I returned home from school and launched my rucksack on the bed: "Bullshit!" I exclaimed, nervously

"I see you're keeping your chin up..." commented Kyle, sarcastically, while he was reading

"Dude, this is not the right time for sarcasm" I affirmed "I have a teacher that thinks I'm still a 3rd grader..."

"Why?" he asked, raising his eyes from the book

"She wants me to do a research about the history of South Park, all in Spanish" I explained "I did those things when I still lost my teeth..."

"That sucks, dude" declared Kyle, going back to his reading "If you want, you can use my computer..."

"Thank you" I thanked sitting on the desk, turning the PC on and starting typing "Bit I won't use Wikipedia, that biatch is an Internet expert..."

I read some titles, but the first one that captured my attention didn't regard historical facts: it was a story called "In sickness and in health", and it involved Kyle and his girlfriend, who had been diagnosed with a rare disease: "Kyle, I didn't know you had a girlfriend..." I commented

"I've never had a real girlfriend, what are you talking about?" asked Kyle

"Here it says that you had helped your girlfriend with her difficult condition..." I explained

"Are you drunk?" asked the kid, standing up and approaching to the monitor "I've never heard this name..."

At that moment I noticed the name of the site that I was visiting: " ": "If you don't have a girlfriend, you surely have some fans..." I declared, going to the homepage of that site and reading some names "Clyde Donovan, Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch: this page is full of anonymous stories that have you and your schoolmates as the protagonists: the one we saw before was surely written by a girl that likes you..."

"I don't like this thing..." affirmed Kyle "It's creepy that someone uses me to get off..."

"Dude, I'm sure this was made only for joking" I commented "And honestly, if a girl would write something like this about me, I'd be quite happy: it means that she considers me a good guy that is worried for the others..."

"Maybe, but in my opinion it's pretty strange..." declared the kid "I'll go back reading..."

"And I'll go back to my research" I decided "What are you reading? I didn't ask you that yet..."

"'Wonder'" answered Kyle

"Huh, I see mrs Gomez is not the only banal teacher on Earth..." I commented, writing something more specific on Google.

The following one was training day, but when I arrived in front of South Park Elementary, I didn't find anyone there: it was pretty strange, since the kids always waited for me at the entrance.

I soon discovered the reason why they weren't in the usual place: when I entered the locker room, I saw all the kids looking at their phones with interested faces: "What are you doing, guys?" I asked

"We're reading fanfictions" answered Scott

I looked at my host brother, puzzled: "I thought you were against that..."

"I still am, I told that because I wanted to denounce it" Kyle justified himself "But I actually gave them a new hobby..."

"One with me and Bebe, two with me and Red, one with white and Heidi" counted Clyde "At least whoever has written this story have understood that I like girls..."

"Me too" added Stan "There are a lot of love stories involving me and the authors of the various fics: I'm happy to be considered handsome..."

"Well, if Wendy is free..." joked Token

"Don't you dare!" exclaimed Stan "You already did it one time, and was enough..."

"Ok, ok..." surrended Token "I also have my fanbase, by the way..."

"And you also have a girlfriend" reminded Scott

"And I'm Scott Malkinson and I'm diabetic" commented Cartman, mocking his voice "Fuck that! Why is this site full of stories where I'm in love with Kyle? I would never stay with a freaking Jew..."

"Keep calm, fat ass, I hate you, too" replied Kyle

"It's obvious that these people don't know me..." added Kenny "I love tits more than any other thing and here there are only gay fics: me with Butters, Token, Scott, Craig..."

"Aaah" cried out Tweek "Also Craig?"

"Don't worry, babe" answered the kid "You're the only one for me..."

I decided to stop the conversation: "Ok, guys: now can we just enter the pitch and leave your mobile phones here for ninety minutes?"

The kids puffed, but obeyed: the only one that hesitated for a longer time was Butters and I approached to him, since he was looking at the screen with an interrogative expression: "Is there any problem, Butters?"

He raised his eyes and looked at me for some seconds, then he murmured: "Coach, can I ask you a question?"

"Tell me" I answered, sitting at his right

Butters hesitated, but then asked: "How have you discovered that you like girls?"

I was pretty surprised and kept silent for some seconds, then I tried to answer: "Well, I don't know... I saw an interesting girl and I understood that I liked them... Why are you asking me that?"

"Nothing, curiosity..." answered the kid

I decided it was better not to go deeper, so I declared: "Ok, now can we go on the pitch?"

Butters stood up and reached his teammates: I still didn't know that, but those were only the first foreshocks of a terrible earthquake...

On Tuesday, when I returned home, I found a strange surprise: an apathetic Stan was sitting on the sofa, eating ice-cream from a big jar: "Did I miss something?" I asked "Why are you so sad?"

"Wendy has broken up with him" answered Kyle, that appeared from the kitchen "Another time..."

"Really? I'm so sorry, Stan" I commented, sitting on the sofa, next to him

"It's all because of that stupid site..." muttered Stan, continuing eating

"Wait... what?" I asked

"Wendy left him because she dreamed that Stan was hanging out with one of the authors of those stories" explained Kyle

"What!?" I repeated "This is absurd..."

"And it doesn't finish here..." continued my host brother "Also Token and Clyde are single now: their girlfriends were jealous because of some fanfictions that portrayed them with other girls..."

"I can't believe it..." I murmured

At that moment, the doorbell rang and I went opening: Tweek and Craig were in front of me: "Hi, guys!" I greeted

"Hello, coach" saluted Craig "We have to tell you something..."

"Oh, no..." I commented "Please, don't tell me that you've broken up, too..."

"Aaah, no" denied Tweek "But we need help, can we get in?"

"Yes, come" I guided them and closed the door "What's up?"

"We have to solve the Butters affaire" declared Tweek

"The Butters affaire?" I repeated

"Yes, he has convinced himself he's gay, because on that site there are a lot of romantic stories that have him and another boy as protagonists..." explained Craig "And now he's pounding us with stupid questions to understand how a gay behaves..."

"Jesus Christ" I commented "Kyle, you were right! That site is destroying the harmony of the South Park Elementary..."

"What harmony?" asked Kyle "It has always been a mess..."

"Yeah, but this is not the point" I continued "We have to solve this situation, and as fastly as possible..."

"Ok, but how?" wondered my host brother

I thought about it for a while, then I declared: "Tomorrow at 5 p.m. I want the whole soccer team in front of the entrance of the school, then I'll illustrate you my plan..."

I parked my car and went in front of the building that hosted South Park Elementary, where the ten kids were waiting for me: "Very punctual" I commented "We'll move to the stands, so you can sit down..."

The team followed me, and when everybody had taken his place, I took the floor: "I see that this website has disrupted your lives: some of your were left or are in crisis, and since you are my team, I wanna help you..."

"Can you tell us your idea?" asked Stan

"I want to improve your situation and also discover who has set up " I explained "But I'll also need you help..."

"I still don't understand" commented Scott

"I have a couple of short lessons in mind" I continued "Stan, Clyde and Token will be helped to be forgiven by their girlfriends, while Butters will understand what he likes the most..."

"Coach, I already know that" replied Butters, that wore a purple scarf "I'm gay..."

"Where does that come from?" I asked, referring to the new piece he was wearing

"I stole it from my mother's wardrobe, but don't tell anyone..." implored the kid, making me roll my eyes

"Who will the teachers be?" asked Clyde

"I'll be Butters' teacher and Kenny, Craig and Tweek will help me" I answered

"Aaah" was Tweek's reaction "Why me? Too much pressure..."

"I thought that the only gay people in the team and the straightest one would be useful to open a confused mind..." I explained "While the other teacher will be..."

"Hey, guys!" intervened Jessie, entering the scene and kissing me on the cheek "Sorry for being late, honey..."

"Who could be better than a girl to help you understand what girls appreciate?" I asked, with a smile

Cartman raised his hand: "Sorry, professor: what about the other ones?"

"I was just coming there" I answered "Kyle, Cartman and Scott will search the school to find out any possible clue related to the admin of that website..."

"People believe that I'm Kyle's bitch and I have to work with him in front of everybody?" asked Cartman

"We're working together to demonstrate the opposite, fat ass!" exclaimed Kyle

"Except lovebird Cartman, is there anyone against my project?" I asked

Everybody kept silent: "Perfect, see you tomorrow after school" I concluded "The soccer training is postponed to Friday..."

On the following day, we partly colonized the school: I divided the pupils in two groups, sending the first one to the classroom that they normally used and the other one in the adjacent one.

"Well, guys" I started "Are you ready for the lesson?"

Butters looked around him: "Ehm, I'm the only one here..."

"I know, I wanted to see if you were ready..." I answered

"Liar..." muttered Kenny

I continued like nothing had happened: "Assistants, give me the papers..."

Kenny pulled some magazines out of his rucksack, and Tweek and Craig did the same: "Well, Butters, to understand what you like you firstly have to see it directly..." I explained, putting one of Kenny's magazines on his desk "Read that and tell me how do you feel..."

The kid started to browse the magazine, and after some seconds he asked: "Why is there a naked woman with a Batman mask who is bonded to the bed?"

I took back that as fast as possible, and asked: "Haven't we said 'light things'?"

"This is the lightest one I have..." affirmed Kenny

"Huh, fantastic..." I commented, ironically "Tweek, Craig: show Butters what you have: something good, please..."

The two kids obeyed, and Butters started to read it: he kept his eyes on a particular photo and asked: "Who's this man?"

The picture showed a well-known blond guy with a eight-pack: "Oh, he's David Beckham, the Spice Boy" answered Tweek "One of the most beautiful soccer players on earth..."

"I'd really like to be like him..." commented Butters "He's so handsome..."

Craig approached to me and murmured: "If he's truly gay, he has nice taste..."

"Let's see..." I murmured back, then I said, with a louder voice "Ok, now let's talk about music..."

I had chosen a short list of songs that included some of the most known gay anthems and some classic rock and metal songs and wanted to see which ones he preferred...

The first one was "Enter Sandman", and he seemed to like it, but when I put YMCA he stood up on his chair and started to dance.

The following step included "The Trouper" and "True Colors": he was more interested in the first one, but the result was overturned on the following round, when "Born This Way" won against "Moskau".

The last step, "Thunderstuck" vs "Take me to church", ended in a substantial draw: "Could you please put the AC/DC again?" asked Kenny

"No, I want other Lady GaGa songs" intervened Craig

"Enough, guys" I stopped "Let's try with the last experiment: the gay radar..."

"We'll show you some pictures" explained Craig "And you'll have to tell us if the people showed are gay or not..."

Tweek turned on the projector, and Kenny started to show a series of celebrity to Butters: meanwhile, I left the room and went to check Jessie's work, that seemed very good, since Stan, Clyde and Token were taking notes and paid a lot of attention.

At that moment, I received a FaceTime call from Kyle: "Hey dude, how are you doing?" I asked

"Not very well" admitted the kid "We've explored the entire school, and haven't found a single clue..."

"Don't worry and go back here" I invited "The lessons are about to finish..."

I went to the toilet and then returned to the classroom: "So?" I asked

"Really ambiguous" declared Tweek "He only got a half of them right..."

"Ok..." I murmured "I actually don't know if I made the right choice with this course..."

"What do you mean?" asked Kenny

"Perhaps Butters needs more time to know who he is..." I explained "And this lesson has confused him..."

"Maybe, but it was pretty fun" admitted Craig "So maybe you managed to achieve something different..."

I smiled and called Jessie, declaring the end of the "evening school", and reunited the kids: "Ok, guys, I hope that this hour was useful for you" I said "Tomorrow morning I'll be here to see if you'll achieve your goal..."

And I also hoped to understand what to do with Butters...

On Friday morning, while I was driving to the South Park Elementary with Kyle and Jessie, I finally got the answer: I had to say sorry to Butters for accelerating the search for his identity...

When we arrived in front of the school there were already a lot of kids, but I could see Stan, Clyde and Token with a rose and a little box in their hands.

I smiled: Jessie has got that right...

We got off the car, and Cartman and Kenny were the first to reach us: "Kenny has told me everything" declared the first one

"Hello to you too, fat ass..." commented Kyle, ironically

"What are you talking about?" I asked

"You think that you've confused Butters, and I'm here to solve this situation" declared Cartman

"Believe me, this is not the case..." I tried to stop him "I have to talk to him privately and calmly..."

But Eric didn't hear my words: he reached Butters in the center of the little square in front of the school and shouted: "May I have your attention, please?"

When the whole school had turned to him, Cartman took Butters' head in his hands and kissed him with passion: I was pretty shocked just like the rest of the viewers, because no one was expecting that...

Cartman finished to kiss Butters and asked him: "Did you like it?"

"Ehm..." hesitated the kid, taking off his purple scarf "Actually, no..."

"Well, me either" declared Cartman "And this is because we are not gay, so you can stop writing your stupid stories..."

There was a long moment of silence, then a little girl from the 3rd grade stepped up: "Girls, after this horror I've decided to close , forever..."

A disappointed noise meandered among the feminine crowd, then the kids started to enter the school and Cartman came back, declaring: "See? It was really simple..."

"Jesus Christ..." was my answer "You're freaking crazy and also delicate like and elephant..."

"Maybe, but now Butters knows what he wants..." affirmed the kid

"And also that you're a terrible kisser" added Kyle

"Shut you fucking Jewish mouth, Kyle!" exclaimed Cartman

Stan, Clyde and Token approached to their girlfriends, who accepted their gift and kissed them on the cheek: "I'm a great Cupid..." smiled Jessie

"You are, honey" I confirmed "But now we have to go to school, we are late..."