My house of stone, your ivy grows
And now I'm covered in you
And I'm covered in you"

–"Ivy", Taylor Swift

(:)(A)(:)

To the Flame

Chapter 19: Un Bacio

(A Kiss)

(:)(A)(:)

The pain ebbs, slowly but surely, until the loss of her father begins to feel more like a bad dream than a memory. Natsu doesn't bring up her father again, and Lucy doesn't either. She thinks normalcy has finally returned when Natsu disrupts it with the subtlety of a bomb.

The sound of the door slamming is the only warning he gives her, his cheeks flushed and his chest heaving as if he ran home. Lucy feels her grip on her book falter, fear seizing her. "Natsu, what—"

"Change me," he says between panting breaths. "Make me like you. Change me."

He means it. Lucy turns away from him, placing her book on the coffee table with shaking hands before standing. Hands empty, they twitch at her sides as she glares out the window. Her bench is haloed in the light of the street lamp, looking innocent despite her blood having been spilled there decades ago. "No."

For a moment he is silent behind her, and she thinks (hopes) that he will let the matter drop. She nearly jumps out of her skin when she feels him at her elbow, but doesn't resist when he prompts her to turn and face him.

He is frowning, an almost hurt look softening his eyes. "Why not? I thought—" he shakes his head, leaving the thought unfinished. His mouth tightens stubbornly and whatever hurt that lingered in his expression is quickly washed away by irritation. "Why not?"

"Why would you want to?!" There is only one thing her condition grants, one thing that fools lust after. She had never thought Natsu, of all people, would fall victim to its poisoned charm. Blood that isn't hers rushes angrily in her veins, in her chest she can hear her heart crying bitterly with every beat. She has never been so angry, not at him. "How could you even think I would let you throw your life away like that?! That I would help?!"

He recoils as if she struck him. Seeming more confused than he has a right to be. "Throw my life away? What the hell are you talking about?!"

Her fists clench so tightly she can feel her blunt fingernails digging into her palm. "How did you think it worked?! You're asking me to kill you!"

"Well, yeah. But then I'd come back!"

"Except you wouldn't!" She's shouting now, her voice raising with every painful word. "You'd just be another monster out for blood! Is immortality really worth your humanity?!"

Anger rises within him in response, heating his gaze and tightening the sinewy muscle in his neck. "No, but you are!" She recoils, and his eyes—his voice—softens. "You're worth it."

Lucy shakes her head, a chasm carving itself painfully into her heart, because she can't. She can't be the reason he wants to die. The way he looks at her, imploring and full of an agony that mirrors her own, makes her stomach lurch. To have him forever is too tempting, and too good, to be true. "No," she whispers. "I can't."

Natsu swallows thickly, wetting his lips. "Why? I just, I want to stay with you. I don't—the thought of leaving you alone—" His eyes squeeze shut, his jaw working to force out the words. "I thought, maybe, you wanted that too?"

In that moment, Lucy loves him so much she almost hates him. A sob threatens to choke her, but she forces it down. If she starts, she knows she won't stop. "More than anything." Tears burn at her eyes, rolling—one, then two—down her cheeks. "But it doesn't work that way. You—" She places a hand on his chest, over his beating heart. "You'd be gone. The demon takes over."

He hesitates, shifting his weight. "It didn't for you."

She shakes her head, letting her hand drop. "No, something happened to make me come back wrong... but I won't risk you, Natsu. I can't. Please don't ask me to."

Suddenly, she notices the blooming bruise on the underside of his jaw. Her fingers graze against it tenderly, shooting him an apologetic look when he winces. "Where did this come from?"

He clears his throat, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "Gray... made me realize some things."

Lucy has no doubt about what their conversation was—Natsu's insistence that he be changed makes it all too clear. A sigh passes her lips, and she moves to get ice from the freezer. "He worries about me when he shouldn't. I understand what I'm doing." She understands the pain that she is signing herself up for. How could she not? She is reminded every time Natsu touches her and she feels the heat of his blood pumping beneath his skin.

"He's right, though. I—I never even thought..."

"Don't," she says, barely above a whisper. She gently presses a bag of expired frozen corn against his bruised jaw. "Don't be sorry for being human." Don't apologize for being you. She smiles, a somber tilt of her lips. "It's funny. Sometimes I wish I was never turned into what I am, but other times I'm glad. Because it allowed me to meet you. It's funny how fate works, isn't it?"

His stare is unwavering in its intensity; so focused on seeing through her that he doesn't even flinch away from the cold. "I don't want to leave you alone."

Lucy tries to offer him a smile, but it's too brittle to hold. She can feel it crumbling before it's even fully formed. Her gaze drops to his jaw, pulling the bag away to inspect the damage. The skin is red from cold, and the bruising seems to be growing steadily deeper, but the swelling is minimal.

Fragile. He's so fragile.

In her chest, her heart gives a stuttering whine and her throat tightens. Just stay as long as you can, is what she wants to tell him but she can't bring herself to speak the words. She knows that no amount of time he gives her will feel long enough. Gray had warned her—someone was bound to get hurt—but it's too late. Natsu is right in front of her, but the thought of losing him leaves her breathless.

She can't stop staring at the bruise, purple and molted, and it's only the sound of her name on his lips that pulls her gaze back to his.

"Luce?"

There's a question in his dark eyes, an ocean of concern and a touch of something else—something warm. He's so, so close. Lucy can feel the heat of his breath on her cheek. Her gaze drops to his lips, heart fluttering in her chest. "I'm running out of time," she murmurs, the realization striking her with the subtlety of a blade.

His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows. Lucy watches the movement with newfound appreciation. "What?" His voice is raspy. She wonders if his throat feels as tight as her own.

She meets his eyes, praying he will see the wish—the want—darkening her own. "I don't want to waste any more time."

Natsu sees it, she knows he does. Because there is a hitch in his breath and a flush in his cheeks. She isn't blind to the way his attention becomes focused on her mouth. "Are—are you sure? I don't want..."

He doesn't finish. Lucy doesn't need him to.

They are back in the bathroom, with her standing naked and unashamed in the tub—telling him she wouldn't mind being his. Only this time she knows what she's offering. She knows what she wants.

And she knows—perhaps has always known—that he wants it too.

She kisses him.

And it's soft and warm; full of tenderness and laced with invitation. His lips part around a startled breath, his hands trembling as they reach for her. Fingers ghost across her jaw, threading in her hair, and igniting a spark she never knew existed. A sigh leaves her, shuttered and wanting. The bag of frozen corn slips from her hand, landing with a dull thud on the floor between them, but she doesn't care. All she wants is to be closer; to feel the heat of him beneath her palms and against her body. She wants to be surrounded by him.

She reaches for him, palms exploring the feel of his chest before sliding up in search of skin. The groan she pulls from him reverberates through her, but it's the way his mouth slants—hungrily—that makes her forget how to breathe.

Then he's pulling away, panting and touching his forehead to her own. She steals another kiss, just a peck, and he laughs under his breath. Lucy hates how the sound breaks at the edges. "You're sure?" he asks, lips brushing her own. It's only the torment in his voice that keeps her from leaning into it. "You're sure we can't have this forever?"

The break in her heart widens, and it's only the feel of his thumb stroking the line of her jaw that holds her together. "I'm sure."

"Ok," he murmurs, voice rough. "Ok."

It's not, Lucy thinks. It never will be. But time will always be too short, and she's done wasting it.

(:)(A)(:)

That night, she lays her ear against his chest; listening to his heartbeat the way others listen to a record, and it dawns on her. "Hey, Natsu?"

He grunts, pulling her in closer and nuzzling her hair. "Yeah?"

"I think I love you."

For a moment he pauses, and then he chuckles—his arms pulling her closer. "Welcome to the club."

She frowns against his chest. "I don't know what that means."

He plants a kiss to the top her her head. She can feel his wide grin and knows his dimples must be showing. "It means I love you too. Weirdo."

AN: This is the end for this fic. I know there are loose ends, and I know it is far from satisfying, but it's the most I can give. The truth of the matter is that this story hasn't felt like fanfiction for me for a long, long time.

I don't see Natsu when I write—I see a freckled boy with curly dark hair trying to do his part to better the world he was born into. Instead of seeing Mira, I see a Black, bisexual woman with a sharp wit and a huge heart that is head-over-heels in love with her wife. Instead of Gray, I see a red-headed, overprotective dork that can't cook pasta without following the instructions on the back of the box.

And Lucy... well, Lucy was only ever in this story as a shadow of herself, wasn't she?

For me, To the Flame has evolved into my original novel, Everlong. And, honestly, it feels like that's how it always should have been.

If you loved this fic, I hope you will give the original rewrite a chance. I'm biased, but obviously I feel it is the better version of the two. It's also a good 40k words longer, so you can expect loose ends to actually be tied and the ending to feel, well, complete. You can find it in both ebook or paperback on Amazon Kindle Direct (it's the one by R. Raeta). Or there is a direct link on my tumblr page (absent-angel).

Thank you, as always, for all of your kind words and unwavering support. Publishing my own novel has been a longtime dream of mine, but I know (without a doubt) that it never would have happened if not for the encouragement I found here in the fanfiction community. So, thank you. Each and every one of you. You all helped to make my dreams come true.