Thank you all!

Chapter 4

There was severe cramping in her abdomen. Anna clutched over and tightened the ball that she had curled herself into. Despite the harsh pain, she found relief. This could be it. After this, there would likely be no baby. That one dark cloud could at least fade away.

But that wasn't all she had to be concerned about. Now John knew of her shame and she had to worry that he would push her away once he no longer pitied her. That's what he did now, as he sat in the corner of the room reading a book. He pitied her and her weakness, her shame.

She had been so weak that she hadn't even been able to carry out the act to fruition. She was still here, alive, and she hated it. She should have thrown herself off the top of Downton Abbey or hung herself. But she'd been too scared of those options, believing that the pills would be simpler and an easier way to die.

"Are you in pain?" John's voice asked. She shifted slightly, not wanting to answer him. She could hear the scrape of the chair against the wooden floor and then his cane, as he stepped closer toward her. "You need to drink some water. Baxter is supposed to bring you up some tea and toast for dinner."

It was getting darker out. The light from the small window was fading. Anna wondered if then John would leave. Certainly, Mrs. Hughes wouldn't dare allow him to stay in this bedroom at night in the maids' quarters.

"Here," John offered. She could feel his wrist against her shoulder. She wanted to push him away, but she knew she couldn't do that. He didn't deserve her anger. He hadn't deserved her anger or the way she had treated him. Yet, she didn't know how to respond anymore. Everything was shadowed. It felt as though nothing could be right again.

Finally she turned and pushed herself up, slightly, so that she could take a few sips of the water in John's hands. Her head pounded and body shook with the movements she was making. Everything began to spin.

John seemed to notice, because Anna felt his hand on her upper arm, trying to steady her.

"You have to take it easy," John murmured, his voice full of love. Anna's eyes then met his and she inhaled sharply. Quickly, she looked away. As she realized his hand was still on her shoulder, she tensed, making his hand drop from her. "Lie back down," John encouraged, patiently. "Try to get some more sleep until your dinner is here."

"I can't," Anna then cried, tears now escaping. "It hurts too much."

John shifted next to her.

"You're dehydrated. You'll need some more water. Here, drink more."

Anna shook her head.

"Please, Anna."

"No," she muttered, falling against the pillows. "I deserve this pain. And this way I could…." She paused, not sure what all John knew.

"What, Anna? You could, what?"

Anna just shook her head. She was exhausted and she didn't know how to speak to John about any of this. There was a time when she could have told them everything. Green had stolen this from them too.

"I read your letter," John then told her. She took in a shaky breath. "I know what happened. I know about the baby."

Tears stung her eyes.

"There….there's still a chance I might lose it," Anna said, attempting to quell her tears. John remained silent, which told Anna everything she need to know. She didn't blame him, either. Her eyes closed and she breathed deeply. There was nothing else that she could say.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Finally, Anna was asleep. John was cursing himself, now, though. When Anna said there was a chance she would lose the baby, he should have said something, anything to assure her that he planned on staying by her no matter what. While he didn't want Anna to have Alex Green's baby, he also didn't want her to go through the pain of a miscarriage, to go through the pain of losing a child- her child. It hit him suddenly. The baby would be her child. Anna, whom he loved above all else, was pregnant with her baby.

That fact made everything crystal clear. He could love anything that was part of Anna. That child was already innocent in all of this, but it was also Anna's. How could he not love it?

Resolve fell over him and it felt like one less hurdle to manage. He would love this child deeply and he would prove this to Anna overtime.

Right now, however, he had to focus on Anna. He needed to help her through this darkness to where she knew she could open up to him. And he would patiently show her just how much he loved her and how he had no plans on backing away.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Might I speak with you a moment, Ms. Baxter?" Mrs. Hughes asked of the lady's maid. Baxter glanced up and nodded. She quickly noted the defeat in the normally confident Housekeeper's face. It pulled at her heart. She had only been at the Abbey for a little while, but she could already feel the sadness within it.

From her observations, there was something off with a select few of the downstairs staff. Thomas added to this by asking her to find out what was going on between the Bateses. When Baxter had arrived, Anna Bates had already moved back into the big house, leaving her husband alone in their cottage. Baxter had no intentions of sharing her theories with Thomas, however. It was best she played dumb. She had known Thomas for a long while. She knew how cunning he could be, and how he might use this against them. And this was not something that should be used against anyone.

Baxter knew rather quickly what had transpired, or at least, she was pretty sure. She'd seen those same haunted eyes on someone else once that she had seen on Anna Bates. She also knew that Mr. Bates had nothing to do with those haunted eyes, because of the way he looked at her with only love and worry.

"Yes, Mrs. Hughes," Baxter said, as the door closed behind her.

Mrs. Hughes was ringing her hands in front of her and she inhaled sharply.

"Will you please give me an update on Anna after you have sat with her during dinner?"

"Of course," Baxter sincerely replied.

"I just…." Mrs. Hughes' thin resolve was fading. "I am rather busy," she quickly corrected, swallowing hard. "But I would like to know that she is alright."

"I will let you know how she's doing when I return."

"Thank you, Ms. Baxter."

Baxter gave her another nod and then exited Mrs. Hughes' parlor. She grabbed the tray of food for both her and Anna, as she had been asked to sit with her so that Mr. Bates could have a small reprieve and come down to eat his own dinner.

She didn't know what, exactly, was wrong with Anna, but Baxter had her suspicions. And she knew that being asked to help with Anna over the next couple of days was going to have Thomas prying her for more and more information.

When Baxter reached the maids' quarters, she gently pushed open the bedroom door where Anna was and saw Mr. Bates sitting alone in the corner of the room. He'd been crying. The evidence of red rimmed eyes gave him away. But she didn't say anything about it. Only, she offered him a smile.

"I'll be coming up a few times a day to let you tend to Lord Grantham starting tomorrow, until Anna is well enough to go back to the cottage," Baxter told Mr. Bates. He just gave a low nod and stood. Baxter didn't know him as much of a talker, so this didn't surprise her. She wanted to say something, about how she was sorry about all of this happening to them, but knew she couldn't.

And with that, Mr. Bates was out the door.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

During dinner, John had been quiet. A few people had asked about Anna, how she was feeling, and what was wrong with her. Thomas especially tried to inquire about what exactly had happened with Anna and how she got so ill, so quickly. John ignored it, only shooting him a glare to warn him not to speak to him again about his wife. It didn't deter Thomas at all, he only grinned.

John shifted uneasily in his chair, realizing that Ms. Baxter was upstairs with his wife. He didn't know that he could trust her. She knew Thomas. What if she was his puppet and was going to come back to tell him everything that she knew about Anna's condition?

Dinner ended and John stood. He had avoided Mrs. Hughes' gazes at him and refused to speak to her. But now, he needed to speak with her and Mr. Carson.

"Mr. Carson," he began, "and Mrs. Hughes," he still avoided her eyes. "I need to speak with the two of you."

Mr. Carson cleared his throat, but motioned for them to head into Mrs. Hughes' parlor for the moment. The minute they closed the door behind them, the room felt stale. John struggled being in this room. Was this where Anna had admitted to Mrs. Hughes what had happened to her? And where Mrs. Hughes decided not to tell him of his wife mentioning she might kill herself?

"I want the extra bed in Anna's room made up for me to stay while she's stuck up there. I won't allow her to be alone at night and I don't trust anyone else to ensure that she'll," he paused, trying to find the right words. "To ensure she'll be safe."

He could see the wheels spinning in Mr. Carson's eyes and the indignation growing on his features. He was sure that Mr. Carson already felt he was being accommodating by even allowing John to stay in her room during the day. But this was not something John was going to budge on. His wife tried to take her own life.

"Yes," it was Mrs. Hughes that spoke. John still wouldn't look at her. Just her voice made his jaw harden. "I think that would be best. Don't you, Mr. Carson."

Mr. Carson was stunned, gulping like a fish out of water. But he sputtered only for a moment, before sighing in defeat.

"Yes," he grumbled. "Just until she's out of the woods, Mr. Bates."

John didn't respond. He opened the door and went back upstairs to see Anna.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna hadn't believed it when Ms. Baxter came back upstairs with linens for John to sleep in the bedroom. It seemed she had underestimated Mr. Carson's willingness to bend the rules from time to time.

John offered to read to her and made sure she drank plenty of water, before finally settling into his own bed for the night. They didn't speak when the sun began to shine through the window. It was almost as though today was heavier for some reason.

Anna closed her eyes against the sunlight and pressed the heel of her palm against her forehead. Everything still hurt. Dr. Clarkson had come by briefly the night before and told her just to keep drinking water that he would be by today for a better examination.

She didn't want any of this. Anna just wanted to sleep. Perhaps, there was something in the bag of Dr. Clarkson's that could help her never wake up again. There had been a time where such dark thoughts would have frightened her, but now she welcomed them. It felt almost normal.

"I'm going to go and see if Dr. Clarkson has arrived," John's weary voice nearly frightened her. For a moment, she had forgotten he was in the room with her.

"Alright," she croaked, her voice raw.

John adjusted his jacket over his shoulders, before disappearing out of the door. She knew he wouldn't be gone long, or that he would send someone else to watch her. He didn't trust that she wouldn't try something else and he was smart to feel that way.

Just a moment later, the door opened to reveal Dr. Clarkson. He must have already made his way up the stairs, before John left to find him.

"Mrs. Bates," Dr. Clarkson warmly stated. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"Better," Anna answered. It was only partly a lie. Physically she did feel slightly better than the day before, but emotionally she just felt drained. "I…I've been cramping. Do you think that I have lost the baby?" She tried not to sound too excited about the aspect of it, knowing Dr. Clarkson may have known about her trying to kill herself, but not about the horrors that brought about this baby.

"I'm not sure," Dr. Clarkson honestly replied. "I would suspect the cramping to be from the dehydration you faced, Anna. Do you know about how far along you would be?"

"Twelve weeks or so," Anna quietly told him. She knew exactly how long it had been. She could pinpoint the exact moment. The thought brought tears to her eyes.

Dr. Clarkson placed his bag on the table and then sat down on the bed next to Anna.

"Might I give you an examination?"

Anna's breath hitched within her throat.

"I would just feel around your belly to see if your uterus has grown. Have you had any bleeding?" Anna shook her head.

"You…you can do the examination," she fearfully stated. She didn't miss the flicker of concern on Dr. Clarkson's features, but he remained professional. Slowly, he lifted her gown, making her heart race in her chest. She had to keep reminding herself that it was only Dr. Clarkson, that he wouldn't hurt her.

Once her gown was up and over her stomach, Dr. Clarkson gently pressed over her lower abdomen. Then he placed her gown back over her and stood up.

"Good news," he told her. "It seems that you are right on track for twelve weeks. I suspect the baby has made it through this ordeal. We will be able to tell more in a few weeks, but the lack of bleeding leads me to believe that your child will be just fine, Mrs. Bates."

Anna's head fell back against the pillow and she glanced up at the ceiling, blinking back her tears.

"Th…thank you, Dr. Clarkson."

He frowned.

"Mrs. Bates…"

"I'm just….it's all a bit overwhelming. I'll be alright," she lied. Dr. Clarkson nodded. He continued on with why he had come, checking her for signs of dehydration and other things he may have missed the day before, while Anna just felt the overbearing weight growing harder and harder on her chest. Why had she lived? Why must she continue to be punished for her sins?

To be continued...