Well, it's been fun visiting with these characters again, but I think this is the last chapter. I hope you all enjoy and have a very Merry Christmas!
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I was nervous about my breakfast with Kate, but the trip with Dad had given me some measure of peace about the way forward. I slept well, feeling resolved and, honestly, excited about a possible future with Bella.
I pulled into the lot right on time, but I spotted Kate standing by the front door of the restaurant. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she looked tense. My nerves returned then, since I couldn't figure out what she could possibly be upset about already. I parked a few spots down, and she started walking quickly towards my car. I got out stood next to it just as she reached me.
"Change in plans, Edward!" she called across the roof. Her expression was annoyed, and she gripped the handle of the passenger door and started to get it.
"What's wrong?" I asked, not moving to climb back in the car myself until I knew what was going on.
"Get in," she insisted, so I complied. Hopefully, she would explain. I didn't know how much longer I could put this conversation off. I sighed and followed her into the car.
"Kate, tell me what's happening," I demanded, turning to look at her once settled in the driver's seat and placing the key in the ignition. I didn't turn it. She sighed.
"Bella Swan is inside that restaurant having breakfast with one of her friends," she admitted. I immediately craned my neck, inspecting the building as if I could somehow see through the walls to find her. Kate scoffed at my reaction. I felt a thrill that she was so close, but I tamped it down. She was as far away as she could get until I was able to make it through this confession. Kate started talking again, and I forced myself to pay attention.
"…and that's why we aren't going in there!" she exclaimed. "You can't focus on a damn thing whenever Bella Swan is involved. I wanted to have a nice meal and conversation with you this morning, but if we go in there, then you'll just moon over her the whole time. And after everything she did to you. Let's just go somewhere else." It was the perfect segue into what I needed to tell her, but I didn't want to have this talk in the parking lot outside the restaurant where Bella was currently eating. What if she walked out and saw us arguing here inside the car?
"Hold that thought, Kate. Let's just head to the bagel shop down the street and then back to your place," I told her as I started the engine and pulled away from the curb. She lived in midtown, and it was only a few minutes away, definitely closer than my building downtown.
"No!" She exclaimed indignantly. "I thought we were going out for a nice breakfast." I was already down the block and turning into the bagel shop's parking lot. I edged into the drive-thru and pushed the button to bring the window down.
"Forget that Kate," I ground out. "We need to talk, and it doesn't matter where it happens." She fell silent, and I glanced at her. She looked worried and uncertain, and I felt guilty for my tone. But I'd already let Jasper railroad me this week. For Bella's sake, and mine for that matter, I had to get this off my chest right now.
I ordered coffee and bagels, paid for it all, and accepted the bag at the window. I handed it over to Kate, and she held it in her lap as we made the short drive to her building. I parked in the underground garage, actually glad that I would have to drive her back to pick up her car. She wouldn't be able to just throw me out when I told her the truth. I carried the food that I knew I wouldn't touch, and we rode the elevator up to her loft in tense silence. I motioned her ahead of me when we got off at her floor, and she unlocked the door and waved me in.
"All right, Edward, what's the big mystery?" she asked sarcastically as she dropped her shoulder bag on the table just inside the door. I made my way over to the kitchen area and made myself busy, pulling the coffees out of their cardboard holder and carefully unpacking the bagels from their paper wrapping. When I was done, I turned and saw Kate still standing by the door with her hands on her hips.
"I need to talk to you about Bella Swan," I told her and waited for the sparks to fly. She didn't say anything at first. She moved into the living area and slumped into the accent chair. The loft was really all one big room with different areas defined by different rugs and a few dividers, so she was still only a few feet away from me. But the effect of her action was as if she'd walked out of the room on our conversation. I grabbed the coffees and joined her on the couch across from her chair, refusing to give up. I handed her the coffee, and she accepted it.
"It was always going to come to this, wasn't it?" she asked calmly.
"What do you mean?" I queried, not understanding her.
"I saw it that night," she said and shook her head, staring up at the ceiling, like all the answers could be found up there.
"What night?" I demanded testily. Her dramatics were testing my nerves. She brought down her chin and looked me in the eye.
"You know exactly what I mean, Edward. Don't play dumb. I'm talking about that New Year's Eve at your parents' house. You were in love with Bella Swan, and you are still. I just don't get it. How can you still want her after what she did to you? You're a brilliant superstar now; you could have anyone you want. Why do you want her?" Kate spoke quietly but with emotion.
I couldn't help thinking about that night; it had been almost as close to perfect as a night could be. I'd told Bella I loved her that night for the first time, and I'd meant it. Then, I ruefully remembered that she hadn't said it back. I shook my head to bring myself back to the present, but Kate had more to say before I had a chance to tell my side of it.
"I mean, you want to talk to me about her, and we can't even meet for a decent meal without her ruining that, too. Talk about irony," she puffed out an aggravated breath. I chuckled a little because, in the end, she was still my best friend, and I knew she cared about me. She managed a small smile at me, too. She just didn't have all the facts. Well, she was about to get them.
"I didn't tell you everything that happened between Bella and me back then," I said carefully. It was as good a place as any to start. She took a long drink from her coffee and set it on the end table next to her chair so she could keep good eye contact. I definitely felt like an insect under a microscope. Time to man up, Masen, I told myself.
"Well, for starters, I broke up with her and not the other way around," I announced. She gave me a skeptical look, grabbed her coffee, and took a long drink. She held my gaze the entire time and then put the cardboard cup down again.
"I don't think I understand what you mean," she finally said. "I remember this," she looked at me pointedly, and I flushed a little thinking of that night I'd brought her back to my place when we had been sort of dating. I hated that I'd made this strong, caring woman into a sordid rebound. "You found out from your roommate's brother about that guy at work who was harassing her, then you confronted her. She blew you off and then quit returning your calls. She didn't come to any of your games, even though you were a maniac, breaking all those school records and whatnot."
Kate looked at me expectantly. She was waiting on me to confirm what she was saying. She was recounting exactly what I'd told her, only what I'd told her back then had not been true. I motioned for her to come sit next to me on the couch, and she did. She placed her coffee on the table in front of her and shifted her legs so that we were facing each other. I reached for her hands and held them in mine and took the leap.
"Kate, that's not what happened. I didn't lie to you, but I left out a lot. I should have told you a long time ago, and I never should have agreed to date Victoria without confessing all this then," I dropped her hands and scrubbed my face at that thought. She jerked her hands back and crossed them over her chest. We were still facing each other, but it had somehow become adversarial. "I've been too much of a coward to come clean because I know you, and Jasper and Alice for that matter, will be disappointed in me. And it's petty, such a silly thing to let get blown out of proportion."
"Just spit it out, Edward. You can be such a drama king." I could tell she was really pissed now. I sighed and did what she asked. I spoke with my eyes closed so I didn't have to see her face.
"I did hear about that guy at work from Sam's brother, but I didn't ask her about it. It was Valentine's Day, so I bought some flowers and showed up at her hospital. I was so angry that she hadn't confided in me despite all the time we spent together. I took it to mean that she wasn't taking our relationship seriously, and I felt like a fool. I confronted her in front of her colleagues and basically made a scene." I opened my eyes to see how Kate was taking this. Her eyes were wide, and her lips were parted in horror. Good, at least she was getting it. She didn't speak so I kept going.
"I told her we were done and walked out after I finished berating her. She called me about twenty times to try and apologize, and I didn't return any of them. I told Jasper to tell Alice to keep her away from my games. Finally, she stopped calling. And that's really how we broke up," I summarized. I waited for Kate to say something, but she looked frozen. Finally, she moved. Her left hand came off the couch and whipped across the space between us before it connected with a slap against my right cheek. She was a lefty like me.
She stood up quickly and paced to the other end of the living area. She was facing away from me, and it looked like she had both hands clasped over her mouth. I rubbed my cheek ruefully, but it wasn't like I hadn't deserved that. I stayed where I was and just waited to see what she would do. Finally, she turned around to face me, and there were angry tears in her eyes. I groaned internally, wishing that I weren't such a supreme asshole.
"YOU felt like a fool, Edward?" she asked. Her voice was shaky, and I felt even worse. "You made me into a fool. Do you know what I said to that girl at the gym the other day, huh?" she demanded rhetorically. I tried to interject an apology, but she narrowed her eyes.
"Shut up!" she spat. "I'm still talking. Bella still has feelings for you." I tried to interrupt her again, but she wasn't having it.
"I said shut up!" Her voice was full of fury. "Yes, she does. She has feelings for you. I can tell. It's obvious. I haven't talked to Alice about it, but I think she sees it, too. Based on the lies, you've told me," she paused to direct a scathing glare in my direction, "I thought she was an opportunist, ready to swoop back in on your celebrity. Alice told me she wasn't like that, but I didn't believe her considering ALL THE LIES you told me." She took a step towards me, looming over where I still sat on the couch and shouting in my face. I tried to look as submissive as possible. I deserved what I was getting.
"Now, it all makes sense. She never got over you either. You fucked it up, and you've both suffered for years. Congratulations, Edward," she ran out of steam and collapsed back on the accent chair across from me and covered her eyes with her hand. I felt wretchedly guilty that Kate's rant had excited me. She seemed so sure Bella still had feelings for me. I hoped she was correct, but I had no right to entertain positive feelings while my dearest friend was spiraling like she was. I leaned across the space between us and put my hand on her knee. She jerked like I'd struck her.
"Kate, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. It was stupid and immature, and I was stupid and immature. I don't think I got my act together really until I got back to Houston," I told her. She dropped her hand and scooted back on the chair, but she didn't move my hand off her leg even though she eyed it like a poisonous snake.
"It's felt so right, these past few weeks that I've worked with her in these therapy sessions. It's so easy between us. She understands my world, and I understand hers," I was pleading with Kate to understand. "Last Monday, we met at the ballpark. I took her on a tour, and we connected just like we always did. It was like no time had passed. We were standing on the pitcher's mound, and we almost kissed. I don't even know how it happened; it's like it was inevitable." Kate scoffed and rolled her eyes.
"Edward, I'm so mad at you right now. Did you just hear what I said? She's still in love with you, and you're still in love with her. I really don't know what else to say," she finally spoke. "I feel like an idiot, and I don't know how I can face the woman who will in all likelihood be your girlfriend as soon as you pull your head out of your ass and ask her. I've made excuses for you all these years because I thought you were so damaged, and I've been wrong this whole time. Apparently, you cause the damage wherever you go." She shoved my hand off her knee and pushed past me to retrieve her abandoned coffee where it sat next to the couch. She took a long drink.
"I need some time just to be pissed at you, but, damn you, I'm going to get over it. Right now, I wish I could say I'll hate you forever, but I won't. I've known you since we were five, and you taught me to swim in the pool at your family's beach house. I was scared to put my face in the water, and you were the one who showed me how to do it. I want to strangle you, but I'm already feeling kind of sorry for you. Ugh!" Her words degenerated into a frustrated grunt.
I knew I should be following her words with a contrite expression, but I was still hung up on her proclamation about Bella being my girlfriend. I needed to talk to her today. I couldn't wait another minute, even though Jasper and Alice hadn't heard the full truth yet. I was going straight there from here. Kate had made her way back to the kitchen and was fiddling with her Keurig, and her back was to me. Apparently, she wasn't riled up enough already and needed more caffeine. I noticed she didn't offer me any.
"Do you want me to take you back to your car?" I asked her with as much humility as I could convey. She fell still and stood there a minute before turning to look at me over her shoulder.
"I need you to leave me alone for a little while, Edward," she finally said. "I can get Garrett to take me to pick it up later." She held my gaze, and the silence was full of things unsaid. Her expression was a bit wistful, and I started to feel an uncomfortable sensation in my gut. But before it could get too awkward, she broke eye contact.
"Get out of here," she barked, and the moment was gone. It was so brief that I wondered if I'd imagined it. Suddenly, I couldn't wait another minute to get to Bella. I retrieved my own coffee, grabbed my keys, and headed for the door.
"We'll talk later," I told her.
"Sure, we will," she replied half-heartedly. I turned to take one last look at her as I walked out the door, but she wasn't looking at me. She was gazing out the kitchen window, engrossed in her own thoughts.
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I pulled out of Kate's garage and started driving towards Bella. I needed to get to her right now. I discarded any thought of Jasper and Alice. I knew they were busy today anyway. My Thursday rehab session had been postponed until Sunday morning. I would see them then, and that would be soon enough. I regretted dragging this out. I should have just talked to her immediately as soon as I was back in Houston, instead of building all this drama. Kate was right about that.
I punched in the gate code and resolved to get her out of this low rent place as soon as possible. My heart leaped when I saw her car parked back in her little corner of the parking lot. She was home. Then, my nerves kicked back in. What if she was busy? What if this was an inconvenient time? She'd always remarked on my habit of just showing up. Maybe she didn't like it. I sat in the driver's seat for a few minutes after I shut off the engine. I checked myself over to make sure I was presentable. I was wearing a plain black t-shirt, jeans, and flip flops. She used to find my penchant for flip flops amusing. That brief memory of our time together decided it for me. I quit being a pussy and got out of the car.
I knocked at her front door with confidence. I knew what I was doing and going to say was right, no matter how she took it. I heard a noise inside, so I was pretty sure she was in there. I waited but I didn't hear anything more. I started to get nervous again. What if there was someone in there with her? I knocked again, then leaned one hand against the door and ran the other through my hair to calm myself as I waited. She still didn't come to the door. I wondered if she saw me through her peephole and didn't want to answer. My nervousness ratcheted up a notch to anguish. Finally, the door swung open.
"Hi, Edward," she greeted me. She must have been busy because she looked a little disheveled and out of breath, but she gave me a friendly smirk. "Fancy meeting you here. I guess showing up at my apartment is kind of 'your thing,'" she drawled, echoing my previous thoughts. I ducked my head sheepishly, but I wasn't sorry to be here.
"Hey, Bella, I hope it's not a bad time." My voice sounded nervous. I really wanted to talk to her right now, but I didn't want to push her or force anything she wasn't ready for. She clasped her hands behind her back, and it wasn't a particularly welcoming gesture, but she stepped away from the door, silently inviting me to enter.
"Well, you caught me about to wash my hair," she teased, "but I can probably hold off for a bit." She motioned for me to follow, but I stopped just inside the door and looked around. It looked exactly as it had the last time I'd been here. It was like time had stopped. It was an odd feeling.
"It hasn't changed much," I commented. I met her eyes and held them. My pulse quickened as I thought about last Monday on the mound. Then tension between us grew.
"No, it hasn't," she agreed, and I wondered if I could hear a double meaning in her words. I broke eye contact and exhaled shakily. I needed to sit down to get through this. I didn't want to crowd her on the tiny couch, so I looked over at the even tinier dining nook.
"Can I sit?" I requested hopefully. I really wanted to get this out in the open now, but I wouldn't let her ruin her day if she had other plans. She nodded, so I pulled out a chair and turned it to face the couch. I collapsed my large frame on the small seat and hunched over. She moved to the couch and took a seat just like I expected her to do. She watched me blandly, and even though we were only feet apart, I felt the distance that was still between us acutely.
"I have a lot to say," I warned her. I leaned forward to brace my elbows on my thighs. The chair was most uncomfortable. "Is that all right? I can come back later, or we can meet somewhere else if you'd rather do that." She shook her head decidedly.
"No, I have the rest of the afternoon free. I've been anxious to hash this out. It's been a long week," she gave me a loaded look, and I kicked myself. I shouldn't have delayed this conversation, but I was pleased that she wanted me here now. I leaned further forward on my elbows and glanced down at the carpet between my knees to gather my thoughts. Then, I took a deep breath and faced her.
"The first thing I need to do is apologize to you," I told her, suddenly feeling calm and determined now that the moment was here. I kept careful eye contact. I wanted her to see my sincerity. "I should never have to come to the VA that day. And I never should have spoken to you that way. It was immature, and it proved you right about me in every way." She seemed surprised by my words, but I couldn't imagine why. She leaned back against the couch and broke eye contact with me by staring at the ceiling. She didn't speak, and the minutes stretched out. What was going on in her head?
"Please say something, Bella," I pleaded. She turned back to me with a strange expression.
"I don't know what to say, Edward," she said with emotion. "I thought you hated me. I've spent the last six years thinking that. I should have told you what was happening with my resident back then. If I wanted to keep you, I should have told you how much you meant to me, that I loved you." Her statement stunned me, and I sucked in a breath.
"You loved me?" I blurted in amazement. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My heart almost burst with hope, but then she turned away from me again to stare out the sliding glass door. I reminded myself that she'd used the past tense. We still had a way to go.
"Yes," she whispered her confirmation. "But I didn't know how to say it or show it. Edward, you were the mature one, not me. It makes me cringe how self-righteous I was about our age difference. I haven't thought of it once since I saw you again." I was floored and horrified. She thought she owed me an apology. Kate was right. We both certainly had suffered. But it was my fault not hers. I shook my head vehemently.
"That's just not true, Bella. How can you say that after how I treated you? I humiliated you in public, and then, I didn't return any of your calls. All over a petty disagreement." My voice trailed off, and I dropped my head in shame. I hoped I could make her see how much I regretted what I had done. I ran my fingers through my hair to calm myself before I looked back up at her.
"I don't think it was petty, Edward, and I stopped calling you, too. It was a two-way street," she argued. She was right, of course. She could have fought harder, but she didn't know just how far down my rock bottom had been. I had to tell her that, too.
"There's more, Bella," I murmured, my eyes still trained on the carpet. I fought for the courage to tell her everything. "I was going to call you. I planned to do it, in fact. I listened to all your messages and apologies, and I knew I was wrong." Tears pricked at my eyes. I raised them to her face. She seemed overwhelmed, too. Her head was shaking and nodding at the same time.
"That first series, I was a maniac. I almost threw a no-hitter. Everyone was talking, and there were scouts at the games and practices. Those first two weeks were crazy. I focused on that and threw all my anger and energy into each and every pitch." Bella leaned forward, seemingly entranced by my story. She looked so beautiful sitting on that worn out, old couch. Her hair was loose and messy, and her huge brown eyes were trained on me. I wanted to go to her, but I couldn't yet.
"But I was miserable without you. I was no longer angry with you, just ashamed of the way I'd acted. I wanted to call you, and I was trying to get up the courage. Unfortunately, I turned to liquid courage." I let out a bitter chuckle as I considered that particular memory.
"Paul was the only one home, and we had not gotten along when you and I were together, as you probably remember." She nodded and said nothing. She was listening intently. My girl had always been good at that.
"Well, I can only speculate that he was insanely jealous of all the attention I was getting, and he was only too happy to ply me with more and more alcohol. I got so wasted that not only did I never call you, but I missed practice the next day." Bella gasped and covered her mouth, and I was pleased she realized what a big deal my mistake had been. I could still remember the terror and dread that had coursed through me when I realized what I'd done. I almost broke into a cold sweat thinking about it now. But losing baseball would pale in comparison to what losing Bella had done to me. I had to focus on that.
"Coach Graham called my parents and threatened to kick me off the team, no matter who I was," I explained. "I had to move home for a month to prove to everyone that I could handle the pressure." I allowed our eyes to meet again, and the tension was back. The room felt electric. The pull towards her was excruciating, but it wasn't time yet. I went on.
"You still hadn't tried to reach me after that first day. My mother read me the riot act when I moved back home. She convinced me that I was better off letting you go, that we both had great potential that could be better realized apart. But I never told her or anyone else exactly what I did to you that day at the VA. I'm sorry." My voice finally broke, and my tears were falling freely now. I buried my face in my hands to try and collect myself, but she surprised me again.
"I know," she said simply. I looked up.
"What do you mean, you know?" I hesitantly requested clarification. "You know I'm sorry?"
"No," she spoke clearly. "I know that your mother told you that. I overheard what she said to you on New Year's Day." I swore under my breath and shook my head ruefully. My mother was my biggest champion, but she'd played a role in my downfall this time, too.
"I suppose that figured into your decision to stop calling me after I acted like an ass?" I asked rhetorically. I had to get out of that uncomfortable chair, so I stood and started pacing back and forth by the miniscule dining table. I felt like a caged animal.
.
"Yeah," she admitted. She shifted on the couch and moved her feet underneath her. I found myself lamenting those terrible scrub pants that hid all of her lovely curves. "But she was probably right, Edward," she added. I sighed to myself. My mom still maintained that she'd done the right thing. Maybe she had. I guessed all that mattered now was what happened in this room next. It was time to find out what that would be.
"I suppose," I shrugged, then I pushed more. "So…" I trailed off, and we sat in silence. She needed a show of good faith, so I gave her one.
"I had a long talk with Kate this morning," I said to break the silence. She raised her eyebrows but still didn't say anything. Kate must have really been harsh to her. I owed them both for that, I thought remorsefully. I chuckled a little to bring some levity to the subject. It might be funny to her at least. "I told her everything," I promised.
"Everything?" she queried skeptically.
"Yeah," I said, my voice rough with emotion. "I told her about the VA back then. And I told her about our therapy sessions these last few weeks. And I told her about last Monday at the ballpark. I hope you don't mind." I worried that she wouldn't want anyone else to know our business. Privacy had always been so important to her.
"I don't mind," she replied distractedly. "What did she say?" I laughed and ran my palms over my face again, remembering the sharp crack of hers.
"She slapped the shit out of me," I told her, trying to lighten the mood. She let a surprised giggle escape before, clapping her hand over her mouth. "Yeah," I nodded, "she's pretty pissed at me. I think she's pretty sorry about what she said to you the other week."
"About that Edward," she began seriously, all traces of mirth gone. "What happened with the two of you?"
"Kate is very protective. We have been friends since childhood, which I think I told you back then. When, my mom encouraged me to let you go, she also suggested that I spend time with Kate. That was the goal of the dinner party from hell, if you recall." I let my mind wander back to that night, our first night together and gave her a pointed look. I wondered if she could remember it in the detail I did. It was not helping my train of thought, realizing all that had happened between us in just the next room.
"Yes," she whispered, and I thought she was thinking of that night, too. I smiled at her. It would take a lot, but I was thrilled that we might get back there. I continued with my explanation. "I could have cared less about anything other than my baseball career at that point, so I just went along with her. I asked Kate out, and we went on a few dates. After a month, I moved back into the house with the guys, and she came over after we'd been out for dinner one night."
"I was drinking heavily, although I was more socially functional than at first, but I came onto her more strongly than she expected, and I definitely did not treat her with respect. She was horrified and told me that I was not the same guy she'd met during the holidays. She insisted that I tell her what the difference was, and I broke down and admitted it was the loss of you." I hoped she believed that there had never really been anything between Kate and I, but she didn't look entirely happy with my story.
"Kate and I were only friends after that night. I cried for the first time, and she gave me unconditional comfort. I will never forget that she did that. She could have easily told me to go fuck myself. I was such a self-involved wreck," I explained, then made an apologetic face.
"She blamed it all on you," I admitted with embarrassment. "I never told her about what happened at the VA, so she just assumed that you were the one who ended it. I was so destroyed that it felt good to have someone tell me you weren't worth it, that I could do better. But I always knew she was wrong about that. I didn't think I'd ever see you again, so I didn't think I needed to correct her," I trailed off. There really was no excuse for what I'd done.
"Why didn't you say something to her, and Alice and Jasper for that matter, when you knew we would be working together?" she asked. I sighed and looked down, ashamed.
"I didn't know if you would want anything to do with me. I expected you to be cold and make excuses to get away from me. I expected you to hate me. But then you actually showed up at Whitlock. I should have stopped Kate when she attacked you and explained it then and there. But I'm still an idiot when it comes to you…" I trailed off again, my eyes still on the floor.
"Is that why you were so cocky in the office that first day? And then you wouldn't look at me when I came to Whitlock. The hot and cold routine was because you were embarrassed?" She asked in astonishment. I nodded again miserably and met her disbelieving stare before quickly looking away. Her next question really surprised me, but considering I'd been googling her, it shouldn't have.
"Edward, were you not engaged?" she asked, eyeing me intensely. I blinked several times, trying to buy some time and figure out how to answer, but she was waiting.
"Yes, I was," I admitted in a resigned tone. "Victoria Turner was her name, but I suspect you know that already."
"I googled you," she said directly. I chuckled without humor, hearing my suspicions confirmed.
"I would have told you; it's not a secret. Kate set that up, too," I confirmed.
"Did you love her?" she asked, her voice wobbling. "Why didn't you marry her?" The ridiculousness of her questions made me laugh, but it wasn't a happy sound. I was still mired in guilt over how I'd treated Victoria, although I guessed she'd moved on, and I was off the hook. I thought about mentioning that she was engaged to an orthopedic surgeon now but figured that was too far off-topic. I shook my head again to clear my thoughts.
"Bella, I disappointed everyone but my coaches when I left for Lynchburg and that pretty much continued through my time in Mississippi," I told her seriously. I needed her to understand this and believe me when I said that there had only ever been her.
"What does that mean?" she asked nervously. I looked back at that most interesting carpet again, embarrassed to have to spell this out to her.
"Well, I told you that I had a bit of a reputation before I met you," I began, and she nodded encouragingly. "Well, that was nothing compared to what I did in the minor leagues," my voice dropped low as I admitted this. I furrowed my brow anticipating more questions, but she said nothing and just looked at me.
"It didn't interfere with my game, but only barely. I was cruel, where I'd never been that before. I let them get their hopes up, and then, I enjoyed kicking them out of bed or telling them to get lost in some other way," I explained, full of shame at the memory. I heard Bella draw in a sharp breath. I hoped this wouldn't be the end for her, realizing what a worthless dick I truly was. But then I looked at her, and I could see she was blaming herself. She was truly a saint.
"No, don't blame yourself. I see that's what you are doing," I laughed darkly. I did not deserve my girl, but I wanted her all the same. "That behavior was all me. Kate was still in Houston while I was in Lynchburg and Mississippi, but she moved to Atlanta shortly after I did. She was disgusted by what she found. This morning wasn't the first time she's physically assaulted me, not by a long shot," I chuckled with a little better humor, thinking of Kate, and how she was another person in my life who I did not deserve.
"I cut that shit out, because once Kate was in Atlanta, I knew that if I didn't, then my mom would hear about it. And I didn't want to act that way, not really. My life, from the moment I was drafted, was all about baseball. I only cared about my game, improving my pitching, making the Majors, and then winning the Cy. My personal life was disposable. It really hit me last season when I was injured and not performing well. 2013 was supposed to be my season." I gazed at her, silently willing her to forgive me, because I knew she could never understand my actions.
"And Victoria?" she prompted, not letting me off the hook. I closed my eyes, steeling myself to fight for her. Then I opened them again to focus on her, determination filling me.
"Kate met her at some sort of charity event and thought we would hit it off. So, she introduced us, and I did like her," I admitted but hurried on in my confession. "We had a fair amount in common. She played violin, so we could talk about music, and she enjoyed the symphony. It happened so fast, almost like I had no control over the situation. Our parents got along, and my mom was just so thrilled. She started dropping big hints, and my mom and Kate seemed to think it was at that point in the relationship…" I trailed off again, embarrassed by how easily I'd gone along with a plan I knew in my heart was wrong.
"I knew the second that I asked that I didn't want to marry her. All I felt was unease and dread, while she was celebrating and admiring her ring. As soon as she started trying to plan the wedding, I had to put a stop to it. I hate that I hurt her. But I had repressed thoughts of you for years and suddenly they were right there again, right in the forefront of my mind," I told her and suddenly, I could no longer be polite. I had to make her understand the intensity of my feeling.
I flung myself out of the chair onto my knees and shuffled towards her. I didn't stop until I was right in front of her. Her hands were tightly clasped between her knees, and I reached for them, gently tugging them out and caressing them between my own fingers. The electricity flowed between us, stinging with pleasure.
"Bella, I've never left you. I've been with you through all this, and I just wasn't man enough to make it happen before. But I am now. The injury and the trade to Houston? I think it was all meant to be. Victoria woke me up, and it was only a matter of time until I tried to reach out to you. I took it as a sign that I was traded shortly after that. Baseball means nothing without you," I declared, baring my soul. I gazed into her eyes, waiting for her accept me or turn me away. This was the moment of truth. We were both silent, waiting, and suddenly she burst into tears.
"Bella, no!" I gasped. I was unable to stop myself from tracing the tears as they fell down her face even though I knew it was likely she was about to reject me. She shook her head back and forth, and I waited for her to deliver the blow. I couldn't stop it when my own tears started to fall. I pulled her face toward me, and she let me do it. I just needed a few more minutes with her before she sent me away. My forehead rested against hers, and it was bliss. Finally, she pulled back and cleared her throat. I braced myself for the end.
"Edward, I've never gotten over you," she told me steadily, her words blowing my mind. "I loved you, and I've been hating myself for years for allowing you to go the way you did. I want another chance," she declared, and I was so startled by her words that I froze. I stared at her, trying to remember how to speak. She giggled nervously as the minutes stretched out, and finally she jiggled my hands where they still held hers.
"I do, too," I told her when I could form words. Then I did the only thing I could. I leaned forward and kissed her.
My mouth met hers, and it was bliss, better than anything in my memory. I pressed with more force and tugged on our joined hands, pushing them down onto her knees to give me some balance as I pushed harder and harder, my tongue entering her mouth. I moved over her, pressing her into the couch, but I found the inner strength to stop before I got carried away. I wasn't 21 years old anymore, and I planned on doing this properly this time. I pulled back to rest my forehead against her again.
"I have more amends to make," I breathed and shuffled back out of arms-length, thinking of the talk I need to have with Alice and Jasper the next morning. She grunted, and I was thrilled that I seemed to have on her a fraction of the effect she had on me. I sat on the floor as near as was safe.
"I need to have a serious conversation with Jasper. Most of his objection to you is based on his idea that you dropped me without explanation. And then he was forced to deal with my bullshit after Kate and the draft. He's a good friend, so he wanted to blame all that on you. I'm so sorry I wasn't honest. I didn't think I'd ever see you again," I reminded her even though it was a terrible excuse. She nodded all the same.
"Edward, if we are going to do this, then I can't work with you anymore on the therapy," she suddenly blurted out loud. I frowned because this was not what I expected her to say. Then I remembered how concerned she had been about her career and what she had said about a future working at Baylor. I frowned as I realized I still might have serious competition for her affections.
"I can do Monday, since this is short notice, but after that, Jasper will have to make alternative arrangements. I'll have to tell Carlisle something," she fretted. I just laughed. I wasn't going to let her go that easily now that she'd admitted her feelings for me.
"If you think I'm worried about my therapy in regards to your affections, then you're just as insane as you always were," I reprimanded her, "but I understand your position. We'll work at Whitlock on Monday. I think Jasper will have some things to say to you, and the two of you can come up with something else for me." I was confident that I could make Jasper and Alice understand the situation. And Alice would bring Jasper firmly onto Team Edward-Bella.
"Edward, I don't think Jasper will appreciate me telling him what to do about your therapy," she worried. I clicked my tongue in impatience. She would be involved in every aspect of my life from here on out.
"Bella, I want you involved in every aspect of my life, as soon as possible," I told her turning the full force of my gaze on her. This was non-negotiable.
"Okay," she responded a bit dazedly. Things had changed between us so quickly. We both needed time to process, I realized, but I reached for her. I grasped her cheeks between my hands and pulled her sweet face towards mine again. I gently pressed my lips against hers, and it was even better than minutes before. I pulled our bodies flush and impossibly closer, and I felt her react, pulling me in even more. My body responded, and she groaned when she felt me against her. It was deep and sexy, and I felt the sound throbbing in my groin. I pushed myself away instantly. It was too soon, and I didn't want to ruin things.
She was breathing heavily, her eyes bright with desire, and I'd never seen her look more beautiful. My need for her was a tangible thing. I spoke, my voice breathless with want, too.
"Bella, I think we both need some time to digest the things we've said," I gasped, and she nodded silently with emphasis, seemingly just as affected as I was. "Are you free after therapy on Monday?" I felt almost shy in asking her for a date after all this time.
"Yes," she agreed without hesitation, and we smiled at each other stupidly. I felt high with the elation pulsing through my veins.
"Okay, then, let's make plans to spend some time together then," I suggested, remembering the dream of her at my piano.
"Okay," she agreed quickly. We both stood up, and she seemed just as sorry to see me go as I was to leave. She walked me to the door. I gave her a quick peck on the lips, knowing I was pressing my luck to keep touching her.
"If it takes me forever, Bella Swan…" I told her, gazing deeply into her eyes, echoing the promise I'd made her six years ago, the one I'd never forgotten. Leaving her that night was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but I promised myself I'd never do it again.
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Well, folks, that's it. No need for any further EPOV since for the rest of the tale, Bella and Edward are actually telling each other what they think! I hope you have enjoyed the trip down memory lane. I sure as hell have. Who knows? Maybe I'll show up in six more years and write the entire EPOV for Chapters 2-10!
Several people have asked me about Eye on the Prize, and I'm thinking about posting it again. If I do, then it would be one chapter per day, and then I'd leave it up for a week before pulling it again. Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, I cannot leave it up long term. So, if you are interested in this, please put me on alert. Don't look for it before January.