Chapter 3: Humanity's Hottest Snaps

Day 2

"What is the secret to Lance Corporal Levi Ackerman's exquisite male physique? Ladies and gentlemen, the answer to that is as fantastic as it is simple. Lance Corporal Levi maintains a strict exercise regimen. His daily routine starts at 5am with a jog around the Trost Wildlands Reserve. After work, he continues with an intensive 3-hour combat training session followed by resistance training. With that routine, it's no wonder that he is pure, sweat-glistening meat and muscle, human passion manifest in glorious, God-like form! Do not despair if you're still concerned about his vertical challenges. The corporal does one hundred reps of calf raises each night and is a master of ODM gear. There is no height Humanity's Hottest cannot reach!"

Picture: Levi jogging, half-naked, in the Trost Wildlands Reserve.

Picture caption: Levi swears the glistening six pack is doctored, but even if the photo was fake he wouldn't need to try harder than that!

Papers at The Trost Tribute were printed at 4am, and Levi started his morning jog an hour later. That so many women were idling about the Trost Wildlands Reserve that very morning was therefore a triumph for the efficiency of newspaper distribution and the diligence of the general populace (or at least, half of it). Levi realised something was wrong when he entered that oestrogen saturated arena. There was a nauseating amount of ogling, giggling, and errant hands "accidentally" brushing him in passing.

At one point, the crowd of ladies became so dense that he had to stop. A girl pushed her way to the front with pen and paper in hand.

"Lance Corporal Levi, please would you sign this for me?"

"Only if it's a death wish." Levi snatched the paper from her hand and looked it over for a binding contract to the purpose. He was disappointed.

"Oh look at him, playing hard to get!" A middle-aged woman crooned, revealing a mouth that was missing half of its teeth. "No wonder, with those looks and that build. The young 'uns are inexperienced, but I'll play hardball with you all night!"

Levi's usually relaxing morning jog turned into an intense session of resistance training interspersed with bursts of parkour.

At length, Levi successfully made it back to the secure military compound without passing third base. He took a shower and pushed the unpleasant experience to the back of his mind. When he emerged, he went to his door and retrieved the day's edition of the Trost Tribute. He quickly found the relevant section, read over it dejectedly, and began work. Though he went through the motions, his mind was on the columns that had recently made his life a living hell.

There were two things about the pieces that struck him as odd. First, they were paradoxical, claiming to sell him yet doing so in a backhanded way with sarcastic undertones and snide remarks.

"It's almost like they're using the praise and adoration to debase you," Hange mused when he shared his thoughts over lunch. "You have lots of women fawning over you at every turn, but anyone with an iota of intellect would know that the papers are actually labelling you as a vertically-challenged, obsessive, hopelessly romantic, materialistic – "

"Shut it, Hange. You made your point."

But what rankled Levi more was the accuracy of the information. Wild stories aside, they had his personal life down with pinpoint accuracy, from his favourite hobby (though that had never really been a secret) to the format of his daily exercise routine. And although the first photo was fake, the latter two photos were indeed genuine. Headshots of Levi were available in military records and from the press releases he sometimes had to give in his line of work. The park photo, which until recently had been less of a public commodity, was still likely genuine, as Levi would sometimes jog half-naked to avoid sweating in his clothes as he warmed up.

"It's just one week, you can handle it," Hange pleaded.

"I'd love to give you extra material to poke fun at me with, but I won't," he retorted.

For someone close to him had deliberately kicked down the door to the temple that was his private life and exposed him to the groping eyes and digits of the unrefined public. He was going to make them pay, but first, he had some suspicions to confirm.

"Take tomorrow afternoon off, Levi? You know we're hard-pressed to grant soldiers leave right now." Commander Erwin Smith said.

"There is an urgent private affair I need to handle," Levi said stoically.

"Anything serious?"

"No, it's just a small thing. But it's urgent," Levi insisted.

Erwin paused for a moment, studying the corporal. "What happened to your cravat? Change in style?"

"It's old. I need to get a new one." Levi lied. Emilius seemed to be keeping quiet and he was not about to ruin that.

"I see..." Erwin trailed off, deep in thought. "Well, leave granted. You are on time with your reports and Hange can cover your duties. Enjoy your time off."

Levi breathed an internal sigh of relief; that had been easier than expected. As Levi retreated, Erwin called after him. "By the way, good work on the walls yesterday. I'm sure the exercise was beneficial for you too, with all the calf raises you must have done."

"I have skinny calves," Levi spat, for lack of a better response. The commander's laughter dogged him all the way down the hall.

A/N: Hi everyone! It's been a while since I posted to (the last time being almost ten years ago, and I'm still in the process of trying to recover my old account, *gasp*) and I've missed seeing the stats on this site. Specifically, the world distribution. It's amazing to see people around the world reading my work (I'm hoping you're all clicking intentionally), so it really means a lot to see you viewing. It's also been a while since I did any creative writing, so please leave a review to let me know what you think. I'd love to hear from you!

Apologies as this chapter and the next are/will be a little slow due to stage-setting. I've tried to inject enough humour to keep y'all entertained, so I hope you enjoy reading these chapters nevertheless and to please be patient and bear with me! That being said, Levi is getting closer to revealing the mystery writer, as we are getting closer to the pairing reveal (squee).